Kim:
I absolutely agree with the two points you made. Unquestionably I am a victim of fear and conditioning. This entire year plus has been me coming to grips with them and probably why I keep torturing everyone, including you, as I slowly, painfully re-condition my emotions and thoughts while I build up the courage to go forward.
As I said in this thread at the beginning of last year: "It is not a choice. The female gender was hardwired in me before birth and then buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial." That's a big wall to tear down.
The key thing I know is that I am making progress. I hope that reading this thread at least shows that.
It doesn't mean I am totally purged of my fears. Unfortunately, my time line of waiting a year plus from now for any surgery means that I will continue to doubt myself but I have purged the shame.
The "the pity, shame and thoughtless comments of others" I mentioned is regarding the ones who love me, i.e. my wife, who will have to deal with the "others". She is at a disadvantage. She doesn't have the 63 years of repressed thought combined with a year of 24/7 processing that I have. She has tremendous courage but this is a lot to ask. As I said earlier I need to be stronger and my commitment must be stronger for her.
The "others" are those who are light years away from ever understanding what we have gone through. They will be there and they will verbalize their ignorance. I agree with you that it is "Bull$#!+" but I strongly believe the more vocal and visible we are the more accepting society will become and that ignorance will increasingly begin to dissipate.
I also totally know that I will get love, support and understanding from many people when I transition. I learned this from you and everyone who have shared with me here. I hope I am shocked by the numbers of supporters. My heart will need them.
Thank you for your caring and support.
Hugs,
Emma
