Which hurts less

[Colleen_definitely]

Do breast buds periodically change sizes?  I have noticed that they have gotten bigger and smaller then bigger again.  I don't have a clue if that's normal.

Mine did that.  It wasn't a dramatic size difference but they definitely varied a bit from week to week.

[Emma1017]

Thanks Colleen. I am in uncharted territory.

[KimOct]

Another milestone Emma - Electro.  Yeah you might want to rethink the golf option    Electro is a pain in the face and the butt.  Literally and metaphorically.  It does take forever.  Shaving the same day...no bueno.  The day before... an experienced tech can handle that... mine did and my beard grows somewhat slowly.

I would probably go 2 days your first time or two just to make sure she can get it.  Then ask if you can go for one day of no shaving. 

You think it is bad not shaving for a day or two now?  Just wait until you are full time and still getting treatments and then go without shaving.  There is not enough concealer in the world for that.  A real treat that is. UGH.

The happy part is.......
You are starting to remove your beard.  YAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is exciting. 

[Emma1017]

Thanks Kim.  This whole process is getting very tangible.

[Emma1017]

My friend Kim started a thread about her journey in "Why did I start so late."   I wrote my response and decided to re-post it here because we are all going through the same pain:

Hey Kim:

I really want to thank you for writing this.  I helps me every time I read the personal stories here.  Its like reading my own over and over again. 

It reminds me that the painful shame that I hid all these years was not my pain alone.  We are all victims and we all need to understand that.  It took me a long time, with your help and everyone else's, for me to finally get it. 

It's not our fault. 

We had no control over how our gender was pre-wired and then how our bodies were built.  Society gave us no tools back then to have any conceptual idea of what happened to us nor way to verbalize our confusion and pain.  We were bottled up with fear and shame for decades.

The next challenge is figuring out what each of us needs to do next.  Thank you for your courage and for sharing.

Big hug,

Emma

[KimOct]

Emma, I am honored to be your friend. 

[Emma1017]

It is entirely my honor Kim.

[Emma1017]

I have always been impressed by the camaraderie portrayed by THE BAND OF BROTHERS .

I have seen that bonding here.  This is a Band of Sisters!

[Emma1017]

Really got beat up again by my endless doubts. "Why is this necessary?"keeps echoing in my head.  I am so tired of asking that question.

If i transition does the doubt stop?  I would really like a break.  I should rename this thread "which gives me less doubt?"

[HappyMoni]

Really got beat up again by my endless doubts. "Why is this necessary?"keeps echoing in my head.  I am so tired of asking that question.

If i transition does the doubt stop?  I would really like a break.  I should rename this thread "which gives me less doubt?"

Emma, does this ring true? You ask why it is necessary because of the 'costs' of transitioning, not the end result.

[Emma1017]

Hi Moni:

I guess my endless problem is I have at least a year before I make the irreversible decision and go for GCS followed by another year wait for FFS. 

I will continually keep asking the "cost".  I won't know the worth until after the surgeries and then I can tell the "value" versus the "cost".  Until that time I will constantly keep asking the question.

I should probably stop this thread because I am trapped in this emotional loop and you all don't need to read it over and over again.

It's a mental trap and I am stuck with it.  I know I am wired female.  It's the presentation need that I keep evaluating.

It's humorous.  As I keep protesting here, I keep advancing my transition by everything I do and have done so far but it is all still reversible so the ultimate risk is pretty much zero.

GCS and FFS requires a 100%, irreversible decision.  That is a very high personal investment.  I keep asking is it a fantasy or a necessary reality.

So around in circles I go 24/7.

I wish I could just do the surgery now and be done with it.  It's kind of "put up or shut up".  I am tired of hearing myself.  You must be too.

Emma

[KimOct]

Emma - Several thoughts.  First Moni makes a good point. 

Second  'It's a mental trap and I am stuck with it.  I know I am wired female.  It's the presentation need that I keep evaluating.'     Yep you are wired female.  My opinion - live as you know you are.

Third  ' I am tired of hearing myself.  You must be too.'   13,000 views - I don't think people are tired of reading it.  If so they can stop reading.  Obviously your story resonates with many people, primarily 'lurkers'  btw 'lurkers' is not the derogatory word is sounds like - rather it is just referring to those of you that don't post.   For those of us that have transitioned - no offensive - your story is kind of old news.  But we want to help you and others.

Lastly - At the end of the day all of this is your decision and yours alone.  Whether to keep this thread going, whether to have surgery, whether to transition.  It's all up to you.  I think you know, but it is not my or anyone else's opinion that matters, it is yours.

Moni said it much more succinctly than I did but these paragraphs all boil down to her one point.  I just gave her point an explanation.

Hugs to you always.

[Emma1017]

God dam it Kim you got me crying again.  I need some time off. This crying is killing me.

[KimOct]

Sorry 

[Emma1017]

I hate myself. I am so dark.

[Emma1017]

I cant stop crying.   I hate this. I just want this to stop. Dear god enough

[Emma1017]

I am so so sorry I need to stop. My heart is breaking.

[KimOct]

Please call your therapist tomorrow.  Not because you are crazy or something stupid.  Because the tough times like this are what they are there for.

You are in our thoughts.

PS  I have called my therapist several times in the last few years.  Most recently a few months ago at 500am and left a voicemail.  I just needed someone to 'hear' how I felt.  I am pretty strong but we all fall apart sometimes.  And then we get up.

[LizK]

I am so so sorry I need to stop. My heart is breaking.

Deep breath...call a friend or therapist. Write to me if you want but please talk with some one. Feel better soon

Hugs
Liz

[Emma1017]

 I am very sorry Kim.  I wasn't angry with you, you know that.

And Liz thank you for your thoughts.

I was massively raw last night and then had too much wine.  It really exposed my feelings.

Those feelings are very powerful and I keep trying to fight them or negotiate with them.  They obviously cannot be ignored. 

The strength of those feeling scare me.  I had them so successfully walled up for years that I really didn't even know they were there any more.  The emotionally explosive nature of them over the last 18 months have just pounded me endlessly.

I really need to find a better way to channel them for the next year.  Clearly I am not doing enough right now.