Making sense... dreaming vs wishing vs feeling vs knowing you are female inside

[amandam]

I too have doubts. I was growing out my hair, and recently cut it. Is transition for me? Maybe. But not yet. I'm still peeling back the layers. Can I manage to have a decent life and not transition? We'll see. I'm trying to remember what my therapist said, go down the path, and you can stop or not stop anywhere you want.

[KathyLauren]

OMG!! All my life I thought I was "sick" and the only person in the world to feel this way. Then I found my therapist and this web site. I'm 66 and do not know what my destination will be. Should I start HRT? Should I continue to hide these feelings? Will the depression ever go away? Will my grand-kids accept me if they find out that I am TG?  Is there a line that I should not cross with my wife?

Hi, Joanne!

Some of these questions, the "should I" ones, what your destination will be, ony you can answer with the help of your therapist.

If depression is caused by dysphoria, it will likely go away when the dysphoria is gone.  On the other hand, if there are other causes, including biochemical, it may need treatment separately.

Will grandkids (or any family) accept you?  That could go either way.

How to work things out with your wife? ... Well, that is something you and she will need to negotiate.  Some spouses are accepting and supportive, some are reluctant, and some will not tolerate transition.  You will have a better idea of that than we will.  But there are lots of people on the forum with relevant experience, both happy and otherwise, so don't hesitate to pick their/our brains.

You are in good company here.  There are lots of us "senior" transitioners, in our 50s, 60s, and even 70s.  I am 63.

[Karen]

Hi there...

"I always felt different"; "I related more to girls"; "I was always more sensitive and feminine"; "I tried on my sisters clothes"; "I grew up in a homophobic community"; "I suppressed my feminine feelings".....

Many of us have shared these experiences and feelings, and many of us have had the light bulb clicked on later on in life with the feeling of a lightning storm or dam breaking.

Even with clear gender dysphoria and acceptance of transgender...and small transition steps, still the questions come up periodically...am I really female inside"; "am I delirious and have I just created a crazy dream or wish"...

Do others have shared experience with this doubt and uncertainty?   How do you or did you make sense of it?

I always appreciate everyone's experience and perspective. 

Hugs

Karen

PS for me part of this is the contrast of desire and knowing how I feel vs fear of what it might mean and making a mistake.

Wow.  I really love everyone's engagement and openness on this topic.  It helps me understand my feelings and feel normal. 

Bring the original post forward in hopes you all continue to share.

Thanks

Karen

[Katie Jade]

What does "low dose hormones" mean?

Joanne, sorry I didn't respnd earlier - try this thread as it has good links on it;

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=221632.0

Hugz n Love

Katie

[Danielle Kristina]

Danielle , I believe it doesn't matter if we want to be a woman or we have a solid conviction that we have always been one. There have been successful transitions of both types. Some people are able to just jump off the cliff and go for it. Others have to test the water bit by bit. I think if you aren't meant to transition trial by exploration will make it apparent. Also trialling step by step can reveal transition is the best thing we could have ever done.
  Now I just need someone to tell me if I should go for gold or not !
Kirsten X.

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Kristen, I'm taking my transition one baby step at a time.  I find the more steps I take, the more I want to take.  In truth, the steps I'm taking are things I've always wanted to do, like pierce my ears, wear panties full time, and allow my femininity out rather than repress it.  The trouble I have is that I've lived as a male for so long that it's hard to let go of my masculinity.  I know I'm not non-binary because I'd transition fully today and never look back if that were possible, but since I can't I'm taking things slowly.  I've always believed that at least some part of me is female even if not the whole me.  On the other hand, perhaps I'm fully female but since I've lived my entire life as a male it's all I know.  Still, like you said, it doesn't really matter.  I'm transgender and I know it, and my transition is all about becoming who I really am but have always repressed.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Wow Danielle,
That's very much like I feel to! I'm really hoping HRT will allow passable female presentation. I would love to be able to pass in public. Im not sure how I would go living as a woman full time but I would love people to see me as a woman and work it out from there. Hopefully I can pass in the end & go full time.
I'm looking forward to seeing how your transition unfolds!
Wishing you the best with everything, Kirsten.

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[Katie Jade]

Dear Kirsteneklund7
Actually if your avatar is even remotely like you then you don't need to worry. Passing is too emphasised, in reality and if  they see you as female in first 3 secs they don't change their mind. Otherwise, then you are Trans and why are you hiding from that. Many sisters will never 'pass' but will still live a meaningful and loved life. Passing isn't the holy grail, being happy with yourself is, nothing else, as the world is quick to criticise or praise and quick to forget. We have very limited time here, please please please do not waste it ever on self doubt. It doesn't matter what others think of you, it matters what you think of yourself. Progress and be happy - people will see a happy person first..

Luv n Hugz

Katie

[Kirsteneklund7]

Thank you so much Katie.!
My avatar is broadly similar to my normal face. It is me through a couple of filters. I have quite a square masculine jaw. I don't pass but hope to. Your advice of not wasting time on uncertainty is so true ! I friend of mine who had cancer and died said " You don't regret what you do in life - you regret the things you didn't do."
So I plan to make the most of everything including being trans.Im on HRT -I do need more work on makeup and voice - so that will be a focus. You are right I'm not going to let uncertainty stop me.
Nice hearing from you,
                                         Kirsten.

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[pamelatransuk]

Dear Danielle, Kirsten and Katie

I think the three of us are at similar points in our journey having accepted and started taking positive action. I just wish to say that I agree with all your comments. To hell with fears and doubts! I wish you all happiness on your journeys!

Wow what a lot of new posts in the last 48 hours on HRT Board - usually there is a dearth of posts there - I shall have to get reading. My favourite Boards are Transgender Talk and HRT as you may have realized.


Dear Karen

I have already replied at comment 11 but I'm sure you will get more comments and advice. Thank you for starting this interesting thread.

Hugs to all

Pamela

[Karen]

Kristen, I'm taking my transition one baby step at a time.  I find the more steps I take, the more I want to take.  In truth, the steps I'm taking are things I've always wanted to do, like pierce my ears, wear panties full time, and allow my femininity out rather than repress it.  The trouble I have is that I've lived as a male for so long that it's hard to let go of my masculinity.  I know I'm not non-binary because I'd transition fully today and never look back if that were possible, but since I can't I'm taking things slowly.  I've always believed that at least some part of me is female even if not the whole me.  On the other hand, perhaps I'm fully female but since I've lived my entire life as a male it's all I know.  Still, like you said, it doesn't really matter.  I'm transgender and I know it, and my transition is all about becoming who I really am but have always repressed.

You are helping me understand my self!   

I can so relate to your situation and approach.    I am finding baby steps helps me manage my anxiety while still acknowledging and moving forward toward my real me.   When I look back over the last year, it is remarkable the road that has already been traveled...hair removal, some clothing and make up integrated in my life, HRT - T blockers, therapists, etc.   It adds up, and I don't think I could go backwards without incredible amounts of stress and regret. 

Thanks!

Karen