Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

Thank you Joanne.

I'm sure that the HRT might be effecting my emotions.  The sadness and pain yesterday almost makes me want to rip the hormone patch off.

It was the emotional grinding in my heart and soul of the combination of the regular, normal human stuff with the super-abusive trans stuff that we all have...it just got to me yesterday.

I haven't cried that hard since I lost my son to leukemia four years ago.

Thank you all for your support.  It meant a lot.

Hugs,

Emma

[Linde]

Thank you Joanne.

I'm sure that the HRT might be effecting my emotions.  The sadness and pain yesterday almost makes me want to rip the hormone patch off.

It was the emotional grinding in my heart and soul of the combination of the regular, normal human stuff with the super-abusive trans stuff that we all have...it just got to me yesterday.

I haven't cried that hard since I lost my son to leukemia four years ago.

Thank you all for your support.  It meant a lot.

Hugs,

Emma

I feel really sorry for you for the loss of your child!  I can feel a little how you must be feeling, because we had a still born child!

You get used to the trans stuff over time, and it will not hurt that bad anymore.  I am working on it for about 1 years already, and it has become like some kind of routine to me.

As I wrote earlier, give yourself the permission to cry when you feel like it, it helps a lot with the feelings!
Hugs
Linde

[Emma1017]

Thanks Linde.

I didn't mean to include my loss to be dramatic.  I was just comparing that level of crying with the only other time in my life that I cried like that.

This journey is filled with so many emotional landmines.  I guess HRT is making me more emotionally exposed when they explode.

Thanks you again for your support,

Emma

[prettyoddsirens]

Hi Emma

I'm still a teenager and I definitely don't have much wisdom or experience in life yet, but I've been reading your thread and I just wanted to say that your story (and the really amazing support I can see from everyone else on this thread) has touched me. It gives me hope for my own transition and makes me happy to see all these people further along in life finally being able to experience their true selves. I truly hope you and your wife work through this together, and that your journey is empowering and liberating.

Best wishes,
Alex

[Emma1017]

Hi Alex:

Thank you for your very warm thoughts and wishes.  They mean a lot.  I am glad my thread has been helpful as I have been helped by others.

As you can read here, transitioning is a tough but not impossible process.  I hope you can come to a decision that makes sense for you and that you have the support and understanding of those around you.

Make sure that you seek professional guidance like we all have.  None of us were able to understand our needs without that help.  It is a very complex process with lots of good and bad turns.  Don't try to do it alone.  This site and my thread is obvious proof.

Best regards,

Emma

[Emma1017]

I posted this on another thread but realized that it really belonged here.

I have been really beating myself up over the last couple of days as to whether or not I have the courage to transition and the sacrifice it requires.

Alternatively, I have been also asking myself whether not transitioning requires even more of a sacrifice than I can possible make.

I keep trying to process but this circular argument is draining my soul. 

[Linde]

Only you can answer this for yourselves!  I feel great as a woman, my life seems to going very well, but I have less restrictions than most of you.  I have not to consider any fall out because of work problems, I am pretty secure financially and that will not change at all.  But..........

But if I would have known several years ago what was going on with me, and why I was destroying my marriage along the way, I would have done everything I would have been able to do to save my marriage, even up to going back into the closet!
I am now a pretty happy and content older woman, but I am alone and lonely!  I have many friends, but at night, when the street lights come on, I am sitting at home all alone!  I'd rather would not be a woman and have my wife at my side in the evenings.
But again, this is how I feel, everybody has to make their own decission.  I made the wrong one, and it is to late to change it now.  I have to make the best of it!

[Kirsteneklund7]

I posted this on another thread but realized that it really belonged here.

I have been really beating myself up over the last couple of days as to whether or not I have the courage to transition and the sacrifice it requires.

Alternatively, I have been also asking myself whether not transitioning requires even more of a sacrifice than I can possible make.

I keep trying to process but this circular argument is draining my soul.

I also have an internal argument going on over transition. I actually started to transition in 2016 and discovered the sacrifice was too great.

After 12 months of hormones in 2016. I stopped taking them and pulled back to a fully male, conventional husband for 2017. This probably saved the loss of my family but I couldnt go without regular time in womens clothes (often at night).

At the end of 2017 I really missed the relief estrogen gave me from my misaligned gender. I wanted to feel comfortable and euphoric again.

New years day 2018 I was back on cyproterone and estradiol. The euphoric feelings rapidly returned & I felt at ease once again.

I didnt push transition in 2018- I focussed on getting on with my life. To stave off existential angst I continued with electrolysis, spent spare time in female mode, bought some new womens clothes, Went for manicure & pedicure, eyelash & eyebrow tint. Looked after health and fitness. Maintained full dose HRT.

I tell myself even though I am living as a man I am putting as many things in place
to transition as I can. This keeps me going and if I must transition a lot of stuff is already done.

Emma what do you think would happen if you took the plunge ?

Kind regards, Kirsten.


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[Emma1017]

Hi Linde & Kristen:

Ultimately I am of afraid of losing my wife.  I know that I won't lose my son and I am willing to gamble losing those friends who can't or won't support me.  Everything else is just stuff.

But I am also questioning which life I want more.  I know how to be male, 63 years of perfecting the craft.  Admittedly, I am excited to finally have a chance to be the female I have always wanted to be.  It is exciting!...but is that who I want to be 5 years from now?

Kristen, you and I are following the "slow go" strategy.  It is the compromise solution but sometimes it feels like death by a thousand cuts.  I guess I just want to make one decision, stick with it and commit.

I am just not going to get off that easy. 

So back on the journey I go and as my therapist keeps hammering "process, process, process"

Thanks for listening and caring,

Emma

[Linde]

Emma, I am at the projected 5 years and then some.  I was about  55 to 60 when my life exploded.  I did not know what was going on!  I did never have the urge to wear female clothing, I just tried as hard as possible to be a man, until my funny biological make up decided different. 
Anyway, I went the route of slow transition, until this did not work anymore.  There is life after becoming an older woman.
I was lucky and did not lose any friends or relatives (all from my wife's side, I have no relatives left) , and most important, my son and his wife stand fully behind me.  I am now pretty good friends with my ex again, and she is one of my "consultants" now (we live about 2000 miles apart now, but texting and email makes everything possible). In fact, I gained a whole lot of new friends, and my circle of friends is now larger and of better quality.
My life as an older woman is good, full of fun stuff and pleasure.  My only problem are the lone evenings, and i don't know if this will ever change again!

I wish you lots of luck, love and most important, strength!

Linde

[Emma1017]

Linde I keep circling back to my original start to this thread, "which hurts less".  I really don't know if I am any closer to the answer.  It is all painful.

Strength is what I hope I can use to sustain me while I walk this painful path that everyone on this site has had to walk.

As always, thank you for your support,

Emma

[christinej78]

Emma, I am at the projected 5 years and then some.  I was about  55 to 60 when my life exploded.  I did not know what was going on!  I did never have the urge to wear female clothing, I just tried as hard as possible to be a man, until my funny biological make up decided different. 
Anyway, I went the route of slow transition, until this did not work anymore.  There is life after becoming an older woman.
I was lucky and did not lose any friends or relatives (all from my wife's side, I have no relatives left) , and most important, my son and his wife stand fully behind me.  I am now pretty good friends with my ex again, and she is one of my "consultants" now (we live about 2000 miles apart now, but texting and email makes everything possible). In fact, I gained a whole lot of new friends, and my circle of friends is now larger and of better quality.
My life as an older woman is good, full of fun stuff and pleasure. My only problem are the lone evenings, and i don't know if this will ever change again!


I wish you lots of luck, love and most important, strength!

Linde

Hi Linde,                     19 January 2019

Do not despair; I spent 35 years in self imposed isolation, not wanting any emotional ties. I came here to Susan's and my life has changed for the best it has ever been. I now have our Dena in my life; She is the Love of My Life. I am now happier than I have ever been. To top things off, she saved my life the day after Thanksgiving.

You will find someone when and where you least expect it.

Take care my friend, God Bless, Best Always, Love,
Christine

[Mari P]

Dill pickles and olives to excess! Also loving the salt and vinegar chips in moderation!

Lacy

I became addicted to pickles after HRT started. My desire for sweets dropped tremendously.


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[Mari P]

Hi Danielle:

After following your thread I am ready to move to a small town in Alaska!

Big hugs back,

Emma

EXACTLY!! I just said the same thing on my thread.

Stay strong ladies, we will get there. [emoji3590]


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[Linde]

Hi Linde,                     19 January 2019

Do not despair; I spent 35 years in self imposed isolation, not wanting any emotional ties. I came here to Susan's and my life has changed for the best it has ever been. I now have our Dena in my life; She is the Love of My Life. I am now happier than I have ever been. To top things off, she saved my life the day after Thanksgiving.

You will find someone when and where you least expect it.

Take care my friend, God Bless, Best Always, Love,
Christine

But here comes the problem Christine, you are to selfish to share Dena with me!  .  And I have not found my Dena yet, and don't know if others like her are around?  I know many cis women, but they are all widows and are actually happy to live alone, but none of them lives alone in a kind of self induced celibacy for more than 15 years, as I do.

Life for me is still good, but I really would like to have a person in mine, with who I can share it with.
When I moved to Florida, I bought a pretty large house with the hope that I do not live alone in it for the long haul.
Oh well, all the moaning does not help, I just have to hang in there!

How is your leg doing?  Are you back on estrogen?
I wish it will be all good with you again, cause the torch of the old trans women is to heavy to be carried by me alone!  I need your help with this!
Be well, have fun and I hope our friendship will last a very long time to come!  One of these days we might even see each other in person!
Lots of hugs!
Linde

[Emma1017]

It's funny but while I am constantly getting angry at discovering that I am transgender trying to decide what I want to do next, I have come to realize that the "glass" actually has some "water" in it, although certainly not half full.

At 63:
     -I don't care if my libido comes back
     - I will never look or try to look like 20 or 30 or 40 or even 50 years old no matter what gender I choose to be the
       rest of my life
     -I have no desire for children, so infertility is no issue
     -I am in that age group where we all start looking asexual, so if I grow small breasts while I try and work this out,
       that's ok
     -I am at retirement age, so income and a job are not as critical (but still important)
     -Friendship is far more important than dating, even if I were single again
     -I don't feel the need to wear high heels any more.  Rothys are just fine.

Trying to make lemonade out of lemons,

Emma

[Linde]

It's funny but while I am constantly getting angry at discovering that I am transgender trying to decide what I want to do next, I have come to realize that the "glass" actually has some "water" in it, although certainly not half full.

At 63:
     -I don't care if my libido comes back
     - I will never look or try to look like 20 or 30 or 40 or even 50 years old no matter what gender I choose to be the
       rest of my life
     -I have no desire for children, so infertility is no issue
     -I am in that age group where we all start looking asexual, so if I grow small breasts while I try and work this out,
       that's ok
     -I am at retirement age, so income and a job are not as critical (but still important)
     -Friendship is far more important than dating, even if I were single again
     -I don't feel the need to wear high heels any more.  Rothys are just fine.

Trying to make lemonade out of lemons,

Emma

Emma, you also could use those lemons to stuff them into your bra to make your boobs looking bigger, it does not always have to be lemonade when you want to do positive stuff with lemons!

I found that trans women of the same age as men look somehow younger!  it might be because estrogen fills the faces out a little different, it might be because we like to dress in more friendly colors and fashion than men do, it also might be that w tend to take better care of our facial skin and appearance than men do?  I don't know, but older trans women seem to look younger than their male peers!

To my surprise, I found out that my feet feel more comfortable in 2 - 3" high heels than in those very flat penny loafer type shoes.  I prefer the block heels over the stiletto type ones, but I can run around on them all day long without getting tired feet.  On those loafers my feet tire out after a very short time.  Try it before you nix them!
My libnido has gone for more than 10 years now, and I like this a lot.  There is no pressure anymore on me to hunt for sex partners, and life is way more relaxed now.  I did my physical changing into a woman also after I was retired, and that again gives one so much more freedom to become the person one wants to be, i can care less what others think about me, I am just the way I want to be!
and friendship, i just can tell you, friendship among females is way more relaxed and not a constant competition as it is between men.  There is no pounding against one's chest anymore to demonstrate who is the best, biggest or largest (which would hurt a lot now that my boobs are very sensitive).  Girlfriends just want to have fun!  And I have a ball!
Hugs
Linde

[Emma1017]

I agree with everything you said Linde, even the high heels...I'll save my lemons for a margarita

I had a unpredictable snag in my HRT strategy.  I opted for the lowest dosage possible.  My goal was to go slow and keep breast growth nominal through the summer.  I didn't want any issues with friends while I worked out what I wanted to do.  My impression was that for people over 60, growth was slow....wrong.  Three months in and they started to pop.

I contacted my endocrinologist who said essentially "your mileage may vary".  I am going to cut the dosage in half to give me the time I need to decide.  If that doesn't work I will stop HRT until September. 

I really don't want to do that.

[Linde]

I agree with everything you said Linde, even the high heels...I'll save my lemons for a margarita

I had a unpredictable snag in my HRT strategy.  I opted for the lowest dosage possible.  My goal was to go slow and keep breast growth nominal through the summer.  I didn't want any issues with friends while I worked out what I wanted to do.  My impression was that for people over 60, growth was slow....wrong.  Three months in and they started to pop.

I contacted my endocrinologist who said essentially "your mileage may vary".  I am going to cut the dosage in half to give me the time I need to decide.  If that doesn't work I will stop HRT until September. 

I really don't want to do that.

Can't you use some sort of binder?
I have a function end of July at which I have to have some kind of male appearance (because I do not want to be there as a woman), and I plan to use a binder under my shirts.  I don't know how large my breasts will be at that time, but considering that I am a B cup already, I can assume if anything, they sty like this or get even bigger.  Currently I could excuse them as moobs, but I am rather on the slimmer side, and would have a hard time to explain moobs with no other visible body fat.  I think a binder is the way for me to go, because I do not want to interrupt my HRT regime.

Good luck for you to find a workable solution.

[Emma1017]

Thanks Linde.

I spend a lot of time at the beach in New York with friends.  Between the humidity and heat I would be topless and in shorts.  A binder would be very hard to explain plus be really, really hot.

I hope going on a half dose that I will grow slower and not miss the emotional benefits of the HRT.