new therapist want me to come out from stealth

[noitsbecky]

I just started with a new therapist, i had my first visit and he was recommended to me by my psychologist.  my other therapist is a vis gender straight female.  this new person is gay and focuses on transgender people.  my first visit i gave him my rundown
went full time at 22 6 years later i went stealth my wife and kids know

i have been struggling with being stealth im not sure its for me anymore.  he said i am beyond the closet im in a cave and that if i work with him he would like me to be proud of who i am (crazy right?) jk.  but he thinks stealth is messing me up on the inside.  my next apt is saturday im not sure i want to go im so scared of loving or being proud of myself.  i just feel so on the fence with this.  plus with our current political climate i want to fight for our rights but i also dont want to be out to do it.  i feel a bit crazy right now and im just venting

lil

[Devlyn]

I have long been interested in how people's therapists feel about them being "stealth". I'll be following this conversation, thanks for starting it.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Dena]

Stealth can cause a great deal of emotional pressure. On the other side, I can understand your fear of going public. My suggestion it to reach the state of mind I have. I don't advertise my past but I'm not worried if somebody discovers my past. I am not sure how to advise you to reach this state but perhaps your therapist can help you. Maybe having your past known in a few safe places such as a group meeting or a LGBT center but remaining stealth in your day to day public life.

[Bari Jo]

Hi Becky. I do understand where he is coming from.  In order to have no shame, you need to feel proud of who you are.  In not sure why this means you can't be stealth though.  I would have thought they aren't mutually exclusive.  Kudos on being stealth, btw.  I won't have that option:(

Bari Jo

[RobynD]

You should take everything at a reasonable and healthy pace, as it is your mental health. I can see though, how a therapist might say that. There is a lot of emotional overhead and energy in living in two places at once and getting to a point where there isn't, means you have more for other areas of growth.

My therapist has said similar things some years ago. Not the exact same thing or situation but similar.

[MissyMay2.0]

I'm a little unsure of your definition of stealth, because if you are presenting 24/7 as female, and no one knows you are trans (which is what stealth means), and your therapist wants you to suddenly start telling everyone you'te trans, when they've only known you as a female, then that really doesn't sound reasonable, but on the other hand if you present as male 24/7 and everyone knows you as a male (which is actually being closeted, and not stealth), and your new therapist wants for you to start presenting as female publicly, then that's reasonable, as long as you feel comfortable doing that. Your transition is all about you, you are in control, so don't let your therapist or anyone else pressure you into doing anything you aren't comfortable with.

[Dani]

Whether or not to chose stealth is your decision. Do what you feel comfortable with doing.

There are down sides with coming out. Some of us have lost our jobs or been verbally or physically abused.

Plan carefully. Stay safe. Don't let anyone else push you into something you are not comfortable with.

[Harley Quinn]

You can support the Trans community without being "out".  I have CIS friends that support the community...  You could just be an empathetic outsider.  The only reason to be openly Trans is because you want to be.  If its not what you want, then don't do it.  If your wife and kids know, that's all that really matters...  Being out or stealth should have no bearing on anything.  Being proud of yourself has very little to do with it.  In my humble opinion, having a loving and supportive family is plenty to be proud of.

[Rachel]

Before coming out I would look at the cost and benefits. You have time to think this through. The therapist may have a valid point but you can only come out once. Not only you will be coming out but your wife and child will be in this. How do they feel about this?

You may want to put a hold on coming out for 30 days. Give yourself time. You sound very stressed about this and it may help to have a cooling off period.

[KathyLauren]

he thinks stealth is messing me up on the inside.

I can see where he is coming from: I know that being stealth would totally mess me up.  But I am not you, and neither is your therapist.  In fact, I think he has a bit of nerve suggesting such a dramatic step on your very first visit. 

He is not necessarily wrong in principle, but only you can decide what is right for you, and ony you can decide the timing, if you do it at all.

[summer710]

I agree with MissyMay - maybe some clarification on the terms stealth vs out may help us understand your dilemma.
If you were previously presenting full-time then went back in the closet - what is your current gender presentation and public perception?  If everyone perceives you as female, than I think it could be weird [not necessarily, but potentially dangerous] to suddenly declare - oh, I'm actually transfemale (though if you want to declare that publicly for self-empowerment and trans-advocacy, then that's awesome  ).  If you're male presenting and perceived as male, then being more publicly open open your transition could be the impetus to move forward (again) and begin to again live authentically (whatever that means, since 'authentic' also has varying meanings for different people).
So to help better understand your dilemma - do you present (and are perceived) as female outside in everyday, public life?  Or do you present as male (and are perceived as such) in your everyday, public life (but secretly desire to present as female)?  Above all - make the safe choice (for you, your family, etc).

[Obfuskatie]

I was stealth for the first year of my transition, while being on HRT. One of the things I tend to tell people is, "it was a bad idea and I would do it differently if I had the chance." But if we're being honest here, there's a lot of things I would do differently in my transition, now that I've been doing it for 5 years.

The first big issue is, being stealth means you are jumping right back into a different closet. Anyone who does know, is dragged into that closet with you, and it tends to court resentment. Being closeted has demonstrated negative effects; even with queer people who have supportive families and smooth coming out stories still have PTSD from spending time in the closet. There was a scientific study about it in the gay community, I think I found it through Dan Savage's Lovecast.

Second, the stealth closet seems comfortable and it's sometimes harder to leave because you know there's likely no turning back. Maybe you're in college, or raising kids, or just married or just at your new job, there's a million reasons you can find to postpone truly coming out. I like to think of this as the getting in uncomfortably hot or cold water; you can pop right in and have to get acclimated fast or you can do it over time, as long as you actually ease yourself there.

Lastly, you need a timeline for when you won't be in the closet anymore, having a light at the end of the tunnel is crucial. You know you're working toward a goal, and you're motivated to get your support network ready as well. And remember that it's ok, sometimes we need a little momentum to leave the comfort of anonymity and become our true selves.

Try taking a baby step and tell one person you know offline in meat space. If you can make the plan, and execute it within a month, it'll show your therapist that you're not just hiding. Not that there's a problem with hiding, it's legitimately scary for queer and trans folk right now. Still, I'm out to everyone I know and I went through an agoraphobic phase, so I think that if I can do it, you can too.


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[Doreen]

We all have complicated life situations.  In my case being stealth means not explaining the incredibly complicated birth differences I had and suffered through.

INCREDIBLY complicated.. frankly most docs barely understand it, even specialists.  How can I even remotely expect some run of the mill schmuk to get it?  Even though trans issues are more open and known among the general populace, still its YOUR choice to be open about it or not to.

We often don't tell everyone everything about us.  No need to spill the beans on childhood trauma after all, is there? Unless you really really want to know someone well, frankly its none of their business.

To each their own, but noone here, whether its therapists or others in the same boat should tell you what must be done.  However, it never hurts to learn from others life experiences and what worked for them.

I'm "stealth".. for now.. and have been that way for at least 25 years.  Its not shame to be so, its simply not disclosing my messed up birth status.  I'm not 'hiding' anything... being a sneaky spy in the 'other' camp secretly videotaping others.  I'm just me, living my life as the female I am.. complications notwithstanding.

[Kylo]

Safety first, then whether or not you want to be out, or whether it would actually improve your physical and mental situation to be out. I see it as private information - I no longer would want everyone to know any more than I'd want to tell everyone I meet about my sexuality or my life story. Unless by being stealth you personally are actually doing something harmful to yourself, it doesn't seem reasonable to me to tell someone they need to disclose this stuff to the world. Be wary of therapists' personal views being overlaid onto your case. That's not very professional of them... ask him why and how exactly that would improve yours

If you aren't comfortable with doing it, don't. You can't undo it once it's been done. You can be happy with and proud of who you are without broadcasting your situation.

[Virginia]

I see your new therapist as being very wrong on two counts:
In suggesting something so radical after only having seen you for a short time
In attempting to push his personal agenda on you.

I ran into this same thing with my Gender Therapist who insisted I needed to come out to the people in my life. She was furious that I would not take her advise. Three years of therapy later it turned out I had Multiple Personality/Dissociative Identity Disorder and was NOT transsexual. Following her advise would have cost my marriage and the life I spent nearly 50 years building...

Three psychologists and nine years later neither my wife nor I feel any need to share the details of my mental illness with anyone outside of therapy. As important a part of accepting who they are "coming out" can be for some people, in and of itself it has nothing to do with self love.

[Devlyn]

Virginia,  the O/P stated that she told the therapist she was struggling with stealth. It seems the therapist is working on what the client wants to address rather than pushing their own agenda.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Virginia]

Devlyn, the O/P also stated this "new this new person is gay and focuses on transgender people." It seems the therapist is pushing his own agenda rather than trying to find the underlying cause of what his client wanted to address. I guess we see what we want to see...

[SonadoraXVX]

noitsbecky,

I would say, its your choice whether you want to come out or not. Its how you feel, with yourself, your environment, and anything else that you can think or feel. Nobody should be made to feel to come out, just because it fits some sort of mental schema of what is considered right by academics, other people(lgbti), activists or not. I would say, its based on your comfort level, but do understand the rigidity of other countries and even states standards of comportment and ways to be, unfortunately.

Its an individual decision, if it can be.

[DawnOday]

Virginia...It's why we seek out gender therapists. Therapists not versed in gender conflicts cannot be expected to understand the complexities of understanding gender. There have been countless, emotional confessions that transitioners have been subject to conversion therapy. Imagine being exposed to Marcus Bachmann.

[noitsbecky]

I was taking my time on responding and waiting for my second visit to be done.  ill clarify a few things i was boy a boy i came out at 22 went full time as a woman almost immediately i meet my wife post transition.  i was out for the first few years but decided to go into stealth and cut off a bunch of relationships in order to achieve this. i am 32 and have been myself since i was 22. 

my second visit he apologized about being so forward the first visit and i will give a little more background i did MMA i was a bodybuilder and i did all these thing to protect myself from a world that scared me, i became an alpha male.  He told me that i never buried that old me, i still live in a world that scares me but i live a low risk lifestyle. work home date night the usual, there is part of me that misses advocating and with the war on the lgbtq it seems like latley i should be out and proud because i feel i am a success story in a world were there are so many bad stories. 

my next trick is how do i bury the old me mentality once and for all because until i do i keep self sabotaging myself i need to loose a lot of weight to get surgery or so they tell me im 5'2" and i weigh 290 pounds ( i still retain alot of muscle)as well as fat.  i am scared of "completing" my transition cause what if i do and still have dysphoria. 

i like this therapist he is compassionate and seems to be understanding i think i will never be full out of stealth but it would be nice to have trans friends (even the one girl i work with who is trans) has no idea im trans thats how deep i am.  plus its hard to find other women in my area that i could hang out with socially.  i live in the suburbs of Chicago i just feel so conflicted and i do feel like i am still in the closet and i am scared to take the last few steps at being me through and through.

Always