My trans girlfriend is kinda transphobic. (Trigger warning for some of you)

[AquaWhatever]

So the good lord answered my prayers and sent me a new gf.
The plus was she was trans and basically she's like me in a lot of ways.
She's very supportive, very sweet, I been depressed for awhile and she's one of the
few people who can actually make me happy. I know it's still early in our relationship but when I say we hit it off we REALLY hit it off really quick. We have lots in common.
She's basically my ideal girl and she's told me numerous times I'm her ideal guy.
Alrighty then, backstory time


So when we first met she didn't know I was trans.
I didn't want to tell her because... I honestly dread telling people I'm trans because
I get this nagging feeling they see me as "half man" or a statement.
so I was hesitant to tell her unless I knew we were going somewhere.
When I saw her I had a feeling but I didn't say much.
Long story short, she told me she wanted to transition but can't fully do it because her parents.
Even then I didn't tell her. I'll say a few into our building relationship (we weren't dating, we were mostly still talking) I decided to come clean to her and tell her the truth because she started to get really close and by close I mean she basically told me she has feelings for me as I did for her.
She even cried when she told me. So I told her I was trans.
She cried, she told me she didn't know if she could be with me and I accepted that and told her

I'm ok with that and I don't hate her, and if she doesn't want to be with me I will accept her choice.
She told me a hour later after I gave her time she didn't care I was trans and in her own words
I'm more man than any guy she's ever met.

Fast forward we were having a discussion today and I asked her
If she would date a trans guy now that she's been with me.
And she laughed it off a little bit and I asked her again and she got more serious.

She told me she's not into trans guys which I didn't know if I should take offense or not.
I told her I'm a trans guy and she told me I'm basically a "normal" man.

I asked her why she feels this way and she told me she thinks
most trans guys are no different from the lesbians she knows.
Then she told me about Chase Ross and she even thought Ash Hardell was a trans guy.
Basically she was bringing up gay trans men, or masculine dressing non binary people.

I've told her the problems I had with the feminine trans men and nb people in my social circle and she's met these people before too.
But I've never disrespected their identity as men.
I somewhat feel I'm to blame for it because she's made comments before and I would laugh it off or humor it myself.
But I have this nagging feeling now that she basically doesn't see trans men as men despite being a trans girl herself and she doesn't feel the same about transwomen.
She basically feels transwomen are valid and trans guys are not.

She's the second trans girl I dated who said this to me and my relationship with my last girlfriend ended somewhat due to that mindset (she was pressuring me into phallo after I told her I wanted it)

Mind you she's not bad like that.
She's said herself a (male part) doesn't make you a man so idk where she's coming from.

Idk if I should feel offended being a "exception" because I don't to some extent.
But it makes me somewhat insecure that she doesn't really see me like a guy as much as she says :/

[Doreen]

Ouch.. I'm so sorry you have had to go through that.  Its always very tricky when being trans enters a relationship, and just because someone else is trans doesn't mean they are actually interested IN other trans.  The world is complicated beyond measures, and I'm not sure there is any one good answer to this..

Suffice to say though, if she can't accept it it sounds a bit like a deal breaker.  You can't not be who you are just to 'fit in' to the relationship.. If she's still together though maybe it sounds like she's still interested in you anyways.  Maybe just her being honest already tells you where her thoughts lie, but people do change, sometimes.

[Sonja]

@AquaWhatever Its a complicated situation to comment on, Even if she's making you a special case by her reaction to your question about dating other trans guys - I wouldn't let it bother you because - you're special enough for her to be in a relationship with.  Every day of the week every one everywhere is honing their opinions about how they see themselves, how they feel about other people, and even then on any given day a tired(hormonal) person can say something they don't even mean. Its even more complicated with transgender people.  So with that in mind - I would simply take her at her word, focus on all the positive aspects of your relationship with her and enjoy each others company. 

Take care,

Sonja.

[Ryuichi13]

I feel somewhat inbetween the two previous posts. 

Your gf has to accept you as the man you are, just like you're accepting her as the woman she is.  Its obvious that she likes you for you.  However, she should eventually realize that a transman is a real man, no matter what she may feel.  It might take her a while, but if you're patient, she should come to that realization. 

I"m wondering if part of her dysphoria is "not being able to see other transgender people as their authentic selves."  Its something that she might need to discuss with her therapist.

Good luck bro!

Ryuichi

[MaryT]

I can understand you being in two minds about her being attracted to you but not to "trans men".  You are her reality, though, whereas "trans men" are her theory. 

Since you told her that you are trans, I would regard her feelings towards you as a compliment.  You don't have to feel that you are betraying other trans men if you are still attracted to her.  Rather, you could regard it as a learning process for both of you.

[Grunt]

I can't help but feel her thoughts are a reflection on herself, and not on you. Her parents don't approve of transitioning, and it can put a lot of strain on someone's mindset. Also, it sounds like she was talking about the more feminine FtMs and NBs, which tells me she's scared of feeling like a lesbian, or in an awkward 'straight/gay man with a lesbian' if she's not living and dressing like a woman yet. Either way, if you like her, she clearly likes you, so I would just focus on your here and now, and not her views on others.

Good luck,
Benji

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[Megan.]

So the good lord answered my prayers and sent me a new gf.
The plus was she was trans and basically she's like me in a lot of ways.
She's very supportive, very sweet, I been depressed for awhile and she's one of the
few people who can actually make me happy. I know it's still early in our relationship but when I say we hit it off we REALLY hit it off really quick. We have lots in common.
She's basically my ideal girl and she's told me numerous times I'm her ideal guy.
Alrighty then, backstory time


So when we first met she didn't know I was trans.
I didn't want to tell her because... I honestly dread telling people I'm trans because
I get this nagging feeling they see me as "half man" or a statement.
so I was hesitant to tell her unless I knew we were going somewhere.
When I saw her I had a feeling but I didn't say much.
Long story short, she told me she wanted to transition but can't fully do it because her parents.
Even then I didn't tell her. I'll say a few into our building relationship (we weren't dating, we were mostly still talking) I decided to come clean to her and tell her the truth because she started to get really close and by close I mean she basically told me she has feelings for me as I did for her.
She even cried when she told me. So I told her I was trans.
She cried, she told me she didn't know if she could be with me and I accepted that and told her

I'm ok with that and I don't hate her, and if she doesn't want to be with me I will accept her choice.
She told me a hour later after I gave her time she didn't care I was trans and in her own words
I'm more man than any guy she's ever met.

Fast forward we were having a discussion today and I asked her
If she would date a trans guy now that she's been with me.
And she laughed it off a little bit and I asked her again and she got more serious.

She told me she's not into trans guys which I didn't know if I should take offense or not.
I told her I'm a trans guy and she told me I'm basically a "normal" man.

I asked her why she feels this way and she told me she thinks
most trans guys are no different from the lesbians she knows.
Then she told me about Chase Ross and she even thought Ash Hardell was a trans guy.
Basically she was bringing up gay trans men, or masculine dressing non binary people.

I've told her the problems I had with the feminine trans men and nb people in my social circle and she's met these people before too.
But I've never disrespected their identity as men.
I somewhat feel I'm to blame for it because she's made comments before and I would laugh it off or humor it myself.
But I have this nagging feeling now that she basically doesn't see trans men as men despite being a trans girl herself and she doesn't feel the same about transwomen.
She basically feels transwomen are valid and trans guys are not.

She's the second trans girl I dated who said this to me and my relationship with my last girlfriend ended somewhat due to that mindset (she was pressuring me into phallo after I told her I wanted it)

Mind you she's not bad like that.
She's said herself a (male part) doesn't make you a man so idk where she's coming from.

Idk if I should feel offended being a "exception" because I don't to some extent.
But it makes me somewhat insecure that she doesn't really see me like a guy as much as she says :/

I date the person not the gender. Your new GF may have worded it badly, but I think that might be how she feels. She's into you, your identity is not relevant.

Early in my transition, if you'd asked me, I'd have said I wouldn't date a transwoman. I had niaeve and preconceived characatures in my head. Fast forward and I'm happily in love with one; as I and my own understanding of identity and gender has evolved, so have my horizons, for the better! X

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[Paige]

I date the person not the gender. Your new GF may have worded it badly, but I think that might be how she feels. She's into you, your identity is not relevant.

Early in my transition, if you'd asked me, I'd have said I wouldn't date a transwoman. I had niaeve and preconceived characatures in my head. Fast forward and I'm happily in love with one; as I and my own understanding of identity and gender has evolved, so have my horizons, for the better! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

She obviously would date some transmen, she's just particular like most people.  I agree with Megan, I don't think she realizes the implication of what she said but I definitely wouldn't give up a loving relationship over this. 

Also it's usually a little  tricky in a relationship to ask your partner about who else they would date.  Most people won't go there.  It's one of those questions that you get from a partner that no matter what the answer you could be wrong.

Take care,
Paige

[Susan Baum]

So the good lord answered my prayers and sent me a new gf.

Your answer is in the first line you wrote.

As others here have said, you date the person; gender has nothing to do with it. After an initial attraction, any relationship comes down to person to person connections - either you "click" or you don't. When dating, one looks underneath the outer veneer into the other's soul and, at times, actions speak far louder than words.

You felt you could trust her with the truth and she responded in kind and clearly indicated she had carved out a special place for you in her life. Her actions are much louder...

Take the gift of having a special someone in your life with gratitude and run with it, don't second guess it. Whether your future together flourishes and thrives or withers is now in the hands of the same Lord that brought you together.

Susan

[Fadeuhhway]

This is kinda old but I wanted to just throw in my two cents...
There was a study done if I remember, a well known transman wrote a thesis on internalized transphobia. Basically, even as a transman, you'd still at times exhibit transphobic thoughts because you are uncomfortable  being trans instead of born as you feel. My thought is she feels that way about herself, so she winds up projecting her insecurities on you.

I'd say if you love her and want to stay with her, tell her how you feel. Be honest. And then non chalantly bring up seeing a gender therapist. For her, but you can talk about joining her. She has unresolved feelings about her own self being trans (especially her parents feelings and pressure) that she needs to work on.

And if sbe keeps saying those things after you say how much it bothers you  (it would bother me) then you can think about the negatives. For now, communicate with her.