3 months into HRT and starting to have fears and doubts about transitioning

[Lisa]

Hi everyone,

I've been on HRT (MtF) for around 3 months now, and I'm suddenly starting to have a lot more fears and doubts about transitioning.

I am seeing a therapist once or twice a week, but sometimes I feel like twice a day wouldn't be enough for everything on my mind!

I did feel absolutely horrible for *years* before starting the HRT, and it has made a massive improvement in my life, so I don't think I'd ever want stop it, but I am feeling a lot less certain about everything else.  I spent over a decade thinking about transitioning, and researching it, and talking to therapists before I started down this road, but it's still just this massive, life-changing thing, and I feel so unprepared for it all! 

The realities of trying to live full time some day, and being judged by female social standards, and self doubt about what other medical changes I want are really starting to hit hard.  I worry that I won't pass consistently and will be bullied again like I was as a kid, or that I'll end up feeling like I'm somehow 'faking' being a woman almost as much as I had to fake being a man!  I mean, I don't think it could ever be quite as bad, but it still worries me!

I took some 3-month progress photos recently.   (I won't be sharing them for now as I'm still closeted - sorry!)  Sometimes when I look at them, all I can see is all the progress I've made, and I feel like I look great and I'm so happy!   Other times though, all I can see are the masculine features and the flaws, and I just feel like a failure and want to cry!  And when I look in the mirror, depending on the angle, and how my hair's sitting, and my facial expression, and my mood, I either see the happy, smiling, confident woman I'm hoping to grow into, or I see the dull, depressed, soul-less guy I spent the last 30+ years trying to be, and it drives me absolutely nuts!

I guess more than anything else, I'm worried that I'll just get stuck in this weird in-between, back-and-forth mess, where sometimes I feel like the old me, and other times I feel like the new me, and that I might never fully become the person I actually *want* to be.

Has anyone else struggled with these kinds of feelings and fears?  If so, how did you deal with it?

- Megan

[AnamethatstartswithE]

I know it's hard. Just remember that there is no right way to transition. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and you don't have to be on anybody else's schedule. I gather from your post that you don't want to stop hrt, well don't. You are closeted now, stay in as long as you need to. This journey isn't about labels, it's about you feeling better. If you don't think something will make you feel better, then don't do it.

I hope you are able to find comfort in yourself.

[jesse135]

Do you go back and forth because of how difficult it is in everyday life, or do you go back and forth because you thought it would be different than how it is playing out? It's hard, no doubt about that, but it will bring doubts to the strongest people.

[Allison S]

I was the same exact way and still am to an extent at 10 months hrt.
There's no denying this is probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life so far. Would I stop because of that? No. Because people stare, misgender and even mistreat me? Nope.

We don't know each other but you have people here who do understand. It's going to be different for each person depending on length of time on hrt, surgeries, family/friend supports, finances, etc.

Overall I try to be realistic and live day to day. I'll be honest a lot has gone south for me since starting my transition but if this wasn't something in my heart that I wanted all along, then I'll regret it later.

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[Charlotte F]

Hi Megan

I've been on HRT for just over a year now and if I'm honest, I still have days where I see a man in the mirror.  I'd love to know why, there's never a consistent cause but I guess this is a part of my transition

What I have learned though is that as time has gone by, this occurrence has become less and less frequent.  More often than not, I see my true female self looking back.  When I'm having a bad day, I try and put it into context and think back a couple of years ago and how I hated looking in the mirror ALL the time - I couldn't even bear to see my reflection as I walked past store or car windows!

I have found keeping a journal really helps with this.  I write everything down - good and bad and then look back from time to time.  Things that were once massive hurdles now seem quite insignificant (obviously with the benefit of hindsight and because with each success, my confidence grows).  So when I'm struggling, I find it helps to remind myself of what has already been achieved and to know that I will get past the next barrier

Charlotte x

[Mendi]

That 3 month mark is the hardest. You start to see some changes, but they are not enough and the worry inside grows.

At least that point has been the hardest for me, so hard, that few years ago I decided not to transition at that point.

And it wasn´t easy this time either, but I pushed through.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Megan.

I think most of us have struggles with similar feelings to some degree and at some point.  How did I deal with it?  I dealt with it by denying that I was trans: transition was something that other people - weird people - did, and I was normal, wasn't I?  I did that for several decades too many.

Since HRT is helping you, it makes sense to stay on it.

If you do not want to transition, dont.  On the other hand, if you do want to transition but are resisting out of fear, that is something different.  So your work, with your therapist's help, is to figure out which it is.

One really valuable way to explore this is to go part time.  Dress as female and go someplace where you will not be recognized for half a day.  Walk around, go shopping, grab a coffee, whatever, and see how it feels.

You may discover that the city where you live is not a good place to be: valuable information.  Or you may discover, like me, that your fears were mostly exaggerated. 

I was only two months on HRT when I tried that and I surely didn't pass.  I found that it didn't matter.  I was treated well, served politely in restaurants, and helped by staff in stores.  I even joked about transition with a cashier in a  store when my old name came up on her screen in response to presenting my card.  And it was all good.

The reason I was in town in the first place was to meet my therapist to talk about my fears, and I was just killing time until my appointment.  By the time my appointment rolled around in the afternoon, the fear was mostly gone.

The reason you have fears is because the future is unknown.  Sampling the future by presenting part-time makes it known and dispells fears.  Even if the experience is unpleasant, you will at least know, and can take appropriate action.

Good luck, hun!

[Dena]

The problem is your looking to far ahead without enough information. What you need to do in the near future is to plan some part time in public. You may do this with one or more people with you so you don't need to fear being harmed by others. Fairly quickly you will start to see what life will really be like and your fear will become much more manageable.

One of the most difficult things I did was to walk out the door that first time as Dena. It took a couple of tries to open the door but after a few weeks, I was comfortably able to pass through the door into the public.

[Lisa]

Thanks so much for all the thoughts, suggestions, and kind words, everyone!  I actually felt a little better just writing all of that down and sharing it, and reading through the replies has helped even more.  I'm so glad I decided to start being more active on the forums here!

I guess to give a little more context on me and my life, I grew up in a relatively homophobic and transphobic area, and many of my friends that were gay faced refusal of service, verbal harassment, and on rarer occasions, physical violence when out in public.  None of them were the type to start or escalate anything, so I think it was mostly just a hand full of hateful and violent people feeling free to do as they pleased.  I do live in a different and generally much more accepting part of the country now, and times have changed, so I know my risk of those kinds of experiences is much lower, but it's still hard to shake that kind of baggage

I've also had self-confidence / self-image problems since I was little, and I'm generally averse to risk and change, and prone to anxiety and fear of uncertainty.  So regardless of what steps I end up taking, just being trans in the first place is pretty much a perfect storm of most of the other things that I already struggle with

I'm a lot more sure of things on the medical side, as I know which things have bothered me in private for over a decade, and what I wanted to change even if I never ended up going out in public.

The social side of things is more challenging for me though.  My attitude on being gendered male varies between total indifference and total hate.  My mannerisms in private tend to vary with my mood as well - in general, the more energetic and emotional I am (happiness, sadness, anger, love, and contentment all work!), the more feminine I tend to feel and behave; but the more tired, or dull, or numb I feel, the more I tend to feel and act more neutral or slightly masculine.  I don't consciously put effort into any of that, it just seems to happen automatically and has been that way for years, though I am more likely to unintentionally slip into 'girl mode' in public since being on HRT for a while.

On a good day, I would be super happy being out in public and on those days having to present as male feels very confining and upsetting, but on the more dull/numb days, trying to use my more feminine mannerisms feels more like extra effort to blend in rather than a natural expression of how I feel.  It's those variations in attitude and behavior that tend to fill me with the most doubts.  I've also been having a lot more stressful dreams lately about being closeted, or being outed before I'm ready, or just feeling uncertain of myself and my identity, which doesn't help matters either.

One thing my therapist suggested that helped me figure some things out at least, and that might be helpful for others as well, was to pretend that I knew for certain that I would never pass no matter what I did, but that most people would at least be reasonably polite, and the worst I would encounter would be avoidance, odd looks, and occasional verbal harassment.  If I knew all of that for certain, would it change my plans?  So far I've stuck to doing things where that kind of future wouldn't make any difference.

I do like Kathy's and Dena's suggestion of going somewhere for a day where I wouldn't likely be recognized and seeing how I feel about being out publicly as female.  I don't feel ready for that quite yet, but I think it's something I'd want to start experimenting with in the next few months and see how it goes.  Given my tendency to naturally vary in expression based on my mood, I think it's especially important to try going out on some of my more dull/numb days and see how I feel about it.  Who knows, maybe I'll just end up rocking the tomboy look on days like that and loving it!

On the topic of going out publicly, I do have kind of a fun story from around the 2 month mark.  I had a couple days where I was out shopping in different neighborhoods than usual, and I kept getting male fail!  It was exciting, and confusing, and scary all at the same time.  I wasn't upset by it, but more just confused at how other people were already seeing a woman that I have a hard time finding in the mirror, and feeling like it was too much too soon and I just wasn't ready yet.  I do have longer hair, but I was in baggy male clothing and hadn't even done the best job shaving   I do think I might have accidentally been slipping into some of my more feminine mannerisms and to a lesser extent my voice, and maybe that was enough to push me over the edge?  I didn't get any 'sir's and I kept getting 'ma'am' and 'dear' from multiple people, including throughout a few of 10+ minute conversations!  Maybe they just took an initial guess and rolled with it because I didn't complain?  Either way, I certainly wasn't going to 'correct' anyone

[Fadeuhhway]

Hey, I just wanted to say that its okay to feel that way. Remember, transitioning is basically a life long thing. Until they make hormones that can stay in your body for months on end, its a process you'll be managing the rest of your life. So its normal to be scared. Especially growing up in a very transphobic atmosphere, a place where you can't bloom and grow , where you're put down and forced to second guess yourself and your image...I get it, and trust me, it sometimes seems easier to crawl into a ball of covers in a corner and live there. For one, at the start of my HRT, it took getting used to my own appearance, even though it was great seeing my inner self showing outwardly. Its anxiety inducing, especially since I have a weight range where if I go over, my binders dont work and I dont pass, but if I go under, I appear sick -__-. And to have to bind in the summer! I would almost pass out from all the insulated heat. I stopped wearing them and just wore big sweaters, pretending like I was just a normal, very overweight male to explain the breasts. But when I got so depressed and started missing shots the contour of my face changed back and even when I'd bind I wouldnt pass when I was passing before 90% at least. And it felt good when I passed but felt x10 as worse when I was misgendered. I wasn't taking care of myself mentally and after 5 years of transitioning, im still not where I want to be atl. But you need to find your support systems and remember why you started doing all this in the first place. Some people stop or detransition,and that's their life. But if you're self conscious, anxious and scared, just know that these things take time. Dysphoria feels awful, and sometimes detransitioning or not transitioning doesnt change it  sometimes you need to follow your heart and soul and do what you need to to be happy. They say before starting HRT you should (or need to, idr) live as your preferred gender for a year. Like other people said, go out where no one knows you (or if your city has an area thats more LGBTQ friendly) and live as a female. If it feels right, and you'll know at the end, then go for it.

You will be judged and misgendered and you will have to be careful where you are if you dont pass 100% basically because we live in a cruel society that hates us. But sometimes the pros outweigh the cons. You'll be called the right pronouns, have your gender respected, and your dysphoria lift (usually). Days will differ, some harder than others. Sometimes passing,sometimes being hurt by a single word..but its all a part of the fight to become you. With the right clinicians, therapists, support groups and friends, you will make it through those bad days. And, it does get easier. You spend your life as one gender, it takes time to naturally act out the mannerisms of another...but you'll catch on. You'll learn what outfits fit you better (just like any woman who needs to find tbat outfit that shows off her assets and hides her insecurities). You adapt. You're human. And the anxiety from all this will lessen or get easier to handle. You got this!

If you choose to detransition or feel its better to not go further, you'll still find support. Just make sure you find what makes you the happiest and fight the fears that creep up because you deserve to be happy and be YOU. Sorry for the long rant

Edit: Its well known transwomen are harassed more than transmen,  but I did want to say the worst really has been weird looks or being misgendered. The violence usually happens more when you're alone, at night, and in an area when homosexual men in denial get drunk. Women at all times should as a rule stick together, there's too many predators out there. But really, try imagining the worst to be people staring or misgendering you (sometimes purposefully). Really, the worst is KIDS. I swear if I cant count how many times a kid looks at me and goes MOMMY MOMMY WHY IS THAT LADY DRESSED LIKE A MAN SHE'S WEIRD! And at that point I remind myself that the mom is probably x10 more embarassed after that than I am, because then the whole area, crowds turn around and look AT THE KID AND MOM, not me, so its easy to laugh it off and slip away.

[GingerVicki]

There was a point in my life when I thought that transitioning would be selfish. Then I stopped and thought about me. What about me. Certainly I am allowed to be happy. I denied myself that for years for various reasons over the years. Even now if I wanted to I could come up with many reasons why I should not transition, but I can only come up for one reason for why I should transition. Happiness! Something that I've really never had before.

Passing is complicated and hard for many of us. Even the most beautiful girl don't pass because of their voice. It rocked me so hard that I thought about learning sign language and pretending to be mute. Obviously I would speak to my friends and significant other. It is all up to you and you know what you need to do.

Losing family hurts. I know this from personal experience from my biological family and married life. I will add that I was lucky to have two girls that do accept me. I am sure that if I had a boy he would also accept me. My personal circle will only include people who accept me for me. No one else matters at the end of the day. I decided that it is unfair for me to be always be unhappy. I am a good person and deserve to be happy.

[KatieP]

One really valuable way to explore this is to go part time.  Dress as female and go someplace where you will not be recognized for half a day.  Walk around, go shopping, grab a coffee, whatever, and see how it feels.

You may discover that the city where you live is not a good place to be: valuable information.  Or you may discover, like me, that your fears were mostly exaggerated. 

In my opinion, and experience, this is the best, most practical advice EVER on this topic. The reality is you will never know if it COULD work for you until you TRY it for you. And, you might find it is REALLY fun!

And, some days will go easy, and some will go hard, and there is no telling how it will go. I mentioned the story on another thread how on Tuesday, I was in a one-on-one training class, and at one point the instructor said he had no idea I was trans until I told him. That same morning, I was in Starbucks, and it was the same way. I don't recall even funny looks. Wooo Hooo! Success! This morning, however, I was in that very same Starbucks, and it seemed to me that every single person was giving me the stink eye. Ugh. Fail!

The "fail" will NOT keep me from going out tomorrow into this big bad world dressed as me...

Try it in a safe sort of way, get batter, and more comfortable with it, see how it goes.

And, your therapist gave you exceptional advice as well with the suggestion, "to pretend that I knew for certain that I would never pass no matter what I did, but that most people would at least be reasonably polite, and the worst I would encounter would be avoidance, odd looks, and occasional verbal harassment."

If you TRY it, and find that pass or not, people are OK, and you feel better, then that is a major success!

Kate

[Lisa]

Wow, I'd totally forgotten about this thread, lol!  What a difference a month makes!

So... I've had more physical changes (though not as much as I'd like), and I've gotten started on facial hair removal, and probably the most important of all, I'm now out to my parents, all of my real life friends, a local support group, and a number of my coworkers.  So far *everyone* has been accepting and supportive, and I can't believe how lucky I am to have that!

I've now asked a bunch of people for feedback on voice, mannerisms, social skills, etc. and pretty much everyone has said that everything seems just right - very natural, neither exaggerated nor masculine.  The voice is still a very deliberate thing that I have to think about and focus on, but all of the other social behavior feels very natural and automatic when I'm not forced to hide it; the only times seem I have an issue are when I lose confidence and start overthinking it!

All of the women I've come out to have been very quick to just start socializing with me as if I'm one of the gang, and none have mentioned any kind of awkwardness about that.  In fact I had 3 of them tell me that they realized at some point that they hadn't been treating me like 'other guys' for months if not years, but they had no idea why!  I've also had multiple cis women offer to go shopping for clothing or purses or makeup with me and generally be an ally if I want to go out as myself some time!

I do know that I both feel and act more visibly feminine when I'm excited or happy or otherwise high-energy (even if it's anger), but less so when I'm really tired or feeling sluggish due to illness.  I don't know if it's generally the same for cis women as I'm not used to encountering them when they're especially tired or not feeling well, but I'd guess maybe it is to some extent?  Also if I'm totally focused on work or some other task, I kind of lose track of myself and then once I stop focusing, I seem to gradually move back towards 'full fem mode' over a short period of time; it's pretty automatic and just takes a little bit, nothing I really have to force.  I also don't know what that's about, but maybe it's normal too?

I've also had a lot more cases of almost slipping up and using Megan with people I'm not out to yet.  No actual slip ups so far, but all the more reason to just tell everyone that matters and then get on with life!

Anyway, no problems so far with the physical changes, and I've gotten a lot more confident in my ability to fit in socially, at least for the amount of time I'd generally be out in public on any given day.  If it weren't for the long road on facial hair removal and body shape changes, I'd definitely be going at least part time, if not full time, now!

[Fadeuhhway]

I do know that I both feel and act more visibly feminine when I'm excited or happy or otherwise high-energy (even if it's anger), but less so when I'm really tired or feeling sluggish due to illness.  I don't know if it's generally the same for cis women as I'm not used to encountering them when they're especially tired or not feeling well, but I'd guess maybe it is to some extent?  Also if I'm totally focused on work or some other task, I kind of lose track of myself and then once I stop focusing, I seem to gradually move back towards 'full fem mode' over a short period of time; it's pretty automatic and just takes a little bit, nothing I really have to force.  I also don't know what that's about, but maybe it's normal too?

I've also had a lot more cases of almost slipping up and using Megan with people I'm not out to yet.  No actual slip ups so far, but all the more reason to just tell everyone that matters and then get on with life!

Anyway, no problems so far with the physical changes, and I've gotten a lot more confident in my ability to fit in socially, at least for the amount of time I'd generally be out in public on any given day.  If it weren't for the long road on facial hair removal and body shape changes, I'd definitely be going at least part time, if not full time, now!

I just wanted to comment on the top part. You ever see those videos on facebook or whatever where they talk about how cis women typically act on their periods? I know I was more masculine when I was pre-transitioning but like most people who unfortunately bleed uncontrollably and still manage to live (ha the true zombies!) I acted the same; curling up into a ball from cramps, not wanting to move an inch because of well. you can guess...suddenly eating everything in sight...and other things which includes wearing the same pair of dirty sweats, doing the whole "man-spread" thing on your couch after pigging out on ice cream, not caring who's around and passing gas/burping around people because you don't care if it's "unlady like", you feel like crap and you're going to be a sloth if you want! Most cis women don't act "feminine" when they feel tired or sick or anything along those lines. Remember, a lot of these things are societal. A lot of cis women I've spoke to even say that they have to sometimes put in extra energy to be feminine themselves sometimes. So don't worry about that part. Its totally normal.

But anywho, I'm glad to hear that this month has brought such great changes and progress! See how if you just believe then you can push past your anxieties and worries and do anything you set your mind to! (now if only I can take my own advice   )

[WishnHopeN]

I struggled with the choice to transition or not for ... ehem... 25 years

What has helped me the most is support from friends, these forums on Susans org, and transsexuals who went before me and paved the road which has allowed me to rollerskate in their wakes of bravery.  I almost never go out alone so I think relationships are critical. 

I finally went full time a year ago when I arrived at the conclusion that it didn't matter to me if, when people look at me, they see a woman or a transsexual woman.  So far things are awesome but I might be passable I'm not sure.  I'd imagine that the level of passability affects people's reactions.

Make friends.  Support each other.  Be there for each other.  I can't imagine having to do all this alone.

[Peach]

It is normal to have doubts or fears when you want to start.. Is a mix of feelings, but trust me, you'll feel better and more comfortable with the pass of the months. Now your body is getting used to the HRT. I did not stabilize emotionally until almost 6 months of treatment.

You can do it, girl. 

[Kate.claire]

6+months in, and I still am riddled with doubts depending on the day.

I see Lisa hasn't posted in some time.  Too often, this is the case:  people come posting their concerns, but ghost long before we see their outcomes.  I like to comfort myself by imagining they've resolved their crisis and blended back into the world as happy humans, but who really knows?

-Kate

[AnneK]

6+months in, and I still am riddled with doubts depending on the day.

After asking my doctor for hormones, I occasionally had doubts I was doing the right thing.  However, now that I've started HRT, those doubts are gone.

[Kate.claire]

Mine always center around the kids, wife, and job. I know who I am, just guilty about the impacts on those I love.

I was watching Free Solo on the plane and realized that climbing El Capitan without a rope and the anxiety that leads up to that moment is not dissimilar to the feeling of social transition looming ahead.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Mine always center around the kids, wife, and job. I know who I am, just guilty about the impacts on those I love.

I was watching Free Solo on the plane and realized that climbing El Capitan without a rope and the anxiety that leads up to that moment is not dissimilar to the feeling of social transition looming ahead.

Hi Kate,
               Have you tried your day to day life and priorities without HRT.
I bet you find it more unpleasant.

I was on full HRT late 2015 through 2016. 2017 Went off HRT to resolve marriage issues and doubt about where things were going.

After 12 months of no HRT the dysphoria & inner conflict started to become a distraction. From the beginning of 2018 until now full HRT and what a relief!

I have found personally there are many upsides to HRT and not much downside.
I believe HRT does not force you to transition, it just moderates the angst, unease, dissatisfaction & dysphoria.

Sticking with HRT helps!

If you need proof, go without it for 6 months.

Kind regards, Kirsten.


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