Hooray, Emma, for being smart enough to turn to therapy when you felt crushed! And hooray for all that you learned during the past month! I love your considering, "maybe it really is me trying to communicate and I am a fool for fighting it."
I noticed that you also wrote, "if I transition I will hurt everyone in my life ... and destroy everything I have created in my life." As Tatiana reminded you, being trans is not your fault. I want to reassure you that even though it's not your fault, you have choices about the way that you transition, and when. If now isn't a good time for transitioning, then put it on the back burner. Wait until you feel stronger. Talk with your wife and therapist more about pros and cons and timing. In the meantime, do good things for yourself, and make sure that you * * * surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. * * * Look for the support that you need so you can enjoy transitioning. Build the social structure that you need so you can stop feeling alone. As far as I can see, these forums are a great place to find that support, and you're doing great connecting with it. I'm glad that you're here.
I wonder if you would find it possible some time to sit down in a very safe, comfortable place, and imagine how wonderful transitioning could be. Write down all of the wonderful results that you can imagine. Look back at LizK's and others' tremendous responses. Reach for the best-case scenarios, like when you wrote, "I believe I am married to a "warrior" but I need to do a better job enlisting her help." How could your transition help everyone who is important in your life? How could it strengthen everything that you have created in your life? Think about how you would like the most important people in your life to respond. Make it the best story ever. When you are exhausted, then start to think about the one little tiny baby step that you could take toward this wonderful goal, just like KatieP wrote. The teeniest, safest, easiest baby step. Then, give yourself plenty of time to complete it. I hope that this helps. I want you to move forward in peace, not at a frantic pace.
I feel your pain as you struggle with your trans-ness, especially as you wrote, "I still can't wrap my head around it. If I can't how can I expect others in my life to?" Unfortunately, that's part of your transition. It looks like your transition is happening, whether you like it or not, your drive is so strong. I cherish this. I think that who you were born to be is more sacred than who you might ever pretend to be. As Mari wrote, "If you are not yourself, then your wife either has lost you already or never really had you." I believe that who you were born to be is the one person whom you will be the most successful being.
I hope that you can find a way to shine brightly today as you! Best wishes...
