Now I’m Nicole

[Jayne01]

Dysphoria has hit me like a tonne of bricks, I've been holding back the tears all day today, I have felt it coming for a few days. I don't know where it's come from. Seeing cis women makes me just feel desperate, I'm feeling like a total failure as a woman, I'll never look natural, what I feel inside nobody sees on the outside, to them I'm just a man in women's clothing.

My sister came over to visit my parents last week, I'm not going to go into any details but some extremely hurtful things were said, I've tried hard to put it behind me and I think I have, I'm stronger now and can ignore the ignorance, but I feel trapped - we are expected to visit her in Melbourne for Christmas and for various reasons it is difficult to refuse to go but I'm not sure I can take it. I know it's not good for my mental health, but if I don't go it will spoil Christmas for my family, my daughters want to see their cousins and my parents don't want there to be any issues between me and my sister.

Sorry for the rubbish update.

Nicole

Hey girl! (((((BIG HUG!!!!!!)))))

Sorry the dysphoria has hit you so hard. It always seem to hit when you are feeling most vulnerable and your defences are down. This will pass and you will reconnect with the woman you know yourself to be. A failure you are NOT!!! If you need to have a good cry, do it. You will feel better afterwards. A good cry can be therapeutic. I know you have heard it before, we are our own worst critics and with the dysphoria hitting you so hard, you are starting to believe the negative thoughts entering your mind. I have met you in real life, and you looked like a woman with all the subtle female cues that go with it to me, and I'm not just saying that to be nice, it is my honest, heartfelt opinion. If I didn't know you, I would have no reason to think you were born male. And it will only continue to get better for you as HRT continues to do its magic and you start to feel more comfortable and confident in yourself. You are a woman in woman's clothing! Don't let yourself forget that!

I'm really sorry that things with your sister are still not improving. It sounds like the Christmas visit will be challenging for you, but you will get through it. If you need to have a vent, we are all here to listen, you also have my private contact details if you need a private vent and chat. We have your back Nicole. Do the best you can to enjoy your Christmas as much as possible. I hope it isn't too hard on you.

Big hugs!
Jayne

[LizK]

Dysphoria has hit me like a tonne of bricks, I've been holding back the tears all day today, I have felt it coming for a few days. I don't know where it's come from. Seeing cis women makes me just feel desperate, I'm feeling like a total failure as a woman, I'll never look natural, what I feel inside nobody sees on the outside, to them I'm just a man in women's clothing.

My sister came over to visit my parents last week, I'm not going to go into any details but some extremely hurtful things were said, I've tried hard to put it behind me and I think I have, I'm stronger now and can ignore the ignorance, but I feel trapped - we are expected to visit her in Melbourne for Christmas and for various reasons it is difficult to refuse to go but I'm not sure I can take it. I know it's not good for my mental health, but if I don't go it will spoil Christmas for my family, my daughters want to see their cousins and my parents don't want there to be any issues between me and my sister.

Sorry for the rubbish update.

Nicole

Nicole

I am so sorry to read that you a feeling so crappy. It makes for tough days...the situation with your sister is difficult without her adding fuel to the fire. I feel for you. I can imagine how horrifying the thought of having to see her at Xmass. Is it now time to start thinking about drawing that line in the sand about what is acceptable and what is not...just a thought...Take care and I hope you are feeling better soon. I can come to you...

Take care

Liz

[Nicole70]

8 Month Update

HRT seems steady, no significant changes, I think there was a dip in hormones while my implant settled in, but my energy levels seem much higher now and my boobs hurt again. I feel really quite settled, life has steadied, I'm living as me as I always should have, so no significant dramas. My chest hair seems to be growing slower and I think is softer/ finer.

I've had a pretty busy month doing some heavy manual labour in the garden, shifted 7 tonnes of gravel, 4 cubic metres of mulch, laid paving, dug out rock, which has had the effect of making my biceps grow a lot, I've lost inches but put weight on. The bicep issue has messed with my head a bit, a few of my tops no longer fit on the arms [emoji3525].

I had two new things happen to me while at my local hardware store, I took a trolley full of building materials to the till and the lady asked if I needed a hand out with it to me car, I declined. I went out to my car, opened up the back and when I turned around a man already had already picked heavy bag of cement to put in my car, I thanked him for his kindness, but said it wasn't necessary, he said no worries love and went on his way apparently no idea I was trans, or did and didn't care [emoji16].

My cousin and Aunty are coming to visit from the UK on Monday for a week, they haven't yet seen Nicole so I'm a bit nervous but also strangely excited.

Nicole

[LizK]

Thanks for the update Nicole

That was pretty cool what happened at the hardware...very affirming we all need plenty of them

I bet your place looks great...I am sure with all your hard work your visitors will be impressed...hope you have a great time with them.
Take care
Liz


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Northern Star Girl]

8 Month Update

HRT seems steady, no significant changes, I think there was a dip in hormones while my implant settled in, but my energy levels seem much higher now and my boobs hurt again. I feel really quite settled, life has steadied, I'm living as me as I always should have, so no significant dramas. My chest hair seems to be growing slower and I think is softer/ finer.

I've had a pretty busy month doing some heavy manual labour in the garden, shifted 7 tonnes of gravel, 4 cubic metres of mulch, laid paving, dug out rock, which has had the effect of making my biceps grow a lot, I've lost inches but put weight on. The bicep issue has messed with my head a bit, a few of my tops no longer fit on the arms [emoji3525].

I had two new things happen to me while at my local hardware store, I took a trolley full of building materials to the till and the lady asked if I needed a hand out with it to me car, I declined. I went out to my car, opened up the back and when I turned around a man already had already picked heavy bag of cement to put in my car, I thanked him for his kindness, but said it wasn't necessary, ...[emoji16].

My cousin and Aunty are coming to visit from the UK on Monday for a week, they haven't yet seen Nicole so I'm a bit nervous but also strangely excited.

Nicole

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
Thank you for posting your terrific 8 month update.  All good news for sure.

Awweeee.... boobs hurting again...
consider it a blessing because it usually means that the HRT is doing it's thing... no pain, no gain.

Regarding heavy manual labor...  I found that just after a year of HRT that I was having more and more difficulty with tasks that require strength.... my arms and legs became a lot less muscular and fit more easily into tighter clothing... oh well, what will be, will be.

Your hardware store episode sounds very affirming for you...  yep, the benefit of being a woman.
I am always quite pleased when the normal courtesies that are usually extended to cis-women are extended to me as well...   like you stated in your latest episode, "... he said no worries love and went on his way apparently no idea I was trans, or did and didn't care."

I suppose where you live being called "love" is like me where I live being called Hun, honey, darling, sweetie, etc.  ...  what amazes me about that is there are feminists that find that to be offensive, oh well, I sure don't.

Well, Nicole, this will be "exciting" for you to introduce "Nicole" to your cousin and Aunty....   are they aware of your life change and just have not seen you yet or will all of this be a surprise to them?   

Wishing your well, and I will be eagerly looking for your future updates as you post them.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Nicole70]

@Nicole70

I suppose where you live being called "love" is like me where I live being called Hun, honey, darling, sweetie, etc.  ...  what amazes me about that is there are feminists that find that to be offensive, oh well, I sure don't.

Well, Nicole, this will be "exciting" for you to introduce "Nicole" to your cousin and Aunty....   are they aware of your life change and just have not seen you yet or will all of this be a surprise to them?   

Yes love is a common reference to a Sheila here in Australia same as hun, honey etc.

My Aunty and cousin are aware of my changes to Nicole, I told them a couple of months ago in a message, they were very accepting and warm in response. They haven't seen me for a few years so I think they may be a little surprised [emoji16].

[Nicole70]

My Aunt and Cousin have been here all week, I was really nervous when I first met them again, they are the first family from the UK that have seen me as Nicole, I was worried how it was going to go.

It has been wonderful, they have been so loving and accepting and try to use Nicole and gender me correctly, it doesn't happen all the time but they are trying and apologise when they make a mistake, I can't ask no more [emoji16].

We have been out and about this week with my mum, they have accepted me as one of the girls and we have had some lovely girl time shopping, talking girl talk, I'm so happy [emoji254][emoji126][emoji126][emoji254].

One thing I have realised - because they have obviously been asking lots of questions about how I knew, and how long, etc - is that while I have been happy to fill them in because they are family I'm getting to the point where I just want to reply 'I am who I am and don't need to justify myself'. I'm feeling really comfortable just being myself, I want to put the past behind me and get on with my life, I've wasted too many years worrying about what others may think of me. I love the freedom I have now to express myself, I never want to go back to that hell hole of manhood.

Nicole x

[Northern Star Girl]

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
Well now, you could not ask for a better reunion with your family members than you described....  they finally met saw "Nicole"  .... they were so very kind and accepting of you.   ....   
...you can see now that all those times of fretting and worrying about how you would be accepted were for not. 

I like what you stated:
"I've wasted too many years worrying about what others may think of me."

Thanks for sharing your good report.
Hugs and continued well wishes,
Danielle

[LizK]

We have been out and about this week with my mum, they have accepted me as one of the girls and we have had some lovely girl time shopping, talking girl talk, I'm so happy [emoji254][emoji126][emoji126][emoji254].

....

Nicole x

Wonderful, it could not have gone better...considering how nervous you were this is a such a good outcome..

Really happy (and a little jealous...LOL) for  you

Take care

Liz

[Nicole70]

48 today and feeling meh..

I stopped taking T blockers about 7 weeks ago when my E implant was inserted, I've noticed in the last couple of weeks increased signs of T, facial hair has thickened up quite a bit, feeling generally irritable, the unwanted one down below has woken up again, my boobs have completely stopped hurting, and I've noticed a change in body odour. It's doing my head in so I had my bloods taken this morning and have booked an appointment with my endo on Friday morning.

I have had coffee a couple of time recently with Liz and Cindy which has been really nice, I'm so envious of Liz but also really happy for her, she has her surgery next week, she is looking good and I admire her positivity, and preparation. Their is a downside though it has definitely increased my desire to have GCS as soon as I can, which depressingly won't be for another year, urgh!!!

I'm still struggling with my weight, another thing bringing me down, I have increased my exercise which I find helps my mood but I need to cut the calories too, I'm trying not to beat myself up about it I have enough on my plate at the moment.

Work is very busy, and home life also, so I haven't had much free time lately and that's probably a good thing because it's kept me sane and not had to think about things too hard.

I am getting excited about seeing Dr Ives in 19 days for my first GCS consultation, flights to Melbourne are booked, I fly in and out on the same day. I hope it all goes well because I'm sick of tucking, there is nothing good to say about it and is driving my dysphoria.

Name change related things are still popping up, I have now changed my land title and bank accounts, the last major things now are my passport and UK birth certificate.

I've also been mourning the years lost living without transitioning, I look at cis women and it makes me ache that I've missed so much, I know this is something I just have to get over.

I'm sorry that this update is a bit of a downer but it's just how I feel at the moment, I have had some really good time recently but I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, I know I'll bounce back and even though I'm down it still beats the darkness of living as him.

[Faith]

Nicole, I feel like the Queen of Downs. You have nothing to be sorry for posting of a 'subdued' mood. If I've learned nothing else it's that you have to get it out. Don't hold it in, vocalize it. In this case, type it.

Curious, why would you stop T-blocker just because you went on an E implant? That doesn't make sense to me. In some lucky few E is enough to suppress T, or been on it long enough to maintain reduced levels. Am I missing something?

Take care.
Faith

Wait, you get to visit with Cindy and Liz? ... life just isn't fair

[Nicole70]

Curious, why would you stop T-blocker just because you went on an E implant? That doesn't make sense to me. In some lucky few E is enough to suppress T, or been on it long enough to maintain reduced levels. Am I missing something?

Take care.
Faith

Wait, you get to visit with Cindy and Liz? ... life just isn't fair

Hi Faith,

I can't take Spiro because it will worsen an unrelated condition, so I was on Cypro which is a very effective blocker that had suppressed my T to zero even on a very tiny dose, and it was felt that E would be able to keep T suppressed enough, I guess I'll find out tomorrow what is happening, I am concerned about my E levels more because it's the first implant I've had.

Yes I am lucky to live close by Liz and Cindy [emoji16], they are lovely ladies.

I'm having my hair done today, then meeting friends for a game of squash later, that cheers me up, thanks for checking in [emoji16].

Nicole

[LizK]

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow. If you want to chat about your results or just want some company I will be home all afternoon. I hope you are feeling a little better. I understand from our chat why you feel so crappy. I am sure you will be able to get this worked out and will on the mend fairly soon.


Take care.

Liz

[Cindy]

Nicole, I feel like the Queen of Downs. You have nothing to be sorry for posting of a 'subdued' mood. If I've learned nothing else it's that you have to get it out. Don't hold it in, vocalize it. In this case, type it.

Curious, why would you stop T-blocker just because you went on an E implant? That doesn't make sense to me. In some lucky few E is enough to suppress T, or been on it long enough to maintain reduced levels. Am I missing something?

Take care.
Faith

Wait, you get to visit with Cindy and Liz? ... life just isn't fair

Those two spring chickens came around to visit the old broad as I limped around with my sore foot. We sat around in the sunshine and drank coffee, ate lovely biscuits that Nicole brought, set USA politics to right and they had a quick sneak at Jonathan (my pet snail) as he slept, neither seemed keen to do the same to Esmerelda (my pet spider).

Perfectly normal Adelaide afternoon Faith!  You are most welcome anytime... as are all

[Faith]

planes, trains, and automobiles  ...  I know how traveling works out.
I don't have a passport, I will never have one with my current legal name on it.

I'll wish from afar. You all are obligated to share a hug for me since I cannot be there.

[Nicole70]

Liz,

Thank you, I'm hoping I get a resolution today, I suspect I'll just be put back on blockers. Hope your morning walk went well.

Cindy and Faith,

I haven't yet applied for a new Aussie passport, and my UK passport expired a number of years ago, before I apply for a new one I need to change my birth certificate, I've been putting it off because of the £140 fee and the documents I'll have to collate, I'll probably tackle it in the new year.

Thanks to everyone for your support, I'm feeling a bit better again today, I'll post an update later.

Hugs

Nicole

[LizK]

Fingers, toes, knees and arms all crossed...that you are able to sort this out and can get back on track to feeling a bit more human...I would guess you are probably just about on you way..

Take care and good luck

Liz

[Cindy]

Nicole,

I'm in and out of the place today but I'm around all next week so we can catch up and talk behind Liz's back 

Just take it one step at a time hon

[Nicole70]

Hormone update

My blood test came back, T was elevated, E was better than when I was on tablets but still not quite high enough. I'm back on the blockers and take an extract oral E dose.

It is a relief to know that the problems I've been experiencing should fade again, the thought of those evil twin factories taking over again was making me feel sick.

I'm really glad I didn't let it drag on any longer, I probably already let it go on too long but I was doubting myself, next time I'll know.

Nicole

[Nicole70]

It's been a while since my last update, I hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas and managed to spend quality time with there loved ones. I didn't end up going to visit my sister this year, my parents haven't been well and they stayed home so we decided to do the same.

I feel like I'm starting a new phase in my transition, things have settle down somewhat and I'm just enjoying being me, and spending lots of time with my family.

The biggest reward from my transition has been getting closer to my beautiful girls, I love spending quality time with them and my wife [emoji3590] we have had a lovely Christmas. I'm feeling very lucky that they have accepted me and treat me like one of the girls. I have done a lot of baking, 7 dozen mince pies, and lots of sausage rolls, full turkey, pork, ham, Christmas dinner which was delicious even if I say so myself.

I have not been very active here on the forum partly because of lack of time, also I feel I need to take some time out, and because there isn't a lot going on to report. My updates are probably going to be less frequent, I'm not going anywhere and do really value the friendships made and help I have received here, when I'm able to I will hopefully return the favour and provide more input and help to others, I still feel I'm finding my own way and lack confidence when it comes to giving others advice.

My visit with Dr Ives in Melbourne went very well, I met him and his team and had a look around the ward. I have a date for my GCS which is later in 2019, I have to loose about 20kg to get down to a BMI of 28. I'm really happy that I now have a target date and feel really motivated to get myself into the best shape possible.

The Testosterone finally seems to have worn off now that the blockers are back on board, I had a pretty horrible time, the thought of going backwards messed with my head, the symptoms were hair on my face and chest thickened up, I got moody, my skin became more oily, I had more energy and stamina and while I was doing a lot of work in the garden my shoulders and arms bulked out which affected the fit of my tops, my boobs completely stopped hurting, and my male appendage "woke up".

I hope the New Year turns out to be good for everyone [emoji16].

Hugs and best wishes,

Nicole