It's been a while since I've posted on the forum. Life got rather convoluted for me for a while, and I was just too busy to stop by. Sorry about that, but thank you to everyone who was supportive to me when I was last here.
I've had a lot happen in the last few months. I've come out to my close friends about my intent to transition, and have received an amazing amount of support from them. My wife and I have been going to couples therapy together, and things have gotten to a calm that I didn't hope for in my wildest dreams. She's not only completely okay with everything, but she's actively supporting me in every step of the way. We've decided together that I'll hold off on HRT for the moment, as we want to have a child. Once we're sure that the pregnancy has taken, I'll start on HRT and away we go.
Though I still can't go out as a woman most of the time due to my job and the problems it could create for me, I did spend the last two weeks non-stop as a woman. My wife and I work conventions on the side, selling art. The reception I received was nothing short of amazing to me. It's a skewed result, as the conventions we work tend to be very LGBT friendly and accepting, but it was still extremely reaffirming for me. Even though some of it got a bit weird...
Friends, close coworkers, my little sister, all of the important people in my life already know about my decision and progress except my parents. I honestly can't figure out how to talk to them about this. They're both conservative protestants, and tend to be somewhat close-minded about these kinds of things. When I came out as bisexual, it was accidental. I ended up in an argument over politics with my mom at a bar/restaurant. She'd demanded to know why I cared so much about gay rights, and as I was somewhat drunk, I blurted out "Maybe because I'm F*-ing a guy?"
...not exactly the most graceful way to come one to one's parents, right? I'm desperately trying to avoid a confrontation like that again. My mom just pretended nothing happened, and didn't speak of it for a long time. When my sister came out as bi, she didn't speak to her for weeks. It took me driving from South Dakota back home to Chicago and yelling at them, reminding them that this was their daughter and what they were doing is deplorable, before they calmed down and things returned to normal. It's been six or seven years since that whole debacle, but it sits in the front of my mind as a reminder of how stubborn they can be.
I still love them both dearly, even if talking has become more strained between us due to religious, ideological, and political differences. I want them to stay in my life. And more than that, my wife and I are trying for a child, who I want to have a relationship with their grandparents.
I've spent countless hours planning out what to say in my head to them. I've rehearsed, I've written letters, I've laid there at night trying to figure out what to do. Earlier today, my mom let me know she'd be calling in the evening to check in since we haven't talked in a good month or so. I spent the entire day on the edge of a panic attack, trying to figure out if this was the right time to say something. In the end, I chickened out. We talked about basic things like the weather. Coming down from the panic attack now, and extremely disappointed in myself. I keep telling myself "next time, I'll talk to them. Really." but it never happens.
Any advice on how to deal with this? I'm at my wits end...
