I am an emotionally changed person. There's no other way to say it. How I process my emotions and my responses to others has become so calm, loving and
precise. When I try to remember how I felt as a guy (or at least on testosterone since I was never technically a "guy,") it feels like my emotions were slapdash and unfocused.
When I was in high school I took an aptitude test and the result was that I should become a counselor and I scoffed at it. I was so screwed up in my own head, I thought surely no one would want to take advice from me. I never really thought too hard about it again but recently, I've come to think I would make a damn fine counselor with proper training etc. Not that I'm going to but... well, here's an example.
My Mom. I've been gently nudging my parents to continue their progress towards acceptance of my gender identity rather than get stuck in the denial stage. In FaceTime sessions with them I've flat out stopped attempting to "butch up" my looks or personality. First of all because I don't want to and second of all because it's oftentimes inconvenient. I want them to know my new normal and if they object, well, they can always not call. It's strange how cold this attitude seems but it doesn't change how much I love them.
After weathering their misgendering and lack of effort to even start out on the right foot, I finally snapped and told them how I feel not in a whiny or desperate way but in a matter of fact appeal to their better natures. Following that my mother said, adorably, "Hi Bree!" (that's the name I use outside of here in case you forgot) Things seemed to improve with her but my Dad is taking it hard and I could see the pain he was in. More on this in a bit.
A couple days later, I txt'd my mom telling her that since she had not taken me up on my offer to help me choose a middle name, I wondered what she thought of Ray (spelled Rae or Rei) after my grandfather. She responded back that she liked my old middle name "Philip" but said I could "do what I want" ignoring my request for her opinion completely. So, I wrote back that "philip" was unsuitable for a woman's middle name and that I didn't need or want her permission to change it, what I wanted was her opinion. She apologized and I told her that I wasn't mad or sad, that I simply wanted her to be a part of my life moving forward because I love her. Like I said, precise.
If I was an emotional machine gunner before, I was an elite sniper now.
My Dad. Because I saw how tough it was on him, I called him up to get a temperature read and see if I could help address some of the issues he was having. He immediately put up walls and started deflecting. He said "there's nothing you can do" "we're just old folks set in our ways" so I told him, "You're right. But there are things
you can do." I told him that I feared that he would carry this burden by himself and that his insistence that time would heal all wounds and all he needed was time, wasn't entirely true so long as he had those mental barriers up. Then I started asking him questions.
My mother is religious and she worries for my immortal soul, but my father has no such convictions. So why was he so against the idea of my being transgender? I understand that he mourns for his son, but what about this person, your child, has really changed due to a transition? He told me he fretted for my wife and child, my family. I told him that the issue of my wife and child is between me and her and that his relationship with them was between those individuals.
What else? Is he embarrassed to be seen with me? Is he worried about social situations? He said he didn't know. He always claimed he wanted me to be happy beyond anything else. After a little stammering he said he felt I had made a terrible choice and was worried about me and my life going forward. I told him it was never really a choice and that I was happier than I had ever been. He admitted again that he understood that and had reconciled with the fact that this is the only way for me to feel whole. So I said, if you understand that and you see that I'm the same person who likes movies about two guys killing each other with swords, then I ask again what's really changed?
He got defensive. Said I was psychoanalyzing him. I told him he was right and that I had no right to ask these questions but then I lead him where I needed him to go: Back to the idea of talking to someone, either a counselor or a close friend. I told him it's important to understand not just
how you feel but
why you feel that way. My Dad is from the old school. This is such an alien concept to him. He sent me to therapy as a kid, let them put me on antidepressants, but this wasn't something he would ever consider for himself. I concluded by telling him that I only want to ease his pain and get to the part where our relationship has never been better.
I didn't cry. I didn't take the bait. I didn't escalate the fight. This new version of me waits for her moment to strike with deadly precision but also remains kind and self reflective. I don't want to win. I want everyone to win and that's the real difference.
