Which hurts less

Emma1017 · March 02, 2019, 03:46:53 PM

Thank you Myranda. That really means a lot.

KimOct · March 03, 2019, 03:44:27 AM

In two more weeks I won't be posting at 330 in the morning. Cannot wait.

Anyway - Emma I am going to say this in the thread instead of PM for the benefit of others as well. I TRULY understand what you are trying to express about your wife and others in your life. It must be awful wrestling with these additional emotions and worries.

That said at some point you are going to be faced with a crossroads. Do I do this or do I not? That is a choice only you and others in similar situations can make. Neither I or anyone else here can answer that question. We can give you advice, insight, opinion and support but at the end of the day it all comes down to you.

My opinion is to evaluate how you honestly see a few things playing out. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. How will you feel if you don't transition and how will you interact with those around you? On the other hand if you do transition how will it affect both yourself and those around you.

Don't focus on the immediate upheaval rather think what your life and those around you will be like a year later or 5 years later. Think about both scenarios. If you do transition and if you don't. There are no guarantees in life but if you make an honest evaluation of both options you will probably find the best answer.

Wishing you and everyone reading - peace.

Jennifer300 · March 03, 2019, 05:55:09 AM

There is an old saying, when you come out of the closet to a loved one in private, you are bringing them into the closet with you. Some feel they will burden their loved one by bringing them into the closet with them, and it is true. Coming out of the closet to everyone is similar except you are bringing them out of the closet too, as a spouse of a Transgender person.

Many wives gain personal status from their husbands. I get it,most wives want to say "My husband the Doctor, the Firefighter, the Police Officer. Few want to say "My husband the cross dresser or My husband the Transgender person. They are then just as much a target for ridicule as the Transgender person. Then there is the whole shift to "Does that make her a Lesbian"? I am sure many believe it is something they did or didn't do. Some believe they aren't woman enough so their man turned feminine. Lord knows what thoughts they have trying to understand this rare condition. I feel for them, and I understand your dilemma as well. You are caught between hurting those you love and risking losing them and living while hiding your true self that was developed before you were even born. The feelings seem to get stronger causing chaos in your life, yet to cure this it will cause different chaos in your life and the lives of loved ones.

The problem is society's perception of a transgender person. The latest psychiatric guidelines point out that transgender itself is not a mental condition as if you are happy and comfortable being transgender it does not cause you distress. It is a mental condition because of the stress society creates on a transgender person simply because they are transgender. Only you can make the decisions, but I feel your pain and understand the dilemma. Darned if you do, Darned if you don't, and the dice you roll determines how many loved ones you may or may not lose. It also determines how much pain your loved ones endure as well. If we grew up on a liberal family with liberal friends this would not be near as difficult. I too grew up with conservative family, friends, and some are ministers in our family so that just adds to the problem since they are sure to discuss it with other family members and try to convince them I am a sinner in need of being "cured".

Emma1017 · March 03, 2019, 07:58:59 AM

Kim keep thinking of a good nights sleep in two weeks

Thanks for responded to my endless fear of risk. I think too much about the losses. I need to start thinking about the gains. Not everything will go to hell, right?

I really want to go shopping with other women and be accepted. I hate men's clothes so I can't wait to donate them like you did Kim. I want to play with makeup even if it means I'm shallow. I want joy back.

Jennifer you nailed it when you said "...most wives want to say "My husband the Doctor, the Firefighter, the Police Officer. Few want to say "My husband the cross dresser or My husband the Transgender person. They are then just as much a target for ridicule as the Transgender person. Then there is the whole shift to "Does that make her a Lesbian"?".

In the end, she will need to decide. I have no choice. It's now a matter of timing.

Hugs to all,

Emma

Linde · March 03, 2019, 08:13:02 AM

Quote from: Jennifer300 on March 03, 2019, 05:55:09 AM
I too grew up with conservative family, friends, and some are ministers in our family so that just adds to the problem since they are sure to discuss it with other family members and try to convince them I am a sinner in need of being "cured".

This is not necessarily the case. I don't have any direct relatives, but my ex wife's family is pretty conservative. They stuck with me during our divorce and my transition, I am still their (Aunt) uncle, or Brother (sister) in law!
One of my nices is a pastor, und she is one of my best supporters, another niece is a higher ranking officer in the US Air Force, and she, too, is all for me. They loved me when I was still a guy, and they still love me as a woman! I think it depends how open a family wants to be, or how judgemental they want to be to support or reject you!

Emma1017 · March 03, 2019, 11:36:39 AM

I am changing the tempo of this thread for a few moments.....MY CHEST GREW AN INCH THIS MONTH!!!! YAY!!!!

KimOct · March 03, 2019, 02:19:32 PM

YAY !!!!!

All I have to say this time.

HappyMoni · March 03, 2019, 05:19:15 PM

Can I enter the thread for a boob 'busting out party.' Whoop whoop!

Emma, I'm sorry this is so hard for you! As kind of a sideliner to your thread, I see how much this tears you up. It speaks to your character that you care so much about how it will affect your partner. I have the sense that you are a very caring person. I would imagine people see you that way and people tend to want to be on the side of people they like. I have been surprised by people who I was sure would be haters. For me, it was, try to handle my coming out with as much class as I could muster. I had no choice but to transition and I got really tired of living my life for other people. Yes, you know your surroundings better than me for sure. I do think you would have some serious upside surprises. I wish you the best of luck! Now don't come back and tell me you really are a mean nasty rotten person and I was totally wrong in my appraisal of you. Okay?

Warmly,
Moni

Emma1017 · March 03, 2019, 09:01:54 PM

Thank you Moni for your very kind words. They mean a lot to me. Hugs, Emma

Emma1017 · March 04, 2019, 06:38:35 AM

I am constantly amazed and humbled by the incredible people I meet on this site.

You are all the best.

Hugs,

Emma

Emma1017 · March 04, 2019, 10:36:21 AM

It's funny, as I continue to process being transgender and very slowly evolve my gender presentation, it constantly hits me how incredibly surreal this all is.

I really feel like I have a split personality.

It is a constant battle for gender dominance between my heart and my brain. On this thread its mostly heart while in "real life" its mostly brain and they are not getting along.

The reality of transition is becoming more real every day but I keep rejecting that I am ever going to actually do it...while I continue to do it (i.e. I keep going for laser treatments, scheduling voice lessons, etc.).

Does that make sense???

I am constantly shaking my head.

Linde · March 04, 2019, 11:53:36 AM

Emma, it is a slow, and sometimes agonizing process for all of us!
The hurdles are different at different points of the process.
I plan to tackle the legal change now, and stand like a deer in the headlights, with no real idea where to go!

Just for fun, I went for a kill today, I killed the guy who was trying to represent me on Face Book! There is now only a woman with my name on Face Book, representing me! Those are the little joys of transitioning!

Emma1017 · March 04, 2019, 05:45:56 PM

My point is I have difficulty bridging the two realities, the one I have lived for 63 years and the one that has exploded into my life in the last 18 months.

I know where my happiness is guiding me. I just still can't believe that's where I'm headed....surreal.

HappyMoni · March 04, 2019, 08:22:58 PM

Quote from: Emma1017 on March 04, 2019, 05:45:56 PM
My point is I have difficulty bridging the two realities, the one I have lived for 63 years and the one that has exploded into my life in the last 18 months.

I know where my happiness is guiding me. I just still can't believe that's where I'm headed....surreal.

You may 'get it' better than you think you do. Yeah, the whole thing is totally surreal. As I contemplated transition, went through transition, and now almost three years since leaving my old self behind, it is all surreal. I think its kind of like stepping on an elevator on the first floor (one reality) then stepping out into a different world on the third floor. It's real, but it doesn't quite seem that way. Sorry, I feel another analogy coming on. I think its a deal where you just go with it, like tubing on a river. There is this force moving you in a direction, you are powerless to stop that force, so you just have to relax and go with it and trust that it will work out.
Moni

KimOct · March 05, 2019, 02:45:03 AM

Quote from: Emma1017 on March 04, 2019, 10:36:21 AM
It's funny, as I continue to process being transgender and very slowly evolve my gender presentation, it constantly hits me how incredibly surreal this all is.

I really feel like I have a split personality.

It is a constant battle for gender dominance between my heart and my brain. On this thread its mostly heart while in "real life" its mostly brain and they are not getting along.

The reality of transition is becoming more real every day but I keep rejecting that I am ever going to actually do it...while I continue to do it (i.e. I keep going for laser treatments, scheduling voice lessons, etc.).

Does that make sense???

I am constantly shaking my head.

The part of the above quote is -"I feel like I have a split personality". I absolutely had that as I was transitioning. In the 6 to 9 months from when I started therapy and going to certain appointments presenting as female ( I don't care for the phrase en femme - it reminds me too much of when I was trying to get by with just cross dressing ) anyhoo...

During that time when I was not full time yet I completely felt like I had a split personality. It didn't feel like a disorder rather one day I looked like Mike and the next day I looked like Kim. It was disconcerting. Emma I think that is just part of the process. Don't let it get to you. This is a long strange trip ( As the Grateful Dead said

)

Rather than fight the strangeness of it embrace that you are experiencing something that few people ever experience. Before you know it this part of the journey will be a memory.

randim · March 05, 2019, 05:50:57 AM

I don't think the split personality feeling is strange at all. It resonates with me and strikes me as extremely common for trans people. It is classic for cross-dressers to claim a female alter-ego. Tri-Ess is literally the "Society for the Second Self." Probably a testament to what a powerful force the culture and socialization has been in our lives. We were not supposed to be trans growing up. But when what we were supposed to be and what we actually are are so at diametrically opposed, we're going to do some mental gymnastics. And let me tell you, I've had some epic performances on the uneven bars through the years.

Emma1017 · March 05, 2019, 07:28:00 AM

Moni, Kim and Randim:

Your collective analogies have just made me smile and laugh.

Moni I saw a couple floating on inner tubes on an ad in the subway today. I actually laughed, which of course drew some strange glances. I also paused as I pressed the floor button on the elevator going to work today.

Kim, the Grateful Dead just made my transition music list.

Randim I keep having images of your dismount off the uneven bars. I should probably start with yoga.

Its interesting. This may be very surreal but I know that Emma and I are the same person.

Its just a question of who do I want looking back in the mirror in two years.

Hugs,

Emma

randim · March 05, 2019, 08:58:16 AM

Quote from: Emma1017 on March 05, 2019, 07:28:00 AM

Its interesting. This may be very surreal but I know that Emma and I are the same person.

Yes, When you first realize you are trans of some sort and have those feelings of wanting to express as other than your birth gender, those voices in your head (or at least my head at the time) go "My parents say no. My relatives say no. The church says no. The school says no. The television says no. All the books I read say no. Everybody says no." (Note: This is probably much less true today.) It's a pretty natural reaction to deal with that by trying to compartmentalize those feelings and wall them off from your daily life, and only allow them at select times. And a persona is born, some more elaborate than others I suppose. Some people do ok with that for their whole lives I guess. And if if works for them, more power to them. It has stopped working for me. I think a big part of the trans experience is breaking down those walls and embracing your gender identity, whatever that might be, and welcoming it into your daily life. For some, that will mean a full transition, for others gender fluidity or some other spot on the spectrum, but in all cases an attempt to heal and become whole. At least it seems that way to me. Of course, I could be full of it.

I often am.

Emma1017 · March 05, 2019, 09:30:49 AM

I agree Randim, hopefully we all arrive at the solution that works specifically for each one of us.

The one thing I know is that the solution is only arrived at through an agonizing process. Society just doesn't give us a choice or a chance.

The three most important things that have helped me most to process all this were:

1. My therapist: She is my best ally
2. This site and everyone on it! Major hugs!!!
3. Two books: The Transgender Guidebook by Anne L. Boedecker, PhD and The Gendered Self by Anne
M. Vitale

There are a ton of other things I have read in my ignorance and panic to understand but these three have given me the most clarity.

KimOct · March 05, 2019, 10:39:16 AM

I am a big advocate of reading lots of sources when coming to terms with being transgender. That includes messed up ones so that you can refute those theories as well.

I like Anne Vitale's work. It is straightforward and rings true to me.

Eventually the searching for answers ends and you just accept OK I am trans, but I think the process of looking for the answers helps us find our way even if the ultimate answer for why is just - because I am.

News:

Which hurts less