For Asexual or Mainly Asexual Transgender Members

[Linde]

I'm glad to be able to bring the word and definition to your awareness. Most people are aware of asexuals (aces) but many who are aware of them aren't aware of gray-aces, or what's between sexual and non-sexual. Demi falls in that category. I remember I first identified as asexual, then when I met my husband I finally realized I could have sexual feelings. Outside of him though I'm perfectly disinterested in sex. I was never a usual sort, I suppose

When you met your husband, did you seek the presence/companionship of men?
I am not really interested in meeting a man (unless it is for work related purposes), and I thus don't even get the chance to probably like a guy (what I don't believe could happen.  My tendencies are definitely lesbian, but again, not just a raw sexual purposes, because I could not get intimate with any person, if the emotional bond was not established way earlier.
When I was still a man only, women considered me to be very handsome, and I could have had many affairs, but I did not.  Because during that time of my life, too, I was not interested in any sex without the emotional connection.  Which means neither my sexual orientation nor my demisexuality changed over many years.

[Artistic_Gene]

When you met your husband, did you seek the presence/companionship of men?
I am not really interested in meeting a man (unless it is for work related purposes), and I thus don't even get the chance to probably like a guy (what I don't believe could happen.  My tendencies are definitely lesbian, but again, not just a raw sexual purposes, because I could not get intimate with any person, if the emotional bond was not established way earlier.
When I was still a man only, women considered me to be very handsome, and I could have had many affairs, but I did not.  Because during that time of my life, too, I was not interested in any sex without the emotional connection.  Which means neither my sexual orientation nor my demisexuality changed over many years.

I wasn't trying to seek anyone's specific presence or companionship, really. I tried a few relationships (purely romantic, non sexual) with men and women before him (I would describe myself as demi with pan-romantic tendencies if were to give the longer explanation), but no one really interested me at that level. I didn't realize I was demi until well into my friendship and eventual relationship with my husband, when I realized I had sexual feelings for him. That was a day of googling, lemme tell ya.

We had been together some months by that point and known each other for years. It was interesting to learn there was a space between sexual and nonsexual. So, that's where I've been. We've tried polyamory and other stuff, but I never developed sexual feelings for anyone else, even when I had a strong emotional connection in most cases. I guess sexuality is wibbly-wobbly that way

[Linde]

I could not do any Bi or poly stuff what so ever.  I am single person focused, as well as female focused only.  If I would get involved in a sexual encounter, I can say that I would be as monogamous and lesbian as they come!

Many moons back, before I met my wife, I tried to participate in a threesome (that sounded exciting).  Two guys and one pretty experienced woman.  I failed very bitterly!

[Artistic_Gene]

I could not do any Bi or poly stuff what so ever.  I am single person focused, as well as female focused only.  If I would get involved in a sexual encounter, I can say that I would be as monogamous and lesbian as they come!

Many moons back, before I met my wife, I tried to participate in a threesome (that sounded exciting).  Two guys and one pretty experienced woman.  I failed very bitterly!

My first sexual encounter was with a woman and a man at the same time. It was...well, it was. It sure was a thing that happened. As far as the polyamory, that didn't work out for several reasons. Just wasn't a good fit at the time. I could potentially see myself in an emotional relationship with others, but sexually, I'm just into my hubs. I think if it weren't for him I still would not have sexual desire for anyone to this day

[pamelatransuk]

Are we identical twins, separated at birth?   

Thank you Linde. You are so sweet!

Hugs

Pamela

[pamelatransuk]

Hi Pamela, for me, right now, It is more about companionship than anything else, that includes kissing, hugging, and cuddles.

Hugs Zoey

Hello again

That makes 6 of us here. As I stated I wouldn't mind betting there are so many Susans' Members (who may or may not be mainly asexual) that are demisexual meaning sex absolutely out without romantic/emotional connection!

Hugs

Pamela

[pamelatransuk]

I'm glad to be able to bring the word and definition to your awareness. Most people are aware of asexuals (aces) but many who are aware of them aren't aware of gray-aces, or what's between sexual and non-sexual. Demi falls in that category. I remember I first identified as asexual, then when I met my husband I finally realized I could have sexual feelings. Outside of him though I'm perfectly disinterested in sex. I was never a usual sort, I suppose

Hello again

Thank you. I am truly grateful for explaining the meaning of the word demisexual.

I also appreciate all the other details you have provided in response to Linde.

I think another aspect which may be connected to this debate and a subject that many of us will be aware of but I don't believe there may be a term (noun or adjective) unless one of you happen to know it:

There are some people who can only have a proper romantic attraction and bond (which may or not develop into a sexual relationship) literally once in their lifetime! These people may be mainly asexual at the start or they could become asexual afterwards as they know that they enjoyed being in love but that time has passed and is never to repeated.

Food for thought.

Hugs

Pamela

[Linde]

Hello again

That makes 6 of us here. As I stated I wouldn't mind betting there are so many Susans' Members (who may or may not be mainly asexual) that are demisexual meaning sex absolutely out without romantic/emotional connection!

Hugs

Pamela

An interesting question would be, if this sexual behavior was already present when they were supposedly cis people, or is it new now, probably caused by HRT?

I was always only interested in sex if I had a special emotional connection with my partner.  The only thing that was added over the last decade (prior to HR) was the asexual element.  Which could have been kind of a protection for me, because I did not, and do not have any person I would have want to be sexually engaged with.

[Linde]

There are some people who can only have a proper romantic attraction and bond (which may or not develop into a sexual relationship) literally once in their lifetime! These people may be mainly asexual at the start or they could become asexual afterwards as they know that they enjoyed being in love but that time has passed and is never to repeated.

Food for thought.

Hugs

Pamela

I might be one of those people, but I don't know.  I had a few sexual encounters prior to meeting my wife, but after we divorced, I have not searched out any relation like this.  If my wife would come back to me, I would be more than happy, and if she would require me to be a man again, I very likely would do this, just to be with her!

[DawnOday]

The evidence is building that maybe I am.  I had every boys dream with my first wife and yet I could not put cross-dressing out of my mind. Even my first girlfriend Kathy, I would drop her off and then go to my sisters to watch her kids. I would put them all asleep and then go to her room and put on her clothes and makeup.  My second wife and I have had sex only a couple hand fulls of times and I got her preggers, twice. I got a vasectomy shortly thereafter. I refer to cross-dressing because that is what it was known as at the time. But I always felt it was more than just cross-dressing. I now have confirmation that I am transgender  and finally finding a name for it has been such a blessing. No more depression, No more anger,

[pamelatransuk]

An interesting question would be, if this sexual behavior was already present when they were supposedly cis people, or is it new now, probably caused by HRT?

I was always only interested in sex if I had a special emotional connection with my partner.  The only thing that was added over the last decade (prior to HR) was the asexual element.  Which could have been kind of a protection for me, because I did not, and do not have any person I would have want to be sexually engaged with.

Yes Linde I accept the asexuality and/or the demisexuality and/or the once in a lifetime romance thinking could start before or after realization of transgender status or before or after HRT. It makes no difference whether one "knows" oneself at any age but for me I am one of those transgirls that always knew - I told my grandmother aged 4 I wished to be girl. But is OK to know or realize any age from 4 to 84!

Hugs

Pamela

[pamelatransuk]

I might be one of those people, but I don't know.  I had a few sexual encounters prior to meeting my wife, but after we divorced, I have not searched out any relation like this.  If my wife would come back to me, I would be more than happy, and if she would require me to be a man again, I very likely would do this, just to be with her!

Love conquers all!

I am inclined to believe that not only is there a "competition" going on in our minds between our trans status and the hope (especially when we are young) of finding the perfect attractive romantic female partner but also an element of the two being "in unison" in that we may to a large degree find "the one" as perfect attractive and romantic as really our main objective is to be like her (but as that is impossible, we pursue and perhaps end up in a sexual relationship which we may enjoy or which we may be indifferent to).

Hugs

Pamela

[pamelatransuk]

The evidence is building that maybe I am.  I had every boys dream with my first wife and yet I could not put cross-dressing out of my mind. Even my first girlfriend Kathy, I would drop her off and then go to my sisters to watch her kids. I would put them all asleep and then go to her room and put on her clothes and makeup.  My second wife and I have had sex only a couple hand fulls of times and I got her preggers, twice. I got a vasectomy shortly thereafter. I refer to cross-dressing because that is what it was known as at the time. But I always felt it was more than just cross-dressing. I now have confirmation that I am transgender  and finally finding a name for it has been such a blessing. No more depression, No more anger,

Hello again Dawn

I assume you refer to you probably being the "once in a lifetime romance" category in your comment.

I assume further that you also believe yourself like me and other respondees to being mainly asexual and demisexual.

Your two other points apply to me also and I am sure to others:

1. I have never lost the pleasure of crossdressing which I started aged 8 and at age 12 I was familiar with the term ->-bleeped-<- and thought I was one. Obviously later I realized I was transsexual. It is only recently perhaps since 2005 we have used the umbrella term transgender here in UK.

2. Definitely. My anger and embitterment have gone. My depression is still there but at a much reduced level and frequency.

Hugs

Pamela

[Linde]

1. I have never lost the pleasure of crossdressing which I started aged 8 and at age 12 I was familiar with the term ->-bleeped-<- and thought I was one.

Hugs

Pamela

I never ever had that desire, and never ever thought about being a girl.  I tried so very hard to be a boy, but always fell short of the goal.
From what I know now, I probably did not want to dress like a girl, because I tried to be a perfect cross dresser as a guy.  Most of my life I tried to be that real macho guy, I never really achieved it, because I never was a cis male.

I don't really know, I might not have had the desire to dress like a girl, because something inside of me knew that I was one mostly?  I don't know, I just know that I never looked like the other guys, and never was interested in a lot of stuff they were, I was just dressed like one.

I think there has not much research been done on the psychological aspects of intersex people.  I don't really know if most of us will be transition to one or the other gender.  It seems to me that most intersex persons who are in the public have transitioned to their female side.  And here is the question, are we really transitioning, or are we just decide to live the one or the other side of our natural biology?

[pamelatransuk]

And here is the question, are we really transitioning, or are we just decide to live the one or the other side of our natural biology?

Precisely! We are only correcting the outward appearance (clothing, make up, possible surgeries) to what they should be as determined by our mind or our true nature; of course some of us may realize what they should be at different times in their lives.

So essentially Yes -We are not transitioning but we are realigning as we never (for some after hindsight) should have been misaligned body to mind at birth.

Hugs

Pamela

[Linde]

Precisely! We are only correcting the outward appearance (clothing, make up, possible surgeries) to what they should be as determined by our mind or our true nature; of course some of us may realize what they should be at different times in their lives.

So essentially Yes -We are not transitioning but we are realigning as we never (for some after hindsight) should have been misaligned body to mind at birth.

Hugs

Pamela

You are fully correct, because transitioning means going more or less through a physical or mental porthole, weil people with our symptoms just doing a correction to the biological misalignment mother nature made by accident.

Of course, there is a totally other group of people, those who were born intersex, like I was.  And those of us, who decide to emphasize one sex over the other sex, which is also part of our being, are, in my eyes, definitely not transitioning, but just deciding which part of them they see as the dominant one.  I see me becoming a woman more like a reclaiming my original body that was taken away from me at birth.  Because of the fact that I am male and female (sex wise) inside the same body, I do not really feel any dysphoria against the other side, and thus do not have any gender dysphoria because of my genitals.  I seemed to have both sets at birth (male and female), and somebody decided the male ones are the ones that should stay with me, I just see them to be there and ready to be exchanged for the other set I am supposed to have.

I don't know if all intersex people feel like I feel, and because there is such a large variety of being intersex, others may feel absolutely different!

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Everyone

I had copied my comment 51 to the "Attracted to or Want to Be" thread as I thought my comment may be helpful to the OP, Madison and Madison thanked me.

Madison received many responses on that thread and one was from Jeal which referred to my comment copied from here and therefore I am copying Jeal's response to this thread as it adds a further dimension to this debate.

Copy of Jeal's comment on Limerent Obsession with reference to my comment 51:

"In particular, I was struck my Pamela's response, and have first hand experience with limerent obsession for women.  My confusion over being both physically attracted to women while feeling envious of them was a huge conflict for me. In fact, what finally broke though my resistance of accepting I am transgender was falling in love with one of those teen kids in a mini skirt.  After six months of a torturous, surreal poetic  obsession (and guilt, I am married and in my forties) I finally realized the truth for me.  She was almost exactly like me at her age, the age where I put up a brutal wall of denial.  Even her face structure, nose, eye color, hair, and build were similar(eerily like my Mom as well, but that is another whole set of issues).  I literally, HAD fallen in love with the me that should have been.  What is really bizarre, is the moment I saw that clearly and accepted it, my interest in her disappeared completely. Like magic.  I still see her all the time.  I like her.  She is a funky artistic kid.  That painful, obsessive love feeling is just a weird memory.  Now I have a new name for that crawling, obsessive feeling: Gender dysphoria.  Not having an object to pin it on as a something to have, makes me finally embrace being.  No choice really .  It feels very much like that teen girl inside has a gun pointed to my back saying "MARCH or I shoot".

So onward I go, trying to enjoy this very unexpected journey. Everyone's experience is different, and in my case feelings of longing to be a girl go back to when I was 6 or 7 (as does my first limerent obsession)."

Thank you Jeal for a such an interesting post and this is from a firsttime poster! Well done!

Hugs to all

Pamela