Which hurts less

[HappyMoni]

Emma,
   All I can say is I am sorry for your torment. Take time away if you feel it. Distract yourself if you can. It isn't good to think of anything all the time. With dysphoria, you want an answer not now, but yesterday. Those answers don't come that quickly. In the mean time, you want to beat your head against the wall with frustration. I've been there. I would suggest you keep this thread open. Don't worry about irritating others. During my waiting times, I came on here many times. I think secretly, deep down I hoped to find something said here to be some sort of answer. Of course, the answer was not in these words said by me or others. It did give me a lifeline, a connection that helped me. Yes I still had to wait. Nothing satisfied me until my life moved on, but being on here gave me a sense of belonging. It helped me think about building the person I wanted to become, and it let me vent. I formed bonds with others. I helped others through tough times and they helped me. I know there are some who are helped by your words. In this whole rotten process of going through all this crap, helping others is definitely a bright spot. If there is one thing I have learned in my journey, it is to keep a basic core of positivity within yourself. Fight like hell to keep it. Giving in to the negative is a trap that only makes things worse. Keep communicating even if you need a break for a while. Hugs to you! Nice warm wet ones! Well, maybe not wet! 
Moni

[Emma1017]

Thank you Moni. 

You are right I just want to move on but I wish it wasn't as brutally painful as it is.  It is forcing me to make decisions I don't make and to hurt people that I never want to hurt.

Even if I want to move forward, I can't.  The year plus wait is going to be massively difficult.  It gives time for the uncertainty and doubt to fester.  I will need to find positives to prevent the emotional rot.

I will keep this thread going because its one of the very few places that I can celebrate the incremental changes in my gender with people who care, understand, support and will cheer with me.  I like the "yays!!!"

A very DRY hug,

Emma

[Emma1017]

I just need to add, you all are great.  Thank you all for your support.  You have been there for me.

Thank you is inadequate but thank you.


Massive hugs,

Emma

[KimOct]

That darn Moni - Mom told ME I was the smart one !!   

So I am guilty of the following word to which here is the definition:

ru·mi·nate

verb
1.
think deeply about something.
"we sat ruminating on the nature of existence"
synonyms:   think about, contemplate, consider, give thought to, give consideration to, mull over, meditate on, muse on, ponder on/over, deliberate about/on, cogitate about/on, dwell on, brood on/over, agonize over, worry about, chew over, puzzle over

I am an expert. 

Emma - Please do your best to get your mind off this sometimes.  I don't think that means going away for awhile, but if that feels right to you please do so.  There are two reasons I goof around with Moni.
1.  It's fun.
2.  To lighten the mood. 
Like the time you almost said Emma when giving your name to someone.  There truly are funny things on this journey.
Sometimes when we are out in public they just occur to us.  Try to look at the ridiculous side of this whole thing. There really is one.  There are two sides to this coin.  The brutally hard one that causes pain and requires courage and the side that is beautiful, joyful, funny and affirming.

Try to see them both.

Now to turn this about me for a minute....
Emma and I PM occasionally and I tend to RUMINATE    about if I am ever hurting her feelings because of the whole tough love thing.  She has assured me repeatedly I am not.  But I was thinking about it today and even if Emma is tough enough to take it I got to thinking what about others.

What got me through transitioning was that kind of tough love but it probably is not for everyone.  I am second guessing my approach on this forum.  I would love to hear other opinions.  Do I come on too strong challenging people?  The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, I want to help.  I would appreciate responses from people that have read enough of my posts to have a sense of how I am and not just off the cuff comments.

Lastly Love takes many different forms.  Love of a parent, a child, a friend, romantic love.  What is love between people that only communicate in writing and have never spoken or met?  I don't know exactly because it is certainly not to the same depth as the aforementioned ones but I say it can exist. 

We love you Emma and the others of you reading this that don't participate. 
We could love you more if we knew you. 

[LizK]

I just need to add, you all are great.  Thank you all for your support.  You have been there for me.

Thank you is inadequate but thank you.


Massive hugs,

Emma

I am glad you are felling a bit better...this being Trans is a tough gig and sometimes it just get the better of us. If you were to read my threads on here there are plenty of times I was really upset about different things and its all just part of the journey.

Stay positive and take care of yourself.

Liz

[GinaG]

That darn Moni - Mom told ME I was the smart one !!   

So I am guilty of the following word to which here is the definition:

ru·mi·nate

verb
1.
think deeply about something.
"we sat ruminating on the nature of existence"
synonyms:   think about, contemplate, consider, give thought to, give consideration to, mull over, meditate on, muse on, ponder on/over, deliberate about/on, cogitate about/on, dwell on, brood on/over, agonize over, worry about, chew over, puzzle over

I am an expert. 

Emma - Please do your best to get your mind off this sometimes.  I don't think that means going away for awhile, but if that feels right to you please do so.  There are two reasons I goof around with Moni.
1.  It's fun.
2.  To lighten the mood. 
Like the time you almost said Emma when giving your name to someone.  There truly are funny things on this journey.
Sometimes when we are out in public they just occur to us.  Try to look at the ridiculous side of this whole thing. There really is one.  There are two sides to this coin.  The brutally hard one that causes pain and requires courage and the side that is beautiful, joyful, funny and affirming.

Try to see them both.

Now to turn this about me for a minute....
Emma and I PM occasionally and I tend to RUMINATE    about if I am ever hurting her feelings because of the whole tough love thing.  She has assured me repeatedly I am not.  But I was thinking about it today and even if Emma is tough enough to take it I got to thinking what about others.

What got me through transitioning was that kind of tough love but it probably is not for everyone.  I am second guessing my approach on this forum.  I would love to hear other opinions.  Do I come on too strong challenging people?  The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, I want to help.  I would appreciate responses from people that have read enough of my posts to have a sense of how I am and not just off the cuff comments.

Lastly Love takes many different forms.  Love of a parent, a child, a friend, romantic love.  What is love between people that only communicate in writing and have never spoken or met?  I don't know exactly because it is certainly not to the same depth as the aforementioned ones but I say it can exist. 

We love you Emma and the others of you reading this that don't participate. 
We could love you more if we knew you. 

Kim,

I for one appreciate your comments. They are honest., based on your experience.  Always they make me think.   I need the truth about the pathI am on.  I never read mean, or ugly in your words. Your care and love permeates your posts.  Maybe a tough love thread would be interesting. 


Emma,  I am sorry it is so hard.  I was in a black mood a few days ago too.  It seems so far that I have to go.   You too.   Patience is so difficult after so many years of denial.  Your posts inspire me, and I know others.   You are honest about the ups a downs.  I have little to contribute. Just a beginner in transition.   But I do care for everyone here already. 


Hugs to you both.

Gina

[KimOct]

Gina - Here is what you have to contribute.
1. Honesty
2. Ask questions.  (others are probably thinking the same )
3. Talk about your feelings (see above )

When I was on the forum I used to haunt (I am much happier here ) I was a newbie but I made a bit of a splash by asking questions - not just on other people's threads but I would start my own thread with a well thought out question.

You do have much to contribute even as someone just starting this journey, it's just that your contributions are from a different place.  And we are here to help when you need support, especially people that are smarter than me.  Which is almost everyone 

[Emma1017]

After last nights' melt down I have decided to share something massively personal. I feel I owe it to you.

I actually prayed tonight.  I prayed for strength. I always thought of myself as strong. I have always been strong for others. I always thought I was strong enough for me. 

Obviously not.  I need more strength.

This is where it it gets very personal and I think this is the right place and the right people.

For five years my son fought leukemia.

Endless nights I spent in his room at the hospital.  I even slept on the floor of his ICU.  He never ever asked "why me?"

He was the strongest person I ever met.  Many times after his passing I asked "am I strong enough?"  I am still here.

He is one of the reasons why I didn't do anything on that subway platform and sought help.

I needed his strength.

This is a brutal process.

I keep asking why me.  The answer is simple, "you have no choice". 

I don't want to accept who and what I am but he had no choice either.  I need to accept it is not my choice but I need to accept that I still have choices....he had none.

I need to accept and choose.  I should recognize that I have better options than he was given.  As hard as that is, I have a better choice.

Thanks for hanging with me.  Choose and live a better life.  There is worse out there.

Have strength.

Hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

I want to share some additional thoughts.

I truly have joy.  I touch my the growth of my breast.  It brings me totally joy.  I love the feel.  I love the change. I love the incredible sensation of the softness of my skin.  The joy is inescapable.

But it brings guilt.  I know my wife can't share that joy.  I hope that some day she will under stand but I know know that it is up to me to help her understand and that she will.

It is her choice and that it is up to me to try and get her there.  She will have to choose.  My choice is already made....I hope.

In the end, I have no choice.  The joy is real and inescapable.  Last night was my drucken attempt to fight back against the inescapable.  I need to accept.  Everything else is just stupid.

I hope this makes sense to you.  I am still trying.

I love you all for being there for me.


Hugs to all,

Emma

[Rayna]

Emma, I'm so sorry for your difficulties, and for the loss of your son in the past. You will always miss him and think of him. I'm glad you can find joy, and you know the path you want to take. Give it time (you have to -- a year).

@KimOct, I don't find your tough love approach at all harsh or off-putting. Your genuine care and concern always shows through.

Hugs, Randy

[HappyMoni]

Emma,
   I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. THAT is the hardest think ever, I think!
   With warmth,
Moni

[Emma1017]

Thank you Randy and Moni for your thoughts. 

We all carry tragedies in our lives.  I didn't share for the drama of it, I shared my son's passing because it is key to my thoughts lately.  Do I have enough strength to transition? 

His strength is my goal.  I want to stop whining because I have a better choice than he did and he never whined.

Clearly I am frustrated, angry, scared and doubtful.  That's when you need strength the most and that's when I think of him.

Hugs,

Emma

[KimOct]

Emma I also am sorry for your loss.  I was aware - I don't remember if it was this thread or PM.  It is probably one of the most devastating things someone can endure.   

I can relate somewhat because I have 2 non verbal autistic kids they are in their 20s and will never have what most consider a meaningful life.  I am glad they are still with us but I grieve the loss of their life experiences every day.

Even for those of us that are strong - I include you - eventually our strength runs out.  I have had many other challenges I have mentioned in other posts.  I told my therapist that my 'gas tank' is almost empty.  There is only so much we can endure.  But I ALWAYS find people every day that would love to be me.  I have a place to live, food, a car, a job, healthcare.  I am sane (quiet Moni  )  I am healthy enough to still live a full life.

There is always someone that has it worse.  Does that make our problems insignificant?  Of course not.  But what's important is to look at life as a balance of our blessings and our challenges.

That is how when our 'gas tank' is empty we can find more in the reserve tank.  I always seem to find some left in the tank just when I thought it was empty.

YOU WILL TOO.

[Emma1017]

I am on a professional conference.

I have spent the last two night talking to young professional women.  I talked to them about their tremendous potential as people and as women.  My job is dominated by men.  We shared a lot a about being female in our business.

I loved be so supportive.

I made them beleive that my client was mtf transgender (obviously me) and
helped them understand the difficulties of being transgender.   I loved the dialogue.  It made me feel accepted.  It went on for hours.

I know my job is to realize the strength of my convictions and to share that strength and support with my wife.  If I can't provide that bedrock of conviction I will lose her.

I need that absolute strength.

That is my goal.

[Emma1017]

I wish you all strength and hope.

A very deep hug and love,

Emma

[KimOct]

Emma I understand you are dealing with the rest of life as we all should.  Our livelihoods matter and outside interests.
Being trans is only a part of who we are.

When you do get a chance to read this I have a suspicion that as your wonderful conversation (not sarcasm ) that you carried on with those women the more you shared about your 'client' and your support and understanding of trans issues they probably figured out it was you.

A passing mention would not have tipped them off but prolonged support and empathy probably did.  It was most likely a good thing and part of the reason they bonded with you, and of course your professional knowledge and charming personality.

Usually when we think we are flying under the radar in reality their radar is flashing brightly.

Enjoy the conference.  Talk to you soon.

PS for future reference for everyone - tipping your hand a little bit is not a bad thing.  Then people are less surprised when the day comes.

[Emma1017]

Kim you made me laugh.

You are right I was feeling so smooth with my introduction of the subject.  Both times it was a cocktail party.  They were great conversations fueled by glasses of wine.

Hmmmm, so you think I was "reversed clocked"?  Wow, stealth transitioning is tougher than I thought and I have at least another year.

I have to make sure my "slip" doesn't show until then

[KimOct]

Uh..... yeah.  I think you reverse clocked yourself.  Outed yourself is more accurate.  Of course there is no way of knowing for sure what they were thinking and they probably aren't sure either but I believe they were probably thinking - 'I think we are talking to the 'client'    No big deal.

I know that you have concerns regarding your wife and your son related to the business and that is a big factor in your transition process.  Very understandable.  But I still standby my belief that transitioning usually doesn't go as originally planned.  How much it varies depends on each person or circumstance.

Mine varied dramatically from the original plan, yours may not.  Regardless how much it varies from the plan having a plan was still important for me.  It keeps you moving forward, and then you make adjustments. 

Keeping up a facade will become more challenging.  Maybe some cracks in that facade are not a bad thing.

[HappyMoni]

Uh..... yeah.  I think you reverse clocked yourself.  Outed yourself is more accurate.  Of course there is no way of knowing for sure what they were thinking and they probably aren't sure either but I believe they were probably thinking - 'I think we are talking to the 'client'    No big deal.

I know that you have concerns regarding your wife and your son related to the business and that is a big factor in your transition process.  Very understandable.  But I still standby my belief that transitioning usually doesn't go as originally planned.  How much it varies depends on each person or circumstance.

Mine varied dramatically from the original plan, yours may not.  Regardless how much it varies from the plan having a plan was still important for me.  It keeps you moving forward, and then you make adjustments. 

Keeping up a facade will become more challenging.  Maybe some cracks in that facade are not a bad thing.

I find it incredibly hard to believe! Unbelievably unlikely, but I agree with Kim. lol I think it likely your time line is gonna be different than your plan calls for. We'll just have to see. (Foot tapping, looking at watch, big sigh!)

[Emma1017]

Ok Kim and Moni:

I have decided I am not transgender....I am Tahitian. 
Now leave me alone!

Aloha,

Anuata

PS I'm telling Mom!