Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

My official first post.

Finally at 62 my gender dysphoria crushed me earlier this year.  I had random crying panic attacks that I never had before.  I started therapy for the first time in my life that helped me pull back from the edge.

I am now trying to find ways to cope because if I transition I will hurt everyone in my life, particularly my wife of 37 years and destroy everything I have created in my life.  I figure that either way, transitioning or not, I am going to get hurt but if I don't transition I won't hurt anyone else.

Not sure why I am posting this other than to not feel so totally alone. 

[Virginia]

Once of life's many bittersweet choices, my friend. Only you can decide which path is best for you.

[anne_indy]

Hi Emma - thanks for your post. For many of us who confront our gender identity later in life, we come with the encumbrances and benefits of relationships. You are not alone.

This a journey, of which, we don't necessarily know the destination. It is a journey of exploration. In the end we all have to choose which paths to follow, and those choices likely will involve consideration of those with whom we are in close relationship.

There are a number of cases here on Susans where the life partners have joined the journey.

Just know you are not alone in this conundrum.

Anne


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[Emma1017]

Thanks Anne and Virginia.

The choice is so incredibly lonely.  For the first time in my life I need help, support and understanding and my family and friends lack the capacity.  Sometimes the emotions just drown me. 

I wonder whether I am strong enough to wall this all up.  Am I just fooling my self?  I wish I had a disease that I could explain to others.

[Alice V]

Hey Emma!

There's bunch of people who faced same situation with such a choice at your age. Usually it's not that bad as far as I know from their stories. What makes you think you'll hurt anyone? Do your family strongly against transgenders?

[Northern Star Girl]

My official first post.

Finally at 62 my gender dysphoria crushed me earlier this year.  I had random crying panic attacks that I never had before.  I started therapy for the first time in my life that helped me pull back from the edge.

I am now trying to find ways to cope because if I transition I will hurt everyone in my life, particularly my wife of 37 years and destroy everything I have created in my life.  I figure that either way, transitioning or not, I am going to get hurt but if I don't transition I won't hurt anyone else.

Not sure why I am posting this other than to not feel so totally alone.

@Emma1017
Dear Emma
Thank you for taking your time to post again here on the Forums.  You are never totally alone here on the Forums... we are here to support you and to encourage you decide about your transition plans and as you reach for your goals

I see that you were already Officially Welcomed to Susan's Place by @Jessica, @KathyLauren, myself and other members back several months ago on March 14th on your previous and very first posting "New and very raw".   

Included in Jessica's Welcome Message were important and informational LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums... pay particularity close attention to the LINKS IN RED... answers to most questions that new members ask will be found there.   For your convenience I have attached those LINKS below my message.

I also notice that you have not visited the Introductions Forum to let many other members know of your arrival here...  as I tell all new members, a brief posting there with some details about yourself will help you to receive more give and take... and sharing with other like-minded members.   

And there is a good chance that you will make some new friends during your time on the forums.

IMPORTANT NOTE:  I am going to suggest that your "official first post" here be moved to the  Introductions Forum where it most appropriately belongs.

Thank you again for your posting and for joining Susan's Place.
I will be looking for your future postings around the forums and the sharing of your thoughts.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle

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[KathyLauren]

Hi again, Emma!

I am sorry that you are feeling the pain of this decision.  It is a common predicament for those of us who figure this stuff out late in life.

To keep it in perspective, you have already been hurting for 60-ish years.  I understand the desire not to inflict pain on your wife, and it is admirable.  But your pain will continue for another 20? or 30? years if you choose to remain in the closet about who you really are.

I saw in your first post, back in March, that you have already told your wife, and that she is in denial.  That is unfortunate, but it means that the situation is not all your doing.  So don't beat yourself up about it.  She is a participant, not a bystander.

I don't have any answers for you.  Only you can decide on the best course forward.  The equation you are trying to solve is how to minimize the pain for both of you.

[Emma1017]

Thank you Vesh for your thoughts.  They mean a lot.

Hi Danielle.  I must have screwed something up because I didn't see the posts from March.  I thought my post never posted and I went back into massive denial.  I has taken me this long to finally admit I need to talk to others.  I have been resisting...pretty much everything regarding my gender dysphoria.  I have never been this scared.

I will take the time to follow your instructions.  Thank you.

[Emma1017]

Hi Kathy.  My wife and I are still ignoring the elephant in the room. 

I am especially protective of her because we lost our older son to leukemia four years ago and she has lost mother recently. Both her father and sister died from cancer so she has lost so much.   She said to me that she can't lose me too.  I told her I am never leaving.

I would rather suck up my pain than hurt her, ever.

Sorry I didn't mean to dump this.  I guess I am just desperate.

[KathyLauren]

Sorry I didn't mean to dump this.  I guess I am just desperate.

Don't apologize, hun.  That's what we are here for.  Every one of us dumped a load of pent-up emotions on the forum when we first showed up.  Feel free to vent, ask questions, whatever you need to do.

[Northern Star Girl]

Thank you Vesh for your thoughts.  They mean a lot.

Hi Danielle.  I must have screwed something up because I didn't see the posts from March.  I thought my post never posted and I went back into massive denial.  I has taken me this long to finally admit I need to talk to others.  I have been resisting...pretty much everything regarding my gender dysphoria.  I have never been this scared.

I will take the time to follow your instructions.  Thank you.

@Emma1017
Dear Emma:   Here is the LINK to your posting back in March...  "New and very raw"
...there you will not only see your first post but also all of the replies comments.
       https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235364.msg2107922.html#msg2107922

Thank you for your reply,
Danielle

[Emma1017]

Thank you Danielle.  I forgot what I wrote and never saw the responses.  I just thought I posted wrong. 

Thanks to all.  This is the closest I have gotten to a supportive and understanding hug.  Wow this is really emotional...

I have to process this   

[Northern Star Girl]

Thank you Danielle.  I forgot what I wrote and never saw the responses.  I just thought I posted wrong. 

Thanks to all.  This is the closest I have gotten to a supportive and understanding hug.  Wow this is really emotional...

I have to process this

@Emma1017
Dear Emma
Here is a BIG  HUG  for you...   

and more Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[Emma1017]

Ok now you have me crying and I don't cry...thank you

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Emma 1017,
                           You don't necessarily have to transition and cause a train wreck. You could allow some expression of your female self to release some pressure and anxiety. Your wife probably knows you care deeply but is already suffering enough grief for now.
Maybe talking to her and reassuring her might allow you to start HRT but only feminize as much as you are both comfortable with. She may even like a more serene you if you start HRT.
All I am trying to say is I know how you feel. I tried to soldier on to protect the integrity of my wife and family. I'm a dedicated husband but in the end outside of work and family duty I had to spend some time as my female self and got on HRT.
Most of the time I appear as the same old husband but I get to release the pressure of not having an aligned gender.
I feel for your situation - it is difficult whatever way you look at it. There are options between doing nothing and full transition though.
Even just HRT alone can provide relief without destroying the marriage - no one needs to know except the wife.
  Wishing you both the best in a difficult time,
Kirsten.


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[Emma1017]

Thank you Kristen.  I appreciate your thoughts.  I think I am going to suggest that my wife meet with my therapist who can give her some neutral ground.  To date my wife has refused to see a therapist, even after losing our son.

I am going to ask her to do it just once for me and see if we move closer together with this.

We still hug, kiss and talk but about everything else but this.

[Emma1017]

I have to sign off but THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!

[Jessica]

Hi Emma 🙋‍♀️ Glad you posted this!  Good to see you again 🌸🌸🌸
I moved your thread/post to the Introduction forum, where it can be easier recognized that you are a newer member, giving them a better opportunity to say hi!

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[LizK]

Thank you Kristen.  I appreciate your thoughts.  I think I am going to suggest that my wife meet with my therapist who can give her some neutral ground.  To date my wife has refused to see a therapist, even after losing our son.

I am going to ask her to do it just once for me and see if we move closer together with this.

We still hug, kiss and talk but about everything else but this.

Hi Emma
One of the biggest things I had to get past with my wife of 33 years is that horrible feeling I was "doing it too her" I was not actually doing anything to her...OKay so how does all that work then? How could I not have done something to her. After all I did transition, I did have issues even costing me family members.


It has not been all plain sailing for my wife and I but we did keep talking. She had some really difficulties and was reluctant to say anything because she feared hurting me. In the end I convinced her to see someone for her own sake and not mine, I was already seeing a therapist and a Psychiatrist so I was pretty much covered as far as my own mental health went. It took some persuading but she was unhappy about a number of things. I took her to the session and to this day I have no clue what was discussed, but when I picked her up she was beaming from ear to ear and has never looked back. She won't ell me and IO don't ask anymore but whatever was discussed gave my wife great insight as toi ho0w it was for me. The only things she did say is that she didn't realise what I was going through and how incredibly difficult it must be. What was different was her actions, she became my most ardent advocate and defender.

I hope you and your wife can work it out. What ewver it is you need to do and that may not be a full transition of any kind but maybe just some small chnages that help you. Having a supportive partner during this will make life so much easier.

Our relkationship changed but when you consider how bad it was we needed it too. At the time I did not realise how destructive my GD was and how far apart we were drifting. I have said this before and I will say it again because it is soo true. My wife and I are closer now than at any time during our marriage. We are rock solid with each other...there are no more surprises to be had.

BIG HUGS TO YOU BOTH

Take care

LIz

[Tatiana 79]

Hello Emma
I just wanted to jump in to let you know what I've learned in my marriage of 38 years.
Your wife really isn't losing you you're still the same person she married. Although I know this is not what she signed up for but remember the For Better or For Worse in sickness and in health thing that you both agreed on.
Well I just wanted you to know this is how my wife took it
When two human beings are in love and especially get married and live together as long as you two have there is something that transcends things even like gender.
I would imagine after all these years she really cares for you and definitely wants the best for you, but she might need a little more time to process and work through this. I think once she realizes that you had no choice in this whatsoever, it's merely the way that you came out of your mother's womb.
  Okay here comes the in sickness and health part.
  Well I guess we were all born sick with gender dysphoria but that word did not exist back when we were born, but it is established as a truth now. And she took the wedding vows and agreed on them. So in all reality what's the difference between what we have and some other disease or sickness like cancer or heart disease or something where she would have no problem to Stand By Your Side and help you through this.
If she can just get through the social taboos that are ancient and need to be accepted as any other sickness.
It's not a lifestyle change, like one day you just decided, oh I'm going to be trans you had no choice whatsoever in this and I hope your wife realizes this it's nothing weird, it's nothing freakish, it's nothing to really be embarrassed about once you get over the ancient social taboos.

I myself waited way too long for treatment and literally broke down and was completely unfunctional.
My wife has always known what the core problem or issue that was causing all of this and she was the one pushing me for treatment because she knows I'm still going to be the same person, we still have the same past, we're still just as much or more in love as we have ever been.
My wife really wants me to be healthy and functional and she sees this happening to me and I've only started HRT about 2 months ago.
It's so obvious that my life is changing so very much to the positive that she would never let me stop treatment because things are just getting better and better for us.
I really believe that if your wife understood this she would stand by your side just the same as any other sickness.
The one thing you've got going for you is the magic of love.
You two have been together for so long you sure don't need to lose this over you being sick.
  I most sincerely hope your wife takes the time to learn about your sickness and realize you were born with it.
I think that if you give her enough time she might realize this to.
If PM,ing me or even have your wife talk to my wife might help please feel free to do so.

All the best to you dear I most sincerely hope the both of you stay together and work through this.
Love Tatiana