What if I'm wrong?

[4A-GZE]

I just wonder sometimes how I can know that I actually know anything about myself, if that makes sense. I've NEVER been able to express my feelings well; when I see counselors, I pretty much can only answer "I don't know" to all of their questions. And I'm serious; I really don't understand my own emotions.

On top of that, this whole thing was kind of a late development for me. I never thought to question my identity until I was 14 or 15. It seems that most trans people notice that something is wrong in their early childhood. I never did.

So sometimes I wonder if this is all just wishful thinking. Like I'm so desperate to find myself that I've been forcing an identity based on nothing. I don't know if it's based on nothing, though. I just don't know where it came from and I'm sometimes worried it's not real.

[Jessica]

I just wonder sometimes how I can know that I actually know anything about myself, if that makes sense. I've NEVER been able to express my feelings well; when I see counselors, I pretty much can only answer "I don't know" to all of their questions. And I'm serious; I really don't understand my own emotions.

On top of that, this whole thing was kind of a late development for me. I never thought to question my identity until I was 14 or 15. It seems that most trans people notice that something is wrong in their early childhood. I never did.

So sometimes I wonder if this is all just wishful thinking. Like I'm so desperate to find myself that I've been forcing an identity based on nothing. I don't know if it's based on nothing, though. I just don't know where it came from and I'm sometimes worried it's not real.

Not everyone has the revelation that they are gendered incorrectly when they are young.  It didn't occur to me till I was in my teens also.
They answers you give in therapy should be based on truth and "I don't know" is often the truth.  Continue exploring, through therapy, and the puzzle pieces may start to fit together.

Hugs and smiles, Jessica

[Alexa Ares]

my advice is to be patient with yourself, and give yourself some time. For what its worth, not all TG feel Trans as a 5 year old.
Its also not unusual to wonder about your feelings and if they are genuine. Thats something Cis or Trans people can feel, and given how being Trans is not easy, its natural to feel like that at some point.

Try to open up more in your sessions and be open to looking at your situation from different angles. That you feel the need to talk to a Counsellor about Gender and are on a board like this suggests there is something to your feelings.
You will just have to be patient and explore what they mean for you, and look at the best way to manage this for you, be it expression through how you dress, who you socialise with, or medical transition.  There isn/t a one size fits all method with this, so YOU be YOU and take your time to find out what that means. You may or may not be Trans. The important thing is you find ways to be happier in life, and to learn to love yourself if you don't already.

Take care,
Lexa xx

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Carly. 

It is not at all uncommon for us to have shut down our feelings at a young age.  It is what we needed to do to survive, and is probably quite a common symptom of being trans.  Unfortunately, it can also be a symptom of other stuff, so it is not helpful diagnostically.  I have had my feelings turned down to almost zero all my life.  It is only thanks to a bit of personal development work I did in my 40s and 50s that I am able to find anything to access at all.

Your therapist should help you dig for those feelings.  That's their job, and a good one should be able to pry into the shut-down stuff a bit.  You have to give them something to work with, though.  If you can't give them feelings, give them knowledge of incidents or experiences.  Or give them your best guess if you don't know an answer for sure.

It seems that most trans people notice that something is wrong in their early childhood. I never did.

This is not true.  From talking to people here, it seems that there are more of us who made it into adulthood before suspecting we were trans than there are people who knew as youngsters.  I only started to wonder in my 40s, and managed to deny it to myself for another 20 years.  And it turns out that I am pretty typical.

There is nothing in what you posted that would suggest to me that you are not trans.  So I am going to say that you might be.  You, with the help of your therapist, will have to take it from there.

What if you are wrong?  The therapist's job is to reduce the odds of that happening, by digging up the stuff that you have hidden away.

The best test of whether or not you are wrong is to give it a try.  Some people will try HRT on a low for a while to see if they feel different.  It doesn't always work: I didn't feel anything with HRT.  But another test is a bit of real-life experience.  Dress as the other gender, wear makeup and a wig if you need to, and then spend a day or two just being your other self.  See how it feels.  Doing that for half a day removed all my doubts and fears.  It just felt so right.  You might have a similar experience.

[Megan.]

I spent about a year saying "I don't know", don't pressure yourself.

I knew I felt different as a child, but probably as far from girls as I felt from boys. It was only in my teens I started to centre on the cause, and then another 20 years to face it!

I've been living full-time for 18 months, and on HRT for a year. I'm well on the road to GRS and will never go back. Am I trans*? I'm not sure, and frankly it doesn't matter. I like myself, and I'm happy and at peace with who I am.

Keep exploring, you're making progress just asking yourself these questions, even if you don't feel you are sometimes. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Colleen_definitely]

Doubts like these are pretty common, I had plenty and I was one of those people who knew from a young age.  My therapist was a huge help in this case.

But like the others here have said, not everyone figures it out as a child.  Honestly I am pretty sure that I'm in the minority when it comes to my support group.  There's plenty of people there who figured it out way later than you have.  You're hardly a late bloomer in this community.

One thing that helped me early in therapy was to write things down so I didn't get caught in the "I don't know" cycle.  It also helped to think about these sorts of things when I didn't have a therapist staring me down so to speak.  It made getting to the important bits a lot easier when visiting her in the future.

[Devlyn]

I just wonder sometimes how I can know that I actually know anything about myself, if that makes sense. I've NEVER been able to express my feelings well; when I see counselors, I pretty much can only answer "I don't know" to all of their questions. And I'm serious; I really don't understand my own emotions.

On top of that, this whole thing was kind of a late development for me. I never thought to question my identity until I was 14 or 15. It seems that most trans people notice that something is wrong in their early childhood. I never did.

So sometimes I wonder if this is all just wishful thinking. Like I'm so desperate to find myself that I've been forcing an identity based on nothing. I don't know if it's based on nothing, though. I just don't know where it came from and I'm sometimes worried it's not real.

Actually it's been my observation that some transgender people will tell you that most transgender people knew something early. I  see more people figuring it out later. Gender didn't come onto my radar until my late thirties, around the time you start doing self reflection.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Rachel_Christina]

I took this process abit like my Supra when I did the mods on it.
I thought about "what if I was wrong" but I did the work anyway and threw a fire extinguisher in the back seat for just incase I was wrong :')

Transition has to be treated in a similar manner. Worry about it is imperative, but a waste of time mostly. You are just gonna have to do it if you feel you are.
And if a year down the road you feel you where wrong, than an extinguisher or other form of back up is good to have set up.

Waiting around especially in the area of transition is often detrimental! Mentally and physically.
Same as worry is huge negative in our lives. Just go with it role with it and whatever if it don't work out, it was an experience at the very least.

I know all about it, I worried for long enough. But honestly all of my worries where 100% exaggerated in my head
Nothing was as bad as I have made it out in my head

Hope this helps, if even a little,
hugs, Rachel

[4A-GZE]

Thanks, everyone! I feel much better today. I'm just hoping I'll get to see my therapist soon. She's been out of office for a few days so we haven't even been able to set up an appointment.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Carly,
   I might suggest to you something I did during my, 'what if I'm wrong stage.' I found it very clarifying to write in a journal. I did it from the perspective of male me  and female me talking. I know it might sound a bit weird but by doing it, I could argue a way forward from each perspective. It was less muddled, less confusing and I could really look at it as the arbiter to see which me had to strain to put together an argument  for their continuance. Which argument did I find myself emotionally pulling for. For me, as I progressed, one side was clearly the emotional favorite. My male side had one real argument, safety. It was safe to stay male. I decided that fear was not a good enough argument for living my life. I transitioned and am ecstatic with my new life. The male me is nothing but a shadow now. If you do this and things tip one way, it can tell you a lot. At the very least it is a good way to see both sides and allow each side to plead their case. I ended up doing this for quite a while until it became obvious it wasn't needed any more. I know some folks might try to make a list of benefits to each side, but I think in writing out the emotions it was way more useful. It might be useful to your therapist too. Actually, my journal kind of was therapy. Good luck!
Moni

[Donica]

I agree with Devlyn. I may have been wearing my mom's dresses at age 5 but that's too young to know why. In fact, I didn't think there was anything wrong with at the time. I didn't realize what it was until my mid teens. There are also people that never had any such experience at all but still can't shake the feeling that they may be trans. I hid it for many years until I knew in my heart this was right for me.

I guess my point is, If it's real, you will know in your heart, and after time, you may even become tired of suppressing your feelings. Don't let things worry you for now. You have all the time in the world to deal with this. Keep up with your therapist.

Hugs!
Donica.