Which hurts less

[Alice V]

Hey, Emma, look from different side.
You lived 62 years to please everyone around you. Why you forbidden to live for yourself? Maybe that is question you have to ask your family?

[Tatiana 79]

Hello Emma
Sweetheart there is absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed about being trans you were born that way and had no control in the situation whatsoever.
And as far as it going away it's not going to happen, it's far better to accept your fate then deny it and be destroyed by it, as I almost was.
One of the worst things you can do is deny it because it'll only fester inside of you and grow worse.
 
I also thought it would go away when I got married but guess what it did not.
It's really no different than being born with another kind of sickness.
I think that you really need to accept this to be able to come to terms with it and it's no different than other sicknesses that are well understood.
It's just that gender dysphoria is not well understood so there's bound to be a lot of room for incorrect speculation.
  humans tend to fear and discriminate against things they don't understand and there's no difference here.

And yes there is a cure for it and I think you know what it is and let me tell you it really works. I have only been on HRT for 2 months and it is already working miracles for me greatly improving the quality of my life, isn't this what you also want.
Like you before treatment I would see the same thing in the mirror some old dude standing there but now things have totally changed and I see myself totally different in the mirror even though I have always seen the girl that lies behind my eyes that has always been there.
But now it's all very positive for me and I have hope for the future where before I had none and many of my physical ailments such as insomnia anxiety depression have been greatly diminished and been defanged.
I know this can be a little scary at your point but please realize you still have a lot of life to give and you can open a whole new chapter up in your life and embrace it as something that you've always wanted.
What happened to me was after I embraced it and receive treatment everyone else in my life seen the very positive results that happened from this and now they're all very glad that I started treatment because they know this was the medicine that I needed or the core issue that caused all those other problems I had.
Do not think you're too old and this cannot be achieved.
Just check out warlockmaker if you don't believe me because I believe she started transition around your age and now she's just a gorgeous woman.
I honestly can say that it totally changed my life around and I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life very much and I probably Never Felt This Good in my previous entire life
But accepting who you are comes first being transgender before you can start to feel better about yourself

All the best to you sweetheart
  love Tatiana

[Emma1017]

Thanks Alice.  I have a hard time doing something that is entirely for me.

I just can't convince myself to hurt my wife.  We have been together since college and she is the love of my life.

Hey, Emma, look from different side.
You lived 62 years to please everyone around you. Why you forbidden to live for yourself? Maybe that is question you have to ask your family?

[Emma1017]

Thank you Tatiana.

I feel that you are right.  I am just afraid to inflict the intense emotional pain on my wife.  She deserves better.

Hello Emma
Sweetheart there is absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed about being trans you were born that way and had no control in the situation whatsoever.
And as far as it going away it's not going to happen, it's far better to accept your fate then deny it and be destroyed by it, as I almost was.
One of the worst things you can do is deny it because it'll only fester inside of you and grow worse.
 
I also thought it would go away when I got married but guess what it did not.
It's really no different than being born with another kind of sickness.
I think that you really need to accept this to be able to come to terms with it and it's no different than other sicknesses that are well understood.
It's just that gender dysphoria is not well understood so there's bound to be a lot of room for incorrect speculation.
  humans tend to fear and discriminate against things they don't understand and there's no difference here.

And yes there is a cure for it and I think you know what it is and let me tell you it really works. I have only been on HRT for 2 months and it is already working miracles for me greatly improving the quality of my life, isn't this what you also want.
Like you before treatment I would see the same thing in the mirror some old dude standing there but now things have totally changed and I see myself totally different in the mirror even though I have always seen the girl that lies behind my eyes that has always been there.
But now it's all very positive for me and I have hope for the future where before I had none and many of my physical ailments such as insomnia anxiety depression have been greatly diminished and been defanged.
I know this can be a little scary at your point but please realize you still have a lot of life to give and you can open a whole new chapter up in your life and embrace it as something that you've always wanted.
What happened to me was after I embraced it and receive treatment everyone else in my life seen the very positive results that happened from this and now they're all very glad that I started treatment because they know this was the medicine that I needed or the core issue that caused all those other problems I had.
Do not think you're too old and this cannot be achieved.
Just check out warlockmaker if you don't believe me because I believe she started transition around your age and now she's just a gorgeous woman.
I honestly can say that it totally changed my life around and I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life very much and I probably Never Felt This Good in my previous entire life
But accepting who you are comes first being transgender before you can start to feel better about yourself

All the best to you sweetheart
  love Tatiana

[KatieP]

Thank you Tatiana.

I feel that you are right.  I am just afraid to inflict the intense emotional pain on my wife.  She deserves better.

You're right. She does deserve better.

And, you getting worse, which is what will happen, will not be better for her.

Kate

[Mari P]

You're right. She does deserve better.

And, you getting worse, which is what will happen, will not be better for her.

Kate

Thank you Kate for saying what I was about to, albeit slightly different words.
Emma,
If you are not yourself, then your wife either has lost you already or never really had you. The same goes for you my dear.
That said, I will qualify my remarks with this caveat: who you truly are may not be someone who values your own self first. I personally found that was exactly my problem my whole life and why it took so long for me to realize who I am. Now, I honestly can't say if the two are possibly even separate things. "I love myself because I know who I am" or "I know who I am because I love myself"? It's an answer I don't find any value in determining because it's a win both ways.


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[RobynD]

Marriage is a balance and it absolutely has to be subject to change over its life. If not it is only you living for another's ideas, values, expectations, and overall comfort.

Sure, marriages are never completely one-sided, stuff always flows back the other way. While that sacrifice is admirable to a large extent, I agree it is both unfair to you and her, because it robs both of you, the ability to see yourself as you are. The security of that may feel better than the unknown, no doubt about it and only you can make that value judgment.

I never, ever saw myself or my spouse leaving our marriage, it really was so good for both of us in so many ways, but ultimately I knew I owed it to both of us to be real and then "come what may". There are many days I regret it but ultimately what were my choices? For me, integrity and love meant I could only go one way. I'm still alive, still striving and I have found new love. Good luck and deepest feelings for whatever you choose.

[Emma1017]

It just goes against everything that I am to inflict that kind of pain. 

She has lost everyone in her family to cancer, including our oldest son. 

This is painful and I am trying to figure out how I can cope but I feel like its a rigged game that inevitably I will lose.

Its like an addiction without any treatment.

[KatieP]

Oh, Honey!

There is absolutely a treatment. And best of all, concerning that treatment, YOU (YOU!!!) get to decide your part of it.

Literally ALL of us have made some compromise somewhere along our transgender path. All of us. And, the best part is that you get to chose your own compromises. The ones I made are not the ones you have to choose.


Equally, you only have to make one step at a time. You do NOT have to decide the END today. You only have to decide today's steps whichever direction they may lead. There is no one who knows the end of their journey. I suggest: Don't worry about all the things that MIGHT happen. Only decide on the next thing you have to decide on today, and then take that step, whichever way you need to go.


And, the point of a good therapist is to help you take on only as much as you can at each step.


And, of course, there are hundreds of people on this forum, in every stage of this journey, apparently more than happy to share their experiences. Of course none of them means anything really to you. You get to blaze your own path... (Thank goodness...)


Kate

[Anita43]

Hi Emma,

It sure sounds like you are getting a lot of wonderful support here full of wisdom, and encouragement to help you with whatever path you ultimately choose. I too am new to finally accepting my transgendered self. I don't have wisdom to share like others here, but I simply wanted to chime in as another person letting you know that you are not alone. Keep going to your therapist, working through everything, and I believe you will find a happy solution that works for you and your wife. It sounds like you two have been through a lot together, and I'm positive you can surely make it through this and you will both be happy being yourselves.

Sincerely,
Anita

[Emma1017]

Thank you all for everything that has been said. 

I feel like I have been selfishly dragging everyone through my circular path of pain as if I am the only one.  It helps to know that I am not alone at all.

Your heartfelt words give me hope and that means everything.  Thanks for listening and being there.

[Alice V]

Emma you're not alone and this is probably was first thing people said to you Perhaps it requires some time to settle I guess
And there's nothing wrong to be selfish. Everyone is selfish, they just choosing what they want and do actually what they want. So don't worry about that People here for you, we want to help you somehow. Trick is that you should help yourself otherwise we can do nothing

[Emma1017]

Thank you Alice. 

I am fighting accepting who and what I am.  I keep pushing back hoping I can have peace with the life I have right now but it is a 24/7 battle.

I have a great therapist and she my greatest ally right now.  She keeps telling me I need time to process.  I guess at 62 I am not that patient.  I want the answer that will let be where I am right now in my life.  I honestly don't want to be trans....but I am.

She keeps pointing out how I keep putting other and their needs ahead of mine...I know of no other way.  I grew up macho with the concept of "I will take the bullet for you". 

Last February I started having panic attacking and started to quietly cry on the subway platform on the way home from work...that is NOT me but maybe it really is me trying to communicate and I am a fool for fighting it.

I still need to process.

[RobynD]

Thank you Alice. 

I am fighting accepting who and what I am.  I keep pushing back hoping I can have peace with the life I have right now but it is a 24/7 battle.

I have a great therapist and she my greatest ally right now.  She keeps telling me I need time to process.  I guess at 62 I am not that patient.  I want the answer that will let be where I am right now in my life.  I honestly don't want to be trans....but I am.

She keeps pointing out how I keep putting other and their needs ahead of mine...I know of no other way.  I grew up macho with the concept of "I will take the bullet for you". 

Last February I started having panic attacking and started to quietly cry on the subway platform on the way home from work...that is NOT me but maybe it really is me trying to communicate and I am a fool for fighting it.

I still need to process.

The term "take a bullet for you" resonates with me, big time. It's not necessarily macho though. What mother would not do that for her child?

The thing is - I would take a bullet for my spouse, partner, family member etc in a heartbeat. Sacrifice and done and the idea is that they carry on. But... would I ever be capable of taking "death by 100000 paper cuts" (i just made that up)? Probably not, not for anyone. I'm only human and can endure only so much with the coping mechanisms I have. Sacrifice is finite and some sacrifice feels infinite.

[Mari P]

Please, (not literally of course) take a bullet for yourself. Instead of sacrificing yourself for others all the time, sacrifice FOR YOURSELF.

The thing is - I would take a bullet for my spouse, partner, family member etc in a heartbeat. Sacrifice and done and the idea is that they carry on. But... would I ever be capable of taking "death by 100000 paper cuts" (i just made that up)? Probably not, not for anyone. I'm only human and can endure only so much with the coping mechanisms I have. Sacrifice is finite and some sacrifice feels infinite.

I'm reposting this here from my public page on FB.

#fact
Another fact is that even the tallest, most majestic of mountains, are slowly eroded by seemingly insignificant things. Remember that the next time you think a careless word isn't that big of a deal.
❤️
"No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood."[emoji26]


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[Emma1017]

Wow Robyn well said. 

A bullet is quick and over.  It is not the long, painful torture that we all seem to have endured.

I guess I haven't reached the point yet to say "enough" and decide that my pain is worse than anyone else, including my wife.

Based on what I have read here, it seems only a matter of time until I do.

The term "take a bullet for you" resonates with me, big time. It's not necessarily macho though. What mother would not do that for her child?

The thing is - I would take a bullet for my spouse, partner, family member etc in a heartbeat. Sacrifice and done and the idea is that they carry on. But... would I ever be capable of taking "death by 100000 paper cuts" (i just made that up)? Probably not, not for anyone. I'm only human and can endure only so much with the coping mechanisms I have. Sacrifice is finite and some sacrifice feels infinite.

[Emma1017]

Thank you Kathy for your great advice.  I have updated number 9 my "Top 10" with your help:

9.   You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand.  If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar.  If you do tell you may have selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is stronger and she has the heart of a warrior.

I believe I am married to a "warrior" but I need to do a better job enlisting her help.  I just need to get more courage.  Maybe it will come with my final acceptance of who I am.

Emma, I think that your first eight points sum up the pre-transition transgender experience extremely well.  For the last two points, they can happen, but it doesn't inevitably work out that way.

Some wives are made of warrior material, and will stand by their spouse no matter what.  Mine did, and I know there are many others that did as well.  The warrior nature is not always evident until they are tested.  So telling one's wife, even though it can be as scary as heck, does not always end in disaster.

Workplaces and society in general are starting to come around to acceptance and even support for us.  Yes, there are a few reactionary holdouts making a lot of noise, and finding oneself on the wrong side of then is not nice, but the reality is not usually as bad as our fears.

[Emma1017]

Thank you Mari for your very kind words and support.  I recently bought a print that had this quote from Plato:

   "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

The collective kindness that I have felt from you and everyone else is very humbling.

Please, (not literally of course) take a bullet for yourself. Instead of sacrificing yourself for others all the time, sacrifice FOR YOURSELF.
I'm reposting this here from my public page on FB.

#fact
Another fact is that even the tallest, most majestic of mountains, are slowly eroded by seemingly insignificant things. Remember that the next time you think a careless word isn't that big of a deal.

"No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood."[emoji26]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[christinej78]

One of the hardest things has been for me to accept that I am transgender. 

I keep hoping I am wrong, that it will go away or that there is a cure.  I know that I am stupid to keep hoping for things that can't happen but I still can't wrap my head around it.

If I can't how can I expect others in my life to?

I look in the mirror and just see a 62 year old guy...sigh

Hi Emma,                     14 September 2018

I'm relatively new here and I probably don't have enough experience or creds to be offering advice to you or anyone for that matter, though I'm going to try.

Those of us that are trans developed differently while in utero; if MTF our bodies received testosterone and our brains received estrogen. The end result is we are transgender. We were dealt a hand of cards. In that hand are a Queen and a King. This is something you should look at as a plus. We have an option that cis people don't readily have. If we so choose, we can change from male to female to align our bodies with our brains.

We have to keep in mind we only have one life to live while on this planet. We have a right and an obligation to be happy.

Before you do anything else I'd recommend that you find a professional counselor that specializes in Transgender issues and is hopefully MTF transgender themselves. They can help guide you and your spouse, but first see the counselor by yourself. They can help you bring your wife on board.

I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how accepting your wife and children will be of your decision to transition.

If I were you, I wouldn't worry about being 62. you are only as old as you think. I think you are probably one of the youngsters here. It's only too late when they are shoveling dirt onto us. You have adequate time, believe me.

A little background on me; I started attending counseling 08 March 2018, I've been here at Susan's Place since 15 March 2018, began HRT 27 March 2018, and Orchiectomy  surgery 13 April 2018. I've been living full time as a woman for almost 7 years. The only things I don't do are to wear dresses and try to pass as a female due to current physical limitations. In time those issues will be dealt with. I want to wait for the HRT to do its work before I do the rest of mine.

Best of luck on your journey to being who and what you want to be. You are in a good place with lots of fine folks that can help you along the way.

Best Always, Love
Christine

PS:

Almost forgot to mention that I turned 78 years young this past August. Take care young lady.

[Emma1017]

Christine you humble me.  Thank you for your inspiration!