Slowly

[LucyEgo]

Things are slowly clicking into place.

My mind is still thinking, "I've been a man for 40 years. I identify as a man. Im comfortable being a man. I accept my genitalia. I jump to the defence of other men when I hear something derogatory. Im happy for people to call me Mister, or Sir. I must be a man."

But it's somehow not enough. I dream of having womens parts. Everyday Im seeing my female self more and more. I put on my clothes and everything just felt right. I am transgender. I was praying to God and saying don't you think I'd rather be cisgender? Life would be so much easier if my brain matches my birth sex. But I am trans.

I think I came out to myself last night.

In the cold light of day my brain has taken over and is fighting against this. But I brought my womens clothing into work and showed a few people. Asked a few people if I could wear them and they all said yes. What an accepting bunch.

Lucy

[pamelatransuk]

Nice to see Lucy that you are sorting things out in your mind, that you reaching the point of self acceptance and that your work colleagues appreciate and support you. Congratulations on the last 2 days and hoping you have many more happy ones!

Hugs

Pamela

[Jessica]

This is wonderful Lucy!  You are very lucky to be able to be open at work!

Hugs and smiles, Jessica

[Northern Star Girl]

Things are slowly clicking into place.

My mind is still thinking, "I've been a man for 40 years. I identify as a man. Im comfortable being a man. I accept my genitalia. I jump to the defence of other men when I hear something derogatory. Im happy for people to call me Mister, or Sir. I must be a man."

But it's somehow not enough. I dream of having womens parts. Everyday Im seeing my female self more and more. I put on my clothes and everything just felt right. I am transgender. I was praying to God and saying don't you think I'd rather be cisgender? Life would be so much easier if my brain matches my birth sex. But I am trans.

I think I came out to myself last night.

In the cold light of day my brain has taken over and is fighting against this. But I brought my womens clothing into work and showed a few people. Asked a few people if I could wear them and they all said yes. What an accepting bunch.

Lucy

@LucyEgo
Dear Lucy:
This is wonderful news and certainly an exciting time for you as well.   "slowly" is definitely the right way for you to look at all of this in these very early stages that you are in.

I would suggest that if you continue on with the feelings that you have expressed that you perhaps should get together with a therapist to discuss all the issues...
... there are many issues that  you may not be aware of....   that is why having therapist assistance is so very important.

Keep us updated.
Thank you for posting and sharing your thoughts.
Hugs,
Danielle

[LucyEgo]

I wasn't quite brave enough to actually put the clothes on. Though people said they wouldn't have a problem which was wonderful. I don't know why Im not brave enough. I was able to wear my clothes at a friends house the once. That was nice, but I remember thinking, OK, now, what do I do?

All these thoughts start coming back, like, remembering back to school and how I really wanted to share my feelings and stuff and felt envious of girls. I think I had a hard time accepting that girls could hug other girls and I couldn't hug anybody.

Bit by bit. Little by little.

Thank you all.

Danielle, I am seeing a therapist at the moment and Im going through so much stuff. I really feel like I've been able to open up completely. So, Im really happy with that. The one thought that I had from my last session, and here's the conundrum, while I "don't know" I would be so upset if I couldn't explore this. It's something I want to do, something I need to do. I think there's a fight between my mind and my soul.

Next session next week. :-)

As a small aside, I look at other peoples stories, and how they're questioned prior to surgery or hormones for not wearing their identified gender's clothing. How in the hell is that fair? My concern might be that I would keep in "man mode" until I could comfortably pass as a woman. It's got to be so difficult for those of you going through this right now. And if I stay in man mode, I might be denied whatever I need.

Let's see how things go. Just typing that Im wondering if there's a whole load of internalised phobias.

Thank you all again.

Lucy

[LucyEgo]

Another thought... the fact I want to dress up at work, must prove that it's not a kink or a fetish. Right?

[Dena]

You should reconsider your desire to comfortably pass as a woman. Some people never pass, some people pass most of the time while others may pass but they can't see it in their own mind. You should concentrate on presenting the best image you can with the tools you have available and then when you want, present feminine. Often people don't notice or don't care so theres no reason to for you to delay when it's not going to make any difference.

[Allison S]

Aw that was so sweet to read you brought clothes you want to wear to work and everyone was accepting. That's such a genuine and innocent act... Thanks for sharing [emoji4]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[LucyEgo]

I looked in the mirror today. My beard stubble is showing. That's one reason I don't think could pass properly. It's not the fastest growing or the darkest, but it's enough to cast a shadow. It's enough to hold me in my tracks.

I'm trapped by my beard, my weight.... These are the two things that make me think I should just accept being a man.

I've now gone 180 and trying to see how I feel telling myself I'm a man. Seeing if I could get comfortable with my own body. Was this just a fad?

I realise that these sort of questions are quite common. I know im trans. Can anyone relate to this yoyo thinking?

Must dash because my body waxing kit has arrived

[Dena]

The non binary gender fluid or bi gender are possible. On the other hand, fear or doubt are strong forces and can temporary beat the trans feeling back into the corner. If the weight and beard are issues for now, start working on your weight loss as you will never regret it. You can also start on beard removal as that takes a long time and it's a real pain removing facial hair while presenting. As for passing, you never know what's possible until you try. Often HRT is enough to push you over the edge but for now you can do things that don't involve HRT and see if your comfortable with them.