Giving up

[Megansway]

So my wife and I have discussed my being a woman and becoming a woman through hrt. She doesn't want it and has said divorce is what will happen.

Ok that's fine...so now I'm trying to decide if I transition or give it up. I'm older, I have a wife, kids, career, family. And everyone knows me as a guy, beard and all.

But I'm tired. I'm tired of pleasing everyone at my cost.

I know this isn't the best approach but I'm thinking about telling her via cell phone. This does two things for me. It gives me control of my life and allows me to hang up when she starts going crazy on me.

This also means I won't be coming home to our house...which also means I am basically conceding the house to her. Quite frankly I'm fine with that.

I know I'm throwing money away and folks would say I should stay in the house but I can't. I can't face her or deal with her anger any more.

I do plan to be a part of my kids life, i do plan to help financially whether courts order it or not. It's the right thing to do

So..With my understanding of these consequences, is there anything else I need to consider here?

[Jessica]

Would your wife consider couples or individual therapy?
It may not change her decision, but she may have a better understanding of your needs.
Being on good terms whether you're together or not is crucial for the well-being of your children.
If your children are old enough to understand they may benefit from counseling as well.

Good luck, Jessica

[Northern Star Girl]

@Megansway    cc: @Jessica

You should read and seriously consider Jessica's advice in her response....  she has first hand knowledge of the issues involved in the concerns that you expressed. 

Also there are other members here on the forums that have are going through or have gone through these things ....   do a little searching and reading of others various threads and comment... you may get an idea of how their situations have been dealt with.

Wishing you well,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts,
Danielle

[Megansway]

Would your wife consider couples or individual therapy?
It may not change her decision, but she may have a better understanding of your needs.
Being on good terms whether you're together or not is crucial for the well-being of your children.
If your children are old enough to understand they may benefit from counseling as well.

Good luck, Jessica

she thinks therapists are all against her point of view and thus against her. We tried once and as soon as we met a few times and she decided it wasn't working for her. Basically if they don't agree with her they are a waste of time. So nope I don't think she would go again at this point in time.

If I moved out and said I'm doing it, that might change her mind..maybe if she isn't bluffing about  divorce.

I feel like this is a moment where I have to put all the chips on the table. And only way to do that is to leave and tell her I love her but I need to do this, and I want a life with her but based on what she has said to me I'm responding with understanding there is no hope of her and I continuing on. ( though I want to have a life with her, yet as a woman).

I can walk away from the house, I'll lose a lot of money but I'm of mind set money isn't everything.

So beyond losing house, and maybe some restrictions on seeing kids, what else could picking up and leaving cost me?

[MissyMay2.0]

I wouldn't do it over the phone, to me that's the equivalent of saying you're going out for ice cream, and never coming back! And if you do that she will probably never forgive you, so if she was semi bluffing, she may be totally committed to divorce at that point.  The aforementioned advice about a marriage counselor would probably be the best approach, and if things don't work out, then at least you tried, and maybe you could have an amicable separation. And you're right about money not being everything, but it's pretty darn important if you're going to transition; what would happen if you became unemployed after you transitioned?

[Chloe]

          And Megan you mention that your "older" so how old are your kids? In my state of Georgia at 14 it is kids who decide who they want to be with . . . so maybe you'll need the house after all? Do you think you'd be a better parent than her? It's not so much if your "transgender" but rather what you choose to actually do about it instead.

I was lucky . . . Same Judge that gave me "the house" (was in my name only to begin with) eventually gave me The Kids as well! So ANYTHING is possible don't just "give up all" so easily!

Does "ex-to-be" work? ( add/edit: if she indeed has "anger issues" perhaps she needs to be paying you support instead? Do not let her make this "all about you"!)

[lilcuddlymouse]

I do not have kids so I cannot know what you are going through, but I had a similar struggle with my wife a couple years ago. We are seperated now but still married mostly for her health insurance. I agree with everyone else that you should try to push for counseling if she is determined to get a divorce. You never know how vindictive your wife can be until you actually start the divorce proceedings. Divorce can get really expensive and I found out too late that I was not as financially fit as I would have liked before starting my transition once I moved out so I'm still working on getting rid of my facial hair a year into HRT which makes RLE impossible except for once a week when I have had just enough time for my skin to heal and just enough time to grow enough hair for the electrologist to work on.

[Megansway]

          And Megan you mention that your "older" so how old are your kids? In my state of Georgia at 14 it is kids who decide who they want to be with . . . so maybe you'll need the house after all? Do you think you'd be a better parent than her? It's not so much if your "transgender" but rather what you choose to actually do about it instead.

I was lucky . . . Same Judge that gave me "the house" (was in my name only to begin with) eventually gave me The Kids as well! So ANYTHING is possible don't just "give up all" so easily!

Does "ex-to-be" work? ( add/edit: if she indeed has "anger issues" perhaps she needs to be paying you support instead? Do not let her make this "all about you"!)

Hadn't considered that angle. I'm so tired of hiding and  I just don't want to fight with her or get screamed at or stuff thrown at me. She does have anger issues, no doubt about that. Yet she tries to be a good mom and I'm a good dad/mom. I wouldn't want to take kids from her but ya if they wanted to be with me that would be great too. The kids are teens.

[randim]

I don't think you can do it via phone.  Even if there is nothing to discuss, she deserves the respect to be told in person.  But..... there is usually *something* to discuss.  Maybe she would be amenable to a trial separation without starting divorce proceedings immediately.  Or maybe that's what you were thinking, I don't know.  But I don't think that I would lock the door before seeing how it felt to really live apart.  BTW, I'm in a not too dissimilar situation and wondering a lot if my marriage is going to hold up.  I really do feel your pain.  Good luck.

[Dena]

Before you do anything, talk to a lawyer. Also don't leave the house until the lawyer agrees as it could be considered abandonment. If you don't do this in an orderly fashion, you might lose both the children as well as future income.

Your wife sounds like she might not be reasonable and when dealing with a person who acts in this manner it's best to protect yourself as much as possible.

[Cindy]

I would also strongly suggest getting legal advice.

Sadly I have experienced many people on this site who have walked away from a spouse with the idea of giving up on the settlement of a divorce only to find themselves financially crippled and in an extremely bad situation.

Break ups and divorces happen. It is what it is but please don't just give up and then find that you are living on the streets with nothing to build a life on.

[Coffeedrew]

Here is me 26 and no kids and never had a wife and I am in the process of mtf transition.I decieded early on that I would not put people through that in my life.Here I am giving sugguestions about advice about something I have never done.So heres the first thing my dad always tells me and I feel it is pretty solid.Think about everyone who has to go through this.Put yourself in the wifes shoes and shes probably scared and upset.She probably has no idea how to explain this to herself and other people.Can you blame her?Shes loseing the bread winner/mascline person she married and probably feel like you lied to her.Shes not really sure who you are anymore.She also probably feels your selfish also.Just as she has feelings so do you and this is not all about her anymore.You know how you feel the best and I personally think you need to make yourself happy.What would make you want to wake up every morning smiling just knowing that you made the right choice.Even though lifes not perfect and there are negative consequences for making that choice.
I feel for you as a person who is transgendered and I know what it feels like to carry that burden.It's a mixture of happiness/saddness to figure out who you actually are.I would say therapy is a good idea as sugguested.I think you need to find a person who you can explain this to a third party and who can see both sides of this issue.Somebody needs to ask both of you the hard questions so you really think this thorugh.I seem to think thats the only way to reach a  mutual decision.I once had a lawyer tell me it was my fault as much as the other persons.

We are all human.

Love, Coffeedrew.

[Julie -2010]

I'm in a similar situation with my wife.  My wife is supportive to a point.  I have gone a lot of my life not living how I want to live.  I did this for my wife and kids because I love them and don't want to lose them.  Now that I'm older, I want to experience more of the way my life should be or I want it to be.  My wife also doesn't want to go to a councilor.  We had a big talk the other night and divorce was mentioned.  I want one path and she isn't sure if she can live with that path I want to follow.  I'm not sure I can change the path to much.  We have more struggle to come.

My advice is just really think about what you want and then for the kids and then the wife. You have to live the life that is going to make you happy.  Your kids deserve a loving parent and while you can't put your life on hold because of them, if they are younger they should be a big priority to make sure they are OK.  What does it matter if one of the parents is Trans.  I'm lucky that my kids are older and mostly on their own. 

I would get a plan on what your future may look like and sit down with your wife and explain and listen to her wants and fears.  Tell her that you love and want to be with her but you have to start going down the path that will make you happy.  That path may (will) make her unhappy a least of a while.  If she doesn't want to at least try to go down your path, you can't change someone. Only they can.  I would then start talking with her about how to end the marriage so that you are both OK with the decisions (not happy but OK with it).

Good luck  Julie

[CarlyMcx]

Megan, your wife screaming, throwing things, and manipulating you and herself away from therapists—those are all forms of abuse.

You really need to stop living in ugly compromise, both with her and with yourself, and get away from her even if you do not transition.  That is a reality you need to come to terms with as you fully realize who you truly are.

My wife is not abusive, but she always put her family (who are in a foreign country) first.  Everything was always about helping them, sending them goods and money.  It was clear a few years in to the marriage that she would always love them more than me, put them above me, and that I was pretty much a grunt or foot soldier in the effort to help them prosper.

I'm not complaining; they are good people and they care about me.  But I am making the point that I eventually realized that the only person in the world who would ever love me first and best was me.  In the end, transitioning improved our relationship, my business, and made me a better me.

You need to really take care of yourself and not be passive about it. 

My suggestion is, rather than just splitting, lawyer up first.  See a lawyer, pay a few bucks for a consult, and find out what is really likely to happen in a divorce.  Then, when you do confront her, you can do so with confidence and if she makes trouble you have some backup.

Hugs, Carly

[Kendra]

There's a common tendency to think of attorneys as a nuclear option, avoid unless the building is on fire.  But you get fire insurance while expecting you won't have to deal with a fire - it's a good idea just in case.  An attorney can open a door you don't have to walk through, but know you're not trapped.

[Donica]

Dear Megan!
I'm not sure if my experience is even relevant. So I would suggest following Dena's advice before going in. I went through a similar situation but with a different set of circumstances. My ex may have not known that I was transsexual, but she knew going in that I was trans-something (Years of cross-dressing) . And so did our kids at a very young age. That wasn't what destroyed our marriage, however it certainly was one of the straws on the camel's back. It was the lose of the house, due to circumstances beyond my control, that caused our separation which also caused a lot of anger and resentment between us. (Luckily before the lose, we managed to get the kids through high school an even so junior college.) We remained separated for 5 years before finally going through a divorce. During the 5 years of separation, we had to maintain a civil relationship for the kids and because there were still a few bill to keep up with. Over this 5 year period, most of the anger and resentment subsided so the divorce was in mutual agreement and filed out of court. We are still friend and communicate often. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that perhaps a trial separation may be a way to go? I hope this helps in some way. I'm sorry for babbling so long. Good luck.

Hugs,
Donica.

[Megansway]

Thanks for the replies I don't come on here often because of life, yet I have to share I've all but given up. I want to be with my wife, and I know I'm transgender. Lately I've been trying to make it all work. Give her the MAN she wants and find peace as her partner and mate. I think this becomes more important as I see our parents dealing with terminal illness, and frailty.

Edit:and I know maybe just coming on here to say this defeats me right now. I just don't know what to do. I feel as if I missed the boat like a real dummy. Best to keep,the cards I still have?

[Alice V]

I just don't know what to do. I feel as if I missed the boat like a real dummy. Best to keep,the cards I still have?

Nobody knows that. Every human, not only trans, meets such choices where their current and relatively comfort life confront their desires. And no one can tell what you should do. We only can share our own experience and provide our view on some issues. For me, I always did what I wanted and though I have some regrets I'll continue do what I want because otherwise I'll feel myself broken and destroyed. So I'd rather ruin my life by my own hands (what I actually almost done) with a chance to hit jackpot instead of let others decide who I am and what I should do.

But I'm single (and my attitude helps me to stay alone lol) and have almost no one to lose. I bet I'd sing another song if only I had wife and children.

[Rayna]

...I want to be with my wife, and I know I'm transgender. Lately I've been trying to make it all work. Give her the MAN she wants and find peace as her partner and mate. I think this becomes more important as I see our parents dealing with terminal illness, and frailty.

Edit:and I know maybe just coming on here to say this defeats me right now. I just don't know what to do. I feel as if I missed the boat like a real dummy. Best to keep,the cards I still have?

This is exactly the dilemma I am going through with my own wife right now. We have been separated for a couple of months, and during that time she has been growing stronger and more independent while living alone. It's been a positive, growthful time for both of us, but we both have tears when we contemplate a future without each other. We are in couples counseling, as well as individual counseling, so it's not settled yet. After 37-some years together, we have a lot invested, and as you say, contemplating growing old and frail alone is not attractive. We hope to at least remain friends and perhaps do outdoor activities and maybe even some travel together. The jackpot would be that we can find a way to live together while accommodating my crossdressing, but right now that is not possible.

Good luck as you work through this for yourselves.