For 58 years I struggled with dysphoria. I didn't know the name for it at the time. I started out crossdressing but I knew it went deeper than that. Then I got sick with heart disease. It has always been with me but it was not until my late 30's that it reared it's ugly head and quelled any hope of transitioning. Then I found Susans and after some very encouraging advice from Dena, I decided to reveal that I am transgender. That was two years ago. I know I don't have any concerns like the youngsters as I already had a 40 year career. I also found that there was probably an external force that made me this way and it had to do with medications prescribed to my mother while I was in utero. Unlike the youngsters, I have been married for 35 years. My wife knew I crossdressed before we got married. I had lost my previous wife because I presume she had found evidence of my crossdressing. Back then transgender was not even a word. I prayed constantly that I would fall asleep and wake up a woman. I've resorted to using colored pencils as make-up when I was young. But a couple year ago I could not stand it any more. I was having a mental breakdown. Since then I have stabilized. I no longer suffer from mind bending depression. Being out and about with people in similar situations such as at my support groups has made me feel as if I finally have assimilated with my peers. I am getting more comfortable all the time. I am returning to therapy tomorrow actually to see what I can / should do to go full time. I still have not embraced going full time because I would hate to throw away a 35 year relationship with the mother of my children and the one person keeping me relatively sane. I get out two, three days a week where I get dressed and go to my meetings and other appointments. I always wear something to remind me that I am female in the brain, be it panties, or panty hose, or a non descript bracelet. I can say I have never been so sane and the anti depressants I was on, is not what I needed.
