Which hurts less

[KimOct]

HAHAHAHA   That is great.  Funny how stuff happens when you are not thinking about it. 
I referred to myself as Mike a few times even after I legally changed my name.

I would have loved to seen the waitress' face if you said it.  There are funny moments while transitioning.  Embrace them. 

[Linde]

HAHAHAHA   That is great.  Funny how stuff happens when you are not thinking about it. 
I referred to myself as Mike a few times even after I legally changed my name.

I would have loved to seen the waitress' face if you said it.  There are funny moments while transitioning.  Embrace them.

My dog knows me only by my dead name.  If I tell her about what I will be doing, I use my dead  name, too.  I don't want to confuse the poor beast to much.  I'm confused enough already, at least the dog can stay sane!

[Iztaccihuatl]

My dog knows me only by my dead name.  If I tell her about what I will be doing, I use my dead  name, too.  I don't want to confuse the poor beast to much.  I'm confused enough already, at least the dog can stay sane!

That's funny! And if someone hears you talking to your dog and asks who <dead name> is, you can always tell them that it is your husband who, um, mysteriously passed away...

[Linde]

That's funny! And if someone hears you talking to your dog and asks who <dead name> is, you can always tell them that it is your husband who, um, mysteriously passed away...

Never Thought about this!  What a clever idea!  Thanks!

[KimOct]

A friend of mine who is hilarious always tells people when her 'dead' name comes up - " Oh yeah him... he died" 

I think I am rare that I don't care about people knowing my former name or seeing pics - it's all still me.  If someone intentionally calls me Mike it does piss me off but if it is a slip it's fine.

[Iztaccihuatl]

Never Thought about this!  What a clever idea!  Thanks!

If you want to be truly sinister, you could tell them that you had to kill <dead name>. And now you have to kill them too, because they know...

[KimOct]

If you want to be truly sinister, you could tell them that you had to kill <dead name>. And now you have to kill them too, because they know...

  Hilarious

[Emma1017]

I figure that it's going to be easier to just come out. 

Tempting as it is to bump off people who will be cruel when I do, orange is not the new wardrobe I was hoping for

[KimOct]

Not to be the buzzkill to the humor but, I will be anyway.  The reason for the buzzkill is in your post above, you state -"people who will be cruel". 

I don't think your assumption is true.  A FEW may be uncomfortable or not accepting.  Maybe, maybe not.
There are some people that are cruel but it is a tiny fraction and if they are do you really want them in your life?

Emma, when you do come out I think you are going to be surprised.  Will every single person in your life be fantastically supportive?  Probably not, and I can't be sure because I don't know those people.

What I can confidently say it will be better than you think.  We build this fear up inside of us and ruminate about it.  My coming out and most people I know went better than expected.

Don't get me wrong there are many stories from many people on this site with very difficult coming out stories but we build it up to be worse than it probably will be with our fear.

[Linde]

I can only agree with Kim.  I was scared to death to be rejected and scolded by everybody.  Nothing held true, even my Latino neighbors are very freindly and nothing has changed (except he haules my garbage can to the house after it is empty    he is a macho on the positive side).

Live is so much freer and liberated once you are out!

I wish you so much luck and happiness!
Linde

[Emma1017]

I have spent some time thinking about how I wanted to respond to both Kim and Linde and their thoughts above.  The challenge is separating the general dialogue from the thread that is very specific to me. 

I recognize that for the 23 pages of this thread I have shared my soul is a most revealing and vulnerable way.  Other than those who have read it and my analyst, I have never laid bare my thoughts to anyone like this, ever.

I respect both Kim, Linde and so many others who have stepped up and had my emotional back.  They have my heart in thanks.  They have also survived very brutal personal experiences of their own.

I have spent this thread focused on two things, what was happening to me and what was going to happen to my wife.

I need to establish my reality as it currently exists, not how I wish it could be to provide better perspective to my personal thoughts.

There are 9 million residents in New York who speak 86 different languages but to be part of the Irish Catholic community here is to be as tribal, parochial and narrow-minded as any small town anywhere. 

The guys are all cops and firemen, the women are nurses, teachers and moms.  It is as binary as you can get.

I am not sharing this not for the drama.  I am sharing this selfishly for me so that you all understand the extraordinary stress and destruction that coming out will have on all of these relationships for me, and most importantly for my wife who never had a choice.

I am sorry Kim and Linde but I have a very low expectation of acceptance.  There will be some but there will be very, very few.  The pain in my heart is very deep with the sense of this inevitable loss. 

I have been fighting every step of transitioning and I am losing every battle...ultimately because I want to.
 
I get it.

My fear is not transitioning, my fear is the infliction of pain on my wife, much of it by the rejection of others.  I keep circling back to that endlessly in this thread.   Both transitioning and the inevitable pain are inescapable. 

Unfortunately, my low expectations of acceptance are very real.

[Linde]

I understand very well what you are saying.  I know how them catholics are, I grew up as one and was supposed to be a minister, like one of my great uncles, two of my great aunts were nuns.  We were pretty catholic, I can tell you this.

Here comes this catholic bloke from Germany, and wants to marry the daughter of a family that was as proud as the dickens to be of pure British blood.  When my future wife told my future father in law that we want to get married, his only answer was "at least he is not a Martian".  This family scenario I had, when I came out (we were divorced, but I was still part of the family), and everybody of that family congratulated me and is part of my support group (including my niece, who is a Pastor).
It is very often those who you expect would reject you, who accept you the most.  I know, your situation is different than mine, and only you are the one, who has to face it, but if we can give you any kind of support, please let us know, we listen!
Hugs
Linde

[KimOct]

Hi Emma, Thank you for sharing your thoughts so clearly and articulately.  I understand the point you are making and it certainly sounds valid.  Even in your situation I believe it will be better than you think, however, I do understand and agree with your description and point.

Everyone's situation is somewhat different and your circle may be more critical.  Regarding your wife that is a very really concern.  I assume that anyone in your circle that is judgmental of you will probably be sympathetic to her.

I can only speak for myself regarding my next comment but anyone that is judgmental of me is not someone that I want in my life.  If they do not see me as their friend or family member simply by being my authentic self I have no desire to have a relationship with them.

Regarding your wife that is an entirely different matter.  I know that the last thing you want to do is hurt her.  I mean this with all possible empathy and sympathy but regarding your wife the title of your story 'which hurts less'  applies to her also.  If you come out it is going to hurt her and if you don't come out it is still going to hurt her because you are going to be miserable and that is something you cannot hide.

Emma - I am not you and I don't know everything and never claim to.  I only share my thoughts and opinions and you should take what rings true and cast the rest aside.  The one thing I do know for sure is that I care what happens to you.

[Emma1017]

Thank you both Linde and Kim for your thoughts.

True relationships are rare and for them to last a lifetime requires a lot of acceptance of the faults that everyone involved in the relationship has.

I am hesitant to go further but I feel an obligation to complete my thoughts here.  This is not for drama but for understanding my situation specifically.

The streets were tough when I was a kid.  By eighteen I had been in many gang fights and faced down guys with both knives and guns.  My friends always had my back.

I also watched friends die.   I was at the World Trade Center on 911 and knew many of the firemen who died that day.  I spent many, many nights helping my friends survive the emotionally scars it created.

They all gave support and blood endlessly to help my son survive leukemia.  The hugs were as intense as any guy can share with another guy.  They were there for me when he passed...

Those of us that survived those years share a very tight bond.   

Kim and Linde you may be right and I hope many will understand.  I really hope.  At this stage of my life these relationships mean a lot to both of us.  I am willing to risk them for me but the gamble includes my wife.

I still am fighting transitioning as I continue to transition.  I still fear the cost.

I hope that others that follow us don't have to suffer as much to be just who they need to be.

Hugs,

Emma

[Linde]

Emma, I hope that your life and transitioning goes well, and that, at some day, you can be the woman who you are supposed to be!  And i hope that this goal can be achieved, without much hurt for others, and a continuation of your marriage.
I am an older woman, and I feel very comfortable in being one.  In fact, I have the impression that older women seem to be way more comfortable in their life than older men of a similar age, who still seem to be partially testosterone driven, and have all the problems that come with this!

I hope that you will have the experience to be a woman in the not to far future, and I would want to wish you a lot of luck and love on the way to this!

Hugs
Linde

[Emma1017]

This became way more personal than I intended.  Damned HRT has me tearing up all morning thinking about what I wrote today. 

Not trying to depress anyone.

I just wish this was all over.

[KimOct]

For those that truly open up this always becomes more personal than intended.  I never thought I would share some of the personal thoughts that I have online for so many people to read as I have in the last 3 years.

We do so for 2 reasons.  The cathartic therapeutic benefit for ourselves but also to allow others to see that they are not alone.  It is both a selfish and giving exercise.

I am glad you have been so open it is helping and it is brave.

Sometimes I am hesitant to give my strongest and deepest opinions to you and others.  Being liked is important to me and I know my opinions can be strong sometimes.  I risk the possible rejection or anger because I want to make significant and meaningful points.

This journey is a tough one, but not taking it at all can often be much tougher.

[Paige]

I still am fighting transitioning as I continue to transition.  I still fear the cost.

I hope that others that follow us don't have to suffer as much to be just who they need to be.

Hi Emma,

I haven't transitioned but I've been on low dose E for over 3 years now.  I'm 56.   I would love to totally transition, each dose of E seems to make the draw that much stronger.  I'm constantly considering upping my dose. I see my small breasts in the mirror and love it.  Like you, I'm fighting this but seem to be losing.

My wife is my main worry too, although I worry about how my adult daughters will react.  My wife has known for over 30 years for the most part and isn't accepting.  Besides the usual I'm not a lesbian bit, I think the main problem is she's embarrassed by the thought of me coming out.   I think it's how she's perceived by our family, friends and community.  It's weird how the idea of me transitioning is seen by her as some sort of failure as a women.

Just like me, she's heard people mocking transgender people throughout our relationship.  Some were family and friends.  Even though the world has changed slightly, she doesn't think it's anywhere near where it needs to be.  I agree on that and like you wish future generations never have to go through what we have.

I truly understand your dilemma and fear the cost of transitioning too but I also fear the cost to my sanity if I don't.

This thread really hits home for me.  Thank you Emma for being so open.
Take care,
Paige 😊

[Myranda]

My official first post.

Finally at 62 my gender dysphoria crushed me earlier this year.  I had random crying panic attacks that I never had before.  I started therapy for the first time in my life that helped me pull back from the edge.

I am now trying to find ways to cope because if I transition I will hurt everyone in my life, particularly my wife of 37 years and destroy everything I have created in my life.  I figure that either way, transitioning or not, I am going to get hurt but if I don't transition I won't hurt anyone else.

Not sure why I am posting this other than to not feel so totally alone.

You are not alone!

[Emma1017]

Kim never feel afraid to express your opinion to me.  I will always be honest and I will always take criticism from those I respect.  You can always pm me if it makes you more comfortable.  Your thought are always appreciated!!!!

Paige I have come to the point where I said earlier I would take a bullet for my wife but I can't live years taking endless cuts against my soul.

I really wish there was a magic pill for me or for society at large to make this a joyful transition not feel like being dragged through emotional barbed wire for years.

Thank you Paige for sharing with me that this thread has value beyond me.  I need to know to keep going.

Hugs,

Emma