Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

I got a very strong suggestion to not put my photo up until I officially come out.  Its too early for me to make it official and there is a good chance that I might be recognized.

Its a tough world we live in.

[Linde]

I got a very strong suggestion to not put my photo up until I officially come out.  Its too early for me to make it official and there is a good chance that I might be recognized.

Its a tough world we live in.

That is the reason that I hat the cat as avatar.  However, it is very liberating to be out to the world.  Today I was a a Thanksgiving luncheon of the regional senior center, and I went in female mode.  Everybody i talked to was excited (and they were all over 55) that i finally can be who I was meant to be.  Even the older men thought it was great (probably in the hope to have another "chic" they can hit on???).

I decided not to care anymore if somebody will mis-gender me, I correct them politely and move on!  Finally I can be who I am, and I know that I am a woman.  Nobody in the world knows this better than I do, and I will not allow them to talk me down!

[Emma1017]

Good for you Dietlind.  Great news

[Linde]

Good for you Dietlind.  Great news

Thank you!  I am now a week on the estrogen patch, but to be honest, I feel nothing except the thirst and the desire to eat pickled food.
Or could it be that it boosted my confidence and allows me to take everything easier?  I don't have any of the feelings you girls describe.  Could it really be that it reacts with my intersex body different than with the bodies of originally cis people?

[Emma1017]

The common answer is YMMV:  "your mileage may vary".

Everyone's body responds differently.

[Linde]

The common answer is YMMV:  "your mileage may vary".

Everyone's body responds differently.

It looks like as if I am getting a long stretch on E, without realizing that I am on it!
I just put my second one week patch on!

[christinej78]

It looks like as if I am getting a long stretch on E, without realizing that I am on it!
I just put my second one week patch on!

Hi Dietlind,                   16 Nov 2018

I noticed after four days on the patches that I could pee like I did 20 years ago. The rest of the changes have been slow: Calmness, being happier, smiling more, BOOBs (don't want to forget them) lack of aggression, lack of libido (at 78 who needs it) and more emotional.

Rather than use AAs I had my orchiectomy about 16 days after starting HRT sans spiro / AAs. My only regret is that I didn't do this 20 or 30 years ago.

I'm not a expert, just an "exspurt;" I believe everyone reacts to HRT in their own way. Just sit back and enjoy the transformation. Oh yeah, I like myself better because I'm no longer on edge.

Best Always, Love
Christine

[Linde]

Hi Dietlind,                   16 Nov 2018

I noticed after four days on the patches that I could pee like I did 20 years ago. The rest of the changes have been slow: Calmness, being happier, smiling more, BOOBs (don't want to forget them) lack of aggression, lack of libido (at 78 who needs it) and more emotional.

Rather than use AAs I had my orchiectomy about 16 days after starting HRT sans spiro / AAs. My only regret is that I didn't do this 20 or 30 years ago.

I'm not a expert, just an "exspurt;" I believe everyone reacts to HRT in their own way. Just sit back and enjoy the transformation. Oh yeah, I like myself better because I'm no longer on edge.

Best Always, Love
Christine

Hi Chris
Most of the reactions you got from the patches came to me naturally.  My boobs started to grow about 2 years ago, I had never ever problems with peeing, and lack of aggression started to set in about 10 or so years ago.  don't forget that I am intersex, and a lot of the stuff is just the way my body developed.

[Linde]

To elaborate a little on the hurting theme, I had my first laser hair removal today.  I was not bad at all.  I have two more sessions scheduled, one month apart each.  Once that is done they said they will do a patchwork touch-up with electrolysis.
On Monday I am scheduled to get my face treated with microneedeling.  After that all my small wrinkles should be gone for good.
If just my stupid hair would grow faster, because I hate to wear a wig!

[Emma1017]

Based on HRT experiences I have read, it can either have a calming effect or it can be a second emotional dance with puberty. 

Is it either or both?

What experience have others had?

[Linde]

Based on HRT experiences I have read, it can either have a calming effect or it can be a second emotional dance with puberty. 

Is it either or both?

What experience have others had?

I still wonder what it does to me.  The only real result I found last night was blistering skin at the location the patch was.  I don't think that this is a planned result with my HRT!

I think my pregnancy feeling is mostly over, nothing else is felt currently!

[HappyMoni]

Based on HRT experiences I have read, it can either have a calming effect or it can be a second emotional dance with puberty. 

Is it either or both?

What experience have others had?

Hi Emma,
   HRT, and I can only speak for me, calmed my dysphoria but also, after a while, put me in touch with my emotions. I have often used the analogy that before HRT my emotions were like a black and white TV. After being on HRT for a while, my emotions were like color TV. It was a slow process though and at times I thought nothing was happening. Then one day, you realize how different you have become. Over the years, it has varied in intensity. I guess  you get used to the emotions more. Now I just feel like me. Of course that is a me that sees an emotional event (like on TV) and absorbs it like osmosis. I might describe it as an incredibly slow ton of bricks falling on you, like if it took 6 months to fall.
Moni
Hi Dietlind, like your attitude on the misgendering thing.

[Emma1017]

Thanks Moni!

As I go through this process I am trying to recognize what was me and what changes are occurring to me.  Its a tough mix of emotions, psychology, the physical, subtle change  and no real change at all.

I want to make sure I am real honest with myself.

Emma

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Emma,
   HRT, and I can only speak for me, calmed my dysphoria but also, after a while, put me in touch with my emotions. I have often used the analogy that before HRT my emotions were like a black and white TV. After being on HRT for a while, my emotions were like color TV. It was a slow process though and at times I thought nothing was happening. Then one day, you realize how different you have become. Over the years, it has varied in intensity. I guess  you get used to the emotions more. Now I just feel like me. Of course that is a me that sees an emotional event (like on TV) and absorbs it like osmosis. I might describe it as an incredibly slow ton of bricks falling on you, like if it took 6 months to fall.
Moni
Hi Dietlind, like your attitude on the misgendering thing.

It was very much like this for me too. In the first 12 months the gentle yet relentless march of estrogen has a progressive/ compounding effect.

  Kirsten x.

[MarshaJoy825]

Thank you all for your responses.  I haven't figured out how to private message.  I wanted to share what I have learned so far.  Let me know if I missed anything:

1.   It is a biological condition not a mental disorder.
2.   It is not a choice.  It is hardwired before birth and is then buried under layers of male hormones, male   socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
3.   The problem is that gender dysphoria does not go away as you get older.  It just gets stronger as those layers begin to wear away and the mental anguish it causes becomes unbearable.
4.   The irony with gender dysphoria is that it appears to worsen in direct proportion to the effort to fight it.
5.   Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast.  Family and friends generally lack the capacity to support, help or understand.  In most instances they do the complete opposite.   
6.   Without an adequate outlet, gender dysphoria is a corrosive, emotional force with limited options.
7.   You spend years not understanding what's wrong with you but you always have a sense shame, discomfort and distress.
8.   On top of everything else, gender dysphoria places the entire weigh of guilt on your shoulders for something you didn't choose.
9.   You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand.  If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar.  If you do tell you have selfishly destroyed her life.
10.   When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.

Emma, I have recently joined the forum. I Can relate so much with what you have written. I especially enjoyed the above quote because it speaks so much to my life these many years. I do wish the best for you as you take each step of your journey. Hugs from Marsha

[Linde]

Thanks Moni!

As I go through this process I am trying to recognize what was me and what changes are occurring to me.  Its a tough mix of emotions, psychology, the physical, subtle change  and no real change at all.

I want to make sure I am real honest with myself.

Emma

This makes it so really hard for me to determine, what estrogen is doing for/to me.  All the changes you all describe, were happening to me over the last 15 to 10 years, with biological changes real evident for 2 - 3 years now.
The only real difference I felt was the carving for sour/salty stuff and a relentless thirst.  The carvings are over now, the thirst is going down a bit.
I am really confused, because I am now over a week on the patch, and can't recognize any real effect!  What is the stuff doing to me? Anything?
I envy you all for the milestones you can mark off, my only milestones are skin blisters at the patch site!

[KatieP]

I am really confused, because I am now over a week on the patch, and can't recognize any real effect!  What is the stuff doing to me? Anything?

Perhaps hard to hear, but patience is needed in this process. Genetic women start estrogen about 13, and aren't mostly mature for 5 years, and they have no competing hormones. Let it ride for 6 or 8 months and see if you notice anything. Then a year from now, tell us what you feel. It will be different. There is no easy button, nor is there a fast forward button.

Kate

[Linde]

Perhaps hard to hear, but patience is needed in this process. Genetic women start estrogen about 13, and aren't mostly mature for 5 years, and they have no competing hormones. Let it ride for 6 or 8 months and see if you notice anything. Then a year from now, tell us what you feel. It will be different. There is no easy button, nor is there a fast forward button.

Kate

I understand.  My problem is that I am partially a genetic woman (intersex), and the identification markers, most feel after several months of HRT, are already present with me (no hair loss, extremely reduced size of genitals, breast growth).  I just don't know how to measure the effects of estrogen with my specific makeup.  What can a person like I expect, gigantic breasts or something like this?
I mean if former cis people get breasts with D cup measures, what will I get who starts out with almost a B cup?  My body is slowly transitioning for about 15 years now.  All the emotional changes are there already, almost all the physical changes are in progress without any extra estrogen.  And that is my question, what would additional estrogen do with my body?  Changing it faster, or what else could happen.  I wish it would grow my hair faster, but I might wish for that forever, it will grow 1/2" per month, with or without estrogen (I  think).

[Emma1017]

Hi Marsha.  Thanks for your warm wishes and I wish you the same.  I updated #9:

9.  You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand.  If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar.  If you do tell you may have selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is stronger and she has the heart of a warrior.

Kirsten thanks always for your thoughts.

Katie, I agree that this process takes patience but wow, that's tough after waiting all these years!

Hugs all,

Emma

[KatieP]

What can a person like I expect, gigantic breasts or something like this?
I mean if former cis people get breasts with D cup measures, what will I get who starts out with almost a B cup?  My body is slowly transitioning for about 15 years now.  All the emotional changes are there already, almost all the physical changes are in progress without any extra estrogen.  And that is my question, what would additional estrogen do with my body? 

What can a person like you expect? So, I am not a doctor and all that. I don't know, and probably not many here do. I presume your own doctor would have given you some idea on that.

And, not nearly your situation, but I have some experience with long-term estrogen exposure, stopping, and then starting. Perhaps it gives one data point:

I was on some form of estrogen for about 30 years. When I turned 60, my GP said, "No mas" and also reminded me that cis women stop producing estrogen at some point, and they do not lose their womanhood in doing so. So, I thought I would see how it went. Physically, I noticed very little. But mentally, after 3 or 4 months, I just did not feel like me. Hoping to go back on estrogen, I went back to the GP, who said essentially, go see an endocrinologist. That took a while, but about 10 months after stopping, I was back on estrogen. I noticed almost no physical changes at that point. But again, after about 3 months, I started to feel more like me. Every month, I feel a bit more like me. It's been more than a year back on estrogen, and again, almost no discernable physical changes from 2 years ago when I had been on estrogen for 30 years.

So, what will your changes be? If you have been slowly physically transitioning over the last 15 years, I expect you won't see many differences at all. After 30 years on E, on or off E, physically, I was very close to the same. Maybe this happens to you too. However, whatever the change, especially with physical changes, they will happen very slowly.

Kate