Sexually inflexible

GwenFTW · August 17, 2018, 11:29:57 AM

You are married to someone who wants to try to stay together through your transition. However, this person is sexually uninterested with your body after transitioning. You are in your thirties.

Would you stay with them and why?

KathyLauren · August 17, 2018, 11:39:02 AM

My wife lost interest in sex 10 years before I transitioned, for normal age-related reasons. I stayed with her because we were married and I still loved her. Then I transitioned, and she stayed with me because we were married and she still loved me.

My sexual orientation appears to be asexual with lesbian tendencies. The asexual part may be why not having sex any more wasn't a huge deal to me. But this happens for natural as well as transitional reasons, so it is something that many couples have to deal with.

GwenFTW · August 17, 2018, 11:48:46 AM

Updated the question with my age, as you've made it relevant.

Devlyn · August 17, 2018, 12:28:03 PM

Well, if sex is a prerequisite to a relationship for you, there really isn't a choice, is there?

Sylvia · August 17, 2018, 12:42:40 PM

This is an interesting question for me as a SO whose partner is 3 months into HRT. We are much older (I'm nearly 60) but we still have a good sex life, so it IS important to us. The sexual attraction part is very relevant to the partner, many of us say we can't suddenly become lesbians if we just aren't! We married men. At least we thought we did! Of course, sex isn't important to everyone and love and companionship is enough. But as you are in your 30s it may be a bit different, and we all have our needs. Some people choose to be polyamorous. Myself, I am trying to adapt, but my partner hasn't changed that much yet, apart from a bit of boob growth. I don't find them at all attractive, but am not repulsed either - I seem them as part of him now. However, he still presents male, uses male pronouns and has no intention of coming out or for full transition. Maybe if his body changed too much, I couldn't deal with it. But I would certainly try to adapt as much as possible.
It all really depends on you and your wife and what you want out of life, and what your relationship is like. Maybe with time, she could learn to adapt? I've surprised myself (and him!) with how accepting I am being. A few months ago I told him I'd be out of the door if he transitioned.
Feel free to PM me, or your wife can, I'd be happy to talk.
Syl

confusedfairy · September 01, 2018, 11:39:42 PM

My spouse had expressed a disinterest in sex that she thought might well be long term for a while, and this was without HRT to contribute to things. I'm 37 at present and I must admit this did give me pause. While she did develop an interest in sex again, I'm really not sure what I would have done with a permanent lack of sex drive. That said, there are many things I will never know, as her personality changed, and with it, our marriage unraveled.

During this time I asked her to please work with her therapist on building back her sex drive/ figuring out whether she could ever see herself enjoying sex with me again, and she seemed annoyed by this idea. Ah well. Her sex drive has returned, but so many other issues have not been resolved that the point is now moot.

I'd like to think in a healthier marriage, some happy compromise would be reached with regards to sex. Unfortunately I cannot speak from experience on this.

Rayna · September 08, 2018, 04:21:30 PM

I hope this isn't TMI, but in our late 50's intercourse became physically painful for my wife. This is fairly common for older CIS women. But we continued to have regular sex, with orgasms, by manually pleasuring each other/ourselves/whatever works. There are many options to explore, but flexibility does matter.

GingerVicki · September 08, 2018, 09:31:42 PM

It was a deal breaker in my relationship and we were in our 30's. Although later she became a lesbian and hit me up. I immediately declined the offer.

Eryn T · September 09, 2018, 04:52:09 AM

I feel like I might have made this post lol

I think Devlyn brought up a really key point. If sex is important to the relationship, then you have your answer.

Now, to get a bit messy in here.
I am in my 30s, my wife is not interested in a lesbian relationship, and I(for the most part) identified as asexual when I was a man. I am not even on HRT yet, but that is already starting to change. I think on the conscious level, the male me only saw sex as a power game or a physical need to be satisfied, one that controls other aspects of your life. While the female me has been waiting patiently(or not) to come out and really 'feel' sex for the first time.

Going back more directly to the question. My wife and I were not exactly sexually active for the past few years, and we essentially are really good friends who also love each other right now. She has said that she would be okay for me to find physical love elsewhere, and even romantic love, too. While I would like to stay with her, and somehow convince her to be with me as a woman, I am not going to force her to.

Also, plenty of people out there have poly-amorous relationships. Just because you're married to someone doesn't mean it has to end, but it does need to change/evolve as you do, I feel.

Megan. · September 09, 2018, 05:40:07 AM

A good OP. As others have said, it depends if physical relationtions are still important to you. If they are and you can't (between you) find something that works for both of you, then an honest conversation is probably called for.

There are many many relationships that don't need sex, or are purely emotional, and where one or both parties may have other needs met outside the relationship.

Talk open and honestly, experiment if you're both happy to try things, then reflect if it worked for you both. X

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confusedfairy · September 11, 2018, 05:27:21 PM

Also realized something I should point out, because others have probably felt the same way- hearing my spouse say she wasn't interested in sex, I felt guilty for even contemplating leaving over this (neither of us is the sort to be able to do polyamory.)

As I said, our marriage unraveled for other reasons, so I might never know if I could manage as a lesbian, or as a celibate spouse.

I don't know how I would have convinced myself not to feel guilty if it weren't for the rest of it going downhill too...

Chloe · September 12, 2018, 06:28:04 AM

Quote from: gingerViktorKay on September 08, 2018, 09:31:42 PM. . . she became a lesbian and hit me up. I immediately declined the offer.

Ditto Ginger I do the same ('bout everyday!) With two kids and a third grand-baby on way Who Has The Energy?

Moonflower · September 24, 2018, 09:02:02 PM

@GwenFTW, what a tough question! I'll answer with the noncommittal, "it depends."

First, I'm glad for you that your spouse wants you two to stay together. I understand that you are not sure that this will work out happily for you, especially because you are missing the physical intimacy that you two had.

Second, what are your priorities? A simple decision for you is, how important is sex? That is a totally personal question for you alone. It can't be answered by anyone else. While considering this, you might want to consider whether there are other factors that are hiding behind or triggering the lack of physical contact. You mentioned the HRT as a trigger. Other possibilities?

Third, give yourselves some time to see how the HRT goes. I understand that its affects can fluctuate for a while. As long as you and your spouse share the same values, like physical connection and such, then you can look forward to continuing together. But if your needs aren't met, and the relationship no longer works for you, then it might be time to think about moving on, and all the adjustments and pros and cons that go with leaving.

What are you thinking now?

Grad0507 · May 27, 2019, 08:42:50 PM

His priority is sex. Having spent 90 days off sex to get it off my mind, so I could be healthy and normal, it's definitely not a priority for me. The fact that I'm sexually anorexic does not sit well with him but the result of that is we can't even perform because sex bores me and he can probably tell. Sometimes I wish he'd just transition so I can have sex with a woman and not a man pretending to be a woman.

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Linde · May 28, 2019, 12:11:32 AM

Quote from: Grad0507 on May 27, 2019, 08:42:50 PM
His priority is sex. Having spent 90 days off sex to get it off my mind, so I could be healthy and normal, it's definitely not a priority for me. The fact that I'm sexually anorexic does not sit well with him but the result of that is we can't even perform because sex bores me and he can probably tell. Sometimes I wish he'd just transition so I can have sex with a woman and not a man pretending to be a woman.

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Your husband needs professional help! He might not even be trans but have this trans as some kind of a sexual fetish!

Allie Jayne · May 28, 2019, 01:57:06 AM

Gwen, do you have children? Also, did you marry just for sex? There are a myriad of reasons why people marry and divorce. Sure, if you focus on one aspect that might change, things can look bleak, but look at your whole relationship and you both might find grounds to stay together, and make changes to make it work.

Allie

F_P_M · May 28, 2019, 04:11:35 PM

It is sad but also it's really not that uncommon in straight cis relationships for passion to just... dry up.

I know people who haven't slept with their partner in YEARS but it works for them.

However, if one partner has desire and the other doesn't, therin lies the problem.

I would suggest first speaking to your partner, honestly, openly and with the assurance that there is no judgement. Getting a third party (a relationship therapist) involved may help not only to mediate discussions between you both as a couple but also to give your partner the space to work through their concerns or issues alone with someone who can offer practical advice.

Transition is a big deal for both parties, the changes to the body can be quite extreme and sadly not everyone is flexable in their orientation and what they find arousing.

Sex doesn't make or break a relationship, what does is two partners who are not communicating their needs.

I admit, i'd find it very difficult if my partner no longer found me sexually attractive and it IS something that's made me pause and reconsider transition. Realistically though, I accept i'm asking rather a lot of him. But he's trying and ultimately that means the world to me.

In my life, personally, sex matters because I crave the emotional connection. The physical well, you know, I have other methods for that, but the physical closeness is something I NEED.

But everyone is different.

Honestly it could be a blip, they could get used to the idea, or they might not. As with all things, you really do need to talk it through. It's not gonna be easy, but it's rather essential I think.

Good luck.

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Sexually inflexible