Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

I wasn't aware of how long this thread had become and the potential value it might be to others than just me and my needs until Kim pointed that out.

I am going to take the cue from Kim, Linde and all the veterans of this battle and share a more thorough summary of where I am and how I got here without dragging everyone through the 16 page thread. 

I started therapy with a gender specialist in January, 2018.  I was suffering from random panic attacks.  It never happened to me before.  I thought one session with her and I would be done.  Absolutely wrong as this thread has proven.

I told my wife in February last year and blew her out of the water.  We met in college and have been together 44 years.  I have an absolute commitment to her but this process has put a maximum strain on both of us.  I hope time and patience will be our savior.

Over the past year I have finally connected the scattered dots of my gender and started to form an undeniable picture that has forced me to accept, without question, that I am transgender.  It took 62 years to get here.

Strangely, for 62 years I have never been depressed and could separate my "reality" from my "fantasies".  Not realizing until now that I had them backwards.

With the therapy I started to take charge of me by changing my diet and increasing my exercise.  I lost 35 pounds and I still eat pizza but my lunch is now yogurt and green tea.  I do modified planks every day and stopped the Irish Catholic requirement of cleaning my plate. 

I started finasteride in October and finally learned the courage from everyone here to start HRT.  I use a low dose patch of Estradiol twice a week and take spiro once a day.

In the 3 1/2 months the big physical change is really soft skin and a slight growth beneath each nipple which are also more sensitive.  Unfortunately no change in hair growth on my head.  I hope over time it improves.  sigh

Emotionally, a big change.  I cry massively easier than ever in my life.  I am more female aware, internally and externally.  I find I hate men's clothing even more now.   If you go back a month on this thread you will note that I have been an emotional wreck.  I was NEVER like that 18 months ago.

I have decided to transition and will do everything I can, to go as slow and be as patient as I can to keep my wife with me.

Finally, yesterday I bought a GROUPON coupon for unlimited large and small area laser hair removal at a local shop.  I can't do electrolysis yet for personal and professional reasons.  I hope to at least get my eyes done in the Fall but that is very subject.

It's been a helluva year.  I have learned that transitioning is definitely not boring...maybe I should have taken up golf .

Hugs,

Emma

[Linde]

Hi Kim:

I have held off looking for support groups because it would be exclusionary of my wife and I don't want her feeling isolated.  I know any group would be welcoming but she won't be able to handle the reality of that meeting at this time.  I am hoping that, with patience, she will be more accepting if I go. I am willing to wait.

Hugs,

Emma

My group has a support group for spouses that meets at the same time.  You might want to look into this, it might help her, too?

[Emma1017]

I appreciate the thought Linde but my wife is in deep denial.  She has resisted all of my attempts at getting her to meet or see any third party.

Our dialogue is my monologue.  I tell her when I go to therapy or the doctors and she just acknowledges without probing it any further.

It is functionally "don't ask don tell".  I keep introducing the subject in small increments which, I hope over time, finds a way for greater dialogue.  I comfort myself that we are light years ahead of last year and we are not separated.

Baby steps.

[Linde]

  I comfort myself that we are light years ahead of last year and we are not separated.

Baby steps.

Yes Emma, you are very lucky! 
It did not work out for me, but neither of us, my wife or I, knew what was going on, and I could not seek help, because the resources were not there (or at least not know).  i am still not really over it, after more than 16 years nw, because she was and still is the love of my life.  at least we are girl friends now.
I hope that you do not have to go trough this very painfull experience, and find ways to stay together and be happy with each other!
And if you need to talk to people, we are always here, and ready to listen t you and hep, wherever we can.

Talking to us does not mean you burden us with your problems, but rather it helps others with similar problems to find help and understanding.

For me personally it makes my heart always jump of joy if a couple was able to stay together and master this very complicated journey.  Each new contribution about a still working marriage, eases my pain a little!

Lots of hugs
Linde

[Emma1017]

Ok last photo. This is the first photo I ever took as Emma.   I knew I was seeing me for the first time.

For vanity's sake it was before I lost the weight.

It was a life changing moment for me.  I started to believe I could transition.

[Linde]

Ok last photo. This is the first photo I ever took as Emma.   I knew I was seeing me for the first time.

For vanity's sake it was before I lost the weight.

It was a life changing moment for me.  I started to believe I could transition.

No matter if it is with weight, or without, you are a darn good looking woman!
You were seeing yourself exactly right!

[randim]

Ok last photo. This is the first photo I ever took as Emma.   I knew I was seeing me for the first time.

For vanity's sake it was before I lost the weight.

It was a life changing moment for me.  I started to believe I could transition.

That is simply amazing pre-transition.  You will be quite stunning when you are done, I'm thinking.  Very late to the party, I finally read your whole thread.  I sympathize with your situation.  I too have a long-term relationship that feels very much endangered.  It's not a lot of fun.  Big virtual hug to you and best of luck.

[Emma1017]

Thank you Randim and Linde.  You both look so happy in your photos.  You can see the joy in your faces.

I have been so afraid for so long. Since I have recommitted to keeping this thread going I am going for full disclosure. 

I have my avatars in the right time sequence.  (Thank you Danielle for great photo insert instructions.)  The first was my first as Emma.  The second two were my first and second times walking out in public.  The photos were taken by people who support me and you can see the trust in my smile.  I was really happy each time.

 

[Linde]

Thank you Randim and Linde.  You both look so happy in your photos.  You can see the joy in your faces.

I have been so afraid for so long. Since I have recommitted to keeping this thread going I am going for full disclosure. 

I have my avatars in the right time sequence.  (Thank you Danielle for great photo insert instructions.)  The first was my first as Emma.  The second two were my first and second times walking out in public.  The photos were taken by people who support me and you can see the trust in my smile.  I was really happy each time.

 

You have such a very pretty face, so natural looking, and an absolute winning smile!

[Joanne ONeal]

WOW!  You look Great!!

[Emma1017]

Thanks Joanne and Linde.  I just don't have the confidence yet. I still have the "everyone is staring at me" fears.

Wigs and makeup make the difference.

When I look in the mirror I still see the 63 year old guy.  It will just take time and effort I guess.

[GordonG]

Yes I agree that you do look great. Keep it going! Wishing you all kinds of goodness.

[Linde]

Thanks Joanne and Linde.  I just don't have the confidence yet. I still have the "everyone is staring at me" fears.

Wigs and makeup make the difference.

When I look in the mirror I still see the 63 year old guy.  It will just take time and effort I guess.

Yes, they stare at you, because you look so great!
You might need to buy some new mirrors, those distorting mirrors from the carnival are not any good anymore!  If I look at the pictures, I cannot see any guy, no matter how old, and I have a brand new monitor!

[KimOct]

First - should have taken up golf    No you shouldn't that's even more annoying.   

Second - 63?  I knew that already but DAMN girl - you look great.  I hate you LMAO !!!!!   

So glad for you and others that you are All -In.   I understand the situation with your wife - that I fear will be the hardest part for you.  It works sometimes - I know a few.  Other times not. 

Hang in there - we are here for you.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Emma1017
My Dear Emma:
Wow-zers !!!... your into your HRT at the 2½ month point and it is very obviously working very well for you...... you look absolutely beautiful in your photos...  I am glad that you had no problems posting the pictures, it is a treat for all of us to see them.

I am so happy that you are keeping your thread frequently update... as you stated in one of your previous posts, your thread is indeed important for you.  It allows you to chart your progress all in one spot and is a great place to post your successes that your followers can read and be joyful for you.... and also a place to vent your frustrations so that your followers can lend an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.
 
All in all, this is very good personal therapy, please continue to take advantage of that...  and please realize that all of us that follow your thread are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your success and happiness.

Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

Thank you Randim and Linde.  You both look so happy in your photos.  You can see the joy in your faces.

I have been so afraid for so long. Since I have recommitted to keeping this thread going I am going for full disclosure. 

I have my avatars in the right time sequence.  (Thank you Danielle for great photo insert instructions.)  The first was my first as Emma.  The second two were my first and second times walking out in public.  The photos were taken by people who support me and you can see the trust in my smile.  I was really happy each time.

 

[JanePlain]

Hi Emma 1017,
                           You don't necessarily have to transition and cause a train wreck. You could allow some expression of your female self to release some pressure and anxiety. Your wife probably knows you care deeply but is already suffering enough grief for now.
Maybe talking to her and reassuring her might allow you to start HRT but only feminize as much as you are both comfortable with. She may even like a more serene you if you start HRT.
All I am trying to say is I know how you feel. I tried to soldier on to protect the integrity of my wife and family. I'm a dedicated husband but in the end outside of work and family duty I had to spend some time as my female self and got on HRT.
Most of the time I appear as the same old husband but I get to release the pressure of not having an aligned gender.
I feel for your situation - it is difficult whatever way you look at it. There are options between doing nothing and full transition though.
Even just HRT alone can provide relief without destroying the marriage - no one needs to know except the wife.
  Wishing you both the best in a difficult time,
Kirsten.


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Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this.  I thought I was a minority of one. 

[LizK]

Thanks Joanne and Linde.  I just don't have the confidence yet. I still have the "everyone is staring at me" fears.

Wigs and makeup make the difference.

When I look in the mirror I still see the 63 year old guy.  It will just take time and effort I guess.

It is such a hard thing to unlearn everything we see in the mirror. I had up until a recent experience had some similar feelings. Personally if I saw you in the street I would take you for just another snappily dressed woman and no way would I put you at the age you are. You look fabulous

I think you are making a great effort and its your own perception that needs to change and you are right it may take a little time to "catch up"


Take care

Liz

[Emma1017]

Wow thank you all for the compliments.  I was really nervous to post them and kept hesitating.  Danielle you made it too easy so I couldn't back out .  The photos hide the wrinkles well.

I keep asking my self "what's next?" and then keep countering "are you out of your mind?" with a final "this is just crazy"...then I get angry and then I just start to tear up.

I am going slow but I just want to get it over with.  I want to tell everyone and then I kiss my wife and the whole transition process stops but its like stopping a freight train by standing in front of it.

Thanks all for your love and support.

Hugs,

Emma

[KimOct]

Two very interesting posts on this page - Plain Jane commenting on Kirsteneklund and Emma's response above.

In my mind gender is a spectrum just like sexuality.  For example regarding sexuality some people are straight or gay or bi or asexual - it is all over the place.  Same with gender.  Most people are cis - some are trans - some are non binary etc etc.

Kirsten - points out an option to split the difference in order to save a marriage - and I think that is a good option for SOME people.  For others their gender dysphoria (gender identity) is too much - trying to 'let off some of the pressure' is not enough.  Living a lie becomes a poison for them and their spouse.

While I think the approach that Kirsten suggested and Jane pasted is a good solution for some people for others it can be devastating and only prolong a slow motion train wreck.  Knowing the difference for YOU takes wisdom and courage.

I can certainly give my opinion about where I think someone is heading and where someone else is not but it is really for that person to decide with the assistance of their therapist and the support of others.  But in the end we must have the courage to know ourselves and face who we really are.  We owe it both to ourselves and those that we love.  In trying to protect them from the truth we are only inflicting pain in the long run.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Two very interesting posts on this page - Plain Jane commenting on Kirsteneklund and Emma's response above.

In my mind gender is a spectrum just like sexuality.  For example regarding sexuality some people are straight or gay or bi or asexual - it is all over the place.  Same with gender.  Most people are cis - some are trans - some are non binary etc etc.

Kirsten - points out an option to split the difference in order to save a marriage - and I think that is a good option for SOME people.  For others their gender dysphoria (gender identity) is too much - trying to 'let off some of the pressure' is not enough.  Living a lie becomes a poison for them and their spouse.

While I think the approach that Kirsten suggested and Jane pasted is a good solution for some people for others it can be devastating and only prolong a slow motion train wreck.  Knowing the difference for YOU takes wisdom and courage.

I can certainly give my opinion about where I think someone is heading and where someone else is not but it is really for that person to decide with the assistance of their therapist and the support of others.  But in the end we must have the courage to know ourselves and face who we really are.  We owe it both to ourselves and those that we love.  In trying to protect them from the truth we are only inflicting pain in the long run.

Very good points Kim!

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