I feel like whatever I state about myself in regards to gender is a lie

[David1987]

(I don't know if this post has a goal or serves a purpose other than ramble and whine, but sometimes writing things down help and of course, feedback is always appreciated).

Except I can say something along the lines of "I'm a non transitioning transgendered male", everything else seems like being deceptive. Answering "what gender are you?" Is really complicated. It's not complicated because I don't know, hell I know! My gender has always been male. I'm not female, I'm not non-binary. I'm not macho Rambo either and I don't want to be. Neither I try to engage in "super masculine" activities that I don't care about like hunting or car races. I'm just a geeky physician, open minded to weird things, who likes to fix computers and anything that breaks just for fun and with a developing and fluctuating interest in programming and in cosmology.
The gender thing is just an annoyance that doesn't fit with anything else. But maybe I have to do something with it in this life, not for me necessarily but for the world, even if it's small.

Back on topic, if anyone (or even an annonymous survey) asks about my gender, what to reply? What to say that is 100% accurate? I like it when they ask first sex and then gender. But just gender?

If I'm asked just about gender (in a context of filling questionnaires or something similar) I am not sure if you actually want to know about my gender or you are just too shy to ask about my sex and it's an euphemism. If I just answer male, which technically is allright since you are asking about gender, I'll probably be grouped with cis males, possibly skewing the results of the research. I know that it doesn't matter, but it still bothers me.

In general, if I say I'm female just because I have a female body and female hormones, I'm lying, and I feel bad for misrepresenting women. And although for regular people I'm technically telling the truth, they can sense something is not quite right. If I say I'm male, except they know the basics of gender, they will think I'm lying because I don't fit their description or mental image of male. Saying non binary would just be an outward lie to everyone, I'm not that.
I have therefore high neuroticism in answering with the truth or with what I expect that you think the truth is. I also have to think if what you really are asking is gender or sex.

I know that I have to be true to myself and what others think doesn't matter, I know that. However I still twist my brains at the whole "what I think that you think" thing. Gender always ends up giving me a headache (and making me sort of sad actually, the more I read about trans stuff the more dysphoric I get, I stop reading and I feel better). But again, it's something that needs to be thought and addressed.
I don't want to transition because I feel I would be lying to myself. Why do I need to change for others? And anyway, as I said in another thread, others perceive what they want anyway? And changing for myself, is that really going to make me happy? Depending on the day I can look different on the mirror, somedays I look and see my mom, others my brother, on one rare occasion even Brad Pitt (I took a picture and even others agreed, I never thought I could look like that). How we are perceived and how we perceive ourselves is not 100% linked with how we morphologically look, sometimes is how we carry ourselves, how we move our muscles, our gaze. I know that there are emotional changes as well, at this point however, I don't think it'l make me happier (plus I don't want to deal with paperwork and I'm a bad patient, but that's aside).

Now, there's nothing really that I can't do. I'm married to a woman, I'm happy with my role in the couple, I dress however I want. If I make an effort to be myself (that is, if I stop being oblivious to people and try to make friends) I don't think I'm perceived as a woman (although I'm not sure if I'm perceived as a male either, some people say I'm perceived as neither).

I'm not sure anymore where I was going with this, just to take it out of my head for a bit I guess.

[MaryXYX]

If you were AFAB and are now living as something else you come under the definition of transgender.  If you don't identify as really female or really male it does sound like non-binary to me.  What's wrong with being NB?  You can define yourself, as you have, and use that for your own variety of NB.

If someone asks if you are male or female one possible reply would be "I have a partner and I'm not looking for an affair".  The only reason anyone really needs to know about your physical sex, apart from doctors, is if they are thinking of having sex with you.

[KathyLauren]

If asked, just give whatever answer feels the most appropriate to you at the moment.  It doesn't have to be the whole truth, just a truth.

If I'm asked just about gender (in a context of filling questionnaires or something similar) I am not sure if you actually want to know about my gender or you are just too shy to ask about my sex and it's an euphemism. If I just answer male, which technically is allright since you are asking about gender, I'll probably be grouped with cis males, possibly skewing the results of the research. I know that it doesn't matter, but it still bothers me.

The whole point of answering a questionnaire is to skew the results to include your point of view.  You are male, so by giving your views and checking "male", you are giving them true data that they would not otherwise have if everyone went along with the herd.  It is precisely to include that kind of data that organizations do questionnaires in the first place.

[Rachel]

There is a good book you may enjoy and it may open your eyes to who you are. It is called, My Gender Workbook. It is a workbook. Gender is a spectrum and finding where you are and what that means is eye opening.

Life is a journey, free yourself to experiment and question about your gender.

[blackcat]

I hate these questions, too.

Ironically, the number of options on the intake forms at the gender clinic I visited were even worse. 

If I had to pick pink or blue, I would pick... blue glitter. My head exploded when I tried to sign up for Pandora and you literally could. not. open. an. account. without first listing your gender. Like. WHY? Why does that matter?

I always consider the context of the question. Most people asking the question probably don't realize there is a distinction between sex or gender.

Even on medical forms... answering in relation to your assigned at birth sex may not be accurate if you are on HRT, depending on the health services you need. It's a big sloppy mess.

One of the reasons I'm looking forward to passing as male (though I'm definitely a femme guy and not at all Rambo), is because it will simplify some of these conflicting moments for me.

I was in a yoga class the other night, and the teacher was like, "We have an all girl class tonight! Woo hoo!" and kept saying things, "Since it's ONLY WOMEN tonight"...  I decided not to spoil their perceived solidarity.

[Allison S]

If anyone asks and you feel like you do want to explain you could start off by saying "it's complicated" but in your own words.
If they're man or woman or person enough to handle more they'll probably stick around, give you a look or question.
I'm waking up feeling "zen" today but maybe fluidity isn't only in the labels but all the other language we use with people who care.
I'm sorry to say but those who don't care to understand may misgender you. I don't want to generalize but realization helped me cope with a lot of grief lately. I hope it can last.

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[David1987]

If you were AFAB and are now living as something else you come under the definition of transgender.  If you don't identify as really female or really male it does sound like non-binary to me.  What's wrong with being NB?  You can define yourself, as you have, and use that for your own variety of NB.

If someone asks if you are male or female one possible reply would be "I have a partner and I'm not looking for an affair".  The only reason anyone really needs to know about your physical sex, apart from doctors, is if they are thinking of having sex with you.

Thanks. I am not non-binary though, that's just how I'm perceived by others.

If asked, just give whatever answer feels the most appropriate to you at the moment.  It doesn't have to be the whole truth, just a truth.

The whole point of answering a questionnaire is to skew the results to include your point of view.  You are male, so by giving your views and checking "male", you are giving them true data that they would not otherwise have if everyone went along with the herd.  It is precisely to include that kind of data that organizations do questionnaires in the first place.

Maybe. I actually had to create a questionnaire myself for my PhD, the question about gender was open. Sadly pretty much just everyone wrote male/female (or answered with symbols, wtf) and nobody elaborated.

There is a good book you may enjoy and it may open your eyes to who you are. It is called, My Gender Workbook. It is a workbook. Gender is a spectrum and finding where you are and what that means is eye opening.

Life is a journey, free yourself to experiment and question about your gender.

I'll try to find it. I don't really question my gender much though, I identify as a nerdy guy.

I was in a yoga class the other night, and the teacher was like, "We have an all girl class tonight! Woo hoo!" and kept saying things, "Since it's ONLY WOMEN tonight"...  I decided not to spoil their perceived solidarity.

Yeah, I feel bad for those people who perceive me as female. If any man shows any interest in me (which doesn't happen too often) I just can't stop thinking that they have homoerotic tendencies they are not even aware of. However, at the same time, when I'm perceived as male I feel bad because although the other person 'senses' it, they will think that they should not have perceived that and feel embarrased later.

[Kylo]

Frankly I think it's un-quantifiable as a question anyway, if I was to split hairs on the subject. The closest we get to it is an approximation - chromosomes can't really define the whole, genitals can't really define the whole, what you feel can't really define the whole because feelings are ultimately informed by biology... and yet biology can't fully inform one's conscious sense of self.

It's just one of those great unanswerable philosophical questions - like "what am I?". It's like thinking the answer to that question, if it is: "I am a human being", truly represents what we think about ourselves. If it does, it's the grossest generalization ever. Accurate in some aspects, but describes almost nothing of value and detail when talking about the Self.

Now I'm no postmodernist... I'm a biologist, and I dislike the deconstructions of gender we're currently being subjected to, but if there's a question that can't be answered with mathematical precision, it's this one.

[RobynD]

The more I live the more I wish gender was more of an afterthought and in real terms, did not matter in almost all things. This is the egalitarian society that I seek and in some small ways, work for every day of my life. This is not to say that I don't want it to be interesting or important to those that care and those that get wonderful things from their gender, but as a divisive thing, it consumes way too many cycles in society.

I'm a woman before I am anything gender-wise. I don't even use the term trans-woman unless it's necessary to the situation or I am involved in fighting for rights etc. I identify as a woman no matter whether my presentation is feminine or masculine at the time. Some days I choose to be "dudeish" or tomboy because I like that. If someone is confused by that it is not really my problem. I'm not lying, I'm not trying to get away with anything other than being me. In my mind, everyone is what they identify as.

Nobody should be embarrassed about being attracted to anyone. It is only societies latent hangups that cause this to happen. Thanks for your thought-provoking post.

[Dena]

There are 4 questions you need to ask yourself.
1. Am I always comfortable with my current gender?
2. Am I always uncomfortable with my current gender?
3. Am I sometimes comfortable with my current gender?
4. Is gender not important to me?

A yes to #3 or #4 suggest non binary. A yes to #2 suggest transsexual and a yes to #1 suggest CIS. While sometimes the non binary can be described with a label that fits, far to often the non binary is best described as gender confusion. In the end it really doesn't matter what label you apply as long as your able to redefine your life in a way you find comfortable.

What you might want to try is in an ideal world where your free to change what ever you want in you life, what changes would you make? Would you prefer a full feminine appearance, a full masculine appearance or pick and choose.

[EveVT]

Thank you!
I'm not alone, and neither are you. I also feel like an imposter whatever I'd say about my gender. While I still present as my birth sex, I continue to play the game even though I know deep down who I really am.

I still feel like I'm lying if I say I'm a girl, and I guess to me it has to fit the body to be true, so...

Funny fact: when I first realized who I were, I found it amusing to be the only one to know about the masquerade. I could feel something like an overlay body, with my real face, real eyes, and everything seemed new, more colourful. I bet that is the total opposite of dysphoria, which happened when I got back to perceiving my actual body.

So, yeah, I am simply transgender in the largest meaning of the word, or I guess nonbinary, and will stay so until there is a change to my status.

Thank you again, it feels nice knowing that I'm not alone.

-Eve