Why do I stay, why can't I go? I am what I am.

[Cindy]

It was 14 July 2014 when I got a phone call from Susan that Nero had died and could I take over as Admin.
I loved Nero as a friend, a colleague, a failed human, a lovely person and one of the wisest men I have knew.
He helped me in my despair.
I failed him.
We all failed him in his fight; even if this is the first time you have heard of him.

He was a transman, a strong man, flawed and broken, brave beyond strength and loving with tears of hurt. He was as weak as human and didn't care who knew it.
He was wise and foolish.
He had wounds, raw and bleeding. Mistakes abounded and frustration was clear. He hurt his friends and he rejected help. He caused rifts and pain.
My god he was a man.
I loved him

He was an artist and I have his painting hanging in my room in pride of place. "I am what I am". It was given to me by his Mum who loves her son so much.

Tears fall.

I've been thinking of leaving.

Why?

I'm actually not sure. Frustration? Boredom?
Pain.
Getting ready to die?
My inadequacies.

Or is it overload.

Sue sent me a reminder today of a 'Thank You' post that I made many years ago when I was a younger, less damaged girl.

This is a sentence from it.

This site is about being human. This site is about acceptance. This site is about help and love.


Those concepts are those that are ingrained in me.
That is what drives me.

I was thinking of leaving, although of course I cannot.

This is my family. My pain. My frustration.
My comfort and my love.

Tonight I've been looking at my picture and remembering my friend.

I am what I am.

[Jessica]

This site is about being human. This site is about acceptance. This site is about help and love

This is why we all are here!

Life moves forward, knowing that an end will come.  We do what we do, because we are what we are.

Thank you Cindy for your devotion and continued support to this site and members!

Hugs and smiles, Jess

[Northern Star Girl]

@Cindy   @Jessica
Oh my, I just read this and now I can't stop the tears...   ....drat! ...   I just ran out of tissues!!!! 

You are both very correct with the thoughts that you expressed but while the "end" is obviously inevitable we as humans have an ingrained survival instinct that takes over in even very desperate situations.     
This is certainly a place where many of us can be with our "new" family and like minded friends.   

Life is fleeting, like a vapor as the Bible says.
"You do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away" (James 4:14).

Living knowing that your life is a vapor is different than just living.

The excerpt from the heartfelt note that @Susan had sent to Cindy is forever relevant.
"This site is about being human. This site is about acceptance. This site is about help and love."

Thank you Cindy for all that you do... you are in my thoughts many times during the day and certainly every time I log in.
Keep on keeping on.

Love, Hugs, and well wishes as always,
Danielle

[kaitylynn]

Hey Cindy, we have never chatted or anything, but I have read your posts and replies over the past few years and your humanity has quietly helped me work through things in my own life.  Thank you for being you, for gifting your energy and time for us here!  You are precious to us!

<3

[HappyMoni]

Cindy,
He lives in your memory. In that sense, he is still alive. When it comes down to it, it is all any of us can ask for. We are not ready for that to be true of you. You sent me a hello message the other day. We  have never had much direct dialog, you and I, but it made me feel very good. You still have some magic to give to us here, Hon! Hopefully we have some for you too!
Monica

[Laurie]

Hi Cindy,

  I read your post and continued to read it with apprehension. It is truly sad that Nero is no longer here. I did not know him but I know he played a bit part in this site's forum just as you do now. There are so many here that do not know the part you play in running these forums or your own personal trials you live with. I'd venture to say few know the toll this life has made you pay. I know that I do not know all of it but I do have some insight into it. I think I understand some of it too. I know what you deal with is not easy. I know because as you know I have to deal with some of it too.
  I think you are Awesome Cindy. Just as I am sure you thought Nero was awesome. I do not know how many countless sisters and brothers Nero and yourself have helped. I know you have helped me. I have no idea how many people you have tried to help that were so troubled that they gave up and are no longer with us. Each have taken a toll on you. How you have managed to stay with us here for so long I do not know. But you must be tired. I'd like to think that you stay because of all the success you have had helping people like myself who may not have been here today without your help and the help of others here. Am I one of your successes? For now I think so. Will I be a lost one? Maybe, I don't know. But for now I am happy and though I get angry and it affect my participation on the site, I am still here like you trying to help others just as your are. Again Cindy You Are Awesome! I thank you for being here, for me, for all of us in the forums, and for the site itself. If you weren't here as the forum administrator and friend, I doubt I would be either.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[MeTony]

Hi Cindy.

I did not know Nero. But I do know that remembering old friends can still hurt. Even when the sorrow has subsided.

Remember him when he was the strongest and the weakest. Having both sides make us human. And he was a human, just like you, and me. We are also strong and weak. The key is us all. Us all together. You are never alone here, the battle is very hard to do without team play on your own.



Tony

[Rachel]

Nero, never a dull moment. He certainly made for some lively late night discussion. I miss him and the life he brought to the site.

We are all flawed in some way and provide some great insight and value too.

Cindy, I remember your transition and the stories, the tenacity and the triumph. Why do you stay, because you are family and we need you.

[JudiBlueEyes]

Cindy, thank you for still being here after all you've gone through.  I too have read your posts and have seen love, compassion, caring, strength and determination.  Most of all I see Cindy.

Thank you for the remembrance of your friend.
Judi

[Paige]

Hi Cindy,

I remember Nero when I first started at Susans.   I didn't know him very well, but I do remember he was very kind and funny.  It's a shame our transgender lives are so difficult to live.

Cindy when I read that line "I've been thinking of leaving." my heart sank.  I'm so glad you're not leaving us.  You have been a great inspiration with your understanding and reasoned approach.  You don't know this but you got me through some hard times.  We had a few private messages exchanged, and you know what always struck me?  It struck me that you are one of the most sane people on this planet.  Keep being you

You are a true gift to us here at Susans and to the world as well.

Lots of love,
Paige

[JB_Girl]

Hello Cindy,

It has been quite a while since Nero died.  I spoke to him about alcoholism a few times before the end but he could not make the leap of faith to sobriety.  I always have regretted, that for many of us the burden becomes insurmountable and death a welcome relief.  It nearly was for me once upon a time and I had to rage and struggle to find transcendence. Your journey through cancer to remission and back again is one of power.

It is power that keeps you here and makes your service transformative to so many. I'm guessing that you are still "down under."  I hope that the winter chill does not trouble you too much, and I thank you for the immense service that you have so freely given.  I rarely visit here any more, but when I do drop by, the wisdom that you share is profound and loving.

Thank You Now And Always,

Julie 

[Bari Jo]

Eef, Cindy, loss is always awful.  I remember reading his posts too.  It does come as a bit of a shock.  Working through issues here has always been such great positive therapy.  Please if anyone has an issue where you are turning to alcohol or drugs, please nip that first. I know this ride is rough, but we are all here to help.  Cindy I want you here, don't you dare leave.  Sorry that sounded commanding, I will just miss you horribly if you leave.

Bari Jo

[Sephirah]

It was 14 July 2014 when I got a phone call from Susan that Nero had died and could I take over as Admin.
I loved Nero as a friend, a colleague, a failed human, a lovely person and one of the wisest men I have knew.
He helped me in my despair.
I failed him.
We all failed him in his fight; even if this is the first time you have heard of him.

He was a transman, a strong man, flawed and broken, brave beyond strength and loving with tears of hurt. He was as weak as human and didn't care who knew it.
He was wise and foolish.
He had wounds, raw and bleeding. Mistakes abounded and frustration was clear. He hurt his friends and he rejected help. He caused rifts and pain.
My god he was a man.
I loved him

He was an artist and I have his painting hanging in my room in pride of place. "I am what I am". It was given to me by his Mum who loves her son so much.

Tears fall.

I've been thinking of leaving.

Why?

I'm actually not sure. Frustration? Boredom?
Pain.
Getting ready to die?
My inadequacies.

Or is it overload.

Sue sent me a reminder today of a 'Thank You' post that I made many years ago when I was a younger, less damaged girl.

This is a sentence from it.

This site is about being human. This site is about acceptance. This site is about help and love.


Those concepts are those that are ingrained in me.
That is what drives me.

I was thinking of leaving, although of course I cannot.

This is my family. My pain. My frustration.
My comfort and my love.

Tonight I've been looking at my picture and remembering my friend.

I am what I am.

Cindy, this is tough for me to write. You more than most can probably appreciate why, and when I say what I'm about to say... it comes from a place that's taken a lot to be able to access.

I remember that day. I didn't think it was real. It was one of those days that you hear something and think you're in the middle of a bad dream. I remember everything that followed. The feelings... feelings that linger even now. Things I don't want to talk about. Things I try not to even think about. That time was one of the most emotional for me in my whole life. Nero was my brother. One of the most... amazing, if troubled people I have ever met.

You didn't fail him, sweetie. You haven't failed anyone. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. No one could have stopped what happened. We couldn't make it okay. We did everything we could. You were there for him. His friends were there for him. It just happened, okay? It wasn't your fault. Don't beat yourself up over it. He wouldn't want that.

And what happened after that... you know how I feel. We've spoken privately about it. But I'll re-iterate here because I think it needs saying again. He would be proud of you, Cindy. I am proud of you. Rather than fail anyone... what you've done here is a credit to you, and the people around you. It's who you are. It's what you're here for, okay?

When I came back here, you told me something that's stuck with me. You said to me: "They need you more than you need you." And you apologised for saying it. But you were right. You've never been more right. The same is true of you. We have a lot in common, sweetie. I've known you a long, loooooong time. I think I have a pretty good grasp of the kind of person you are, and what drives you.

This drives you.

Making sure people have a safe space to express themselves. Making sure people can feel at ease with themselves. Helping those find their way who are lost. Cindy this is who you are. It's who you have been as long as I've known you.

I know how much it can wear you down sometimes. How emotionally overloading it can be. I've been there on multiple occasions. But what you're doing... the point of it all... it's worth it. Nero knew it. And I think deep down you know it.

They need you more than you need you.

*extra big hug*

Lauren.

[Sno]

@Cindy.

You are.

And as a part of this broad family, you have to make the decision that is right for you.
If you need to go live your life, that is ok.
If you need to spend some time looking after you, then that is ok, let us lend a hand.
If you need the support of friends and family, then include us on your list.

You are the humanist human bean that ever has been.

With love (hugs)

Rowan