Don't think I have the strength to transition :(

[TsukiCat]

Hi all, so this is a bit of a constant battle in my mind. I didnt realise how strong you all are to go through with HRT and the likes. I was a bit excited when I realised there was some way to fix me.
But I dont think I can go through with it. I look at myslef and I feel like i would never see a real woman, I dont think I could deal with the day to day hassle of bigots, Ive never had the self care to defend myself to start with.

Im thinkin that the easiest option is to just accpet been stuck in the wrong body, pretend like its normal and right even though I know it isnt. My dysphoria only got really bad when I came out so maybe it will just bugger off again.

My point of writing this is just to basically say you are all super super strong! Talking to a load of you there are certainly worse positions than mine as your all so diverse. I will continue supporting Trans people.

[Dani]

... But I think every single one of you should take five minutes and just appreciate how amazingly strong you are!

Only 5 minutes? It took me 50 years to find my strength to transition. I knew when I was a teenager half a century ago.

[DustKitten]

I feel the same way sometimes; that's why I put off transitioning for so long. I'm on here now trying to calm down a bit because I'm leaving in 6 hours to see a therapist and probably get my letter for hormones today. I'm slightly terrified because everything's changing and I don't know how other people will see me, or how I'll see myself in a year, or where I'll be living, or what I'll be doing, and the uncertainty feels scary to me. I'm excited, and I feel happy about the changes, and I know I need this so I can stay sane and feel less suicidal every week, but that doesn't make it any easier. I hope things work out ok for you, and for me, and for everyone else with our problem.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Think of this TuskiCat,
Have you secured your reproductive options? If so HRT is easy to start& it won't do harm except for infertility and breasts that you won't mind anyway.
Just remember you can dip your toe in the  water with HRT and see if it suits. No one needs to know for as long as you feel like.
HRT can be used to just take the edge off the gender misalignment we all feel. High dose or low dose can be chosen.
You don't need to be strong. You don't have to transition but you can if you want to. You can try it and drop it if you don't like it.
I'm so glad I tried it!
Wishing you the best, Kirsten.


Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Devlyn]

It's not about strength, it's about determination. No one took one giant step into their true self. Just keep taking one step at a time.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Ryuichi13]

It wasn't strength that I had to transition,it was nearly 55 years of living the lie of being female that finally got to me.  After realising that I should have been born male when I was EIGHT, I lived that lie for most of my life.  Finally, I simply got sick and tired of it.  Sick and tired of being told "sit with your legs together, you're a lady," sick and tired of dresses, sick and tired of heels, sick and tired of the bull->-bleeped-<- of not being allowed to speak my mind without being called a bitch and more. 

Society tried to shove me into a mold I wasn't shaped for, and for a while, I tried to fit.  But shoving a square peg into a round hole wasn't for me anymore, so I decided to find my square hole and make myself fit into that.  That's what being on testosterone has done for me.  It is my square hole.

Sooner or later, you might find that you have to find the hole that fits YOU.  Its a lot of work, but the younger you are,  the easier it will be.  Hopefully you will find and fit into your hole someday...and it won't be one that's six feet under.  Don't let it get that bad, okay?  If it does feel like its heading that way, seek help.  Get therapy and work your way into finding the hole that you fit in, ABOVE ground.

Good luck!

Ryuichi

Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk

[KathyLauren]

Perhaps now is just not the right time for you to transition.  Dysphoria will keep.  It comes and it goes, but it is never far away.

I put off transition for over 50 years.  That was what took the strength: trying to act as the male that I was not.  I finally ran out of the strength I needed to resist the truth, and started my transition.  Transition was not some big struggle that I forced my way through.  It was quitting fighting the inevitable.  I gave up trying to be a man.  I  set down the burden I had been carrying and said, "This road is too hard.  I'm going the other way."

If you have not yet come to that point, then perhaps this isn't the time for you.  But don't delete your account here, because you may find yourself back here eventually.

[TsukiCat]

Hi all, thanks. Don't worry Kathy I'll hold on to my account. I think in general all of this is too much, I am used to hating myself partly due to been in the wrong body and partly due to some bad business a few years back. The second I will always hate myself for wether I transition or not. And this is the cross roads I'm at the poin i feel if I transition I will be making so many more problems for myself even if it's how I'm meant to be.

Maybe in a society that bear more accepting the stress of people looking in would be so much easier.  I feel that if I don't change enough with treatment the dysohiria will run rampant anyway. Sigh.

[Dena]

A line from the movie "The Music Man" just hit me, "A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man, only 500".     The question is who is really the coward. I started cross living around 39 years ago and nobody has been anything other than polite to my face. Yes I have been misgendered a few times but it never went any farther than that. Online, probably in their parents basement and behind the safety of their computer I have been treated rudely. The coward is the one who won't face you when they insult you. Let your need drive you and don't worry about something that may never happen.

[CarlyMcx]

My understanding is that you are 18 years old, and you live in the UK, where the NHS will take care of most transition related matters— if you can stand the waiting times for care.

You really need to see a gender therapist about whether to transition or not —and not depend on web forum posts to make a decision so important.

I was 18 in 1981.  I did not know at the time that transition was even possible.  In 1982 I discovered it was possible but far, far out of reach both geographically and financially.

So I finished college and law school and looked at it again in 1989 when I had the money.  Then I found out that what they back then called Gender Identity Disorder was considered a mental illness.  Bye bye law license if I transition.  So I sucked it up, got married and raised children.

1999:  got divorced.  Tried again.  Saw a judge verbally abuse a young transgender woman in court.  Went back in the closet.  Spent 15 years living with high blood pressure, anxiety, panic attacks and the feeling that time was running out.

I also spent that 15 years helping all my attorney friends become judges.  I decided fixing the courts was the only way I could transition and keep my job and my life.

I finally, finally started transition two years ago at the age of 53.

Frankly I would give or do anything to have been able to transition at 18.  I would have given anything to have even been able to dress female in public back then without being arrested or beaten to death.  I actually saw a guy get arrested for being cross dressed at a shopping mall once in 1986 or 1987.

I would have given anything to have had an Internet when I was 18 where I could even discuss these issues.  All I had at 20 was an Apple 2 computer, and a dial up BBS where I posed as a girl for 3 months until I got caught.

There was no strength or bravery in all of this, just desperation and survival.

Now some things to consider:

Bigots and predators pick on people who are vulnerable and are easy prey.  Lions and tigers are predators of the flesh.  They go after the antelope with the bum leg.  Humans are predators of the psyche.  They go after the person with their eyes and shoulders down.

I was constantly picked on and preyed on as a failed man.  As a happy, successful woman I have never had any trouble.  I get stared at sometimes.  I am not 100 percent passable.  But I am very, very convincing, because femininity comes from the heart.  People love to root for an underdog.  They see you trying hard and having even a hint of success, they get in your corner.  I make far more friends as a happy girl than I ever did as a sad guy.

Now we come full circle.  You really need to see a therapist, not just about gender issues, but also that whole bit about hating yourself over whatever is in your past.

Deciding not to transition when you are still young enough that HRT could reverse most or all of the effects of testosterone is a huge decision and not one to be made lightly.  Please get some professional help to explore that decision.

[Kylo]

It's intimidating, but not as terrifying as a wasted or miserable life.

[randim]

Excellent advise from Carly. Don't just decide it's too hard. You have your entire adult life ahead of you. Don't waste it. Start therapy and figure out what works for you.

[Charlie Nicki]

You probably have the strength to take one small step, and then another, and another...Before you realize it, you'll be far into the process. I won't lie, it's not easy. Emotional and psychological strength is needed but you will get those along the way. There will be a lot of crying, frustration, doubts and fears, but that's part of any change.

[krobinson103]

Transition isn't something you dive into boots and all. It takes small steps and first are the scariest. You wouldn't be human if considering transition wasn't at least a bit scary! I was terrified but each step brings me closer to being me and there no feeling like that in the world. People say I'm brave... its not bravery its necessity and facing one fear at a time.

I waited 30 years to transition. One day you will feel ready, but till then don't give up. Change the little things one by one and eventually you realize you already did most of it.