How do you know if your partner is a ->-bleeped-<-?

[OliBoy]

I've been in a relationship with this guy for more than two years now, but there are certain things about how he interacts with me/other trans people that make me worried that he's interested in me solely because I'm trans.

To be honest, I've had my concerns for a while but was too swept away by the thought of a cis person being attracted   to me to pay too much attention to the red flags. Especially since he IDs as predominately gay - that felt affirming as a transmasculine person, because I thought it must mean that he saw me as a man. My concern now is that he sees me more as trans than anything else (as a trans man rather than a trans man, if that makes sense).

I had only really heard of ->-bleeped-<-s as being straight men who are interested in trans women. He definitely talks about wanting to hook up with trans women - but very rarely cis women - and looks at trans fetish stuff on the internet (think "chicks with dicks" and that sort of thing). Beyond dating two trans guys, he doesn't talk about trans men so much. Didn't think he was likely to be fetishising me being trans since I'm transmasculine, but I'm worried that's what's going on here 

In the past I've cut him some slack regarding this stuff because I wasn't sure if he was trans himself and just hadn't realised it yet, but he doesn't seem to have any interest in trans stuff beyond the sexual aspects. I don't know if his interest in me is reliant upon me being post-T/post-Op. I hope not, but I'm honestly not sure anymore.

We have some other problems in our relationship too. Not going into specific details here, but he doesn't always respect my boundaries and on occasion has said/done stuff that's set off my dysphoria quite badly. In terms of physical contact, I barely feel comfortable with him touching me anymore let alone anything else. That's clearly... not ideal in a relationship.

I'm seriously considering breaking up with him anyway in relation to those other issues, I just wanted to know if I'm justified in my concerns here. Fairly sure he has fetishistic tendencies towards trans women, but as a trans man I'm just like

[Devlyn]

Welcome to Susan's Place, Oliboy.

Everyone here knows I'm not a big fan of applying labels to people. Or judging them for their wants, desires, and values.

If the relationship isn't right for you, for whatever reason, get out of it.

I'm a ->-bleeped-<- by just about everyone on this site's terms. But I'm attracted to the inner strength of transgender people. We always make a big to-do here about gender being between the ears, not between the legs, so it's confusing to me why someone's sexual attraction becomes conflated with their gender attraction.

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Arianna Valentine]

I've been in a relationship with this guy for more than two years now, but there are certain things about how he interacts with me/other trans people that make me worried that he's interested in me solely because I'm trans.

To be honest, I've had my concerns for a while but was too swept away by the thought of a cis person being attracted   to me to pay too much attention to the red flags. Especially since he IDs as predominately gay - that felt affirming as a transmasculine person, because I thought it must mean that he saw me as a man. My concern now is that he sees me more as trans than anything else (as a trans man rather than a trans man, if that makes sense).

I had only really heard of ->-bleeped-<-s as being straight men who are interested in trans women. He definitely talks about wanting to hook up with trans women - but very rarely cis women - and looks at trans fetish stuff on the internet (think "chicks with dicks" and that sort of thing). Beyond dating two trans guys, he doesn't talk about trans men so much. Didn't think he was likely to be fetishising me being trans since I'm transmasculine, but I'm worried that's what's going on here 

In the past I've cut him some slack regarding this stuff because I wasn't sure if he was trans himself and just hadn't realised it yet, but he doesn't seem to have any interest in trans stuff beyond the sexual aspects. I don't know if his interest in me is reliant upon me being post-T/post-Op. I hope not, but I'm honestly not sure anymore.

We have some other problems in our relationship too. Not going into specific details here, but he doesn't always respect my boundaries and on occasion has said/done stuff that's set off my dysphoria quite badly. In terms of physical contact, I barely feel comfortable with him touching me anymore let alone anything else. That's clearly... not ideal in a relationship.

I'm seriously considering breaking up with him anyway in relation to those other issues, I just wanted to know if I'm justified in my concerns here. Fairly sure he has fetishistic tendencies towards trans women, but as a trans man I'm just like

I think that your concerns are completely Justified and you really need to do what makes you happy and it doesn't seem like you really does so I know you know being with us this person supposed to make you feel better me honestly I just started dating a female to male transgender and I'm male to female transgender and we have the greatest time together he respect me in every way and it makes me happy that he does respect me so happy that when I was telling him how much I loved our date today we went on a picnic that I started tearing up from being so happy

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[StacyRenee]

For me, the defining characteristic that makes me consider someone a ->-bleeped-<- is whether or not they're embarrassed to be seen in public with me. If someone doesn't want to go on a date in public, i.e. having dinner, holding hands, etc. Then it seems it's only that they are interested in sex.

I have heard the term trans-amorous. To me that is more of an attraction to someone that's trans. Kinda like a preference, like "I like tall blondes" or "I like thick women" or "I like muscular men". But if there is no interest in a trans person beyond sex, then that's the only attraction for them. They don't want to do anything but have sex all the time, that seems fetishistic.

When I was exploring my sexuality as part of exploring my identity, I didn't care. But I still have three guys that text me from time to time. But they just want to get together for sex. Booty calls (or booty texts in my case) tells me that they're ashamed to be seen with me in public. That seems more like a fetish to me.

Hope this helps. Just my two cents worth.

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[krobinson103]

For me, the defining characteristic that makes me consider someone a ->-bleeped-<- is whether or not they're embarrassed to be seen in public with me. If someone doesn't want to go on a date in public, i.e. having dinner, holding hands, etc. Then it seems it's only that they are interested in sex.

I have heard the term trans-amorous. To me that is more of an attraction to someone that's trans. Kinda like a preference, like "I like tall blondes" or "I like thick women" or "I like muscular men". But if there is no interest in a trans person beyond sex, then that's the only attraction for them. They don't want to do anything but have sex all the time, that seems fetishistic.

When I was exploring my sexuality as part of exploring my identity, I didn't care. But I still have three guys that text me from time to time. But they just want to get together for sex. Booty calls (or booty texts in my case) tells me that they're ashamed to be seen with me in public. That seems more like a fetish to me.

Hope this helps. Just my two cents worth.

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How is that any different from gay men in the closet just wanting other gay men for sex? I've met and ... enjoyed ... plenty of them. Its just a matter of what you want at that time.

[Megan.]

Welcome to Susan's Place, Oliboy.

Everyone here knows I'm not a big fan of applying labels to people. Or judging them for their wants, desires, and values.

If the relationship isn't right for you, for whatever reason, get out of it.

I'm a ->-bleeped-<- by just about everyone on this site's terms. But I'm attracted to the inner strength of transgender people. We always make a big to-do here about gender being between the ears, not between the legs, so it's confusing to me why someone's sexual attraction becomes conflated with their gender attraction.

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

This is an interesting topic to me, especially as Devlyn is my partner and she is happy and comfortable expressing her attractions.

I don't see any harm at all if there's perhaps a sexual attraction based on the other parties gender identity. People find other people attractive for countless reasons. It was Devlyn's attitude, outlook and humor that initially attracted me.

So no harm if it's a component of a relationship, but if it's the sole basis, then I might have some concerns. Just my view [emoji4]. X

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[Sonja]

There's nothing wrong with people having a strong attraction to transgender people (->-bleeped-<-? - maybe but if a person also happens to really like you then what's wrong with that?), but as has been pointed out, if a person wouldn't want to be seen with you in public thats calling it out for something else, I don't necessarily think that is fetishism, there are plenty of guys out there using cis-girls for sex and they can't be bothered taking them out for dinner either. A sexual preference can not be the sole basis of a relationship.  Most people have a preference in some way or another, as trans become more widely known and accepted in society it will become more common for people to have a preference regarding transgender people.

to the OP, from your post its clear there are other issues in your relationship that are not working.

Sonja.

[Ryuichi13]

I agree with Sonja.  It seems to me that you have more problems than your SO potentially being a "->-bleeped-<-."

Ask yourself these questions: 

1.) Is he saying things that cause you dysphoria deliberately or simply out of ignorance?

2.) Does he take you out in public and is he proud to be with you, or does he hide you away like a dirty little secret?

3.) Most importantly, how do you feel when you're with him?  Do you have your guard up, or can you be open and honest with him?

There are more questions I could add to this, but it sounds like maybe its time you sit down and write out the Pros and Cons of being with him.  Chances are, if your Cons outweigh your Pros, you might want to sit down with yourself and figure out is it worth being with someone that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Many people have things about someone they're with or want to be with that that they find attractive.  For example, some people like large breasts, muscles, blond hair, or certain ethnicities.  They don't really count as "fetishes," they are more like "preferences."

I've given you a few suggestions, but maybe the best thing would be if the two of you talk out your problems/fears/etc.  Sounds like its time you two sit down and have a honest conversation.

Whatever suggestion that you choose to do that's been made by everyone, I hope it works out for you.  Either way, it doesn't sound like you're very happy in this relationship. 

Ryuichi

[StacyRenee]

How is that any different from gay men in the closet just wanting other gay men for sex? I've met and ... enjoyed ... plenty of them. Its just a matter of what you want at that time.

I guess someone could be trans-amorous and be in the closet. But that doesn't make for a good relationship.

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