Coming out to family..... How do you do this?

[milesify]

Hi friends,
i've spent a long time lurking on this site in incognito tabs and finally decided to join. i'm still new to this forum so please excuse me if i've posted in the wrong place or something like that. also apologies in advance for this incredibly long post. 

some context...
i've known i was male since i was 13, i'm 21 now. i would have liked to come out a long time ago however my family is extremely religious (mormons) and i spent most of my life verbally, emotionally, and physically abused. my mother is south american so there is also the added element of "traditional values" to her religious beliefs, whereas my white-australian dad is a little more accepting of things like mental illness and gay and lesbian people. i was sent to conversion therapy when they confronted me about their suspicions that i was gay. fortunately the bishop conducting the sessions was replaced a few months after i started and the sessions weren't picked up again by the new bishop so i got off the hook pretty easily, however it still left some lasting damage.
i spent a long time convincing myself i was female to make it easier but it got to a point where i was suicidal and couldn't deny myself anymore, which i know is the same for most others. i suffer from depression, intense dysphoria, and social anxiety as a result of my upbringing which makes it harder for me to come out.

i've spent the last 6 or so years living a "double life".. out to most friends and "passing" socially except in legal, work, and study situations. i have a nonbinary partner of 2 years (however we have been best friends for 5) whose parents accept and support me. i'm currently living in a share-house with this partner and other trans people which has improved my mental health tremendously. the separation from my family has also improved our relationship. i've been seeing a therapist for the past year who is compassionate towards and knowledgeable about trans subjects, however he is not a "specialist" of any sort and mostly wants to focus on my depression/anxiety as issues of their own and after a few months of me telling him that they are symptoms of a larger issue (the incongruence between who i am and how others perceive me!) he has only now just agreed with my point of view.

at the moment my plan is to begin HRT and change my legal documents after i finish my degree at the end of october this year. i guess i'm not in a huge rush to come out to my family until the effects of HRT become too noticeable, at which point i won't be able to hide it anymore. i already know the outcome will be less than kind so i've decided to tell them via a letter, to give them time to absorb and respond, and so that they will be forced to listen to me instead of talk over or interrupt me.
but as for the contents in it... i have no idea where to even start!
i haven't shared anything personal with my family for years because each time i've tried to open up to them in the past i've been made fun of, dismissed, hit, etc. so for almost a decade now they have had no idea who i really am, what i'm interested in, even my friendships and relationships have all been kept secret out of fear.

i've taken steps to ensure my safety. i've moved houses and not given them my updated address, separated my bank account, and will be opening a PO box to send my letter correspondence with them. even though i don't have a real relationship with them and have gotten to a point where i have accepted that i will most likely face estrangement upon coming out, the thought is still terrifying and the effects of 19 years of abuse still linger. it is also heart breaking because finally we have something of a relationship now, even if it's built on a false identity, and to destroy that after such a small time of finally having a family relationship is sad to me. i know i have my partner's family who has been an invaluable support to me for 5 years but it doesn't feel quite the same.

i'm sure you all must see this question a lot but.... how did you guys do it? any advice is appreciated, and thank you so much for all the resources provided already on this website.

thank you in advance <3
- miles

[Zoe_Kay]

Hi Miles,
First off, a big hug.  Your family sounds a lot like mine.

I think family is the absolute hardest group of people to come out to.  While I'm out to my SO and most of my friends, I'm only out to one family member.  I was already the outcast freak in other ways and have been made to feel unwelcome for so many years so I've already written most of them off.

Whatever you decide, make sure it serves you and not them.  You only go at your own pace and you don't owe a big explanation to anyone.  You know who you are and you do not need to justify yourself to anyone.

Letters are a good approach since it forces the person to read all the way through and they can't interrupt you.

One thing to consider before you send that letter - make sure you are feeling strong, supported, and centered before you send it so that you can endure whatever the outcome may be. 

And finally, what do you want to get across in the letter?  Is it a "hi, this is my life and if you want to be a part of it this is how I will be treated?"  Or is it a "goodbye" type of letter?   What do you want them to understand about you?  And what will you be asking them to do for you?  Support you?  Leave you alone?

Once you know those things, I think you can start writing it and regardless, I advise that you take your time and send it only once you are truly ready and you know its what you really want to say.

XX  Zoe

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Miles!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

I feel for you, with the difficult upbringing you had.  That you survived an attempt at conversion therapy is a testament to your strength of character.

I don't have any real advice to offer you.  My parents were both dead by the time I figured out who I was: I am one of the "late bloomers".  It sounds like you have considered your own safety and have a good plan.

As for what to put in the letter, I would suggest taking your time.  Write out a rough draft, and then review it regularly and modify it for several days.  Though you won't be able to put it off forever once you start HRT, you are in no particular rush at the moment.

Of my two brothers, I was unsure how one would take my news.  So I held off telling him ahead of my public transition.  But once I was out to the world, I could not hold off any longer on telling him.  So I told him a bit about my lifelong struggle to fit in, in particular, my confusion over how other men just knew how to be men but I didn't, and how I never wanted to be masculine.  I then said that this condition has a name, gender dysphoria, and that I had been diagnosed with it.  ("Diagnosed" was an important word, because I wanted convey that this was not a whim or a choice.)

As it turned out, I didn't need to be so careful with him; he was supportive.   Or maybe he was supportive because of my carefully-worded letter.

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[milesify]

thank you so much for the kind words Kathy and Zoe..  I really appreciate your responses    and thanks for the warm welcome

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Hi there,

I came out in person to my parents, but I wasn't as worried about rejection. One piece of advice I read beforehand that I found helpful was not to use words like "transgender" when talking/writing. People have a lot of preconceived notions in their heads about this sort of thing, hopefully you saying that you are hurting and need to fix it will trigger their maternal/paternal instincts and keep them from reacting badly.

Just my $.02

[Sarah1979]

I'm about to take the same steps with my family, (I'm planning to do this after thanksgiving so as not to cast a pall over the festivities), and I agree, I think a letter is the best way really.  Again, they can't interrupt you, and you can put exactly what you're feeling into words.  Which, by the way, I think is the key to the entire process: focusing on what you're feeling;  your pain, the dysphoria, and how transitioning is the only way forward for you (I know it is for me).  Above all, no matter what, DO NOT LET THEM TELL YOU HOW TO FEEL!!  I don't know if you still have a good relationship with your faith, but, if you do, just remember, this is not between you and them, it's between you and God only.

Have faith

Sarah

[heather3791]

Hi Miles,

I've been coming out to friends and family since April 2017. (one or two at a time.)  I actually drafted a pretty long letter. Rather then just leave a copy or email it I actually read it in person to people. So when I told my Dad and Step Mom for example it went like this: "So Dad and Jessica, I have something very important I need to tell you. I'm not the best with words on my feet so I wrote a letter I'd like to read to you. I would ask that you please allow me to read it in it's entirety without stopping me. Then when I'm done we can talk as much as you want." So they were like "Okay son..no problem." So I read it and then at the end I tried to throw in a little humor by saying, "Okay guys, let's now open things up for some Q&A." There was a slight pause before my Step Mother told me they love me unconditionally and that it doesn't change anything. And then my Dad just said "Wow.. okay... so this is pretty major.. but like Jessie said, we love you no matter what." And of course we continued talking for a while after that. It ended up really good. In my personal experience I think reading the letter in person helped a lot. The letter itself ensured that I got everything said I needed to without forgetting anything and without interruption. And the actual in person reading of it showed my emotions and just made it more engaging and personable. Hope that helps and good luck with everything!

[Veronica J]

well a letter is how i am gonna come out to my parents. i cant do it in person, i would get the water works, yelling, a hiding etc.. soo nah.  my parents, one sister and direct work mates dont know yet.. (HR and CEO do) and since telling them my life doesn't feel on hold no more.. infact i am considering selling my gaming computer, xbox etc and just get going on the me bus. so the need to tell my parents has been high, tho there are clues they may know already...so i will make it official and carry on with my life. i already know they will reject me (due to their religious belief and the letter and video and destroyed my 40th. from a great day to a soul crushing one. i cant hold onto them no more and i must move forward..

best of luck to you and us all to coming out to those who we grew up with...

[DawnOday]

Ok Miles. I am going to link you to a letter that I think is a great template for what you tell your folks. I never had to come out to my parents because they died many years ago. But I do have a wife and kids. Along with friends I have known most of my life.
Now these letters are from a FTM so they should be germaine to your situation. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,104243.msg780226.html#msg780226

[Zoe_Kay]

The letter idea is wonderful!

[milesify]

wow, thank you so much for all these wonderful responses! you all have really kind and helpful things to say. i appreciate it a lot and wishing you all the best in your lives. Veronica and Sarah... i hope your coming out experiences turn out smoothly and as best as they could be. it really is a tough one.

so a bit of an update: i started HRT yesterday (hoorah!) and have drafted what i think i want to say, with a lot of help from your advice. i think i'll hold off on sending it until after christmas so it doesnt spoil the mood... depending on how quickly/noticeably i'm affected by T.

i'll keep you guys updated, thank you for your kind words and inclusivity !

[Colleen_definitely]

I sent letters to family and friends.  While still nerve wracking, it was far less difficult and lower risk than doing it in person or over the phone.

[JannaLM]

Hi Miles.

I am 23 (almost 24) and I still haven't come out to my parents either.

I really like everyone's suggestions of letters, because it definitely feels like a safer, more complete option as far as coming out can go. When you have what you want to say, a letter makes things significantly simpler. And whatever you do, when you think it is time, don't hold yourself back. Tell them everything you feel they need to know about yourself, and that it doesn't matter what they think of you. It is your life to live, not theirs, so they have no right to force you into anything at all.

And congrats on starting HRT!

All of these responses are also helping me out a bit. I think I might write a letter to my mom.

[milesify]

Colleen: i totally agree, even thinking about doing it "in person" (including over the phone) is terrifying. i hope your experience was largely positive and that things worked out.

Janna: thank you very much.. i agree, i think a letter is best, especially if you are in a difficult situation. i hope that when/if you decide to come out that it all goes well for you! all the best in your journey.

[Alice (nym)]

First, congrats on starting your journey and the HRT.

There is some seriously good advice in the posts on here. My parents are not particularly religious, they're CoE but not practicing. My mother isn't too bad but my father is now retired but he was practicing far right wing. Involved in his past with a lot of violent hate crime... although back then the police tended to look the other way (I still think they do sometimes). So I feel you pain. We can't change our parents, we might hate everything they stand for... but... they are still our parents and we unfortunately love them despite their faults and can only hope they will do the same to us. Well I am not holding my breath when that time comes.

I think the letter idea sounds good, the bit about avoiding using the word transgender sounds good too... instead of labelling yourself into a box, label your condition and be free to choose who you want to be - that sounds like good advice to me. I also thought the use of the word 'diagnosed' was valuable. That's what I am waiting on more than anything else... the ability to demonstrate that a professional has diagnosed me with dysphoria. Of course we now live in a world where the morons are in charge and they're dismissing experts. Still I think that is a valuable tool and I don't plan on coming out until I've got that to back me up. It shows that you are serious, that this isn't some whim, and that this is something beyond our control.

I will add that you could appeal to their Christian values. Too much of Christianity focuses on the hate and not enough on the love. And let's not forget that according to the traditional bible, God is intersex and so is Adam - they even use the correct pronouns in Genesis... but that is likely to lead to an argument. But you could try and fit in something about unconditional love... phrase it like, 'We don't always see eye to eye, but as your child, I unconditionally love you as my parents and no matter how you take my news, I will not stop loving you. My door will always be open to you.'
That gives you the moral high ground and makes them think twice before rejecting you.

Good luck

love
Alice

[Colleen_definitely]

Colleen: i totally agree, even thinking about doing it "in person" (including over the phone) is terrifying. i hope your experience was largely positive and that things worked out.

My reasoning for the letter is that I don't live anywhere near my family, and you can't talk over a letter as some of my family likes to do.

As for how things went?  Not well on the family front (actually quite terribly), but my old friends have all been really great. 

[Devlyn]

Sorry to hear that, Colleen. I think it's more important that people share love with us than blood. That defines family in my book.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Alice (nym)]

oh Colleen... I am so sorry to hear that. You stick to your friends and I hope your family eventually come around. I chat regularly with a woman who transitioned some time ago and her family completely rejected her. She had it really tough but eventually they came around and accepted her. So fingers crossed eh?  In the meanwhile you keep to your friends and keep safe.

*big hug*

love
Alice

[milesify]

Colleen: i'm really sorry to hear that. it's so good you have your friends to fall back on, but it's still really sad to hear your family was less than accepting i hope you're able to surround yourself with people who love you. i agree with Devlyn, i guess we really do have to choose our own family in these situations.

Alice: thanks so much for your kind words and support. wow, your father's history is really shocking and must make it that much harder for you to tell him something like this.. and absolutely, i think when you show that you have been visiting medical professionals people are more inclined to take you seriously.
even though i have been pretty much.. "apathetically agnostic" (which is the best way i can think of to describe it  ) since i was 16, my religious reasoning which i will try and put forward to my parents is that this is a part of God's plan... if He is a truly loving god who cares for his children why would He want them to suffer in their own skin? He has provided us with the option to modify and correct ourselves.. and that if this is what feels RIGHT naturally, spiritually, emotionally.. then how can we say it's not what He wants, and who are we to argue with GOD?

i don't know if i quite believe that myself, since i don't believe in a god (or at least not the christian kind). but from a religious perspective, that's how i would spin it ! and hopefully it's a helpful rhetoric for anyone else with religious concerns with family or otherwise. i'd like to know what passages in genesis you're referring to, if you can remember? the only issue with biblical references is that because theyre mormon they believe in their own separate translations of the bible... and have 3 other books of scripture that they use more than the bible, and the old testament is at the bottom of their priority really. it's a bit hypocritical but thats how it be.

thanks again and best of luck in your own journey!

[Colleen_definitely]

Thanks all, I do appreciate the kind words. It sucks for sure but I have great friends and a wonderful girlfriend so things are far better than it could be.

Now while I'm related to a bunch of a-holes, this isn't my pity party thread  Let's get back to helping Miles here.

So, while the reaction from the aforementioned a-holes was negative, I still believe that the letter method is sound.

The funny thing for me is that an old friend that is LDS is super supportive of me. No clue on his parents but I'll take that win. I'm not much help on the Mormon scripture front I'm afraid. My experience with that is limited to flipping through the book of Mormon that I borrowed from a member of my platoon a long time ago and I don't remember much of it.