I thought it had gone (adult content mentioned)

[gwencook]

Hey all,
So its been a long while since I've even ventured onto this site but I just don't understand what's going on inside my head. I felt like everything had gone and I truly believed that my dysphoria had been due to the many years of sexual abuse I received from my stepfather. So what's happened to change my mind and get me in such a state? Well here it goes:
About the second week in June I was on tinder and me and a girl, who for the purpose of this text shall be named Amy, matched. Within half an hour Amy was sending me sexual messages and pictures and wanted to meet up. So I debated whether or not to meet her or not and in the end I chose not to explaining to myself and others that it was because I wanted to have my first time with someone special. The thing is though all throughout our brief conversations I wanted nothing more then to use my anatomy for sex. There was no female thoughts at all and just purely raw sexual thoughts. So because I had no female thoughts and wanted so badly to actually have sex for once I believed the whole dysphoria was just a psychological scar from years of abuse.
I was so sure that everything had changed and I no longer carried on thinking I was female that I told my mom that I was wrong and that it was just a scar from everything I suffered. But now I'm not so sure.
The desire to become female and start hrt are coming back. When I go onto a sex chat room I'm ways presenting as female and when I do try and present as male it doesn't seem right.
I recently went on holiday and my mom asked me to bag up my female things and give throw them. I came up with an excuse then that I would donate them to charity but so far have been massively unable to donate them or even move them from the landing. My mind is pushing me to open the bag and taken the clothes out and put them on but for some reasoning I'm so scared of doing so. I went into my moms room just fully intending to try some clothes on and when I put a dress next to me to admire it in broke into tears.
So if I have all these thoughts why is it that when a girl shows the slightest bit of attention it goes away. Maybe its because I feel like being female will help me find love? Maybe my dysphoria is actually just due to the years of abuse I suffered? Maybe its something else entirely. I really don't know.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Much love xox

[Paige]

Hey all,
So its been a long while since I've even ventured onto this site but I just don't understand what's going on inside my head. I felt like everything had gone and I truly believed that my dysphoria had been due to the many years of sexual abuse I received from my stepfather. So what's happened to change my mind and get me in such a state? Well here it goes:
About the second week in June I was on tinder and me and a girl, who for the purpose of this text shall be named Amy, matched. Within half an hour Amy was sending me sexual messages and pictures and wanted to meet up. So I debated whether or not to meet her or not and in the end I chose not to explaining to myself and others that it was because I wanted to have my first time with someone special. The thing is though all throughout our brief conversations I wanted nothing more then to use my anatomy for sex. There was no female thoughts at all and just purely raw sexual thoughts. So because I had no female thoughts and wanted so badly to actually have sex for once I believed the whole dysphoria was just a psychological scar from years of abuse.
I was so sure that everything had changed and I no longer carried on thinking I was female that I told my mom that I was wrong and that it was just a scar from everything I suffered. But now I'm not so sure.
The desire to become female and start hrt are coming back. When I go onto a sex chat room I'm ways presenting as female and when I do try and present as male it doesn't seem right.
I recently went on holiday and my mom asked me to bag up my female things and give throw them. I came up with an excuse then that I would donate them to charity but so far have been massively unable to donate them or even move them from the landing. My mind is pushing me to open the bag and taken the clothes out and put them on but for some reasoning I'm so scared of doing so. I went into my moms room just fully intending to try some clothes on and when I put a dress next to me to admire it in broke into tears.
So if I have all these thoughts why is it that when a girl shows the slightest bit of attention it goes away. Maybe its because I feel like being female will help me find love? Maybe my dysphoria is actually just due to the years of abuse I suffered? Maybe its something else entirely. I really don't know.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Much love xox

Hi Gwencook,

I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles.  Have you talked to a gender therapist about this?

Take care,
Paige

[gwencook]

Hey,
I talked to a talking therapist about it but at the time came to the conclusion it was a psychological scar and since I'm going to live abroad in a few weeks the therapy has ended xox

[Northern Star Girl]

@gwencook   Thank you for trusting all of us and posting and sharing your recent issues.
Do know that you are not alone with your feelings, doubts, and questions about your own sexuality... and for many, those feelings can change and flip sometimes often.

My first question is.... Are you presently seeing a Gender Therapist or any kind of Therapist at this point in you transition decision process?   I know that you stated that you had seen a therapist in the past.
If not, I would recommend that you get an appointment as soon as possible.  Your doctor should be able to make recommendations to you.

So, Gwencook, hang in there, stay strong and please get an appointment right away for some helpful therapy.
I will be looking for your follow up posts and please know that all us on the Forums are supporting you and rooting for you.

Hugs, and well wishes,
Danielle

[Virginia]

I truly believed that my dysphoria had been due to the many years of sexual abuse I received from my stepfather...I talked to a talking therapist about it but at the time came to the conclusion it was a psychological scar

You are not alone. Many cisgender men experience a need to dress as women, gender confusion, sexual confusion, and/or dysphoria about their genitals as a result of childhood sexual trauma. There is an excellent discussion group on the Male Survivor website at: http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=cfrm


I am a survivor of childhood sexual and psychological abuse who developed Dissociative Identity/Multiple Personality Disorder. One of the 6 alters in my System is a girl. Her need to express herself was so strong I was misdiagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and  encouraged to transition to living as a woman until the time/memory loss and flashbacks and night terrors began, and I was referred for trauma recovery therapy.You can read more in my post, "Childhood Trauma Survivor Misdiagnosed as Transsexual with Gender Dysphoria" at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176195.msg1548804.html#msg1548804

[gwencook]

Hey,
Thanks for your response
As mentioned I wouldn't be able to currently due to moving abroad a week Sunday so wouldn't have time or money
Also, in relation to the abuse I didn't go into it very much sorry. I was abused from 2012 to 5 Nov 2017 so from the ages of 18 to 23 and I had some dysphoria throughout my childhood and teen years before the abuse started. But I will defo give your post a read thank you
Thank you for your support xox

[Lady Sarah]

It looks like perhaps your abuser may have seen the female in you, and abused you for that reason. It may have been to attempt you to forget all about your female side. Some people are just that twisted.

Will living abroad give you more opportunity to explore this, even if just in your mind? Getting away from familiar surroundings can go a long way with this. I wish you all the best.

[gwencook]

Well the abuser always wanted me to have my hair cut as a buzz cut, I wasn't allowed to read as it was seen as girly, had to sit in complete silence and would often make comments when carrying out his sexual abuse like "oh must be something wrong if your not enjoying  this. Can't be a real man" to which he would then punch and argue until I pretended to enjoy it.
There's a high chance of being as to mentally contemplate it but the problem is I'd soon be running around in circles and probably causing my head more harm then good.
Much love xox

[Bari Jo]

I would agree that bullies and abusers seem to know what to exploit in their victims.  I've only had minor abuse myself, but as it was gender affirming and was closeted at the time, it has stuck with me forever.  I know it's not something you want to hear, but seeking help with a gender affirming psychologist is the best route.  It's possible to work all this out on your own, but I guarantee it'll be more painful and take longer.  I did it on my own and it took decades to work through.  Anyway, good luck.  We will help of course, also.

Bari Jo

[gwencook]

Thanks for the response, ive been starting to consider seeking a gender therapist while I'm away for the 12 months and getting some professional help. I'm really struggling trying to get to grips with everything.

[gwencook]

So after posting this original thread I have just tried on a bra and in breaking down with how right it feels.
So if this is feeling so right why is my mind still confused and wanted to actually have sex with a girl not so long ago with my anatomy and forget the whole dysphoria? 😭😭😭

[Bari Jo]

I can only answer based on my own experience.  This feeling of being 'right', is something that makes me emotional also.  I get it with almost every added step I take during my transition.  As for sex itself, this is a separate issue.  I've had sex with women and enjoyed it, although I've always felt I've been cheating on myself.  I've had sex with men, and it filled the hole I didn't know I had.  I've never had a boyfriend, but after coming out I now crave one.

Bari Jo

[gwencook]

So even if i wanted to have sex with a woman then that wouldn't instantly mean I'm not trans gender??

[Bari Jo]

So even if i wanted to have sex with a woman then that wouldn't instantly mean I'm not trans gender??

No, who and what you are attracted to is completely different than what gender you are inside.  You can be trans and like men, be trans and like women.  There's a lot for you to think about.

Bari Jo

[gwencook]

I'm really sorry but I meant to put have sex with women using my anatomy rather the just sex with women

[Janes Groove]

So I debated whether or not to meet her

You sound pretty young.  One word of advice:  If you do date girls go ahead and tell them about your gender nonconforming issues up front.   Don't EVER hide this from a cisgender partner and think you can keep it a secret from her, or maybe she will change you and you won't have these thoughts and feelings anymore, or that the other person makes you so happy that you will be able to keep it under wraps.  That's not how it works.  It NEVER goes away and you may ending hurting the other person or digging a hole for yourself that  you will have a hard time getting out of.

[Bari Jo]

I'm really sorry but I meant to put have sex with women using my anatomy rather the just sex with women

Not all trans women are getting rid of their male genitals.  Some are keeping them, and keeping them functional.  I will probably keep mine, but could care less if they are functional.  Again, thus is a separate issue.

Bari Jo

[gwencook]

Haha I'm still young in comparison only just reaching 24. But to be honest there's no way it would have ended up as dating it was just pure sex with nothing attached. She was the one who pushes initially and started going farrrr into it. I'll be honest that sort of what my plan was. I was hoping that I'd fly abroad for 12 months meet a nice girl and be able  to feel loved and no longer feel like I'm missing a part of me and then that I hoped that would be enough to keep it under control. I honestly believed that if I find love this would go away but then maybe I'm just being an idiot
Ah, so to be fair there's actually a lot to think about rather then just deciding to go the full way without proper thinking. To be fair my therapist did pick up that I have the all or nothing approach to life and for me if I were to transition I'd instantly think I'd have to go all the way with all the surgeries

[KathyLauren]

So even if i wanted to have sex with a woman then that wouldn't instantly mean I'm not trans gender??

Absolutely not!

I am not an expert, but you certainly sound like a normal transgender woman to me.  Gender dysphoria is not caused by abuse.  On the contrary, as someone mentioned above, abusers sometimes pick up on our feminine characteristics and target us.  It happened to me.  You say you had feminine feelings before the abuse started, so it is not caused by the abuse.

Though you are most likely a (trans) woman, you still have a male body and male hormones.  Male hormones are not too bright: you start thinking about women and they make your parts go go "Ten-hut!  Reporting for duty!"  Your brain, too is influenced by hormones, and starts to have the thoughts that go along with the physical reaction.

Certainly, I have experienced this, and I am full binary MTF.  Perhaps you are like me, or perhaps you are non-binary.    None of it means that you are not trans.  It just means that you haven't yet started HRT.

Given your confusion about this, I don't think it is a good idea to go a year without therapy. 

[gwencook]

Thanks for the response. You are right, the feelings came before way before the abuse started and even went as far as stopping me from going to prom as I wanted to go in a dress Rather then a suit. And it was the same at Christmas as there was a work do and I didn't attend as I knew that if I couldn't go in a dress then I would hate it.
Ah OK, while being reassuring it does add more depth to my thoughts and I'm so glad I'm not alone.
I was looking up information for my new location and gender therapist but there seems to be limited resources