(NSFW) Scared of My Thoughts.

[rlacy2018]

Hi, I've posted a few times before, and met some of you lovelies . Honestly I don't know why I'm posting this now.. I'm about to go to bed, so if I don't reply that's why. But, for those of you that haven't talked to me on the site, I'm Riley (still deciding on the name), 18 years old and mtf. This post is mainly going to be about masturbation, so if that's something you don't want to read, please click away (I won't get graphic or anything). But, basically since I was 12, up until quite recently, I masturbated traditionally how a boy would. But, recently I started using my 'parts' and treating them essentially like a clit, which was great. I can do that when I'm a lot more emotionally in the mood, and it feels so good mentally. Also, I was able to quit porn, and actually just use my genitalia on its own for once. But, if I'm dysphoric, I'll have a much harder time doing so, and have found myself resorting back to the old way. Anyways, that's not really my concern. My concern is, if I'm not emotionally in the mood, I'll end up, more or less wanting to have sex traditionally how a man would. This just really, really disturbs me. Especially because I'm not at all a dominant person, but I'm much more attracted to girls than guys (which I believe is the case for a lot of trans girls). It just confuses me even more, and I don't know if it's the T in my body (I'm pre everything), or because I'm a horny teenager, or if it really is because I'm not trans at all. It scares me. I've been doubting myself for four years, and this has just been getting to me. I mean, from my POV right now, I couldn't imagine being a man in society, so this just makes me question everything. I mean, I know I want to transition, it feels like my only option at this point. But things like this worry me. What do y'all think? Am I crazy? Am I just a normal teenager? The thing is, it also depends on who I'm attracted to in the moment. Like I said, girls turn me on a lot more, and I end up having those thoughts.

Side note: I think I know for a fact that I want to transition. The relationship with my ex boyfriend was the worst, it was so, so terrible not being able to be his girlfriend. That relationship taught me a lot.

[Dani]

Gender identity and sexuality are two different things. For many of us the sexuality was very satisfying as we matured naturally, but we felt miserable in our gender identity. There are many of us with the same doubts. Is transition worth all the sacrifices involved?

In a binary world, we are one or the other. Some of us describe ourselves as non-binary and this gives us more flexibility to be ourselves.

To answer your concerns about Testosterone directly, yes T is a very powerful hormone that makes us do things we would normally not do. Sexual drives are just one of those things. Others include physical strength and emotional confidence. The list goes on. As we grow older, our Testosterone levels decrease significantly and T is not so much an issue. There are a number of older transitioners, myself included, who felt in later life that transition seems more and more appealing.

If transition is in your future, do it when the time is right for you. Transition as a younger person is often easier to do physically, but more difficult socially and financially. For us older transitioners, it is just the other way around.

[jake3029]

This is almost like me I'm not sure if I'm trans but I feel like I am and I'm also more into women

[rlacy2018]

Gender identity and sexuality are two different things. For many of us the sexuality was very satisfying as we matured naturally, but we felt miserable in our gender identity. There are many of us with the same doubts. Is transition worth all the sacrifices involved?

In a binary world, we are one or the other. Some of us describe ourselves as non-binary and this gives us more flexibility to be ourselves.

To answer your concerns about Testosterone directly, yes T is a very powerful hormone that makes us do things we would normally not do. Sexual drives are just one of those things. Others include physical strength and emotional confidence. The list goes on. As we grow older, our Testosterone levels decrease significantly and T is not so much an issue. There are a number of older transitioners, myself included, who felt in later life that transition seems more and more appealing.

If transition is in your future, do it when the time is right for you. Transition as a younger person is often easier to do physically, but more difficult socially and financially. For us older transitioners, it is just the other way around.

Thanks for replying! I do think that it is related essentially to my sex drive, so I'm hoping it won't be an issue (I really don't think it will) as I start HRT, hopefully in about a month. Your explanation does make sense though. Thanks!

[annaleaver]

Psychologically this is really upsetting and I understand the awful emotions it makes you feel...I try to avoid these situations (sexual encounters/masturbation "traditionally how a boy would") at all costs because it's never worth it.

[rlacy2018]

This is almost like me I'm not sure if I'm trans but I feel like I am and I'm also more into women

If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me! I know these things are frustrating. It has been a bit more confusing to me, being very attracted to women and wanting to be one.

[rlacy2018]

Psychologically this is really upsetting and I understand the awful emotions it makes you feel...I try to avoid these situations at all costs because it's never worth it.

So, do you think it's a sign I'm actually not trans, or just an affect of my combination of age and hormone levels?

[Tatiana 79]

Hello Riley
First off you're not crazy.  and as for normal I'm not sure because I don't know the parameters of normal.
It sure seems like you got a lot on your plate right now, I was wondering if you ever talk to a gender therapist if not I believe you could work through this with them to get a better handle where you're at..
I too was only attracted to girls but I didn't want to possess them I wanted to be them.
And as far as having sex with girls I never really had any trouble because in my head I had to be the girl.
I know you mentioned you were questioning being trans at all but also mentioned feeling dysphonic  which implies a difference between your gender identity and your physical sexuality.
which implies to me that you are trans because if you weren't your inner identity and sexuality would be in harmony and not be opposing each other.
I do see where your anxieties coming from just being a 18 year old teenager is rough enough with many different feelings seeping into you then throw the trans thing in and that'll definitely add to your confusion.
If you haven't talked to a gender therapist yet I would definitely recommend it.
they're trained in this kind of thing and I'm sure they will shed a lot of insight to your situation
and please don't rush into anything without being hundred percent sure of where you stand
you're young and have plenty of time to work through this and then live a normal life that matches your inner identity.
All the best for your future love Tatiana

[annaleaver]

I couldn't say, I think libido is partially a function of hormones in the body among other things, acting on that and experiencing gender dysphoria during or after is worth discussing with your GP/consultant.

[rlacy2018]

Hello Riley
First off you're not crazy.  and as for normal I'm not sure because I don't know the parameters of normal.
It sure seems like you got a lot on your plate right now, I was wondering if you ever talk to a gender therapist if not I believe you could work through this with them to get a better handle where you're at..
I too was only attracted to girls but I didn't want to possess them I wanted to be them.
And as far as having sex with girls I never really had any trouble because in my head I had to be the girl.
I know you mentioned you were questioning being trans at all but also mentioned feeling dysphonic  which implies a difference between your gender identity and your physical sexuality.
which implies to me that you are trans because if you weren't your inner identity and sexuality would be in harmony and not be opposing each other.
I do see where your anxieties coming from just being a 18 year old teenager is rough enough with many different feelings seeping into you then throw the trans thing in and that'll definitely add to your confusion.
If you haven't talked to a gender therapist yet I would definitely recommend it.
they're trained in this kind of thing and I'm sure they will shed a lot of insight to your situation
and please don't rush into anything without being hundred percent sure of where you stand
you're young and have plenty of time to work through this and then live a normal life that matches your inner identity.
All the best for your future love Tatiana

Thanks Tatiana . Yeah, I do know that I'm trans, it's just confusing to have that desire at the same time. I do have a gender therapist, but I'm not seeing her atm due to health insurance issues (hopefully soon though). But, I just don't know if I can talk to her about something so intimate.

[rlacy2018]

I couldn't say, I think libido is partially a function of hormones in the body among other things, acting on that and experiencing gender dysphoria during or after is worth discussing with your GP/consultant.

Yeah, that's a good idea! Thanks.

[Tatiana 79]

Hey Riley,
I completely understand with what you meant about you might not be able to fully open up with her.
But Ponder this we were completely absent choice with  our gender identity it's just the way we came out of our mom's wombs.
So there's really nothing to be embarrassed about it's merely a condition that we have just begin to scratch the surface of understanding it's really no different than other diseases or disorders that are well understood.
it's kind of like the way leprosy was treated in the old days where they are all shipped to an island or confined space and had to stay there because the thinking then was they were cursed by God but now we know and understand the disease and it is no longer discriminated against.
But you're right it is hard to release your deepest innermost thoughts on this subject but it's really no different then like telling your doctor all your symptoms of your stomach ache or whatever. What we have will be understood someday and treated as such but unfortunately that's probably not going to be for quite a while because Society is very slow to change its ideas.
But who cares what Society thinks it's all about what you think in your head about yourself but you need to establish a comfortable relationship with your therapist first and get some good mojo flowing between you and her. I hope someday you can tell her your deepest thoughts because she really needs to know them to properly assess you just like I mentioned above about telling your doctor all your symptoms about your stomach ache or leg pain or whatever it's really no different it is a medical condition that is just not yet understood.
Most of us really love to talk about this and me personally I just can't shut up in and I'm like the Tasmanian devil in there spewing all my thoughts out as honestly as I can.
I most sincerely hope you find the courage to release all your thoughts to her she's a professional and this is what she does for a living so I don't think anything you're going to tell her is going to surprise her.
but it really all comes down to you sweetheart if you really do want to feel better you need to tell her everything. but I do know what you mean I felt this a little too at first but the way I am it only took a couple minutes before I was spilling my guts to her.
Please do not fall prey to the ancient social taboos that are completely meaningless.  I think you'll find that after a minute or two of opening up it'll flow out of you like water flowing in a river spilling  over a waterfall.
I also believe you will feel much better after releasing this contained information that is very private and sensitive to you. But after you do this you will feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders and will provide your therapist with the correct data so she can form a conclusion.  please trust me on this one it'll work.
love Tatiana

[rlacy2018]

Hey Riley,
I completely understand with what you meant about you might not be able to fully open up with her.
But Ponder this we were completely absent choice with  our gender identity it's just the way we came out of our mom's wombs.
So there's really nothing to be embarrassed about it's merely a condition that we have just begin to scratch the surface of understanding it's really no different than other diseases or disorders that are well understood.
it's kind of like the way leprosy was treated in the old days where they are all shipped to an island or confined space and had to stay there because the thinking then was they were cursed by God but now we know and understand the disease and it is no longer discriminated against.
But you're right it is hard to release your deepest innermost thoughts on this subject but it's really no different then like telling your doctor all your symptoms of your stomach ache or whatever. What we have will be understood someday and treated as such but unfortunately that's probably not going to be for quite a while because Society is very slow to change its ideas.
But who cares what Society thinks it's all about what you think in your head about yourself but you need to establish a comfortable relationship with your therapist first and get some good mojo flowing between you and her. I hope someday you can tell her your deepest thoughts because she really needs to know them to properly assess you just like I mentioned above about telling your doctor all your symptoms about your stomach ache or leg pain or whatever it's really no different it is a medical condition that is just not yet understood.
Most of us really love to talk about this and me personally I just can't shut up in and I'm like the Tasmanian devil in there spewing all my thoughts out as honestly as I can.
I most sincerely hope you find the courage to release all your thoughts to her she's a professional and this is what she does for a living so I don't think anything you're going to tell her is going to surprise her.
but it really all comes down to you sweetheart if you really do want to feel better you need to tell her everything. but I do know what you mean I felt this a little too at first but the way I am it only took a couple minutes before I was spilling my guts to her.
Please do not fall prey to the ancient social taboos that are completely meaningless.  I think you'll find that after a minute or two of opening up it'll flow out of you like water flowing in a river spilling  over a waterfall.
I also believe you will feel much better after releasing this contained information that is very private and sensitive to you. But after you do this you will feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders and will provide your therapist with the correct data so she can form a conclusion.  please trust me on this one it'll work.
love Tatiana

Thank you so much Tatiana! You're support really does mean a lot to me. It's an incredible feeling to know that I have everyone on this website here to help, it really affects my life. I definitely will take your advice on that, and understand where you're coming from! Thanks again,
Love Riles