Feeling more trapped then ever

[AprilJeane]

Hello everyone,
       I am just writing to find out who else has ever felt like this and what they did overcome it. Right now I feel more trapped then in ever in a life and body I don't want. I thought about how I was going to write this for a long time and now that I am actually writing this I'm struggling to find the right words.
   I have known since I was 10 that I was not in the right body but I didn't fully understand it until several years later what that feeling actually meant. However, as a boy I out others opinions and views of me before my own views of myself. I don't recommend living your life like that it is a very hard way to live.
   A couple of months ago I came out to my wife and I have been seeing an amazing therapist. She recommended I do small things and make small changes that will make me happy and also I give myself a name. I chose April, my birth month. However, although these things have helped they also intensified my desire to escape this male version of me. This internal conflict is greater than ever. The current version of me has a very successful career, a loving family, and has built a very good life that has impressed his family and friends. But of course he has lived his life trying to impress others and to live up to others expectations. He is terrified of losing everything he has worked so hard to achieve and the possibility of losing his family.
   Here is the catch, he wants April to win this internal battle and he wants to be happy, but he won't let that happen out of fear. This has caused me to scream out more than ever out of frustration of being trapped. This has lead to very bad bouts of depression and sleepless nights. I'm starting to feel hope is lost and that I will forever be trapped.
   I'm hoping others have gone through something like this and provide some advice.

Thank you

[Katie Jade]

Hi April
Im Katie -  56 and starting transitioning. I do feel for you as I have always had issues with my life and I am sorting them out - Many question me but almost all are helping me as they are starting to realise the level of internal issues we have. I do feel for you. I am still not fully out at work, wife is now best friend as compared to spouse, (we are still friends and realise we have moved a bit apart fut will still help where we can..) and she has her freedom and is revelling in it. Sons  (20 and 17y old Adonises..) are mainly accepting but will ne OK -Parents still love me but need time to get used t s Daughter,,

starting to get a clear to the Women's movements and such

Gn again,,

[Northern Star Girl]

@AprilJeane
Hello April,  I am not trying to hijack your very first posting here....
... but first things first,  since your are brand new here I am going to give you a warm welcome.. 
Thank you for coming to the Forums.  Please also allow me to give you my warm Welcome.

I am glad that you have taken the step to become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your  thoughts with other members that may read your posting.
I am thinking that you may lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
 
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with what you may be going through.

WELCOME you to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 

Below I have included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, there are answers to many questions that new members ask... .... please read them over..
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@AprilJeane
Oh, and another thing April  ... to let more members here on the Forums know of your arrival and therefore you will receive more involvement in sharing information of interest with you ...
...and other like-minded  members reading it will be more apt to share their thoughts with you.

If you would, please go to the  Introductions Forum  to tell the members about yourself!  You should include a summary of the key information that you wrote in your first posting here.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place,
Danielle

[cluck1992]

April, I also am in the same situation.... Fear of losing family holds me back a lot. If I could know that my wife and kids would still be by my side, I'd already be pursuing hormones and trying to live full time, heck even part time. I can't give advice, but know you're definitely not alone, especially here.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk

[KathyLauren]

Hi, April, and welcome!

That is a very familiar place you are in.  I think most of us have been there at one time or another.  Many still are.

I think of it as a kind of prison.  You have been in it all your life, and you know it well.  As long as your cell had no windows, you were content to stay there.  After all, it was safe there.  But you have hammered a little chink to the outside, and you have peeked out.  And it looks nice out there.

So now you want out.  But enlarging that little hole will be a lot of work, and you might get hurt if the whole wall comes down.  So you tell yourself that it isn't so bad inside.  You get three meals a day, and visitors every Sunday.  But now you know about outside.

Only you have the key to your prison.  Or maybe it's a hammer and chisel.  But this escape is yours.  You can do it.

You are not alone.  We will all be cheering for you.  We might even smuggle tools in for you. 

[MeTony]

Hello and welcome April.
My story is not a straight path from start to end. I felt as a child I was born in the wrong body but did not realize this until my teens when things started growing way wrong.

I realized I'm a freak of nature and tried so hard to be a woman. Succeeded that until I was 28 and my world collapsed. I became depressed and suicidal because I had a family that I had been fooling from start. I had a great position at work. But I realized something while staring in the deep bottomless pit of despair, nothing of this matters if I am dead. Why would these things matter if I was alive? I decided to be myself. To become myself. I crawled out of depression and became more and more myself. In October I told my husband since 20 years. That was the hardest thing to do. He feels tricked. I knew he would. That's why it took so long to tell him. But I feel strong now. I know who I am.

When it is time to tell someone, you will know and feel it. When you can't hold it in anymore and you can't deny yourself. Then you know.

I felt like being in prison too. I'm almost completely out of my cell. Will be before this year ends.


Tony

[Donica]

Hi April!
I think Kathy said it best as did MeTony. The depression can be so deep and harmful that eventually may cause work and family life to suffer. The way I dealt with it was by dressing in front of my own family, years before I ever came out to everyone. I didn't tell them I was TS. This helped a little but I was still living the lie and I was still very depressed. This may have had something to do with my health failing years later. I did finally lose everything because of my health.

One thing good did come out of dressing in front of my family, I have a good relationship with my now ex-wife and my kids were already onboard with me when I came out. Much to me surprise, the rest of my family, friends and even work were onboard and supportive as well.

So, even though things may seem to be closing in on you and you feel even more trapped, there very well may just be a silver lining in this dark cloud and you may fine that you didn't have to worry at all. Coming out to everyone and beginning my transitioning was truly the happiest moment in my live. All that baggage is now water under the bridge.

It is your life, your health and your families health and only you can make the decision. I hope this helps. Good luck!

[AprilJeane]

Thank you everyone for the supportive words. It's just amazing to me hope much others others stories are just like my own. I do not feel nearly alone as I did before.  Thank you all.