Well, this vacation, coming as I enter my 5th month of hrt has shown me that ...I pass at least some of the time. And even when I might not completely pass, i've been afforded the privilege of 90% of people not paying it any mind. No one is more surprised at this than me! I never dreamed I could! Especially in a bikini top!
I'm not trying to brag.
I had made up my mind to weather the strange looks and awkward misgenderings because I assumed at 6'2", 185lbs and size 11 shoes, I would never be accepted. My good friend told me I never would and I didn't even correct her because I thought so too. I spent a year presenting as a woman all across the U.S while shooting a documentary on Rocky Horror and during that time my travel buddy told me I was unfeminine, that I needed to practice my movements like a ballet dancer. I tried but it seemed so far out of reach, literally, I was stiff as a board (but not light as a feather.)
I've had terrible wigs, awful weaves, bad makeup, beard shadow, dressed like a blind toddler's Barbie doll, uncomfortable shoes, awkward ill-fitting clothes, I even had a period where I spoke like Minnie Mouse, but here I am today and through a mix of hard work and genetic luck, I can blend amongst the females of the species.
But with passing comes something new, being treated as a woman by men...
Two recent incidents come to mind. I drove my family out to Ithaca for dinner and while parking near Ithaca Commons, I found myself struggling a bit to bring the car in line with the curb because I was at the end of a row where the curb turns out behind me. I was working my car back and forth for less than a minute when a guy
crossed the street, and
walked a full block to offer to guide me in just at the moment I shifted into park. Like, I appreciate the kind gesture but
I got this, dude. I'm not helpless, lol. I gave him a thankful smile and nod but this was the beginning of something.
Later, I left the water park to run back to our hotel room to pop a lady pill and on my way out of my hotel room door (the water park is down the hall from our room) some dude stopped to chat me up. Granted, I was in a bikini top and had the flannel shirt I was using as a makeshift coverup open --exposing my meager cleavage.
He was like, "Hey, headed to the water park?" And I said, "yup." Pointing at my swimsuit like "duh?" And he laughed, gave me this sweet Dad smile and said "Enjoy the water." At that point I said, "Thanks, I will," in as nice a way as I could manage and we continued on past each other but internally I was like, "yeah? That's the point!! I don't need, like, your permission, stranger!" Afterward I wondered if he had been flirting... I probably looked like fun for an older gal since all the other moms were covering up their pregnancy bellies/scars and were otherwise constantly with their men or surrounded by children. Then the doubt crept in: he probably thought you were a cisgender chick until you spoke and then needed an exit line and the best he could come up with was "enjoy the water!!" Everything else was your imagination!
Or maybe he just wanted someone pretty (shut up you narcissist) to share a nice moment with to make him feel young again before he made his way back to his wife and kids. Either way this is all new to me and will surely be part of my new normal. Boys are... weird. Was I ever like that?
Edit: I wanted to add a bit here and clean up my above entry which was written early in the morning on my phone.
Surrendering my male pride (the same that got me injured trying to carry ALL THE GROCERY BAGS FROM THE CAR IN ONE GO XD) is an unforeseen part of my transition. Over the past three days, I reluctantly accepted a push from the mountain top guide when my family and I went snow tubing and I reluctantly accepted help from a nice porter outside our hotel at checkout, who brought our luggage out to our car and helped load it. It turns out I'm a natural at letting men do things for me
, which seems kind of wicked and old fashioned but I truly have lost a ton of strength in my upper body and I think the assumption on the part of these men that I needed assistance was accurate in my case. I realize I could get into trouble if I'm not careful.
