Which hurts less

[KimOct]

You are both ADORABLE !!!!  Really !!!  You should have been showing it off   

EV  I LOVE your avatar - the determination ( I shall be whole ) absolutely rocks.

Emma - In these days of online friendships things are different than IRL but people do develop actual friendships - not the same as IRL IMO ( more abbreviations please  )   but what I am trying to say is that we love you too.

I eventually became IRL friends with people I met online in my early days and I will always be friends with some of them.  In the few months I have been here I can tell that there are people that met here that are friends as well.  Regardless if some of us meet someday or not we do care what happens with you and are here to support you.

Emma - All of this online love is good and helpful but what also helped me was to get support both online and locally.  If you have not already done so find a local group to join.  While all of us here really do care it is not enough and a computer screen can get lonely and cause distortion.  Lean on us but meet other transpeople in your area too.  It really helped me a lot.  In short...... do both.

[christinej78]

I changed my avatar.  This is me.

Hi Emma,                       02 February 2019

I do love your real avatar; you're beautiful.

Advice and good decisions are not my forte; if you have read my main thread and some of my posts you will understand. I now only express my opinion, not advice. So here goes my opinion: Be true to yourself, be the real you. Anything else is a prescription for unhappiness for both you and your wife. There are many folks here at Susan's that are extremely knowledgeable and experienced. They are a fantastic resource. Outside counseling can also be very helpful.

Take care of yourself and your wife.

Best Always, Love
Christine

[Emma1017]

Thanks Kim and Christine for your thoughts.  Linde your photo is great.

My emotions come out more honestly here than they would in the real world.  I choose not to hide them here because I am not restricted by 63 years of male convention.  I won't feel the same sitting in a room with others.

I am seeing a great therapist so I am not worried about the extreme emotions destroying me.

I know that we share only words on this site but words are powerful and when they resonate even more so.

Thank you all again,

Emma

[Entropic Variable]

EV, Kim, Linde and all:

I am humbled and in tears.  Thank you all for hugging my soul and touching my heart.  I don't think I could go on without everyone of you.

Massive hugs and endless love,

Emma

  Right back at you Kiddo. 

I changed my avatar.  This is me.

WOW!  Look at how how HAPPY you are!  Emma, you're glowing!  Seeing you so happy has made me so happy that I'm smiling from ear to ear with tears streaming down my face.  (Holy massive catharsis Batman!)

Please do not forget the happiness of the moment captured in this photo.  If you hold onto it, it might be all the motivation you need to see you through your journey...

[...]
EV  I LOVE your avatar - the determination ( I shall be whole ) absolutely rocks.

Thanks Kim! 

My avatar is a color abstracted detail of one of my favorite paintings – "Soir"/"Evening Mood" by WA Bouguereau, 1882.

If you've read my story, you know that my social journey is just about to get started.  Once I'm further along in my transition, I look forward to replacing my current symbolic avatar with a self portrait.

I love seeing everyone's avatars – Emma's, Dietlind's, Christine's, yours...you're all beautiful and incredibly inspirational to me! 

[...]
Emma - All of this online love is good and helpful but what also helped me was to get support both online and locally.  If you have not already done so find a local group to join.  While all of us here really do care it is not enough and a computer screen can get lonely and cause distortion.  Lean on us but meet other transpeople in your area too.  It really helped me a lot.  In short...... do both.

Once again, I agree with Kim. 

[...]
My emotions come out more honestly here than they would in the real world.  I choose not to hide them here because I am not restricted by 63 years of male convention.  I won't feel the same sitting in a room with others.

The physical world is where all of the most significant and meaningful changes for you are going to happen.

Male conventions will be easier and easier for you to let go of the more you give yourself permission to let go of them.

A Trans Support Group will be full of others going through everything that you're going through.

You obviously have a great deal of nurturing energy (I just love that about you), and the more you express this, the more supportive energy you will get back in kind.

I am seeing a great therapist so I am not worried about the extreme emotions destroying me.

I'm so glad to hear that Emma! 

I know that we share only words on this site but words are powerful and when they resonate even more so.

Very true.  But they are also incredibly powerful when spoken and heard in the physical world, which is where beautiful happy Emma deserves to be.         

eHug

[Emma1017]

EV thank you for everything you have said and the wonder compliment.  It touches my heart.

I agree with Kim, your avatar is stunning.  I looked up the original.  Wow!

I read your story and the incredible details that you shared after so many years later.  It obviously was life changing for you.  It leads the direction of your journey.

It reminded me of the one time I went out as a woman.  It was a Halloween party and I was dressed as Elvira, Queen of Darkness.  I loved every minute of it.  I even had a drunk husband whose wife was 8 months pregnant hit on me.  Creeped me out...  I was 28 at the time.  I put that experience in my emotional closet.  Never shared it and its meaning until I told my therapist last year.

I agree with you.  The sensation of your legs shaved felt wonderful.  I am having the same reaction now with my skin after 3 months on HRT.

You absolutely nailed the GD experience "this inexplicable conundrum of existence." 

I am trying to match the courage and conviction that I have witnessed here.  It takes a lot to overcome the fear, shame and doubts that massively block the way.

I am looking forward to read the continuance of your story.

Hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

I just told my therapist I am transitioning.

[GingerVicki]

I just told my therapist I am transitioning.

super exiting

[Linde]

I just told my therapist I am transitioning.

I love it!  I wish you so much luck, and a lot of fun!  It is fun to be a woman!

[Linde]

super exiting

And you look super hot in our avatar picture!  If FaceApp can do it, you can do it, too!

[Emma1017]

What is FaceApp?

[Linde]

What is FaceApp?

Face App is in the google play store for android (I don't know if something is there for Iphones)  You can upload your picture into it, and play around with it with different hairstyles ,etc.  You also can use an antiaging filter or make you look really old.  It is a pretty nifty thing and can show you how you could look like!
You can download your modified picture and use it like  photo

[KimOct]

I just told my therapist I am transitioning.

YAY !!!!!!!!!    I don't think everyone with gender issues should transition but I usually have a pretty good guess.  I try to keep that guess to myself.   From what I can surmise you are doing the right thing.  I am so excited for you.

A thought or two that occurred to me while grocery shopping tonight related to when I first transitioned - It has been 2 years since I changed my name and started living 100% full time all the time.  Those first few months were especially hard for me.  Every time I left the house I felt like the whole world was staring at me.  Of course they weren't it was in my head.  But I was SO scared.

Tonight while shopping I had a flashback to those days and smiled to myself.  I was walking down an aisle and then I remembered how nervous I was the first few times I did that after going full time.  In hind sight it seems kind of cute and naive.  But at the time it is very real.

You mentioned the one time you went out at Halloween.  My suggestion is to start practicing.  Dress so that you fit in like your avatar in which you look adorable.  Start getting used to it.  It is tough at first.  Especially for people like me that care too much about what people think.

Get used to it - you will eventually but it takes some practice and for me it took courage.  And then come tell us about it we will help get you through it.  And read my signature line.   

After I finished typing the above and I went back and read the first page of the thread.  Emma - I teared up.  I am so glad you feel support here.  It is real.  Sending you a hug.

[Emma1017]

Dear Ginger, Line and Kim:

Thank you for your warm thoughts. 

Kim I have walked out twice now after a makeover with a local trans stylist.  Each time to my therapist.  My avatar was the first, before I started HRT.  Last week was on a frigid Thursday, was my second, with -20 degree wind chill....I wore a skirt.   

I loved it! 

I totally take your point. EVERYBODY was staring at me....NOT.  It just felt like that.  Each step has given me more confidence.

I am doing this without my wife's knowledge.   This time though, not to hide (I no longer feel the shame I felt when I started this thread.  Thank you all!!!!!!) but to give her more time to process.  I can't throw this at her.  I am just getting used to it.  Shocking her will just damage our chances of staying together.

I started this thread with "which hurts less".  I have learned there is a difference between "taking the bullet" and "death by a thousand paper cuts" as RobynD said earlier in this thread. 

I won't survive the thousand paper cuts.  I really thought I could.  It has taken me this long to finally admit I can't.

I am trying now to figure out what's next and how I can stay together with my wife. 


Thank you and hugs to all,

Emma

[Linde]

Emma, I joint this discussion on  Reply #88 on: October 28, 2018, and hoped that you will be able to keep your marriage going.  The way it seems, your are able doing this!  This makes me very happy.

Because I am so much older than you, i am now on the fast track.   I will have an orchi in the next few days, and ill be starting my gender and name change in the net few days.

I want to continue to wish you lots of luck on your path!

[Emma1017]

Linde thank you for your kind thoughts.  I will be thinking of you and your up coming surgery. 

Warmest wishes and the best of luck to you as well,

Emma

[Emma1017]

Wow 15 pages to this thread and every page filled with strength, love and support.  I have wondered if I was worth it.  It felt like a lot to ask of others.  The  original loneliness and fear was consuming.  I thought no one could possibly understand.

I am so happy to be completely wrong!

I did the same thing that Kim did and went back to my original post.

I teared up.  I am tearing up now.

It took a lot to get here.  I had no idea a year ago what was happening to me.  I had no clue this is where I would wind up.

I may not know what exactly comes next but I know with absolute certainty, I will never, ever be alone again.

Thank you,

Emma

[Linde]

I may not know what exactly comes next but I know with absolute certainty, I will never, ever be alone again.

Thank you,

Emma

And at the end, you will be the beautiful, and loving, caring woman you were meant to be all your life!

[KimOct]

Emma - what I am about to say is something to discuss with your therapist - I am merely planting the seed.

You have struggled but persisted and you are showing courage.  This journey is tough enough when you don't have a spouse - when you still do have one  it must be even tougher.  Especially one that you love.  Your path will not be easy but in my humble opinion it seems to be the only path that makes sense for you.  If you turn back now you will be living a lie.

My unsolicited advice that is sent with good intentions and love is that you have to be honest with your wife.  And also be understanding - this will be difficult for her - but trying to spare her from this is not going to end well.  Again IMHO it will poison you just as Linde described above.  You owe it to yourself and to her to be honest - but be compassionate as well - it may take time for her to adjust - she has feelings too.  In short be honest yet kind.  A tough task indeed but you are up to it.

This journey will have ups and downs - enjoy the ups and when the downs come know that better days are coming.
You got this girl !! 

One other thought - although you have captured the hearts of many here it is not ALL about you so don't feel that you are undeserving of the attention.  I am following your thread and giving input and care about you individually but the thoughts here are also helping those that read but do not post.  That is the beauty of a forum such as this - you benefit from the support of others but others benefit from reading your story and our replies.

[Emma1017]

Thank you Linde and thank you Kim.

[KimOct]

Jinx LOL  we were typing at the same time - I added to my post.