Hello, I guess.
I don't like my name, so you can call me Vesh, it's my nick
English isn't my native, so please don't mind if I say something wrong
I don't know where to start. It was always somewhere at corner of my mind that I should be something different, though in childhood I didn't know what exactly I felt, and then there was a lot of other problems, so exploring gender issues never was a priority for me. Now it's time when I can stop and think and I meet people who triggers that issues to me.
Most of times I was alone against my problems, and now I don't know how to approach to that community, where to begin, where to go and what should I do with all this. For start I just decided to say "Hello"
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Upd from 23.08.2018
I decided to edit this post according to new circumstances. Here's mine detailed story. But before I start I must to warn you. First. Mostly it isn't about LGBT stuff, just common life difficulties though it made its impact on my current state. Second. I've done many things I'm not proud of. It was road of fury and path full of mistakes. You'll discover I'm selfish egocentric bitch and brought most of my problems by myself. But hey I have my reasons and I forgive myself, hopefully you'll do the same. Third. I also don't actually remember many things and can mess with order of events, but I'm sure it doesn't matter.Childhood.I'll start from statement: I was stupid child.
I was born in Moscow, but moved in Kazakhstan before I even remember. I lived there until 4 yo, then I moved to relatively small city in Russia. My father wanna me stay in Karaganda but mother was unstoppable stubborn and brought me back to Russia. Soon after that they broke their relationships and I stayed with mother.
I don't receive any attention except when I did something wrong - then I was physically punished. I was terrified by her. Very rarely I spoke with her, I didn't trust her. I don't remember any positive example of our relationships except once I slept in her bed when saw nightmare. When my grangranmother died and granny moved to Estonia I closed myself almost entirely.
Though I still had to communicate with my fellow boys and girls, I didn't enjoy it much. With girls I felt myself in safety and there was friendly athmosphere. With boys it was just for survival. You can read more in my post here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,239664.msg2167113.html#msg2167113After my 11 yo we start travel from town to town in attempt to move into Moscow. I get used to lose people and don't make close relationships. I start to feeling loneliness. And at this point I knew exactly something wrong with me.
Rebellion"At thirteen I've started down this path
Fueled with anger, music was my wrath"©Megadeth
[/i]
Though I wasn't musician, rest fits me. At this age my fear of mother converts into anger. I could've explode by every damn sneeze. We started to fight with mom and she did worse thing she even can did - she tried to supress me with her age authority. I yell, break stuff, ran from home. When I heard she cry I came back and we had peaceful coexistance for few week than fights started again. Being beaten but her new boyfriend didn't help with situation. From start, I tried to look for help from few of my friends, but we was just kids, so parents was against my living with them and working for them in any way.
There was positive moment. Where we moved to Moscow's satellite city I've met my best friend. He showed me world of virtual reality - games and internet. I've already developed somewhere feelings that I should be girl instead of boy, and soon I sink in virtuality expressing myself. I found forum with fiction thematic, mostly about Harry Potter with some of LotR and etc. Mostly it was inhabitate by girls, we spend a lot of time talking, playing role-playing games and building family tree.
I started to skip my classes. Soon it brings our family wars at new level, my anger raises. In late teen age it also appeared that since my birth I was in debts with my country. Every boy MUST pass through military. I've heard a lot of bad things about russian army. Many people was bullied to suicide. People there don't trained like soldiers, they just waisting their time, degrading and do stupid things. So I've gone enraged and decided to evade this but failed to gain delay from university, and for that I should've live not in my home and work without proper documentation. Mother didn't approve this.
I charmed one girl and moved to her town, though photoes wasn't clear and what I seen didn't match even my wide standarts so I cowardly leave (months later I brought her my appologizes, the only thing I could do). I went North to Petrozavodsk in Karelia - there was my named sister from forum (and in this case there wasn't any romantic stuff), she and her father didn't judge me. But accidentely her granny came and she convince her father to get rid of me. Totally understandable, it was illegal to provide me sanctuary. I realise I have no money when left, and I tried to walk on my feet to Moscow. That was start or end of winter with bad weather so I got bronchitus. There also was wild dogs somewhere - I heard them. So, armed with stick, I struggle to catch car passing by, but nobody cared. At second day one family stopped and brought me to Moscow District. They saved my life.
After that I successfully enrolled into university to gain delay from military. But I found education boring and I consider nobody as authority to convince me study well, so I left it with another fight with mother. This time I decided to escape from military by pretending I have mental problems and I cut myself. Only when I found myself in asylum I realise what I've done. I kept low profile, and after 2 weeks they let me go with restricted dismissal from military (they still can call for me if war starts but otherwise I free; they could've mark me as mental diseased and it can ruin rest life, so I appreciated).
Somewhere in that time I reveal my feelings about my gender to few of my friends; I don't have them as friends anymore. I was convinced that I should be a man, find a babe, have good sex and it supposed to relax me. I've tried, but it ended up as I decide to not have relationships at all, not sexual nor emotional. But I still agreed that all this trans stuff (I didn't knew about transgenders at all at this stage) could be just my imagination and I decide give it some time. If you think I learned something you wrong. I continue to sink into virtuality where I could be a girl, I refuse to study (though enrolled two times) and express my rage to reality. Instead I found job to pay for virtual life. It seems stable, but hey, it's me. I found a little crowd of anime fans who also ran anime-parties in clubs and started to work with them. There I've met bad company. For year I ran on amphetamines (please don't do this it awful even if I didn't know this back then). Once I didn't slept for 12 days. Somewhere in middle I had another fight with mom and again tried to leave home, but my salary wasn't enough to pay rent. After 6 month of drugs and homeless life I came back totally devastated, betrayed, humiliated and broken.
I walked this path of mistakes fueled with my rage and with nobody to point me right direction because I respected nobody. I'm not proud. But that's my reason to be angry, selfish, egocentic bitch. Deal with it. I also found determinism theory fits me - it was my defence against feeling of guilt and desperation raised in me with every burst of uncontrolled anger and every huge mistake. It helps me forgive myself because I cannot made another choices, I was born to do what I've done. And though I forgive myself, I still consider there is no point in life; but there's no sense in suicide too because I can do it at any moment. And I decide to take a break from this furious run, gather my strength and look for sense.AdultSince then starts last era of my life for this moment. My anger burned out, my ambitious ruined, my wish to live faded. I started to rebuild my life. I found myself grateful for my mother harsh support - even though she did nothing to upbring me she taught me the courage to stand my ground, make my own opinion and decisions, and she always let me came back when I failed to live without her. Though I still don't trust her and consider she's bad mother I respect her and, maybe, love (I actually don't know that feeling). Yeah, I still live with my mother. We depend from each other, at least in financial matter.
I work as tech support engineer. I'm coordinating process of solving issues between different departments, some of issues I solving by myself. It's me and my colleagues decide if problem solved or someone did something wrong and it still requiering attention. Sometimes I have to stand my ground against people with superior position because of my decision that problem not solved (in my department we can send others satisfy themselves if we need). But after merge there's a lot of stress and too low salary to keep myself motivated.
I started to keep an eye on politics. Things in my country are bad. At least, from my perspective. After Soviets was ruined, criminals made their fortune and now ruling our country. They destroy almost all production (USSR was self-dependant, and now we meet economic crisis if oil changed it price), drain every last money from common people and supress freedoms in any forms. You can find yourself in jail because accident. They put bloggers under investigation due harmless joke repost picture they put on their pages years ago and place their name in same list where people exploding trains are. Having your own opinion almost crime here. We have no democracy but dictatorship and tyrany. Our church is broken and corrupting it's parish instead of providing spiritual guidance. All of it puts a lot of stress too. Not that I'm religious but people must have their damn consience. And government with support from church approving propaganda against LGBT.
I also decide to fix some mistakes and trying to get my way into college. I failed it last year and probably I'll fail it in this year. But I stubborn and now I have backup plan to hire private teacher from college I wanna be enrolled. Now I wanna study for myself and not for delaying military or mother's wishes, and if I will succeed I'll become doc.
But at some point I stopped and think. And I realise that: I always was weird, I want to be woman and time didn't cured it (relationships with girls too). If you still here, you probably noticed that I mention gender issues briefly in past. Well, now it fills almost all of my mind and makes me cry. I read stories about people who made their transition and I so happy for them but also I so envy and desperate because I wanna the same.
