Here goes.

[mallorywood]

Wherever you are, not that it's a race.. I'm way behind you.  I stopped lying to myself way too late - 36 - wish I'd have done so at 26.  And I didn't prepare myself for any of this, just went on a whim when the realization hit me that I've always been this way. 

As far as the world knows I'm a 36yo male.  Nobody knows that I'm not this, except one person and that one person that I told immediately betrayed my confidence and left me feeling like garbage.  .. Anyway .. The truth is, I'm not, and I'll tell you briefly how I know.

When I was 23 I had a relationship with a woman and I thought I loved her in all ways and she loved me.  Everything very cis and normal, except when she was gone, I would try on her boots and her clothes.  I confused loving who she was with wanting to be who she was.  I confused trying to understand myself with trying to understand others - it was like a cover, an acceptable name given to an act that my mind, back then, would never have accepted.  And I never really was what I said I was - I was playing a rehearsed and studied role.. I hope this makes sense to some reader - I played a role I was told to play, but it was never really me.

I thought it was.  I believed in it.  But it was never exactly a fit.  I was working myself dizzy trying to lie to myself and avoid looking at the truth.

I could drag you through details, but I won't.  Time and again I found and tried to hide this part of myself, time and again it wouldn't go away, because it was *me*, but I had no idea for so long.  Years passed with me denying this part of me.  Yet some consciousness of it was growing.  Deny the shadow too long and she will come up and tell you what's what.

And she did.  And even though so many parts of it have been painful, I'm glad of it.  I know who I am now, even though I am more scared and unsure of my footing than I ever was before. 

I come here in humility and respect.  Seeing you all here and your confidence and power and intelligence and strength is incredibly encouraging and uplifting and I'm grateful.  I am here to learn and to listen and to absorb knowledge from the wonderful and generous people who are here.  I am thankful that this place exists, and in the long run, once I figure out the morass that is my life, I will be a contributing factor, too. 

Love, Life, and Respect - <3 -M

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Mallory wood,
What a brilliant description of how the woman within operates. If we ignore or deny her she kicks our ass in. If we form an understanding or come to an arrangement with her she gives us joy. Sounds ridiculous  but we are really fighting ourselves when we don't allow feminine expression. I bet I could learn some things from you about managing gender dysphoria!
Kind regards, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Jessica]

Hi Mallorywood 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
Many of us have gone through personal realizations that have been in phases.  Many of us wished we had the opportunity or bravery to be who we are at an earlier age. 
We all have our own unique story of how we got where we are.
I'm so happy you have found us, we all win when we share our experiences.

I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Eryn T]

Welcome to the community, M! 

It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance! I really enjoy hearing the way others have discovered they are transgender in these introduction posts. We're all so different, but at the same time, elements of similarities. These similarities help to clear our self-doubts(or at least, mine) by being like, "Someone else out there has truly been there."

I can identify so much with loving the idea of a person, but not necessarily them yet. And trying to be a man, but not really having it work out, either.  Even though I never dressed en femme until after my transition began. Eryn was hard at work nudging me in the direction I needed to go(because she obviously knew how miserable I was, but didn't show it to others) Predominately male-oriented things never interested me, like sports, cars, fighting, drinking, or being loud and obnoxious.

I am so sorry to hear that the person you confided in betrayed your feelings.  Some girls can definitely relate to that, too.  I was lucky enough that the first person I told that I knew, didn't. But not everyone is so accepting, and this is a big deal(obviously!) for you and to others around you, them too.  Initial reactions will always be shocking, but over time people begin to understand(sometimes) and if they truly care about you, they will support you in the end. 

I am also fairly new, and while I am pre-HRT I feel like of the major points to be recognized as a CIS female in society, I am only missing some make-up practice, really.  So, I might be able to offer advice on certain things. PM me if you would like to talk, hun!

Goodluck on the wonderful journey ahead of you~

Much love,
Eryn

[Megan.]

Hi and welcome 

Not that it's a race but I was 37 when I was where you are today, so you win!

What I have learned is that this journey, one of learning who we are, never ends; unless we choose to close our eyes to it.

Good luck in your travels. X

[MoreThan2]

Welcome!
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, I'm sure you'll make lot's of friends here.

[V M]

Hi Mallory 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M