Now I’m Nicole

[LizK]

Ok so another great pic to add to the workout album that I think @Alaskan Danielle  is compiling...the next one has to be after you have walked 5ks LOL its kind of like a "before and after" thread only with pics of totally exhausted sweaty "attractive" people.

[Jayne01]

Hi Nicole,

I'm very happy you had such a good morning. You are looking fantastic. Your landscaping looks interesting. I've always liked sloped blocks of land, they have so many interesting ways of being landscaped. We have a smallish back yard on flat ground. Not a lot we can do to give it character.

I am looking forward to catching up with you when you are in my part of the world next month.

Hugs,
Jayne

Thank you girls!

I had such a good morning, went shopping bought some new walkware (picture below), tried some perfumes, sun is out today oh roll on summer!



☀️[emoji16]☀️

Nicole

[LizK]

I am looking forward to catching up with you when you are in my part of the world next month.

Hugs,
Jayne

uh oh Look out, Shopping Frenzy!!!

[Northern Star Girl]

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
Wow-whee.... you look absolutely beautiful in your newest picture and walking shoes.   That big smile on your face says it all!!! 
You are looking quite trim and fit... keep up the good work.

Thank you so much for your update...  more to come I hope!
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

Thank you girls!

I had such a good morning, went shopping bought some new walkware (picture below), tried some perfumes, sun is out today oh roll on summer!



☀️[emoji16]☀️

Nicole

[Nicole70]

I don't have much news to report but it's been about 10 days since my last post so I'm feeling the need to journal my progress.

I'm still a month away from having my Estrodiol implant and looking forward to the hormone boost that will hopefully give me, my boobs don't hurt as much at the moment, I'm not sure if that is because I'm getting used to it or because nothing is happening, although I noticed this morning in the shower when I lifted my arm the they still stuck out and seemed more pointy.

I took my youngest to the Adelaide show on Monday, it was a nice day but a chilly wind, we went of the Ferris wheel and ended up sharing the cage with a man and his daughter, just as we were getting off the girl was about to rush out when her father said let the lady off first, well that just made my day right there [emoji16].

I'm getting really quite concerned about my voice so I'm considering starting voice training very soon. I have had two calls recently, one where I had booked a restaurant, and another about picking up my script and both times they have asked some questions then asked me to ask Nicole to call them back to confirm, I then had to explain that they were talking to Nicole ☹️.

Weight loss is a real struggle at the moment it's very slow and I haven't yet lost the weight I have put on since March, it's getting me down a bit and that doesn't help with the eating, I'm still trying though.

Nicole

[Jayne01]

Hi Nicole,

How exciting to be getting your implant next month. My own personal experience has been fantastic! The implant gives a higher and more consistently stable release of hormones, and it is working 24/7. The other effect I found is psychological. Knowing I have something inside me producing the correct hormones has given me a real mental boost. Its the closest thing to ovaries I will ever have, and once its in, I don't have to worry about it for months! My first implant lasted 6 months, my current one is expected to last about 9 months. We will see. I knew when my last implant was wearing off because I felt different. I hope you have as good results as I have had so far.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE for the correct gendering on the ferris wheel. It is such an awesome feeling!!!

I know what you mean about voice. My voice is currently at the top of the list of things that make me dysphoric.

Keep plodding along with achieving your weight loss goal. It takes so much longer to take the weight off than it does to put it on. Resist temptations to eat unhealthily and avoid those in-between meal snacks. They are the worst. Cutting back on my snacking alone has helped me lose a little weight. Now if only I could discipline myself to exercise more. You look really good in the photo you posted of yourself in your garden last week.

Thanks for the update. I always look forward to catching up on your thread.

Hugs,
Jayne

I don't have much news to report but it's been about 10 days since my last post so I'm feeling the need to journal my progress.

I'm still a month away from having my Estrodiol implant and looking forward to the hormone boost that will hopefully give me, my boobs don't hurt as much at the moment, I'm not sure if that is because I'm getting used to it or because nothing is happening, although I noticed this morning in the shower when I lifted my arm the they still stuck out and seemed more pointy.

I took my youngest to the Adelaide show on Monday, it was a nice day but a chilly wind, we went of the Ferris wheel and ended up sharing the cage with a man and his daughter, just as we were getting off the girl was about to rush out when her father said let the lady off first, well that just made my day right there [emoji16].

I'm getting really quite concerned about my voice so I'm considering starting voice training very soon. I have had two calls recently, one where I had booked a restaurant, and another about picking up my script and both times they have asked some questions then asked me to ask Nicole to call them back to confirm, I then had to explain that they were talking to Nicole ☹️.

Weight loss is a real struggle at the moment it's very slow and I haven't yet lost the weight I have put on since March, it's getting me down a bit and that doesn't help with the eating, I'm still trying though.

Nicole

[Northern Star Girl]

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
Very exciting to read your recent update postings.

I fully understand your feelings regarding your planned voice training and I sincerely hope that you can get that going soon....  and also your continued progress as you try to get a handle on your weight loss issues.   

All of this requires your fierce determination and dogged willpower...  we are your biggest fans and we are all rooting for you.  Getting gendered correctly at this point in your transition is a wonderful feeling for you.....  getting mis-gendered can certainly be disappointing, but it can be a learning moment also as you continue to refine your voice and appearance in line with your transition journey...  keep working on all of this and please keep us updated as you feel so led.

Hugs and wishing you well as always,
Danielle

[Alice V]

Hey Nicole!

just as we were getting off the girl was about to rush out when her father said let the lady off first, well that just made my day right there

Haha that's really cool glad for you

I'm getting really quite concerned about my voice so I'm considering starting voice training very soon. I have had two calls recently, one where I had booked a restaurant, and another about picking up my script and both times they have asked some questions then asked me to ask Nicole to call them back to confirm, I then had to explain that they were talking to Nicole ☹️.

And I decide to start from voice just because it's free and there isn't much of what I can do right now. I didn't make big progress though and sometimes I just feel it impossible, but then I listen others and keep trying I wish to hear your progress in this

Weight loss is a real struggle at the moment it's very slow and I haven't yet lost the weight I have put on since March, it's getting me down a bit and that doesn't help with the eating, I'm still trying though.

Yeah struggling with this too. It helps I tired of most unhealthy food like fastfood or chips or sugar or etc, but there's still a lot of tempting stuff I have to resist Good luck to both of us lol.

[LizK]

Hi Nicole

You are more than welcome to join Liz's Walking club...if you join then we have two members ....you and me.                                                                                                         Seriously though you are welcome to join me LOL

Don't you love it when things like the Ferris wheel happen...such a simple thing but sooo affirming

Good luck witht he voice...I gave up and am having surgery in Febrruary to lift my pitch. I will still have some work to do on prisosity(sp?) and a few other things but at a minimum the pitch will be right.

Take care
Liz

[Nicole70]

Hi All sorry for my very slow response to your postings, I have been just so busy this week it's crazy, last night I had Electrolysis, then got home and straight into a conference call, then when that finished at about 8:30 my dad called, by the time I had a cup of tea it was bed time.

@LizK

Thanks for your offer to join you for a walk, I think I may take you up on that offer when it gets a bit warmer and lighter in the mornings, not sure what time you go but I have to be back home by 7:45 to pack lunches and get my youngest off to school.

I'm really interested to see how your voice surgery turns out i'm considering it myself.

@Alice V

I have made a call to book myself in for voice training, left a message, hopefully I will get an appointment soon, will let you know how it goes. Snacks are my worst enemy I try hard to stay away from them, I have good and bad days.

@Alaskan Danielle

Thank you for your continued support, I'm trying hard on my exercise routine at the moment, I played Squash on Wednesday evening which was good as we haven't been able to get together for the last couple of months, I did wear my new girl-wear to squash and it felt so much better than man-shorts and tee-shirt.

@Jayne01

Yes, I am really looking forward to having my artificial ovary implanted in October, like you said it's that peace of mind knowing that it's there 24/7.

Looking forward to catching up in 3 weeks

Hugs to all,

Nicole

[Nicole70]

It is my 20th wedding anniversary today, I'm just so glad that my wife is still with me, it has been a tough time for her since I dropped the gender bomb. We are doing much better and things seem to going in the right direction.

I have made an appointment for a first consult with GCS surgeon Dr Ives in Melbourne for 17 December, surgery is probably more than a year off but making this first step feels like things are moving along.

I've managed to loose 1 kg this week so the weight is finally going in the right direction, I now have an incentive to loose as much as I can before December.

I had another good moment yesterday while shopping the assistant referred to me as lady, I can't see it in myself and I think she was just being kind, even so it felt really good.

[Jayne01]

Hey Nicole, happy anniversary to you and your wife. 20 years together creates a lot of history and deep connection between two people. In many cases that connection extends beyond gender. Congratulations for reaching this great milestone. I wish you a great many more joyous years together.

I am so happy to hear that you are both doing better after coming out to your wife. My wife has also had a very tough time but things are moving along really well for both of us now. We are also celebrating our wedding anniversary two weeks from Sunday. It will be our 17th anniversary.

You must be very excited about your GCS appointment in December. I am already following Liz's journey. I will also be following your GCS journey closely and ask you some questions along the way.

Well done on the weight loss. Keep up the good work. And congrats on being gendered correctly. It feels great, doesn't it?

Hugs,
Jayne

It is my 20th wedding anniversary today, I'm just so glad that my wife is still with me, it has been a tough time for her since I dropped the gender bomb. We are doing much better and things seem to going in the right direction.

I have made an appointment for a first consult with GCS surgeon Dr Ives in Melbourne for 17 December, surgery is probably more than a year off but making this first step feels like things are moving along.

I've managed to loose 1 kg this week so the weight is finally going in the right direction, I now have an incentive to loose as much as I can before December.

I had another good moment yesterday while shopping the assistant referred to me as lady, I can't see it in myself and I think she was just being kind, even so it felt really good.

[Nicole70]

I'm not sure what to do, you could probably tell from my post yesterday that I was struggling to write something positive.

Yesterday was our anniversary and was better than last year which quite frankly could not have gone any worse, last year my wife didn't even get me a card, and didn't acknowledge it, and it was a thoroughly miserable day. I had brought up the subject of this years anniversary and what we are doing a while back and my wife had indicated that it was ok and it would be like a normal anniversary. I did not want to have a repeat of last year I know we have made a lot of progress but I wasn't sure if she was really ready to celebrate again.

I totally understand that our anniversary is a very difficult time for her, it's a reminder of a marriage to her man that no longer exists, she must be feeling very conflicted, we are still together after all these years but I'm sure it's now not exactly what she imagined it would be like, not really what she signed up for.

This year I got a card and a present, which on the surface sounds great but the card was was a generic which she just wrote happy anniversary in, normally there would have been words along with that expressing feelings. The present was probably picked up at the till as an afterthought, it has really no relevance to it at all. We didn't go out for a meal to celebrate because she 'wasn't bothered'.

I'm just feeling so sad, I don't want to make a big thing over it, I haven't said anything to her about. I get it, she's saying she acknowledges the day now, which I guess is massive progress but she isn't in a place where she is happy about it.

I don't know if things are going to improve, is she staying with me because it's convenient, I'm sure she loves me but is she still in love with me. I don't want to exist in some one-sided marriage of convenience, I don't know if I should say anything I suspect I'm reading too much into it, it's the middle of the night (I can't sleep thinking about it) and I'm probably emotional because I'd hoped we would be in a better place this year.

Sorry I just needed to get this off my chest, I need a female BFF to talk to but haven't got one, so you are my BFFs.

Nicole

[Northern Star Girl]

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole: 
I am so sorry to hear the details of your lackluster and disappointing 20 wedding anniversary.   You are right about the fact that in some ways that you are not the person that she fell in love with and married.  I would imagine that she certainly finds it difficult to cope with the fact that she is now married to the woman that you are becoming... 
You don't have to read too many other threads on here to see the problems that MTFs and FTMs have with their spouses accepting their new personal relationships with the one that they married. 

You can not control how she feels about all of this but you can continue to be supportive, kind, loving and trying as best you can to make things easier for her to accept your transition journey.

My heart goes out to you and I am wishing your well in dealing with this.   20 years of marriage is not something to be discarded without giving your best effort to make it work.

You are in my thoughts and am trusting that you can make this work for you and your wife.
Please continue to keep us updated.... and YES, writing about these kinds of issues and sharing with like-minded friends like you have here on the Forums is considered good therapy that can allow you to mentally process all of this and hopefully find positive solutions.

Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

[Jayne01]

Nicole,

I am sorry your anniversary lacked the lustre that 20 years of marriage represents. The timing is perhaps a little unfortunate for a milestone anniversary. You are still in the early stages of becoming Nicole and this is still quite new for your wife. Maybe next year, in your 21st anniversary, she will be in an even better place to celebrate. There are positives to take away from this. She got you a card and a gift, which is more than last year.

From my personal experience, it is very hard to see the positives and not get sad when my wife lacks enthusiasm towards our relationship. I did my best not to get upset and show her that I still love her even when she treated me badly. Inside it was killing me and I vented out that pain to my therapist and more recently my bff. I thought it was important for my wife to understand that my love for her has not diminished because I am now a woman, I fact, my love for her has increased exponentially. Individual incidents have been hurtful to me when I viewed them in isolation. Thinking about the big picture has helped me cope. What I mean by the big picture is that my wife has not left me, she still makes living gestures, she is slowly accepting me presenting more and more as Jayne. What I am seeing is that she is growing with me, just lagging a little behind. At the beginning of this journey, she told me that if I grow breasts, she wouldn't be able to cope and it would probably end our marriage. Last week we went bra shopping together and she was giving me tips on buying bras.

Trust your history together and your love for each other. Transitioning is an extraordinarily stressful thing for a relationship. You will need more patience than seems fair to ask of you, but it will be worth it in the long term.

If you would like to talk some more, send me a PM or call or text me anytime.

Hugs,
Jayne

I'm not sure what to do, you could probably tell from my post yesterday that I was struggling to write something positive.

Yesterday was our anniversary and was better than last year which quite frankly could not have gone any worse, last year my wife didn't even get me a card, and didn't acknowledge it, and it was a thoroughly miserable day. I had brought up the subject of this years anniversary and what we are doing a while back and my wife had indicated that it was ok and it would be like a normal anniversary. I did not want to have a repeat of last year I know we have made a lot of progress but I wasn't sure if she was really ready to celebrate again.

I totally understand that our anniversary is a very difficult time for her, it's a reminder of a marriage to her man that no longer exists, she must be feeling very conflicted, we are still together after all these years but I'm sure it's now not exactly what she imagined it would be like, not really what she signed up for.

This year I got a card and a present, which on the surface sounds great but the card was was a generic which she just wrote happy anniversary in, normally there would have been words along with that expressing feelings. The present was probably picked up at the till as an afterthought, it has really no relevance to it at all. We didn't go out for a meal to celebrate because she 'wasn't bothered'.

I'm just feeling so sad, I don't want to make a big thing over it, I haven't said anything to her about. I get it, she's saying she acknowledges the day now, which I guess is massive progress but she isn't in a place where she is happy about it.

I don't know if things are going to improve, is she staying with me because it's convenient, I'm sure she loves me but is she still in love with me. I don't want to exist in some one-sided marriage of convenience, I don't know if I should say anything I suspect I'm reading too much into it, it's the middle of the night (I can't sleep thinking about it) and I'm probably emotional because I'd hoped we would be in a better place this year.

Sorry I just needed to get this off my chest, I need a female BFF to talk to but haven't got one, so you are my BFFs.

Nicole

[Nicole70]

Thank you all for you words of encouragement and support, we had a talk yesterday and I was probably reading too much into it, I do that a lot, my wife has been so supportive of me. We are doing ok, I get wrapped up in my own insecurities.

Nicole

[Jayne01]

Thank you all for you words of encouragement and support, we had a talk yesterday and I was probably reading too much into it, I do that a lot, my wife has been so supportive of me. We are doing ok, I get wrapped up in my own insecurities.

Nicole

I'm glad you were able to talk things over with your wife to clear up some insecurities. Good communication is so important through these stressful times.

You are doing really well, keep up the good work Nicole.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Nicole70]

I had my first session with a voice therapist today, my normal speech range is 115Hz to 210Hz, I have some exercises I need to do to bring my range up over time, obviously my voice is mostly on the lower range at the moment, finger's crossed I can improve over time.

Things are much better between me and my wife, we went out to dinner on Friday night and had a good talk. [emoji4]

I bought a new top, and two new bras, and new perfume Chanel Chance Au Tendre, it took ages (weeks) to find something I like and did not give me a headache, the Chanel is pricey though and felt really guilty buying it.

I'm going shopping again later in the week, I need a few new clothes, the ones I'm wearing I've had for quite a while and worn them to death, nice problem to have, I also want to try on some dresses, I've not worn a dress yet and I'm quite excited about it [emoji156][emoji151][emoji164] [emoji16]

[LizK]

I had my first session with a voice therapist today, my normal speech range is 115Hz to 210Hz, I have some exercises I need to do to bring my range up over time, obviously my voice is mostly on the lower range at the moment, finger's crossed I can improve over time.

Things are much better between me and my wife, we went out to dinner on Friday night and had a good talk. [emoji4]

I bought a new top, and two new bras, and new perfume Chanel Chance Au Tendre, it took ages (weeks) to find something I like and did not give me a headache, the Chanel is pricey though and felt really guilty buying it.

I'm going shopping again later in the week, I need a few new clothes, the ones I'm wearing I've had for quite a while and worn them to death, nice problem to have, I also want to try on some dresses, I've not worn a dress yet and I'm quite excited about it [emoji156][emoji151][emoji164] [emoji16]

Glad to hear you and your wife are getting along a bit better...it must be a relief.

Hope you enjoy your little shopping spree...I have been holding off and can't wait to get amongst it again for summer. Perfume is an essential in any girls wardrobe. It took me ages to find something I really liked then they stopped making it grrrr apparently that's why you have more than one you like.... Good luck with the voice stuff.....

Liz

[Stevi]

Nicole,

Good to hear your relationship with your wife is holding together.  It is difficult at times.  It seems you and I both have our insecurities and read more into situations than is really there.  It can be bumpy at times.  Talking it out will work wonders but our insecurities stand in the way of that sometimes, too.

Blessings to you both,
Stevi