Year Two

[ds1987]

Hello all,

It's been a while since I've been on, dunno when my last post was.  I'm nearly four months in to my second year on HRT, though I guess I've been transitioning socially and such for a bit longer.  The first year was a WHOOSH, with all of the firsts happening so quickly.  I started hormones, found my name, went full time, legally changed my name, fell in love, then left my life behind and moved halfway across the country to live with my partner. 

I'm not sure if what I'm feeling now is stagnancy, reality, or a hangover from the binge of changes during my first year.  I haven't had a job since May, since I tried working and was panicking before every shift due to overexposure and paranoia.  I haven't made a lot of friends, and the ones I've made - albeit wonderful - are mostly other trans women who have a lot on their plate that keeps them from being reliable for a good relationship.  I don't know what hobbies I want because it's been so long since I've enjoyed anything aside from my transition and my partner.  And my partner is also a trans woman, so we have a lot going on aside from the "normal" throes of living with a new person.  I am inundated with the aftermath of changes that were so positive in the making, but now feel fragmented, sometimes even hollow.

I've heard of this happening to trans people in their 2nd and 3rd years, being faced with the reality of existing after taking care of so much that once seemed exciting and promising.  I'm fighting the feelings that this has been pointless.  I'm still depressed.  I'm still unmotivated.  I at least quit smoking weed.  And I do have a lot to be thankful for.  My partner is incredible, and we are growing together.  I have a stable and loving home, and the people I do know here are great, despite what I've mentioned.  I know I am who I'm supposed to be and would not turn back on transitioning or stop now.  But I'm stuck.

Can anyone relate?  And I don't need answers necessarily, but would love to just chat with someone who gets it.  As I write all this, I'm starting to think that these issues have nothing to do with transitioning at all.  That it's me.

Aria

[Northern Star Girl]

@ds1987   Yes indeed you have been posting very infrequently lately... but thank you for coming back here for your update regarding your 16 month HRT anniversary.

Much like my HRT experience was, you also were able to go full-time quite quickly... 
I likewise moved far away... relocated to a new town when I went full-time to start my own business as a woman and to be known as a woman.   
I haven't quite fallen in love yet but I have been trying to handle 3 very nice suitors... it is quite a trick that many cis-women seem to have a handle on, but I am learning.   I definitely do not want any hurt feelings so I am being very careful.

I am sorry to read of your life issues that you have been trying to deal with....   first, it is very good that you have stopped smoking cannabis...   to deal with difficult issues it is very important to be able to think clearly and to not have your mind fogged by any types of even so-called soft drugs.

While I can not relate to your exact situation, I am hoping that you can glean some help from just talking about and writing about what you are experiencing.   
There are lots and lots of threads here... and members here on the forums that can better identify with what you are going through and if you can find each other then some positive sharing can happen that might be of help.  Plan to spend a little time searching through the different Forums topics and various threads and as you can always do, like you did this time, you can start your own thread with a subject line that is specific and appropriate for what you are seeking.

Wishing you well and good luck with your life goals.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

[Devlyn]

Hello all,

It's been a while since I've been on, dunno when my last post was.  I'm nearly four months in to my second year on HRT, though I guess I've been transitioning socially and such for a bit longer.  The first year was a WHOOSH, with all of the firsts happening so quickly.  I started hormones, found my name, went full time, legally changed my name, fell in love, then left my life behind and moved halfway across the country to live with my partner. 

I'm not sure if what I'm feeling now is stagnancy, reality, or a hangover from the binge of changes during my first year.  I haven't had a job since May, since I tried working and was panicking before every shift due to overexposure and paranoia.  I haven't made a lot of friends, and the ones I've made - albeit wonderful - are mostly other trans women who have a lot on their plate that keeps them from being reliable for a good relationship.  I don't know what hobbies I want because it's been so long since I've enjoyed anything aside from my transition and my partner.  And my partner is also a trans woman, so we have a lot going on aside from the "normal" throes of living with a new person.  I am inundated with the aftermath of changes that were so positive in the making, but now feel fragmented, sometimes even hollow.

I've heard of this happening to trans people in their 2nd and 3rd years, being faced with the reality of existing after taking care of so much that once seemed exciting and promising.  I'm fighting the feelings that this has been pointless.  I'm still depressed.  I'm still unmotivated.  I at least quit smoking weed.  And I do have a lot to be thankful for.  My partner is incredible, and we are growing together.  I have a stable and loving home, and the people I do know here are great, despite what I've mentioned.  I know I am who I'm supposed to be and would not turn back on transitioning or stop now.  But I'm stuck.

Can anyone relate?  And I don't need answers necessarily, but would love to just chat with someone who gets it.  As I write all this, I'm starting to think that these issues have nothing to do with transitioning at all.  That it's me.

Aria

Good to see you again, doll. 

I think this has more to do with the mundane thing we call life than anything else. I KNEW  that I would toil away at a factory job until I  tipped over at 80 or so with no hope of a Nobel peace prize or happiness. Then I spent the better portion of a decade learning who I am, and  discovered that I do love myself, and that has allowed others to love me. Now life really begins for me. 

I think your situation is the mirrored image of mine. You discovered yourself early.....now the only thing left is toil  until you tip over.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Rachel]

I am at a point in my transition where I am pretty much done. I still am dealing with facial hair, a hoarse voice and perhaps a BA revision and I have some loose ends ( denied insurance claim for $74,000)but the heavy lifting is done. Also a legal issue with another denied insurance claim is on the horizon ($50,000). 

I am seen as female and I am so happy for that. I love being me:) The above is worth it and I will find a way to correct the above.

I will go to the beach August 24-26 and be on the beach in a bathing suit, awesome. I will eat seafood and walk the boardwalk.

I am on a plan to deal with the issues in my past that haunt me. This is scary and I am afraid I can get lost in this effort. These are issues I run from but I need to learn how to deal with them.

I see no purpose in life. I have no social life and no friends. I have some casual friends but no close friends. I have an alternate view on life topics due to depression and past issues. I have an exit plan if I ever need to execute it. 

I have work goals and I am good at what I do. I am driven and innovative and creative.

Then someone set me up on a date which is tomorrow. It is nice to be in this position after being lonely for so long. I am not getting my hopes up. Anyhow, this has taught me a valuable lesson. Even though things look one way at present it can change and quickly. I do not know where this will lead but hopefully I can get a good friend and maybe more.

I am trying to change the negative drivers in my life through professional help. I really want to figure out what is next and have fun finding out.

[krobinson103]

Entering into the dregs of the first year of transition now and I have to say things have really slowed down. Just waiting for laser to get the hair, working on voice, and waiting for surgery. BUT that being said I've found an incredible new life and I don't intend to move away from where I have been as people are starting to accept me. My job performance is getting better, and my life is happier. My wife will leave me but I have a girl friend who is willing to wait and you know what? Despite things slowing down life is exciting for a change. The cost has been high, but I'd do it again in a heart beat because...

Every day is an awesome day. Every day from this day on is full of opportunity just have to find it.

[ds1987]

Thank you all for your replies!  I've been learning how to take things slowly, step by step, though it certainly isn't easy.  I like to dive in, to inundate myself with something new, and then it eventually tapers down to the extent where I'm looking to get out of it and seek the new thrill, the new "new."

My partner and I have both been dealing with this, as we both flew through so much during our first years.  We began to transition right around the same time and met a few months in to that.  So now, we're finding excitement in the fact that...we are here!  We worked hard and have been working hard and will continue to work hard.  But we are ourselves, we are together, and - although we don't know what we're doing - we are going into life fully.  Some days suck, some days hold bad news or dysphoric triggers or tense arguments.  But, like Devlyn said, this is how life goes.

But also, like krobinson said, every day is full of opportunity.  And that in and of itself is exciting.  Because that's a concept we're learning together for the first time.

Thank you again!
Aria

[sarah1972]

Thanks for your update Aria - I am in the same boat you are in. 20 months on HRT and 14 months full time. My next steps are so far away that they do not even cause any new excitement.

I thought of the first year HRT as such an adrenalin rush, then all the coming out over a 3 months period. It all kept my reward center satisfied and my adrenalin up. And then? Life became boring. I got gendered correctly, everyone used the right name and pronouns (with a few exceptions) and there was little new to look forward to. And I was exhausted. So much had happened in such a short amount of time.

I also ended in a downward spiral. It is so hard accepting "normal" even though this is what we all are just hoping for. A normal life as women. So I really should cherish my accomplishments and count my blessings. And I try.

Stay strong Aria!!

Hugs,

Sarah