Which hurts less

[Ms Bev]

Hi there Emma.  I know what you're going through, as I did some years ago myself, with my wife of over three decades.  My coming out was by accident, and was a shock to us both.  I won't go into the details of how this came about, but let me cut to the chase.  It was difficult for us both.  We remained together as an intimate couple, came out to the family and church and work, some of which was a disaster.  We led a very happy life until her passing several years ago.  One of her favorite things to say was, "The more I talk to my married friends, the more I appreciate having a wife"
So, everyone's mileage varies, and back when I came out, around twenty four years ago, it was generally more difficult socially.  Only you can make decisions of this nature, and I would not base them on other peoples' experiences.  It's good to have some notion, though, of how it turned out for some of us.  I know more people it didn't work out for than people it did.  My heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the best in your journey

[Linde]

When (I actually started this sentence with "if") I come out, it will blow people away.


Hugs,

Emma

I think many of us had that experience.  I was told that I was such a very manly man.  Nobody knew that the reason I was so manly was,  because I overcompensated for not being a real man at all!

[KimOct]

Only you can make decisions of this nature, and I would not base them on other peoples' experiences.  It's good to have some notion, though, of how it turned out for some of us.  I know more people it didn't work out for than people it did.  My heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the best in your journey

I think everything Bev said was important but particularly the quote above.  I give lots of opinions here and IRL and some of my opinions border on 'tough love'.  I am actually a very nice and amiable person.  I did a corporate personality test and I was in the amiable/amiable category.

The reason I tend to push the tough love positions is that is what helped me when I was transitioning.  It woke me up and caused me to make tough decisions and to push myself.  That is all I ever intend on this website.

The reason I quoted Bev is that she is exactly right.  Each of us offer only our own experiences and opinions. At the end of the day everyone needs to make these decisions themselves.  The way to utilize everyone's advice is to take what rings true to you and forget the rest.  Even if that includes me sometimes.    

I have a lot of faith in you Emma but more importantly I wish both you and your wife happiness or at least peace.

[JanePlain]

Hi there Emma.  I know what you're going through, as I did some years ago myself, with my wife of over three decades.  My coming out was by accident, and was a shock to us both.  I won't go into the details of how this came about, but let me cut to the chase.  It was difficult for us both.  We remained together as an intimate couple, came out to the family and church and work, some of which was a disaster.  We led a very happy life until her passing several years ago.  One of her favorite things to say was, "The more I talk to my married friends, the more I appreciate having a wife"
So, everyone's mileage varies, and back when I came out, around twenty four years ago, it was generally more difficult socially.  Only you can make decisions of this nature, and I would not base them on other peoples' experiences.  It's good to have some notion, though, of how it turned out for some of us.  I know more people it didn't work out for than people it did.  My heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the best in your journey

"The more I talk to my married friends, the more I appreciate having a wife"  This is fantastic.  I'm sorry btw about your wife passing.  She sounds pretty amazing.  My wife is probably (I hope) thinking that HRT is cause for a similar situiation.  Not being that keen on the binary emotions that large amounts of testosterone seem to generate (or would it be regulate?  Limit?)  I hope you post more about your experience it gives hope!

[Emma1017]

Thank you Kim, Bev, Linde and Jane for your thoughts and support.

Every day I touch my skin and feel this wonder softness and I smile.  At different times in the day I touch my breasts and feel the difference and I smile.

I shared my photos with you as Emma and she always smiles.

There is no way on earth that I am going to stop.  I am looking forward to being the woman that is in my heart.

I love Emma's smile.

It is this path of broken emotional glass that I need to pass.  I fear the pain I will cause my wife.  I am confused by what I need to do next.  I am afraid to make regrettable mistakes.

I know this is the adult stuff but the next crossroad is approaching fast and I am afraid I am not ready.

There is the constant assault of doubt, some of it just physical worries.  I am 6 foot tall.  My hair is thin and receded.  Can I accepted the stares or nervous glances?  Will I see pity in peoples eyes?  Will my wife survive the embarrassment and pain I will cause her? 

The list goes on and on.  I know this is absolutely not unique to me and I know this continues to be a very  selfish thread but I committed myself to share my process.

I have no other place to put this in words and hope they are more useful to others than my obvious need for public therapy.

Hugs,

Emma

[Jessica_Rose]

Emma, all I see in your photos is a beautiful woman. Hopefully I'm not repeating myself here, but when I started my journey I was sure I would be an ugly woman. In addition I am 6" 1', and wear size 13 women's shoes! But I knew I didn't have a choice, and I didn't give my wife any say in it either. She was mad as hell, but I kept moving forward. She finally began accepting it about six months after I went full-time, and now she is happier than ever.

There is indeed a lot we must overcome, some personal -- how we look, our voice, our mannerisms, our relationships; and some public -- how others perceive us. It isn't easy and it takes time, but the only other choice is a lifetime of misery. It gets better, just give it a chance.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Linde]

Emma, I want to tell you a little story about myself.  You might know that I am fully out, and live full time as a woman for a while now.  But you also might know that I can change genders at ill without any dysphoria.  But my friends don't like it, and feel that I might not like it either.
They tell me that my eyes look dull and lifeless when I am in guy mode, but sparkle like stars once I am a woman again.  Thy se this happening over and over again with me!

I hope your wife will feel the same as my friends do, once she has seen your eyes sparkle and shine, when you are a woman!

[Emma1017]

My hope/fantasy is that we stay together and just have fun like we have had for most of our life together.

I want her fashion advice.  I want her help applying makeup.  I want to fight with her about whether the skirt length is too short.  I want her to laugh as I trip wearing high heels.

I want to be able to hug and kiss her with the same love and tenderness that we share now.  I want to walk down the street arm in arm or holding hands and never have her feel embarrassed, mocked or ashamed.

I know this is hoping too much but I will hope.  I have no other choice.

[KimOct]

UGH Emma - You almost made me cry, that last post was so sweet.  You do have the courage to do this.  Just look at the courage you have shown by continuing this thread.  There are almost 8000 views.  You are opening up a very private and difficult journey for the benefit of others.

I know this was in large part therapy for you but I am positive you would have quit the thread if you did not realize it was also helping others.

I don't know your wife and no-one knows what is going to happen I truly wish it is close to your dream.  It is a lot to ask but I have friends that it does work, and many others it doesn't.  One thing I strongly believe is if you don't follow this path neither of you will be happy.  At least with this path there is hope.

BTW I am 6'2"  you are petite   
I got lucky on the hair thing but most transwomen wear wigs and many cis middle age women too.

My usual addition -  Regarding people staring etc - yeah it was hard at first.  Most people aren't paying attention to tell the truth - I get stares once in awhile - but most of it is in our heads and it goes away.  Well almost entirely.

[Emma1017]

Ok full disclosure, two large glasses of red wine.

It tears down my defenses and yes I am crying.  I really hate this.  I hate the uncertainty, I hate the pain, I hate the fear of hurting others, I just really, really, really just want to be me.

I am tired, really tired of the battle.  I hate when my thoughts get really dark (don't worry I am not there. I would never because it would be an insult to my son who fought 5+ against leukemia just to live).

I just want peace.

Kim you are right I would have ended this tread pages ago.  This has become a responsibility.  I'm OK with it but I have such guilt when I  slip into another pity party like this.

I know its the wine and there is no one in the room to stop me.  I just can't stop crying.

Time to take a break...If I wasn't so selfish I would just delete this.  Sorry

[KimOct]

Emma - You will be OK - I am positive.  This is emotional stuff and you are also on estrogen - I know I am more emotional but it's not just the estrogen this is tough.  You will be OK. 
Huge Hug.

[Emma1017]

Sorry for last night. I used to be tougher.

[Joanne ONeal]

Emma,

No apology required! We all have expeirenced similar emotions.

Hugs,

Joanne

[randim]

Sorry for last night. I used to be tougher.

Emma, Tough is easy. Crying is harder. And you, me, everybody on this site has good reason to cry from time to time.  Trans is difficult.

[Linde]

Sorry for last night. I used to be tougher.

I thought I was the toughest person in tarnation!  I cried last week for a solid 8 hours, because all the suppressed sadness had floated to the top!
Those sad thoughts get out the best with a healthy helping of tears!  Let them run girl, just let them run!
Linde

[KimOct]

This is not just to Emma but to everyone that is hurting.  We bury this stuff for a lifetime.  When it comes out it hurts.
A Lot.

Being tough is facing your pain and fears.  Emma you are tough - you are doing it.  Eventually the pain starts to heal after we face it.

[Emma1017]

 Going radio silent. I need to heal.  Sorry

[LizK]

Emma take some time to take care of yourself. You have nothing to apologise about. Take care

Liz


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[KimOct]

We are here when you are ready.

[Entropic Variable]

Hi Emma,

A few thoughts...

You mentioned that a sympathetic friend shot the photos of Beautiful You that you've shared.  (Again, I can't encourage you strongly enough to remember how you felt when these were taken and let that continue to be your inspiration!)  Is this person someone who can also support you in a broader social sense during your transition?

Are you ready to set your forum gender marker to "F"?  You can always change or remove it if you decide to, but seeing "Gender: 'F'" display with your messages when you're here is one of those wonderful little things that can have a very supportive overall impact on your sense of self and confidence.

In my experience, anyone who recognizes that they are in pain but refuses therapy does so for one of three reasons:

The first reason is because they feel deeply insecure and are deeply ashamed of something or some things that they perceive within themselves that they are afraid will be exposed to the whole world if they see a therapist.  So a good strategy in this case can be emphasizing the strict confidentiality of therapy.

The second reason is because they believe that there is no point in therapy because it won't change the real world circumstances that are causing them so much pain.  So a good strategy in this case can be emphasizing that therapy is exactly analogous to having a broken bone set and cast to hasten healing.

The third reason is the most difficult to overcome.  Some people develop a dysfunctional attachment to being unhappy and projecting it on those around them, often as as a way of attempting to control others.  In this case, there is little that can be done to suggest the value of therapy other than letting the individual in question discover their reality for themselves.

Which brings me to my next thought, which might be scary to consider, but even as a mental exercise might be worth considering.

If you have the financial means to do so, might it be possible for you to rent a small apartment close to your home?  The advantages of having this psychological "life boat" could be twofold.

First, it would give you the chance to more freely and openly express your female self for as long as you needed without having to constantly worry about anything or anyone else in your immediate environment.

And second, it would give both you and your wife time to process everything without the distraction of constantly thinking about how the other was thinking and feeling while sharing the same space, which sounds like has been more than a little toxic since you came out to her.

To say nothing of the fact that a little absence might make the heart grow fonder and more accepting for her.  And even if it doesn't accomplish this, a taste of "soft separation" might clarify what you both value and want or don't want in your relationship going forward.

For whatever it may be worth.



eHug