MtF Doubts

[ema_m]

Hi there! So I am new here and all. I have some questions, mostly to see if I am alone or not in feeling this way. Sorry in advance if this gets long.

So, I am 41, married and have a daughter. I have been dealing with  thoughts of being female since I was a child, 4 or 6, I don't remember exactly but it's been around a long time. I dressed when I could and felt terrific. I used to pray to wake up a girl when I was a kid, and daydreamed wonderful fantasies about how this could be accomplished as I grew up, like being able to swap bodies, make a clone, even hope for re-incarnation, you know, this is a common story. It's expression has mostly been to dress privately, alone, and that all felt dirty. I thought it was a fetish for so long.

Now, I have been in therapy since January with a gender identity specialist. I kept dancing around the idea for 6 months but decided that it makes the most sense, it makes me the happiest, to think, and accept that I am Transgender - still not fully ready to say that I am a binary Transgender Woman, but I know there is a very strong Femme component to my gender identity and I am at the point where I am making arrangements go to a clinic for HRT. I have a letter from my therapist if my insurance needs it, so I am ready to go.

I have recently come out to a few friends (of course my wife when this all started, when I started seeing a therapist and everything) and I've started to talk about it in a real way with them and myself. Now here's the problem- My doubts are growing. Like I have these serious doubts that I am making it up. I feel like I won't like changing my body. Sometimes, now, when I think about transitioning, about having a woman's body, instead of how the thought used to make me feel excited and happy and full, now I feel more doubt and shame and panic.

So my questions- Has anyone else felt this way? This panic and doubt right before taking the next step? How did you over come it? Did you regret it and decide to stop a transition or detransition? Am I alone in feeling this way?

Thanks for reading

[Megan.]

Doubts are totally normal, and a sign you're thinking this through, nothing wrong with that. [emoji4]

Many here including myself just took it slowly. Take a small step,  pause/reflect, and then if you want/need,  take another.

At any time you can pause,  stop or go back. Nothing in this world is black and white, certainly not gender. Don't look for labels,  just explore and find what works for you.

Good luck. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Dena]

This always has been a real risk for those of us who transition. Because the medical community understands this, there are two tests that will help. The first is a year of HRT before surgery. As this provides gradual body changes, if you find yourself uncomfortable with the body changes, you can discontinue HRT while the changes are still minimal. Breasts can be surgically removed (thought they won't grow if you resume HRT latter on) and most of the other effects will diminish over time. The other test is RLE (Real Life Experience). Living as a woman without surgery will give you a good test of what life will be like in the future. You don't need to over dress while doing this, just wear the clothing that would be worn in normal day  to day life. For some this might mean jeans and a more feminine top. On the plus side, once people get past the initial fear and start on RLE, they rarely change their mind and the process of RLE reenforces their desire to transition.

[ema_m]

So if I go on HRT, go off it, then go back on it my breasts wont continue to grow? Or is it just if I have whatever tissue removed they wont regrow?

[zirconia]

Just stopping hormones won't affect later breast growth should you resume taking them.
If you have your breasts surgically removed, they will not grow back.

[KathyLauren]

Has anyone else felt that way?  Yes, pretty much every single one of us!  What you describe sounds very much like you really are transgender, and it sounds very normal.

But HRT is a big deal, and it is natural to have doubts.  You will have to work through the doubts yourself, with the help of your therapist.  It is your decision alone.

So if I go on HRT, go off it, then go back on it my breasts wont continue to grow? Or is it just if I have whatever tissue removed they wont regrow?

If you start growing breasts on HRT, then change your mind, the growth will stop when you stop the HRT.  If you then have them removed, they will not re-grow.  In fact, they will then not even grow if you resume the HRT.  Once the breast tissue is gone, it is gone permanently.

[Dena]

So if I go on HRT, go off it, then go back on it my breasts wont continue to grow? Or is it just if I have whatever tissue removed they wont regrow?

I reached about an A cup over about 25 years of HRT. Because of medical miscommunication, I was off HRT for 10 years and have been back on the newer treatments for a little over two years. My breast have pushed out to a full B cup and unlike before, they ache and itch because they are growing faster than before. As long as the tissue isn't removed, it will continue growing until it reaches it's full genetic potential.

[ema_m]

Dena, that's great to hear. i've dreamed about having breasts for so long I don't know if i would ever get them removed. Thanks everyone for you support and replying to this. These doubts are crazy, one minute I am certain and the next I am full of doubt and/ or anxiety. I wish we were born with insturctions

[Breeze 57]

I read your initial post and can relate totally.  I too thought it was a fetish and I would just stop at a certain age.  But when I tried to stop, my mind would just race out of control and the urges proved to be too much.  I also felt it was sick, dirty, and I would feel so ashamed.  Can't recall all the times I purged everything, vowed to stop, and ended up buying everything all over again.

I've now done some research and do believe this is how I was born and denial is not possible if I want to retain my sanity.  As the Borg would say in Star Trek:  "Resistance is futile".  Okay, I'm also a nerd.  I accept that component of my personality too.

Anyway, I did the therapist thing and started HRT 4.5 months ago.  I feel so much better and in control, but I do still question myself all the time as to if this is the right path.  As I male, I have it pretty easy.  I am financial secure, somewhat respected in my community, married and have kids.  If I continue on this path I am on, I know at some point my wife and I will split up and I will have to move from my home town to hopefully prevent embarrassment to my wife, kids and siblings.  I know I shouldn't have to, but I also recognize the reality in my small rural town.  Even though I know all this, I keep taking my little blue E pill and my round T-blocker pill as I don't think I want to go back to that unhappy person I was before.

I think, as many do, I didn't ask for this and would opt out if I knew of any practical, realistic way to rid myself of these feelings.  I asked my brother once (who knows this about me) if he ever thinks about being female.  He said it's never crossed his mind.  I told him I found that fascinating as I think about it everyday.  I have to ask myself when I doubt myself:  Is it better to remain in hiding, pretend to be a man, and be miserable (while retaining my family and financial security?  Or do I accept my true self, feel better personally, and probably lose or greatly change the family bonds I have now.  It's a classic no-win scenario.  ***Extra credit points to anyone who can name the simulation test Kirk had to go through at Star Fleet Academy that names the no-win scenario.

Anyway, doubts are normal.  It shows you are sane.  I have no plans of going off HRT at the present, but I also haven't lost anything yet (and I'm not talking about SRS...sorry just my sense of humor showing through).  I wish you clarity of thought and happiness in your future.

[KathyLauren]

If I continue on this path I am on, I know at some point my wife and I will split up and I will have to move from my home town to hopefully prevent embarrassment to my wife, kids and siblings.  I know I shouldn't have to, but I also recognize the reality in my small rural town. 

I understand that you know the people involved better than I do, but even small rural towns can sometimes be fine places to come out.  My wife and I live in a small village of 300 people (max), twenty minutes from the nearest small town.  There has been no embarassment, no hostility, nothing.  I am accepted as a valued member of the community who just happens to be trans.

***Extra credit points to anyone who can name the simulation test Kirk had to go through at Star Fleet Academy that names the no-win scenario.

Kobayashi Maru

[Devlyn]

...Kobayashi Maru

Beat me to it! 

[Donna]

I have to agree with Dena

RLE will open your eyes to what is possible and it is really the only way to find your confidence in the real world. We can all say we can do it and we all dream of doing it but until you do you can't explain or appreciate the greatest feeling of all IMHO. That of being your true free self and not giving a damn about what others think about it. You will find on HRT so many changes and some are going to make you feel great and some will
Make you feel bad. These are all learning tools to a better you. Don't rely on time lines and set in stone plans as only your body knows what and how it wants to respond to HRT. Each and every one of us is unique and no two people are ever going to do it the same  or have the same results. You will get discouraged or you will be thrilled with your results and no one can take that away from you because they are different. This is for you but it also includes all of us that will support those changes in you no matter what. Questioning and thinking this thru is very smart as there are a lot of considerations once you come out and some of those can't be undone. Read thread and posts here as ther is a wealth of very good information. Talk with others here, almost none of us bite lol and we are all supportive. Have a great transition if that becomes your path but always remember to be true to yourself

[gracefulhat]

Hi there! So I am new here and all. I have some questions, mostly to see if I am alone or not in feeling this way. Sorry in advance if this gets long.

So, I am 41, married and have a daughter. I have been dealing with  thoughts of being female since I was a child, 4 or 6, I don't remember exactly but it's been around a long time. I dressed when I could and felt terrific. I used to pray to wake up a girl when I was a kid, and daydreamed wonderful fantasies about how this could be accomplished as I grew up, like being able to swap bodies, make a clone, even hope for re-incarnation, you know, this is a common story. It's expression has mostly been to dress privately, alone, and that all felt dirty. I thought it was a fetish for so long.

Now, I have been in therapy since January with a gender identity specialist. I kept dancing around the idea for 6 months but decided that it makes the most sense, it makes me the happiest, to think, and accept that I am Transgender - still not fully ready to say that I am a binary Transgender Woman, but I know there is a very strong Femme component to my gender identity and I am at the point where I am making arrangements go to a clinic for HRT. I have a letter from my therapist if my insurance needs it, so I am ready to go.

I have recently come out to a few friends (of course my wife when this all started, when I started seeing a therapist and everything) and I've started to talk about it in a real way with them and myself. Now here's the problem- My doubts are growing. Like I have these serious doubts that I am making it up. I feel like I won't like changing my body. Sometimes, now, when I think about transitioning, about having a woman's body, instead of how the thought used to make me feel excited and happy and full, now I feel more doubt and shame and panic.

So my questions- Has anyone else felt this way? This panic and doubt right before taking the next step? How did you over come it? Did you regret it and decide to stop a transition or detransition? Am I alone in feeling this way?

Thanks for reading

Ema, I am in a very similar situation minus the child. I am pre HRT and constantly am going back and forth in my mind about if it's worth possibly destroying my marriage, my relatiinship with my own family, work, and just the anxiety of not knowing if I will even pass in real life. But... if I don't pursue it then my mental well being is compromised. Before coming out to my wife, parents, and manager, my stomach was in knots and I couldn't sleep at night. I am making steps toward ttansirioning like laser hair removal to face, I have a consult with a surgeon on Monday for a tracheal shave, started yoga/ voice training / and applying make up. These are all easing the dysphoria, but I know that if I don't start HRT then I will never be at peace within myself. You are not alone.

[ema_m]

So I have some partial RLE. I've been shaving some body hair, like my chest and arm pits. I haven't gotten the courage to shave my legs yet though, with summer here and everything. I changed my underclothes too and wear feminine pants often but I am still pretty masc presenting. I haven't found a way to explain dressing more like my gender to my 4 year old yet and I don't want to mess her up too much before trying to explain what's going on yet. I am hoping to go to Pride this year as myself though. Might be a good time to start with some experiences.

[Breeze 57]

TEN (10) extra credit points to KathyLauren and Devlyn.  Kobayashi Maru is the correct answer. 

Kathy:  I would like to stay in my home town and maybe, possibly the residents here would accept me, but I don't think I would ever take that chance.  Possibly they would be okay with it, but I know people, and while they might not say anything to your face, there would be talk.  While I could probably deal with the whispers, looks, and comments, I couldn't bear to subject my wife, kids and siblings to that.  I can hear it know, "Oh, her father is the transgender one.  He's now a woman." 
Can't subject them to that.  It's my decision to transition and I won't let them share in the negative aspects of it.

[emma-f]

Yes, completely 100% normal. I went to uni with someone who some people might know of, Charles Kane. I spent years wondering if I was making a mistake, and I read what he said about his life having detransitioned but having had surgery, and how awful it was. I wondered if I was suffering some kind of undiagnosed other condition, or just plan wrong about it. In the end I realised that it was so all encompassing and always there that it couldn't be wrong. But yeah, huge doubts

Em x