Scared to come out

[Danielle Kristina]

I'm scared to come out to anyone, but at the same time in any to come out to someone.  I have a friend who is transgender and once I almost came out to her, but because of fear I couldn't do it.  I couldn't even come out transgender to someone who is transgender themselves!  Maybe I'm just not ready.  Still, I want a friend - an ally - someone who can show me the ropes and I can confide in during my transition. 

Soon I'll begin HRT and once that takes effect I'll have to come out, since the changes will eventually be very noticeable.  I know it takes time for HRT to take obvious effect, but still there's so much I don't know how to do, like put on makeup, shop for outfits in public without fear, or how to style my hair.  There's so much about being a woman I don't know!  My therapist, as well as others, have told me that as a trans woman I've been a woman my whole life, yet being male is all I know.  I just can't get past the fear.  How do you stop letting this fear rule your life?


Danielle

[DawnOday]

I don't know where you live but if you have access to Seattle, Aug 9, 10, 11 There will be seventeen hundred other people, just like you. It's where I first went out in public last year. It was great  The conference itself has a large juvenile program, a medical program and a professional program where you can meet with the surgeons for FFS and Gender surgery. There is one in Los Angeles that has already occured. But keep your eye out as it should be in June.  Hopefully one day people will open their hearts.

[KathyLauren]

I know it is hard to do, hun, but the only way through fear is forward.  Consider the risks.  Consider also that your assessment of the risks is probably pessimistic.  And then just do it.

Believe me, I know just how hard it is.  From the time I decided I had to come out to my wife until I actually did it was six months.  That's how long it took me to get up the nerve.  The risk, of course, was that she might divorce me if she didn't accept my transition.  And ultimately, I decided that, if that happened, I would accept it.  I had spent 60 years trying to be someone I was not, and I needed to be myself.

But then I still had to actually open my mouth and say the words.  At least 100 times, I tried, but the words just wouldn't come out.  My mantra became "Gotta do it!"  Ultimately, it comes down to one moment: parachute or no, you have to jump.

I did it.  The world didn't end, nor did my marriage.

We can give you all kinds of advice and support.  We are happy to give it, and you can have as much or as little as you wish.  But that first step is one you have to take on your own.  We will be right behind you to catch you if you fall or congratulate you if you succeed.

[steph2.0]

Beautifully said, Kathy, and every word true.

Danielle, never forget that your friend knows exactly what you're going through and how it feels. She has been there and walked through that fire. Do you see happiness in her eyes? That's what you have to look forward to.

She is the perfect person to be the first to tell. I predict warm hugs and happy tears.

Good luck, hon. You can do it.


Stephanie

[Colleen_definitely]

It sure is scary.  I mean really scary.  Unbelievably scary even.

But it's worth it.

Having a trans friend is a huge help.  She has been there and done that, and is definitely going to be the lowest risk person to come out to.  She'll probably be a great resource for advice as well.

Once you get your first outing out of the way, the rest get easier.

[LexieDragon]

I a honestly in a similar place. Hang in there.

[Ashley3]

...How do you stop letting this fear rule your life? ...

I can't add much to the above ...

Everyone who experiments with transition generally experiences some level of fear. Some cannot even post a message on a forum as you have. The fact that you're out here and about to start HRT means you've overcome fear to connect with some folks... those are huge steps.

So I think it's just what you're already doing... don't be too hard on yourself, and try to find wise and safe courage (courage can sometimes be an unwise and not good thing), and take the steps you feel ready to take.

One example from my experience, I had not worn a skirt out in the area where I live. I had all of this inner dialogue about the relatively conservative nature of the area etc. etc. The time I first went on errands with a skirt on was such a huge deal... a big big deal, no exaggeration. Now I just walk down to the market or whatever without thinking much about it. My inner concerns about the area were largely my own dialogue... the area may be relatively conservative but I've seen that doesn't hinder good folks who are supportive.

Slowly over time as I reconcile my old self with the new self (which are both the same but the latter is more relaxed and allowing healthy freedom), I start to truly not think about those small things... it fluctuates but is overall something that gets better and better.

There are no rules about what you have to do. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. Just use wisdom and take good healthy steps... which includes letting yourself backtrack as you desire, or remain at a certain point for as long as you feel... you don't have to prove anything to anyone... your journey is yours alone. You don't have to let others or stereotypes control you (and, that said, there's nothing wrong or bad about stereotypes you feel resonate with your life).

Best of luck with all your steps in whatever direction!

[Ashley3]

I don't know where you live but if you have access to Seattle, Aug 9, 10, 11 There will be seventeen hundred other people, just like you. It's where I first went out in public last year. It was great ...

I believe you're referring to Gender Odyssey... yes, I went in 2014, it was a good step... oh how things have changed since then... I as so frightened to go there in the dress I was wearing but I really wanted to go too... I went. Definitely a growth experience. I got to meet other conference attendees as well as some of the doctors who show up there... I was pre-rhino then... oh did I need work!   ...so I was shopping doctors, asking questions. Picked up some earrings...  wasn't pierced then (can't imagine that now) so they converted them to clip-ons. LoL.

That conf is a safe place for those in early stages or any point really. Very supportive folks. (http://www.genderodyssey.org/)

[Coffeedrew]

I want to say this: I am going through telling people.I feel like this I want all the important people I know to know.I was told I do not have to say anything.I cannot just lie to people more than I have already have keeping my feelings to my self.I really live by be the change you wish to see in the world.One of the most important things I can tell anyone is print out 10-20 quotes get some cheap push pins and put those inspirational quotes on the wall and read them everyday.When your sick of them read those quotes when your upset read those quotes just keep reading those quotes when life knocks you down read those quotes and one day you wake up and you live by them without thinking about it.I have two quotes I will share:I want to inspire people.I want someone to look at me and say "Because of you I didn't give up" the next one is from George Paton Jr: A good plan executed today is better than a perfect plan executed at some indefinite point in the future.I read your post and I listened and my advice is do not be afraid.I think you should start with the closest and most understanding person that you know.I really think admiting you need to do something is a great first start now just make a date and do it.You got this. 

[HappyMoni]

I think the first step is to make a decision. You have to decide if transitioning is what you want and need to do. If you decide that this is what you must do, the only direction is to move forward, one step at a time. In making the decision to transition you also make a decision to let go of your old, safe life. Fear will tell you to preserve that old you, but you made a decision to let that go. You have to break into starting  that new life. If you have a trans friend, it is the perfect way to break the ice. I was terrified telling my first person, my doctor. By the time I was done telling people, I actually enjoyed the telling. Danielle, there is no way around this. You will have to do things while you are afraid. That is how it goes, fear goes with you. It is your companion. You won't get what you want if you allow it to be your master. If you think you should wait until the fear might be less, you are fooling yourself. All you will do is create anxiety over not doing what you want to do. After you start, you will soon be amazed at how great it is to have the weight of the secret off your back. You will be amazed at what you are capable of. I might suggest reading a book or two on how to deal with fear. It helped me.
Moni

[SallyChoasAura]

Yeah I'm scared to come out as maybe genderfluid to anyone especially my own family because I know they won't except me...

[Danielle Kristina]

Yeah I'm scared to come out as maybe genderfluid to anyone especially my own family because I know they won't except me...

I know the feeling.  I have a transgender sister that was not warmly embraced when she came out.  I still hear the negative comments and ignorance and transphobia from family.  They don't know I'm trans yet, and after seeing what my sister went through I'm not sure how I can subject myself to the same belittlement from the very people I love.  Don't get me wrong, she's still loved by the family, but they don't care much for her being trans.

[KatieP]

I believe you're referring to Gender Odyssey... yes, I went in 2014, it was a good step... oh how things have changed since then... I as so frightened to go there in the dress I was wearing but I really wanted to go too... I went. Definitely a growth experience. I got to meet other conference attendees as well as some of the doctors who show up there... I was pre-rhino then... oh did I need work!   ...so I was shopping doctors, asking questions. Picked up some earrings...  wasn't pierced then (can't imagine that now) so they converted them to clip-ons. LoL.

That conf is a safe place for those in early stages or any point really. Very supportive folks. (http://www.genderodyssey.org/)

So, let's pretend that one has never been to GenderOdyssey before. Let's further pretend that one wanted to go to the Seattle event. Given the 3 Programs, Professional, Family, and Medical, which one does one attend if one is, hypothetically speaking, done with surgeries (or non-surgical), is not a professional in the field, and is dealing with themselves not one of their kids?

Thanks!!

Kate

[DawnOday]

Ashely3...Thanks for sharing. Katie P Is peaved but hey.

[Ashley3]

... Given the 3 Programs, Professional, Family, and Medical, which one does one attend if one is ... done with surgeries (or non-surgical), is not a professional in the field, and is dealing with themselves not one of their kids? ...

Great question... I thought I was going to be smart and paste a link that directly answers that question but I sort of couldn't find the definitive answer myself. This led me to ask the conference organizers for clarification... I'll report back if I hear anything.

I believe they could add a couple of FAQ entries such as...

• I don't fit any of the tracks, but I'd like to attend sessions piecemeal, picking-and-choosing what looks interesting. Is there a way for me to attend? Answer: ...
• I don't wish to attend any sessions but I'd like to see the vendor exhibits and socialize a little, is there a way for me to attend? Answer: ...
• Do I need to register for a track to attend the events? Answer: ...

etc.

Until I get a reply back, here is my best guess based on scouring the info...

It's unclear whether vendor exhibits are available to non-paying attendees, but I vaguely recall vendors being out front (where you pay to register) in 2014... not sure if that's a good recollection or if it's the way they do it now.

I'm guessing the method to attend for an adult without a Professional/Medical/Family need (where those tracks don't directly resonate) would be to register for the Professional Track and then view everything on the Professional Track web page to pick-and-choose what you want to see. (If I see things correctly, it appears the Professional Track URL just referenced is a page with everything for all tracks... or so it seems all tracks are available to Professional attendees, so I'm guessing you sign up for that and then just go to what you want etc. Again, I'll reply back once I hear the real answer. This is my guess.)

I'm further guessing some or all GO Events are accessible to the Professional attendees, so one would pick what to go to there.

Those are my best guesses... usually when I go to any conference of any kind, it will have a small fee to see vendors, then you can choose to go 1, 2, or 3 days etc. They have levels. It seems like GO has tracks as choices with Pro being the comprehensive one (i.e., you don't have to be pro to go Pro but going Pro seems to allow one to go to all things as desired... again a guess of mine).

Important to note, they do have some assistance available for those with financial limitations... so if someone doesn't think they can afford to attend, they should first check to see what's available there in terms of help.

[Ashley3]

I forgot to add keynote speakers. So, not sure, but I think the high-level of what Pro attendees can pick-and-choose from consists of what's at the following pages...

http://www.genderodyssey.org/seattle/professional/
http://www.genderodyssey.org/seattle/2018-keynote-speakers-seattle/
http://www.genderodyssey.org/seattle/events/

[HappyMoni]

I know the feeling.  I have a transgender sister that was not warmly embraced when she came out.  I still hear the negative comments and ignorance and transphobia from family.  They don't know I'm trans yet, and after seeing what my sister went through I'm not sure how I can subject myself to the same belittlement from the very people I love.  Don't get me wrong, she's still loved by the family, but they don't care much for her being trans.

I understand your fear. I guess I also look for the positives. You can better support your sister being out yourself. Maybe with it being both of you, they might have to reevaluate the way they look at things or risk alienating both of you. Also, do they dictate, with their ignorance, how you run your life? There are plenty of supportive people out there in the world. You have the chance to build your future by surrounding yourself with supporters. Sometimes, people take time to come around. If you build your life they can chose to come along with you.
Moni

[Sephirah]

Sweetie, first of all you have to understand what fear is. Why it affects you.

Anyone can tell you to just swallow it and do what you need to do. But it's not always that easy. If it were, no one would ever be afraid of anything. Fear is there for a reason. It's that voice within us that thinks if we do something, there's the possibility we might be hurt for doing it. It's purely a defense mechanism. Probably the oldest one we have. Fight or flight.

Fear is flight. Fear is the part of your mind which says "Hang on, this could be dangerous. You're putting yourself at risk by doing this. And I'd be remiss in my job if I didn't say 'Hey, I really don't want us to be hurt by this, you know!'"

From reading your posts, it sounds like you're afraid of rejection. And people being nasty to you just because you want to be yourself. Danielle, that's healthy. That's something that anyone in your place would be feeling too, sweetie. No one wants to be hurt. No one wants to deliberately go out of their way to put themselves in that position unless they're sure there's literally no other option.

It sounds also like part of your fear is that you're unsure of yourself. That you feel you need to have all the answers before you start fielding the questions. And I can't help getting the feeling from that, that this comes down to a deep-seated need to want to justify who you are. To be able to show people that this is the right thing you're doing. And maybe you're scared that if you can't do that, they won't take you seriously. They'll see you as less than you see yourself.

I feel like part of it is you feel a need to be flawless, sweetie. And that if you're not... people will somehow think you aren't deserving.

Danielle, the only thing I can really say to you is this: Fear will always be there, sweetie. It's not something you can ever truly make go away through sheer force of will. It's not something that you can brute force your way through. You're human. You have feelings. And you don't want those to be hurt. You don't want your Self to be hurt. That's entirely understandable.

But you don't have to let it control your life. Understand why it's there, sweetie. What it's trying to do. And then think about how you feel about yourself. What you want for yourself. Think about how you would feel if you let these fears of yours play out. Think about the reasons you feel those fears in the first place. Where it's all coming from.

When you think about it... the big reason you're scared is because you want it so badly. Because you know it feels right. It feels like how your life should be. If it wasn't... would you really be so scared? Use that sweetie. Draw on that feeling. That strength of certainty.

You don't have to be perfect. You just have to be you.

I believe in you.

*extra big hug*

[Danielle Kristina]

Sweetie, first of all you have to understand what fear is. Why it affects you.

Anyone can tell you to just swallow it and do what you need to do. But it's not always that easy. If it were, no one would ever be afraid of anything. Fear is there for a reason. It's that voice within us that thinks if we do something, there's the possibility we might be hurt for doing it. It's purely a defense mechanism. Probably the oldest one we have. Fight or flight.

Fear is flight. Fear is the part of your mind which says "Hang on, this could be dangerous. You're putting yourself at risk by doing this. And I'd be remiss in my job if I didn't say 'Hey, I really don't want us to be hurt by this, you know!'"

From reading your posts, it sounds like you're afraid of rejection. And people being nasty to you just because you want to be yourself. Danielle, that's healthy. That's something that anyone in your place would be feeling too, sweetie. No one wants to be hurt. No one wants to deliberately go out of their way to put themselves in that position unless they're sure there's literally no other option.

It sounds also like part of your fear is that you're unsure of yourself. That you feel you need to have all the answers before you start fielding the questions. And I can't help getting the feeling from that, that this comes down to a deep-seated need to want to justify who you are. To be able to show people that this is the right thing you're doing. And maybe you're scared that if you can't do that, they won't take you seriously. They'll see you as less than you see yourself.

I feel like part of it is you feel a need to be flawless, sweetie. And that if you're not... people will somehow think you aren't deserving.

Danielle, the only thing I can really say to you is this: Fear will always be there, sweetie. It's not something you can ever truly make go away through sheer force of will. It's not something that you can brute force your way through. You're human. You have feelings. And you don't want those to be hurt. You don't want your Self to be hurt. That's entirely understandable.

But you don't have to let it control your life. Understand why it's there, sweetie. What it's trying to do. And then think about how you feel about yourself. What you want for yourself. Think about how you would feel if you let these fears of yours play out. Think about the reasons you feel those fears in the first place. Where it's all coming from.

When you think about it... the big reason you're scared is because you want it so badly. Because you know it feels right. It feels like how your life should be. If it wasn't... would you really be so scared? Use that sweetie. Draw on that feeling. That strength of certainty.

You don't have to be perfect. You just have to be you.

I believe in you.

*extra big hug*

Thank you for your response.  Your words are full of love and wisdom, both of which I need.  At first I was scared that I might be trans - very scared, but I eventually accepted it and overcame that fear.  I made peace with that, but now the terror comes from the thought about telling others.  I know I'll overcome the fears I have now too. 

There is definitely a need to be flawless, or at least good.  In the past I made some mistakes I had to overcome, but over the last several years I made a stellar comeback.  I guess I'm afraid to let the loved ones down.  I just know their feelings on transgender people and while they're not hateful, they're not accepting either.  I feel like, since my sister already came out and went through hurtful responses to her being trans, that if I come out they are going to say, "Here we go, we got another one."  I still want to transition and they're going to find out eventually.  I just don't think I'm ready to tell them yet, which is frustrating because I do want to be the authentic me.  I'll get through this.  I'm just going to take baby steps. 

Big hugs in return!!!


Danielle

[HappyMoni]

Danielle,

Do you live with family? Do you depend on them financially? If you told them and they got abusive in any way, could you get away and get space?
Moni