Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

To be honest to all:

I have to admit that, for the first time in my life, I am afraid...for me.  My breasts have not really grown that much but just enough to bring home the serious reality of my decision.

Suddenly transitioning is not a fantasy or intellectual thought, it is real and I am really afraid.

That's why I am pushing back the dosage to delay the decision.  I know what I want but I am still not ready to destroy everything else to get there.  These sacrifices are real, no matter which way I go.

The journey isn't stopping but the cross roads suddenly got a lot closer.

Thanks for caring,

Emma

[KatieP]

At 63 Emma, I think one major question is: How do you want to spend the last season of your life? (Not trying to be morbid at all. Just my perspective...)

When I asked myself that question at 58, I told myself I wanted two things:

-- I did not want to die a man

-- I did not want to die alone

Unfortunately, these might be conflicting goals. For many of us, Not Dying a man might mean dying alone, and maybe vise versa. And, this is the decision each of us must make. I do believe that no person on this list over 50 would give you the slightest grief for choosing either direction...

Kate

[Linde]

At 63 Emma, I think one major question is: How do you want to spend the last season of your life? (Not trying to be morbid at all. Just my perspective...)

When I asked myself that question at 58, I told myself I wanted two things:

-- I did not want to die a man

-- I did not want to die alone

Unfortunately, these might be conflicting goals. For many of us, Not Dying a man might mean dying alone, and maybe vise versa. And, this is the decision each of us must make. I do believe that no person on this list over 50 would give you the slightest grief for choosing either direction...

Kate

I had the same parameter, but not wanting to die as a man was way more important for me than not dying alone.

At the moment it looks like that I might die alone, but as a woman.  I hope very much that the alone thing might change, but the woman thing is way more important for me!

[Emma1017]

Hi Katie and Linde:

Even though I started taking HRT months ago, I really didn't appreciate how important that decision was until the recent growth of my breasts.  It made my decision very tangible.

My fear is the fear of myself.  I am afraid that I am actually making a decision that every cell in my brain thinks is wrong while every part of my heart knows is right.

So yes I would rather die a woman but I am still working on not dying alone.

Thank you for your thoughts,

Emma

[Linde]

I wish you ll the luck in the world that you can have both, a marriage, and living as a woman.

My marriage fell apart almost 16 years ago, because neither of us knew what was going on with me, I just got angrier with the minute, and we did not know what to do about it.  My wife held out for 4 more years, until she finally could not live with a man anymore who was seeking reasons to explode about, and she left.  She is the love of my life, and I still have no interests to get close with any other person, because it would feel to me as if I am cheating on my love.

But I am happy that I am a woman now, who can live with the memories of a marriage that was out of this world!
I might die alone, but as a woman who had the chance to be herself, and still has a memory of wonderful love!

[Emma1017]

An update:

My wife and I had a very intense conversation that started with her stating that she couldn't stay with me if I transitioned.  After a lot of private quiet moments and a lot of crying and hugging she said she would never leave me and that we will figure it out.

Separately, I took a photo of my chest (not very flattering) before I started HRT.  I really don't see any difference.  I just panicked because I could feel firmer tissue under each nipple.

I have decided to ask my endocrinologist today to increase my dosage if she agrees.

The journey continues...

Thanks all,

Emma

[Linde]

An update:

My wife and I had a very intense conversation that started with her stating that she couldn't stay with me if I transitioned.  After a lot of private quiet moments and a lot of crying and hugging she said she would never leave me and that we will figure it out.

Separately, I took a photo of my chest (not very flattering) before I started HRT.  I really don't see any difference.  I just panicked because I could feel firmer tissue under each nipple.

I have decided to ask my endocrinologist today to increase my dosage if she agrees.

The journey continues...

Thanks all,

Emma

Good luck for you, and even more so, for your marriage!

[Joanne ONeal]

Emma,  I know what you are going through! I started HRT 5 weeks ago, with 1 week skipped for a surgical procedure. I restarted my spiro 2 weeks ago and I'm getting use to the morning sickness. Physical changes have started. Body hair is much softer and slow to return after shaving. (not facial) I have not  experienced any breast pain, but they are growing! My fear is, how can I go swimming with my Grandkids! My body is now hairless being completely shaved and very obvious of the changes. My wife and I have talked about this, and she thinks it is no big deal. She says a lot of 66 year old cancer survivor men have big boobs from medications taken. This may be true, but I'm the one who is going through these physical changes. On one hand I love these changes, on the other it it scares me to death. What makes it hard is the positive emotional changes I am experiencing. I do not want to go back to the way I felt prior to HRT.
BTW, My wife is still supportive of me continuing the hormones.       

[Emma1017]

Hey Joanne:

The fear started when I began to realize my body was changing (slowly) and transitioning was becoming real.  Fortunately I don't have young grandchildren who may be confused by my transition.  My nieces and nephews are all adults.  Their acceptance is up to them.

I know my son will be OK and I believe now that my wife's going to stay and be apart of whatever I must do.

I think "must do" is my challenge.  Every time I make another decision, like HRT or increasing my HRT, I now believe that I am making a decision that I "must do".  It doesn't feel like a choice.

I am hoping that at the end of this process, whichever way it takes me, that I am better than I am today.  I know that I am better than I was a year ago.  That's progress.

I know it will be a huge step if I actually give up being stealth.  I don't know if I can and I won't know for a while.  I figure I am at least a year or more away from that decision because of my job and to give my wife (and me) time to process.

Ultimately I know I would love to successfully transition and be a better me.

Warm regards,

Emma

[Entropic Variable]

[...]
Ultimately I know I would love to successfully transition and be a better me.

Hello Emma, 

There is no greater gift that you could ever give to everyone who truly cares about you than to be the best and most authentic person you can possibly be.

Your Newest Cheerleader,

eHug

~EV~ (She, Her, Hers)

[Emma1017]

Thank you EV:

I agree but the process requires you to let go of a lifetime (my case 63 years).  It also requires those you love to let go of you to accept the new you.

That's a lot to ask from yourself much less everyone else.

You have to step into the crucible with everything and everyone you love and hope that at the end of that process what you  have gained is worth everything you lost.

That is my greatest fear.

I am not yet ready to make that step and I am really not sure I will be able to.   It requires a level of selfishness that I don't know I can live with. 

Hugs back,

Emma

[Entropic Variable]

[...]
It requires a level of selfishness that I don't know I can live with.
[...]

Emma, you obviously have a huge heart, and you're so very kind. 

A couple of thoughts, for whatever they may be worth...

The more you take care of yourself, the more you will be able to take care of others.

A long time ago, when I first came out to my mom, I asked her how she would feel if I was paralyzed and a new surgery had been devised that would allow me to walk for the first time in my life.  Would she really object to my having the surgery just because she'd gotten used to seeing me in a wheelchair?

eHug

[Emma1017]

Thank you for your thoughts EV.

Unfortunately a physical malady is easier for the world to understand.  If I had cancer my wife would be on every website and every doctor making sure that I had the best medical support possible.

Unfortunately she thinks that I have to solve this "problem" myself and that there is a solution out there that requires no change of who I have been for the 44 years of our relationship (we met in college).

I made that history happen.  She and everyone else in my life, including me, believed "what you saw was what you got". 

I was her guy.

It is great to say that she should love me spiritually.  To accept her guy, supported by hundreds of photos and decades of memories, is now a woman, requires a super human leap of acceptance.

As I said earlier, she has been through 10 years of hell.  She has lost everyone in her family, including our son, to cancer.   She sobbed the other day when we talked about transitioning, "I can't lose you too".   I hoped over time that she would accept that I will never leave but I don't know that I can hurt her if she watches me disappear into Emma.

It's a lot to ask.

I am crying now and my heart is breaking...for me, but truthfully, the world doesn't rotate around me.  There are others to consider.

I am tempted to stop this thread now because I am not sure this endlessly circular selfish dialogue is fair to everyone here going through their own hell.  My additional thoughts are not not adding solutions for anyone.

You all deserve better,

Emma

[KimOct]

Emma, I have not weighed in on your thread before because everything I would have said had been.  The reason I jump in now is that you feel this is circular and that you are being a burden to those that have burdens of their own.

That is the very reason that most of us that are further down this road remain on this forum.  To help those that are struggling.  When I first joined a similar forum 3 years ago it was ALL about me.  I had so much to figure out.  The people I met there helped immensely and gave me food for thought that helped me figure things out.

We are here to help share your burden.  We all have burdens as well but we wouldn't help share yours if we couldn't carry the weight.  Nobody that has participated in the 14 pages of this did so because they were forced - we all chose to.

So keep sharing - do not go off into a corner and suffer alone.

One other thought.  Regarding being 'selfish' -being your authentic self is not being selfish.  If you go back into hiding and fight these feelings you will not be any good to your wife or yourself.  Should you be considerate and honest?  Absolutely - should you live in denial? Nope.  Burying this is not going to lead to happiness for you or your wife.

Lean on people here.  One day in the future you can pay it forward to others as I hopefully am now.

[Linde]

Dear Emma, i feel with you, and I am sitting here with tears in my eye.  You are kind o lucky, bcause you are still able to have some control over your life!
My life exploded about 1 years ago, because my body decided to feminize itself more and more.  I did not kn ow what was going on, I just became an angry and mean person, and I finally drove my wife of than 36 years away.  she was, and still is the love of my life, and I have never touched another person sexually after my wife.
I am still alone, and I m pretty sure that I will be alone and lonely for the rest of my life.  i have lots of really good friends, but they go home in the evening, and I am alone.

If I could do it over again, I would do everything to save my marriage!  The happiness I had for 36 years cannot be replaced by the happy feeling I have for being a woman. 
Yes, I am a pretty happy woman, but I am also a lonely woman! I'd rather would be a happy husband again, and if required, no woman at all!

I have no advise for you Emma, except try to safe your marriage, nothing in the world can replace those 40 years you had together, and many years you will have to come to be together!  Don't become a lonely woman!

Love and hugs
Linde

[KimOct]

I think Dietlind offers excellent advice but I am going to differ with her in this case.  The pain both of you are feeling is very real and I unfortunately share the pain of loneliness.  I would venture to say being transgender is one of the ways to dramatically increase the odds of being alone.  So why do it??

Many reasons but I will speak to the loneliness aspect.

Denying our real gender manifests itself in terrible ways.  Just as Dietlind said she was angry and unhappy and made her wife miserable in the final years.  That says a lot because she seems to be a delightful person.  If this heartache of keeping our gender in the closet can cause a normally nice person to be lousy that in itself says a lot.

A handful of couples in my personal experience stay together successfully.  Maybe you can be one of them.  It does happen.  Often it does not.  But if you are suppressing the real you I am sadly confident that your relationship will deteriorate and you will both suffer.  It happens time after time after time.  It is one of the most common stories in the transgender community.  In my opinion the best chance your marriage has is to face this together honestly and openly.

Regardless which path you choose and what advice rings true to you I wish you nothing but the best.

PS  I was thinking about this for a few minutes after signing off and came back to add this.  This is just my personal experience so it is a tiny sample but for what its worth....  loneliness is common in our community IMO.  I have about 20 IRL trans friends.  4 are married and one is in a long term relationship.  So in my life out of about 20 friends 5 of them are with someone and the rest of us are alone. 

This is definitely something that people have to go into transition with eyes wide open.  On the other hand most people that try to stay in the closet and remain in relationships usually end up very unhappy.  But at the end of the day you can't make someone else happy unless you are happy with yourself.

[Entropic Variable]

[...]
So keep sharing - do not go off into a corner and suffer alone.

One other thought.  Regarding being 'selfish' -being your authentic self is not being selfish.  If you go back into hiding and fight these feelings you will not be any good to your wife or yourself.  Should you be considerate and honest?  Absolutely - should you live in denial? Nope.  Burying this is not going to lead to happiness for you or your wife.
[...]

Denying our real gender manifests itself in terrible ways.  Just as Dietlind said she was angry and unhappy and made her wife miserable in the final years.  That says a lot because she seems to be a delightful person.  If this heartache of keeping our gender in the closet can cause a normally nice person to be lousy that in itself says a lot.

A handful of couples in my personal experience stay together successfully.  Maybe you can be one of them.  It does happen.  Often it does not.  But if you are suppressing the real you I am sadly confident that your relationship will deteriorate and you will both suffer.  It happens time after time after time.  It is one of the most common stories in the transgender community.  In my opinion the best chance your marriage has is to face this together honestly and openly.
[...]

I agree with KimOct completely.

[...]
Unfortunately a physical malady is easier for the world to understand.
[...]

Oh but Emma, you do have a physical malady that is every bit as debilitating as being paralyzed, and every bit as deserving of whatever resources are available to help you to live as fully and as completely as you possibly can.

[...]
As I said earlier, [...my wife...] has been through 10 years of hell.  She has lost everyone in her family, including our son, to cancer.   She sobbed the other day when we talked about transitioning, "I can't lose you too".   I hoped over time that she would accept that I will never leave but I don't know that I can hurt her if she watches me disappear into Emma.
[...]

Your wife has been through too much, and my heart goes out to her completely.

But you are no less deserving of compassion and support than she is.  You weren't in any way responsible for any of these tragedies, and your journey at the moment shouldn't be diminished by any of these other events, even if the timing happens to be difficult.  I'm sure that your wife is feeling completely overwhelmed, and in all likelihood, she would probably benefit from therapy to help her sort everything out, because she's probably just not able to see anything particularly clearly right now.

I'd have to image that all of these losses have also affected you just as deeply, apart from your concern for your wife.  Is it possible that all of these intense reminders of our mortality are driving your life-affirming desire to fully pursue your transition?  If so, that's a very healthy response that I think you should embrace.

[...]
the world doesn't rotate around me.  There are others to consider.
[...]

Again, I'm truly moved by your spirit of generosity and concern for others Emma.  You're obviously a very special person. 

However, to echo KimOct's thoughts – few things are more insidiously debilitating and destructive than being a martyr.  Deliberately embracing pain because we falsely believe it's in another's best interest will always eventually destroy the relationship.

The cat's well and truly out of the bag at this point Emma.  Even if you and your wife decided today that you were both going to do everything you could to bury and deny your reality, you'll never be able to do it, and it will destroy any chance you'll ever have of authentically being together, even as friends.

If you don't move forward with your journey, it seems to me that the only person you're truly going to hurt is yourself.

eHug

[Emma1017]

EV, Kim, Linde and all:

I am humbled and in tears.  Thank you all for hugging my soul and touching my heart.  I don't think I could go on without everyone of you.

Massive hugs and endless love,

Emma

[Emma1017]

I changed my avatar.  This is me.

[Linde]

I changed my avatar.  This is me.

What a pretty lady is sitting on that couch!