What's in a Name?
Bond. James Bond. You know who that is from the moment he introduces himself. He's got swagger!
As adorbs as I thought
elle's bells was for a nickname to use here, it was time to get real. I haven't gone by Elle since a couple months after I started an account actually. In fact, it was never a great fit for me. For awhile I was like 90% sure I was going to use, Briana, the feminized version of my deadname because it would make the transition easy for everyone else including my family. I even wrote this super long sappy post about it on Facebook claiming that I found my inner zen penguin and with it acceptance of who I was
but when it came time to give my name to my employer... I had to take minute.
What did I want from a name? Who was this person I was going to be for the next
40 years? Did I feel like a Briana? I was pretty sure I didn't. I decided to sleep on it. Then about two days later I was scrolling through my Netflix account looking for something to watch, and my eyes lit upon a name: SABRINA.
...yes, as in the Chilling Adventures of a Teenage Witch... immaterial where it came from! XD
In that moment I got a glow, girls. I felt the future. As a tall person with large-ish features I'd always tried to encourage or choose pseudonyms that made me feel more slight, petit or were otherwise diminutive in some way. Ny nickname in college was Boo, and it was so small and round and cute. Elle was an accident that happened when I was drawing loops on a paper. It was soft and easy and feminine. Well, that ain't me!
I'm bold, sassy, vivacious. I'm a people person! I want to dance! I want you to ask me to dance! I wear what I like and own it like I made it. I'm dramatic! I breeze into a room and make everyone a teensy bit happier and at ease. I care passionately! Love deeply! And yet, there's something sad and mysterious about the name Sabrina too. I carry my sadness like a river that sometimes wears me down but softens those hard edges and reminds me of all the beauty in the world. I carry the sadness of others as if it were my own.
Also it's just nice to say, Sabrina. I feel like an adult. I feel like a person. I want Doctors and Lawyers to call me that. Of course, everyone immediately took to calling me Bree, which I think is really cute and easy and also feels like me. XP
I offered my parents a chance to choose my middle name but they weren't ready and I was. So I mulled it over a bit and decided to make it an homage to my hero, my grandfather Raymond but to give it a twist I spelled it as they do in Japan, a nod to my long history with that culture. Yes, like Rei from Evangelion! We actually were going to name our son, Rei, but that wasn't meant to be. We ultimately chose not to have any more children. So I'll carry that with me as well.
Also, Sabrina Rei just sounds cool. Like country music star cool.
I knew I'd made the right decision when my daughter called me and screamed my name over the phone after having to go to the doctor for a foot infection and being so scared. It broke my heart because she needed me, her mother, and I wasn't there. I haven't mentioned this but she doesn't call me daddy anymore. We use maddy/maddie (mom-daddy) now or just Sabrina. She's been really good about it. My parents use Bree all the time now too.
So I'm sorry elle's bells, your time is up. Long Live Sabrina Rei!