Quote from: Karen on August 16, 2018, 07:21:33 PM
Hi there...
"I always felt different"; "I related more to girls"; "I was always more sensitive and feminine"; "I tried on my sisters clothes"; "I grew up in a homophobic community"; "I suppressed my feminine feelings".....
Many of us have shared these experiences and feelings, and many of us have had the light bulb clicked on later on in life with the feeling of a lightning storm or dam breaking.
Even with clear gender dysphoria and acceptance of transgender...and small transition steps, still the questions come up periodically...am I really female inside"; "am I delirious and have I just created a crazy dream or wish"...
Do others have shared experience with this doubt and uncertainty? How do you or did you make sense of it?
I always appreciate everyone's experience and perspective.
Hugs
Karen
PS for me part of this is the contrast of desire and knowing how I feel vs fear of what it might mean and making a mistake.
Karen, I think most of us have what I call "WTF moments", when we wonder if we are on the right track or if we are making a huge mistake. It comes from a couple of places.
One source is that transitioning is so much work and such a big social disruption. It is easy to think that it would all be so much easier if we didn't transition. And it
would be easier. "Easier" is what I have done all my life. But "easier" hurt so much!
The other source is the lack of certainty. We doubt that we really "feel like a woman", because we don't know what that means. Here's a tip: no one else knows what it means either! Even cis women can't tell you what "being a woman" feels like. They can only tell you what
they feel like and call it "feeling like a woman".
There is no finish line that we have to reach, no passing grade that we have to achieve. You can only keep going in whatever direction minimizes your pain and maximizes your happiness, while minimizing casualties along the way.
Last weekend, a friend asked me how my transition was going. I filled her in on my progress and then summed it up with, "After 60 years, I finally get to be myself!" It brought a tear to her eyes, and mine too. But that, in reality is what this is about. It is not about meeting some arbitrary standard. Am I pretty enough?, are my boobs big enough?, do I have the right bits?, do I think the right thoughts?, all are distractions from the true goal: to be one's true self.
My WTF moments are less common now. When they come up, I can quickly defuse them by asking myself, "Am I happier now?"