Which hurts less

[V M]

Hi Emma 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Emma1017]

Wow to everyone again Thank You! 

I am sorry I didn't start a dialogue sooner.  I was so embarrassed at what I perceived as my own weakness that I didn't realize that it wasn't my fault and that in fact I am part of a group of fantastic, caring people.

I have a lot to learn, even at this stage of my life.  Not sure which path I will take but at least I know that I am not alone.

[Jessica]

Thank you Kristen.  I appreciate your thoughts.  I think I am going to suggest that my wife meet with my therapist who can give her some neutral ground.  To date my wife has refused to see a therapist, even after losing our son.

I am going to ask her to do it just once for me and see if we move closer together with this.

We still hug, kiss and talk but about everything else but this.

Hi Emma 🙋‍♀️ I am in the same boat that @Kirsteneklund7 and @LizK is on. 
I'm finally at the point where the elephant in the room is being addressed.
It was my wife that suggested gender therapy after knowing it was part of me for years. 
Why it took a year to get her on board with therapy for herself is because she has always (37 years) been very poor at communication. 
She gives me the support that shows she cares, and mine for her, but there was that elephant that I now is being led out of the room. 
We are a very loving couple, and there is no thought of giving up, but she is one to keep emotions to herself. 
I on the other hand, love to talk.
Therapy can be a wonderful tool, hopefully it will prove effective for you and your wife.
« Sent to: Emma1017 on: Today at 04:08:05 pm »ReplyQuoteDelete
Hi Emma 🙋‍♀️ I moved your thread/post to the Introduction forum, where it can be easier recognized that you are a newer member, giving them a better opportunity to say hi!

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[Emma1017]

ok now I have a simple "aduh" question:  How do you respond to a members individual message? thanks

[KatieP]

There is a "Quote" button in the upper right of each message. If you click on that button, it put that message in a "Reply" text box you can then write in.

Kate

[Emma1017]

Thank you Jessica

Hi Emma 🙋‍♀️ I am in the same boat that @Kirsteneklund7 and @LizK is on. 
I'm finally at the point where the elephant in the room is being addressed.
It was my wife that suggested gender therapy after knowing it was part of me for years. 
Why it took a year to get her on board with therapy for herself is because she has always (37 years) been very poor at communication. 
She gives me the support that shows she cares, and mine for her, but there was that elephant that I now is being led out of the room. 
We are a very loving couple, and there is no thought of giving up, but she is one to keep emotions to herself. 
I on the other hand, love to talk.
Therapy can be a wonderful tool, hopefully it will prove effective for you and your wife.
« Sent to: Emma1017 on: Today at 04:08:05 pm »ReplyQuoteDelete
Hi Emma 🙋‍♀️ I moved your thread/post to the Introduction forum, where it can be easier recognized that you are a newer member, giving them a better opportunity to say hi!

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[Emma1017]

Thank you Kristen

Hi Emma 1017,
                           You don't necessarily have to transition and cause a train wreck. You could allow some expression of your female self to release some pressure and anxiety. Your wife probably knows you care deeply but is already suffering enough grief for now.
Maybe talking to her and reassuring her might allow you to start HRT but only feminize as much as you are both comfortable with. She may even like a more serene you if you start HRT.
All I am trying to say is I know how you feel. I tried to soldier on to protect the integrity of my wife and family. I'm a dedicated husband but in the end outside of work and family duty I had to spend some time as my female self and got on HRT.
Most of the time I appear as the same old husband but I get to release the pressure of not having an aligned gender.
I feel for your situation - it is difficult whatever way you look at it. There are options between doing nothing and full transition though.
Even just HRT alone can provide relief without destroying the marriage - no one needs to know except the wife.
  Wishing you both the best in a difficult time,
Kirsten.


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[Kirsteneklund7]

No worries Emma . I would love to hear how you go. PM me anytime. You can probably give me a few tips.
Kirsten.

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[RobynD]

It took a bit of time but the transition has cost me basically everything, except financial security and career performance. It has been felt in the latter but it's going ok, I feel like I'm limited to self-employment now and that is not necessarily a bad thing, but the feeling like I could step into any company and help them with a thing or three is missed.

After initial acceptance, I lost my marriage, my family, kids will not speak to me etc. Just the loss of a level of anonymity is missed.

However, I've also gained - gained new love, gained new friends, activism to support a community, and support of my ever-desire to mess with the world and conventional thinking. It is no way easy and it is fraught with challenges i never expected but it is my journey and however short my time is left, i have had the opportunity to be myself. That is fairly priceless.

[Emma1017]

Thank you all for your responses.  I haven't figured out how to private message.  I wanted to share what I have learned so far.  Let me know if I missed anything:

1.   It is a biological condition not a mental disorder.
2.   It is not a choice.  It is hardwired before birth and is then buried under layers of male hormones, male   socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
3.   The problem is that gender dysphoria does not go away as you get older.  It just gets stronger as those layers begin to wear away and the mental anguish it causes becomes unbearable.
4.   The irony with gender dysphoria is that it appears to worsen in direct proportion to the effort to fight it.
5.   Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast.  Family and friends generally lack the capacity to support, help or understand.  In most instances they do the complete opposite.   
6.   Without an adequate outlet, gender dysphoria is a corrosive, emotional force with limited options.
7.   You spend years not understanding what's wrong with you but you always have a sense shame, discomfort and distress.
8.   On top of everything else, gender dysphoria places the entire weigh of guilt on your shoulders for something you didn't choose.
9.   You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand.  If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar.  If you do tell you have selfishly destroyed her life.
10.   When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.

[LizK]

10.   When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.

Emma if you read some of my earlier posts you will see that I as far as I was concerned my life was over when I began my transition in 2015...I have had some losses and in unexpected ways from unexpected people but unfortunately we have losses. Transition is long , its hard, its fraught with emotional pitfalls, people hate you just because your are you, it physically hurts...but that first day when you realise your GD is gone...maybe only briefly but you truly feel free of it you realise just how much it impacts your life on a daily basis. As my transition has progressed my GD has steadily receded...yes I have bad days but in the beginning I was convinced I couldn't pass/blend in, I resigned myself to being outed completely all the time but my reality is very different from that.

It may well cost you in some ways but you are never going to live this life again.  I know who I am finally at the age of 54...I have stopped wondering, I am not looking for that missing piece in my life because I know what it is. I am a woman who was unfortunately born into the life of a man. I managed for as long and as best I could but in the end the choice came down to no choice at all. It is s tough journey with huge personal rewards, finally living your life with relatively little to o GD makes such a difference.

There is no one way to be trans or to transition...there are things I have done during my transition that I never thought possible and there is s certain amount of joy in just living an authentic life like everyone else.

I hope you find your way

Take care

Liz

[Emma1017]

Thank you Liz

Emma if you read some of my earlier posts you will see that I as far as I was concerned my life was over when I began my transition in 2015...I have had some losses and in unexpected ways from unexpected people but unfortunately we have losses. Transition is long , its hard, its fraught with emotional pitfalls, people hate you just because your are you, it physically hurts...but that first day when you realise your GD is gone...maybe only briefly but you truly feel free of it you realise just how much it impacts your life on a daily basis. As my transition has progressed my GD has steadily receded...yes I have bad days but in the beginning I was convinced I couldn't pass/blend in, I resigned myself to being outed completely all the time but my reality is very different from that.

It may well cost you in some ways but you are never going to live this life again.  I know who I am finally at the age of 54...I have stopped wondering, I am not looking for that missing piece in my life because I know what it is. I am a woman who was unfortunately born into the life of a man. I managed for as long and as best I could but in the end the choice came down to no choice at all. It is s tough journey with huge personal rewards, finally living your life with relatively little to o GD makes such a difference.

There is no one way to be trans or to transition...there are things I have done during my transition that I never thought possible and there is s certain amount of joy in just living an authentic life like everyone else.

I hope you find your way

Take care

Liz

[Kymmie Lorain]

Emma,
I am in the same boat as you. I just came out to my councilor being trans. But scared to death to tell my wife of almost 33 years. Although not too sure about transitioning yet. Hopefully with help from a trans specialist councilor I can get though this.

Kymmie

[Emma1017]

Hey Kymmie:

Thank God I started therapy with a great person.  You need to have allies, particularly when you have so much against you.  As I have just learned this site also gives you more allies who help and understand.

Best wishes,

Emma

author=Kymmie Lorain link=topic=240370.msg2170600#msg2170600 date=1535729746]
Emma,
I am in the same boat as you. I just came out to my councilor being trans. But scared to death to tell my wife of almost 33 years. Although not too sure about transitioning yet. Hopefully with help from a trans specialist councilor I can get though this.

Kymmie
[/quote]

[RobynD]

Allies, friends, support network, whatever you want to call it, is I think a critical part of transition (as it is to be human). Therapy is a huge option too.

[KathyLauren]

9.   You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand.  If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar.  If you do tell you have selfishly destroyed her life.
10.   When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.

Emma, I think that your first eight points sum up the pre-transition transgender experience extremely well.  For the last two points, they can happen, but it doesn't inevitably work out that way.

Some wives are made of warrior material, and will stand by their spouse no matter what.  Mine did, and I know there are many others that did as well.  The warrior nature is not always evident until they are tested.  So telling one's wife, even though it can be as scary as heck, does not always end in disaster.

Workplaces and society in general are starting to come around to acceptance and even support for us.  Yes, there are a few reactionary holdouts making a lot of noise, and finding oneself on the wrong side of then is not nice, but the reality is not usually as bad as our fears.

[Joanne ONeal]

Emma,
As you can see from the responses here, you are not alone! I'm 66 and I was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 years ago. My biggest concern when I got the news was I would never be able to experience living as I felt on the inside. My wife and I were celebrating 43 years of marriage, and all I wanted was to be me. So, we sat down and talked. We talked about the cancer, what treatment options I had, and what she should do if I didn't survive. I then tried to explain to her why I always enjoyed underdressing with women's clothing. I told her I needed to see a gender therapist, and I wanted her to go with me! That was the most emotional time we had ever experienced together. That appointment saved our marriage, and opened my eyes to why I had always felt this way. I wasn't sick or perverted. It saved my life! I had suffered from serve depression my entire adult life. Suicide was always a consideration.

Now, my life is turning around! I'm cancer free. (Surgery took care of that). My wife is understanding and supportive. We have decided that I should start HRT to help with the depression and dysphoria. I have been "out" as Joanne many times, and if feels so natural to me. I dress very conservatively and try to just blend in as a women. I feel so relaxed when out. It is a feeling I can not even describe! I've waited 66 for this, and finally I know who I am. Good luck with your journey! I hope you will be able to experience the person you have been hiding all these years. 

Joanne         

[Emma1017]

Wow Joanne thank you for sharing!

Emma,
As you can see from the responses here, you are not alone! I'm 66 and I was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 years ago. My biggest concern when I got the news was I would never be able to experience living as I felt on the inside. My wife and I were celebrating 43 years of marriage, and all I wanted was to be me. So, we sat down and talked. We talked about the cancer, what treatment options I had, and what she should do if I didn't survive. I then tried to explain to her why I always enjoyed underdressing with women's clothing. I told her I needed to see a gender therapist, and I wanted her to go with me! That was the most emotional time we had ever experienced together. That appointment saved our marriage, and opened my eyes to why I had always felt this way. I wasn't sick or perverted. It saved my life! I had suffered from serve depression my entire adult life. Suicide was always a consideration.

Now, my life is turning around! I'm cancer free. (Surgery took care of that). My wife is understanding and supportive. We have decided that I should start HRT to help with the depression and dysphoria. I have been "out" as Joanne many times, and if feels so natural to me. I dress very conservatively and try to just blend in as a women. I feel so relaxed when out. It is a feeling I can not even describe! I've waited 66 for this, and finally I know who I am. Good luck with your journey! I hope you will be able to experience the person you have been hiding all these years. 

Joanne         

[Emma1017]

Thanks Joanne for giving me hope.

Emma,
As you can see from the responses here, you are not alone! I'm 66 and I was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 years ago. My biggest concern when I got the news was I would never be able to experience living as I felt on the inside. My wife and I were celebrating 43 years of marriage, and all I wanted was to be me. So, we sat down and talked. We talked about the cancer, what treatment options I had, and what she should do if I didn't survive. I then tried to explain to her why I always enjoyed underdressing with women's clothing. I told her I needed to see a gender therapist, and I wanted her to go with me! That was the most emotional time we had ever experienced together. That appointment saved our marriage, and opened my eyes to why I had always felt this way. I wasn't sick or perverted. It saved my life! I had suffered from serve depression my entire adult life. Suicide was always a consideration.

Now, my life is turning around! I'm cancer free. (Surgery took care of that). My wife is understanding and supportive. We have decided that I should start HRT to help with the depression and dysphoria. I have been "out" as Joanne many times, and if feels so natural to me. I dress very conservatively and try to just blend in as a women. I feel so relaxed when out. It is a feeling I can not even describe! I've waited 66 for this, and finally I know who I am. Good luck with your journey! I hope you will be able to experience the person you have been hiding all these years. 

Joanne         

[Emma1017]

One of the hardest things has been for me to accept that I am transgender. 

I keep hoping I am wrong, that it will go away or that there is a cure.  I know that I am stupid to keep hoping for things that can't happen but I still can't wrap my head around it.

If I can't how can I expect others in my life to?

I look in the mirror and just see a 62 year old guy...sigh