The monkey on my back

[CHRIS129]

I do not have problem, nothing to see here move along.  But yet here I am writing on this forum.  It is the monkey on my back that I cannot seem to shake.  It has been there since I was small, about 6 years old, when I first remember thinking of it near, but too far away to see but, I knew it was there lurking just beyond sight.  My story is similar to many I have heard before.  I do not really have a problem.  There is nothing wrong with a little boy who prays every night to wake up as a little girl and then starts dressing in his sisters clothes up through puberty.  Nothing to see here move along.

There is nothing wrong with hiding this monkey on my back for all these years, pretending it is not there and at the same time wishing it was here with me.  There is nothing wrong with seeing a beautiful woman and wishing not to be with her, but to be her, nothing wrong there, or imagining to be the woman in every spare moment imaging your life as it might be.

Perhaps it will go away when I turn 20 years old, I once thought?  Can I sneak some hormones from some where and releave the confusion?  No, I love a girl and wish to have a family and be a good father and do the right thing.  But then there is that monkey sitting there who will not go away.  How selfish I am, or am I?  Maybe it will be gone when I am 30 or perhaps 40?,  Then eveything will be okay.  I venture through different relashionships, that never seem to work quite right for the monkey that is always there.  I have moments of telling my self that everything is good and now I can move forward, but Like a herion addict I look back to the monkey and once again embrace it only that one last time, jumping into un-reality as a woman with a man for as long as I can be.

When I embrace my other self, relief rushes in to the rescue and I remain in this state for as long as I am able for fear of being discovered.  I am now past 50 and I know it will never leave, the monkey I mean sitting on my back.  But I am normal and there is nothing really to see here.

I tried some hormones in the past and felt at peace, I felt at home, but my other self came crushing in screaming "what are you doing? all will be lost, get back out of sight, go back to hide! what were you thinking!" so I say to you all: there is nothing here to see please move along. 

To all you out there I admire your courage and strength. Just thought I wanted to give some thoughts that I go
through everyday and perhaps it will make me feel better to communicate it here.  I know I will never have the courage I see here to risk losing what I value the most but I thought it might be nice to talk about/write about
Cheers

[Northern Star Girl]

@CHRIS129
Dear CHRIS   .
I see that you became a member way back on February 06,2017 over a year and a half ago.  You were given a welcome message to your very first posting on another thread by
our member @Jacqueline  and in her message she included important information and LINKS about Susan's Place and the Forums.

I am glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your postings with other members here on the various threads on the Forums.

I thank you for finally coming here to the INTRODUCTIONS FORUM to introduce yourself to other members here.  I am thinking that based on your detailed Introductions Post that you may lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
 
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation..

Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 
I have included again for your convenience the Important LINKS that our member @Jacqueline had sent to you way back in early 2017.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Mikaela]

I do not have problem, nothing to see here move along.  But yet here I am writing on this forum.  It is the monkey on my back that I cannot seem to shake.  It has been there since I was small, about 6 years old, when I first remember thinking of it near, but too far away to see but, I knew it was there lurking just beyond sight.  My story is similar to many I have heard before.  I do not really have a problem.  There is nothing wrong with a little boy who prays every night to wake up as a little girl and then starts dressing in his sisters clothes up through puberty.  Nothing to see here move along.

There is nothing wrong with hiding this monkey on my back for all these years, pretending it is not there and at the same time wishing it was here with me.  There is nothing wrong with seeing a beautiful woman and wishing not to be with her, but to be her, nothing wrong there, or imagining to be the woman in every spare moment imaging your life as it might be.

Perhaps it will go away when I turn 20 years old, I once thought?  Can I sneak some hormones from some where and releave the confusion?  No, I love a girl and wish to have a family and be a good father and do the right thing.  But then there is that monkey sitting there who will not go away.  How selfish I am, or am I?  Maybe it will be gone when I am 30 or perhaps 40?,  Then eveything will be okay.  I venture through different relashionships, that never seem to work quite right for the monkey that is always there.  I have moments of telling my self that everything is good and now I can move forward, but Like a herion addict I look back to the monkey and once again embrace it only that one last time, jumping into un-reality as a woman with a man for as long as I can be.

When I embrace my other self, relief rushes in to the rescue and I remain in this state for as long as I am able for fear of being discovered.  I am now past 50 and I know it will never leave, the monkey I mean sitting on my back.  But I am normal and there is nothing really to see here.

I tried some hormones in the past and felt at peace, I felt at home, but my other self came crushing in screaming "what are you doing? all will be lost, get back out of sight, go back to hide! what were you thinking!" so I say to you all: there is nothing here to see please move along. 

To all you out there I admire your courage and strength. Just thought I wanted to give some thoughts that I go
through everyday and perhaps it will make me feel better to communicate it here.  I know I will never have the courage I see here to risk losing what I value the most but I thought it might be nice to talk about/write about
Cheers

Thank you for your share.

CS Lewis writes about a monkey on the back of one of his characters (although he doesn't use the word 'monkey'. In his story, when he finally decided to slay the monkey, it turns into a mighty steed which carries him into heaven.

Perhaps someday you'll transform that monkey, that persistent, troublesome pest, into a source of power and joy that takes you into realms never dreamed.

Peace...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Kirsteneklund7]

Chris129 how did you find out all about MY life!!?. That is a classic post - everything there in a nutshell!!
PS Why don't you go HRT long term at least the monkey will leave you alone(mostly).
Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Janes Groove]

Have you considered a new metaphor?

A monkey on your back implies that being transgender is akin to being a drug addict.  I actually attended 12 step Sexaholic meetings back in the 90s where rooms full of people were sharing a similiar mind set.  I attended a few meetings and figured out that it was all basically shame-based and really wasn't for me and I ultimately rejected their ideas.  I have since discovered that groups like that are peopled mostly by religiously-motivated prejudices against transgender people.
I'm going to say something to you now that you may find pretty outlandish:

There is nothing wrong with you. You were born this way.

[CHRIS129]

I do  not mean to offend.  I only wanted to express my frustration with this and that I now understand it does not go away.  I have never tried herion, but imagine this is what it must feel like. Alcohol is a drug and I think I drink more than I should to suppress/numb  my feelings. Once again,  I admire those that have moved forward on the transgender issue  and thought that expressing my feelings might help me at least lower my anxiety and help me digest what I have held (and continue to hold) secret for so long.

[Danielle Kristina]

I do  not mean to offend.  I only wanted to express my frustration with this and that I now understand it does not go away.  I have never tried herion, but imagine this is what it must feel like. Alcohol is a drug and I think I drink more than I should to suppress/numb  my feelings. Once again,  I admire those that have moved forward on the transgender issue  and thought that expressing my feelings might help me at least lower my anxiety and help me digest what I have held (and continue to hold) secret for so long.

Let me say that I understand completely what you mean.  I wanted so badly for this to go away.  As much as I have wished I were a cisgendered woman, I tried so hard not to be a transgender female.  Yet here I am.  After 37 years of trying to be a man Danielle came roaring out full steam, and now I know she's here for good.  I still present as a male when I leave the house, but each day I'm taking steps to live authentically.  I found that I just can't fight this anymore.  I was born transgender, I am transgender, and I will always be transgender.  It is what it is.

Whether you transition or not is completely up to you.  Only you can decide that.  If you don't have a gender therapist, then I would strongly suggest seeing one, at least for one session.  When you talk to someone educated on the subject he or she can help you identify your feelings, help you see what those feelings mean, and help you decide how busy to address them.  I wish you all the best in your journey.  And as Alaskan Danielle said, you're in the right place.  Susan's has been an invaluable resource for me in my journey!

[V M]

Hi Chris 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Janes Groove]

No offense taken. I want you to be happy and not experience the mistakes I have made.
And welcome to Susans.

Also, I'm glad you never tried heroin.