Which hurts less

[MarshaJoy825]

Hi Marsha.  Thanks for your warm wishes and I wish you the same.  I updated #9:

9.  You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand.  If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar.  If you do tell you may have selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is stronger and she has the heart of a warrior.

Emma, thanks so much for the updated version of #9. I wish my wife will have the heart of a warrior in fighting with me, but I believe it will be completely against me as Marsha. I am so glad to see the progress you are making!  Hugs from Marsha

[Emma1017]

Hi Marsha:

It feels like we are forced to walk a path of broken emotional glass.  I have learned from others here that once you accept who you are and draw strength from that knowledge, there is a chance that you can find some peace and hopefully acceptance from others.

It is worth the chance. 

There are those who can't follow you on your very personal journey but you must hope that you will find those that will join you.  I believe that this forum is proof that we are not alone and that, if we have the strength and courage, we will find the support we deserve.

Best wishes and hug to you,

Emma

[Linde]

So, what will your changes be? If you have been slowly physically transitioning over the last 15 years, I expect you won't see many differences at all. After 30 years on E, on or off E, physically, I was very close to the same. Maybe this happens to you too. However, whatever the change, especially with physical changes, they will happen very slowly.

Kate

Thank you!  Your example might give me the closest idea possible!  I do hope that estrogen makes my breasts growing a little faster, because with the rate they are currently growing, I might need another 15 or 20 years until I reach a C cup (my hoped for goal size).
I think nobody can really reliable project, how hormones influence individual biological systems (like people), it just would be nice if I would find some progress markers like others can.

[KatieP]

until I reach a C cup (my hoped for goal size).

Save up for breast augmentation. In 2 years, if you still want bigger boobs, spend your savings...   

Kate

[Linde]

Save up for breast augmentation. In 2 years, if you still want bigger boobs, spend your savings...   

Kate

I used to have a set of implants on my desk used as paper weights.  I still might have them sitting in my garage next to the old oil  .
I probably could clean them up nicely, and use them for my implants.  I might even be able to assist the surgeon, and could get a price break??? 

[KatieP]

I used to have a set of implants on my desk used as paper weights.  I still might have them sitting in my garage next to the old oil  .
I probably could clean them up nicely, and use them for my implants.  I might even be able to assist the surgeon, and could get a price break??? 

Having not had BA surgery, I am not certain. But I don't think the major costs of BA surgery are the implants themselves...



Plus, there is the consultation with the surgeon to talk of how large you want to be after surgery...

Kate

[Moonflower]

Thanks Emma for all that you're sharing here. It helps my SO and me to prepare for when she begins HRT. I appreciate any pointers for us SOs who want to be ultimate supporters. What has your wife done that you appreciate? What more would you like her to do?

Thanks everyone here for being so encouraging.

[Emma1017]

Hi Moonflower:

I selfishly wish she could accept me as I really am and that is a lot to ask for.  Right now I enjoy her love but I know that she hopes that HRT will be enough for me.   

Part of me wants that too but there is a part of me that has wanted to go shoe shopping with her and trying on dresses and playing with make up and to sit around girlfriends and feel their acceptance.

Totally selfish.  Its a hope that I would love to occur but I appreciate how difficult it is to realize.

In fairness to my wife I intend to patiently find what I need for us both to be happy.


Wishing you love and strength on your path,

Emma

[MarshaJoy825]

Hi Marsha:

It feels like we are forced to walk a path of broken emotional glass.  I have learned from others here that once you accept who you are and draw strength from that knowledge, there is a chance that you can find some peace and hopefully acceptance from others.

It is worth the chance. 

There are those who can't follow you on your very personal journey but you must hope that you will find those that will join you.  I believe that this forum is proof that we are not alone and that, if we have the strength and courage, we will find the support we deserve.

Best wishes and hug to you,

Emma

Dear Emma,
     Thanks so very much to responding to my post here. Your words are quite wise about our journey. It can be a lonely and confusing journey, but there are friends along the way that are so very helpful and encouraging. You and many others here are such people. It is nice that we can help each other in the journey.  Hugs from Marsha

[Emma1017]

Glad it helped Marsha.  I learned from others here.  Hugs, Emma

[Kirsteneklund7]

  Hey Emma,
                   as a side note in your HRT journey- has your sense of smell altered in any way. I personally found once the mansweat goes away other people become much more noticeable with respect to smell.

  Yours truly,  Kirsten.

[Linde]

  Hey Emma,
                   as a side note in your HRT journey- has your sense of smell altered in any way. I personally found once the mansweat goes away other people become much more noticeable with respect to smell.

  Yours truly,  Kirsten.

I am not Emma, but I have a question.  What do you mean with mansweat?  Is that your own sweat?  Does that smell different that sweat of a female?  Did it smell different than your current sweat?

I never did sweat much (my main sweat area is the rear of my head).  I did not really sweat under my arms, and still do not sweat much there.  The smell of my sweat has never changed (another intersex thing???)

I wish I would be able to define any markers between pre HRT and during HRT, but nothing at all has changed for me!

[Kirsteneklund7]

I am not Emma, but I have a question.  What do you mean with mansweat?  Is that your own sweat?  Does that smell different that sweat of a female?  Did it smell different than your current sweat?

I never did sweat much (my main sweat area is the rear of my head).  I did not really sweat under my arms, and still do not sweat much there.  The smell of my sweat has never changed (another intersex thing???)

I wish I would be able to define any markers between pre HRT and during HRT, but nothing at all has changed for me!

Yes Dietlind the mansweat is  biological male sweat when an individual is running on the standard level of natural male androgens.
Men have a distinctive smell that women do not.

When one starts MTF HRT androgen levels fall into the average female range- the male sweat smell stops. This scenario in combination with female levels of estrogen means other peoples smell becomes much more obvious.

On MTF HRT the sense of smell in general becomes more acute.

    Kirsten[emoji105][emoji104][emoji103]


Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Kirsteneklund7]

Sorry I may have misunterstood the question but - yes thats how it was for me.

Was your previous androgen level high?

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Emma1017]

Hi Kirsten:

Mansweat was never really been an issue for me and I haven't noticed any new sense of smell.

This is still my first month on HRT.  The only things I have noticed so far is a drop in libido and an increase in fatigue.

It may not even be the HRT.  I may just have a cold (I have had a slight runny nose for the last week).   

My HRT experience so far feels like a being a kid three months away from Christmas, I just got the toy catalog but still no toys.

The one thing that has been noticeable has been my craving for egg sandwiches but with no noticeable weight gain...yay.


Warm regards,

Emma

[Linde]

Sorry I may have misunterstood the question but - yes thats how it was for me.

Was your previous androgen level high?

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

I don't think so, because I am slowly transitioning for about 15 years now (or better my body decided to do that), and I take the highest possible dose of finasteride for about 6 years now.
That may be the reason that I do not sense any different sweat smell on me ?

[Moonflower]

Hi Moonflower:

I selfishly wish she could accept me as I really am and that is a lot to ask for. 

I couldn't disagree more! First, you must accept yourself, and what you want, so I've heard. What do you think?

Right now I enjoy her love but I know that she hopes that HRT will be enough for me.   

How do you feel about committing to nothing more than HRT right now, at this moment? Or taking one step at a time? Or... It's got to be tough, weighing the driving urge to be who you are against all that you might lose if you are who you are. I've been there, done that, and it happened to work out really well. I understand the struggle to allow one's inner self to release; to become unable to live up to others' expectations and demands, and to let one's life become entirely shattered. In my case, I'm so glad that the tsunami-strength wave of events forced me into it. The disruption worked out better than any fairy tale.

But back to what you want, vs what you have now at this moment:

Part of me wants that too but there is a part of me that has wanted to go shoe shopping with her and trying on dresses and playing with make up and to sit around girlfriends and feel their acceptance.

Totally selfish.  Its a hope that I would love to occur but I appreciate how difficult it is to realize.

I feel your yearning for such warm, fuzzy, fantastic experiences. I feel great sadness that your wife isn't ready to do these things. I wish that she could see how my spouse and I interact, so she could see how much fun we're having discovering and enlivening the woman who has been hiding.

In fairness to my wife I intend to patiently find what I need for us both to be happy.

I wonder if this is the key to the whole mess: you patiently finding what you both need so you can both be happy. What could be better than that? I must admit that sometimes when I think that my spouse (@BlueStar) doesn't want something that I really want, I state simply something like, "so, I understand that you don't want me to (insert whatever)." I'm stunned when she almost always expresses her support, when put on the spot like that. For her, supporting me is more important than her objections. That has been an incredible discovery, but I realize now that I should never expect less.

Wishing you love and strength on your path,

Emma

You too, dear Emma! Thanks for sharing your path with us here.

[Emma1017]

Hi Moonflower:

I absolutely agree with you that I must accept myself before I can expect anyone else to accept me.  That has been my path on this long thread.

I guess what I was saying is that my wife and I are still processing what is a very difficult thing to understand.  The fact that we are still together is proof of the depth of our love and strength of our relationship.

Like every long term relationship, there has to be flex on both sides to sustain the relationship.

I am willing to be patient and maybe HRT will be enough for me and she is willing to talk and listen and hug me.

As I wrote earlier: "My HRT experience so far feels like a being a kid three months away from Christmas, I just got the toy catalog but still no toys."

I can only hope that my wife will enjoy playing with the "toys" together with me some day as you and your spouse are doing.

Thanks for your thoughts,

Emma

[Moonflower]

Hi Moonflower:

I guess what I was saying is that my wife and I are still processing what is a very difficult thing to understand.  The fact that we are still together is proof of the depth of our love and strength of our relationship.

Such a great state to celebrate!

[Emma1017]

Thank you Moonflower