Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

Oh my God Kirsten the honor is all mine!

Kim you are truly like a big sister!  I know I have a long way to go but I never thought I would get this far.  It wouldn't have happened without you and all the other big sisters.

Warms hugs all,

Emma

[KimOct]

In the rest of life we are far from your 'big' sisters - I know a little bit of your story and I have the sense that you are very wise and knowledgeable but in this arena - yeah I guess we are.

Happy to do it.  It is a pleasure to pay forward to you what others have done for us.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Oh my God Kirsten the honor is all mine!

Kim you are truly like a big sister!  I know I have a long way to go but I never thought I would get this far.  It wouldn't have happened without you and all the other big sisters.

Warms hugs all,

Emma

We are both at a very similar stage in transition. When I see you I see me reflected back.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[KatieP]

In the rest of life we are far from your 'big' sisters -

Maybe she was talking about our weight? OK. Not YOUR weight. She was calling me fat. OK. OK. I have 30 more pounds to lose. But I am working on it. Really. (I probably shouldn't mention the 8 Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies I just ate, should I?)

So, I am BIG, but it is Big-boned. Not just fat...



Kate

[KimOct]

LOL  Yeah I passed big boned awhile ago  .  No girl scout cookies this year though.  How did that happen?

On a serious note about weight I was just lying in bed and unable to sleep came back to my computer to check on a bank issue and jumped on for a second.  Looking for a PM actually, but that's my little secret.

So while lying in bed I was feeling lousy about the weight I have put on.  I think I am being self destructive.  I am so disappointed in my lack of FFS I have been emotionally binge eating.   IDIOT.

FFS costs $40,000 or more for what they want to do on me.  Losing weight is free.  My new mission.  I have done everything else I can do this.   Hmmm.....  I wonder what's in the fridge for a late night snack?    Kidding.  I am going to do this.

[KatieP]

LOL  Yeah I passed big boned awhile ago  .  No girl scout cookies this year though.  How did that happen?

On a serious note about weight I was just lying in bed and unable to sleep came back to my computer to check on a bank issue and jumped on for a second.  Looking for a PM actually, but that's my little secret.

So while lying in bed I was feeling lousy about the weight I have put on.  I think I am being self destructive.  I am so disappointed in my lack of FFS I have been emotionally binge eating.   IDIOT.

FFS costs $40,000 or more for what they want to do on me.  Losing weight is free.  My new mission.  I have done everything else I can do this.   Hmmm.....  I wonder what's in the fridge for a late night snack?    Kidding.  I am going to do this.

I hope my comment, Kim, about the GS cookies lets you know that ALL of us have this same issue. (OK. Maybe Ashley is never hungry and always eats healthy. But she is a total statistical anomaly!!!)

And, over-weight or not, YOU are still a really pretty woman. Every time I see your avatar picture, I am envious of your feminine features. All you can do is all you can do. You are doing that.

And as for being self-destructive because you can't do FFS, well, I am not your therapist, but I think I dismiss that idea. Sure, it's not great you can't do the FFS right now. But FFS does not change WHO you are, or how you can be out in the world. The weight part is a different issue, I think. Sure, depression may add to our eating tendencies, but over eating and under exercising are pretty common in post 40 adults in the US. You, and many of us, qualify, sister!

Be strong. You really are pretty wonderful. Believe it!

Kate
Edited to remove the multiple Kates. Not sure how that happened... 

[KimOct]

Thanks Kate for the support.  I get a fair number of comments about my avatar.  It really is legit - not touched up or altered in any way but I feel like it's a fraud.  It is my best picture.  I got the lighting and the angle right, had on false eyelashes etc.

The me you would see in real life is not so gorgeous.  Again the pic is legit but it is by far my best one.

I talk about courage to come out etc and I feel very qualified to talk about that - but I still struggle with my own body dysphoria.  On the other hand my therapist once told me most women struggle with their appearance so she welcomed me to the club 

[Emma1017]

OK OK OK forget the "big sister"!!!!!!! 

How about "sophisticated women of experience" or "People of advanced gender identity" or "Unbound gender associates" 

or simply, close friends who are helping my through the most difficult time of my life.  I like that best.

Kim I may be generally smart, nothing special, but my ignorance of the emotional power of this experience is overwhelming.  You all have kept me from drowning. If I am able to doggy paddle, its because I have had some of the best instructors.

About weight loss, Kim if you can handle electrolysis (and everything else you have been through!!!), you got this and you know it!

Katie now I know I am female.  I weigh myself every day, which I never ever did 2 years ago.  I started dieting and increased exercising and I am still not close to my target weight.  I am constantly looking at my stomach and my chest and just sighing . 

I know its crazy but I am enjoying my sudden narcissistic self interest.  I never cared before.

Kirsten its great to compare our progress, including all the pain, frustrations and secret joys.


Hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

Hey Kim we are joining a very tough club with impossible standards.  I was waiting for my voice appointment yesterday and sat there reading Vogue...yeah that was useful...

Therapists must love us because we go from a very unique emotionally weakening experience, gender dysphoria, to a whole new world of female body dysphoria.  The analysts are all buying condos in Hawaii as we speak with the profits we generate.

Look at photos of the old male "you" and then look a the new female ones.  Just measure the smiles!!!  You are in a much better spot and you know it.   Relax, we will never the perfect female of our dreams but its great to just finally be female. 

You have the rest of your life to work on "perfection"...Just remember it sure beats golf .

Hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

"We are both at a very similar stage in transition. When I see you I see me reflected back."


Kirsten I am pretty confident that you look a lot better than me  but I really appreciate sharing the common joy we are experiencing.  I have a very limited audience in my day-to-day  life with whom to share that joy.

Hugs,

Emma

[HappyMoni]

If you think therapists love us, imagine the electrolysis folks. They must start thinking of a trip to the bank when we walk in the door.



I think we all have our issues to work on. For some it is weight, for some it is coming out or facing our truths! The past 3 years I have faced a lot of my demons. My current one is my voice. It's superficial to some, but important to me. The best thing I know to do is take positive steps, even if we fall sometimes. Positive steps get us somewhere. Negative steps mire us in fear and anxiety and lower self esteem. Hey, not trying to be preachy here. I have been lucky in many ways, and I recognize not having  to deal with issues others have. Still, I have seen what works and what doesn't. One of the most insidious traps we fall into is stopping our progress because of FEAR OF FAILURE. This I faced and defeated the last few years, but with my voice it is especially bad. I can't seem to make that call to set up working on it. I pledge to face this, even if I get frustrated. Any other pledgers in this wonderful group of folks?
Moni

[KatieP]

Katie now I know I am female.  I weigh myself every day, which I never ever did 2 years ago.  I started dieting and increased exercising and I am still not close to my target weight.  I am constantly looking at my stomach and my chest and just sighing . 

I think we know we are in the club when we watch "The Devil wears Prada" and when the woman says the line, "I am just one stomach flue away from my goal weight" instead of laughing, we start wondering if we have any sick friends...



Kate

[Emma1017]

Moni you are absolutely right.  I just got back from my second electrolysis appointment.  The person is great but she also confirmed that I have three years to go....OUCH!

I should have become an electrolysis gender therapist!

Moni if you did electrolysis then you can do voice!  It's just regular practice like a musical instrument.  Think of it as singing lessons.  Alternatively you could always learn sign language....

In the last week I started electrolysis and voice because everyone here told me it takes the longest.  It feels like forever!

[Emma1017]

or Katie where can we buy our own flu.  Food poisoning is always another alternative....

[KatieP]

One of the most insidious traps we fall into is stopping our progress because of FEAR OF FAILURE. This I faced and defeated the last few years, but with my voice it is especially bad. I can't seem to make that call to set up working on it. I pledge to face this, even if I get frustrated. Any other pledgers in this wonderful group of folks?
Moni

Moni, If there is a common theme in the millions of posts on this forum, I would be fear of failure would be it.

And, if one reads a thread about one person for long enough, it seems a VERY common result is: People just decide to do it, no matter the possibility of failure. It seems we ALL worry about it, and in the end, we ALL decide possible failure just does not matter.

I believe the faster we get from Fear to Doesn't Matter, the faster we get to satisfaction with the result, whatever the result.

So, I hear you about your voice, Moni. And, I do think that you will have to get to Doesn't Matter before you will be satisfied.

As for HOW to get to Doesn't Matter, it might be that therapy would help, but for me, it was just jumping in and doing it. Eventually, when the world did not stop, I worried less and less until one day I realized IT Doesn't Matter...

Kate

[KatieP]

or Katie where can we buy our own flu.  Food poisoning is always another alternative....

I think, Emma, that you shop in far more "complete" stores than I do, as I have not seen this sort of thing for sale.

That said, I think Arby's can be comfortably relied upon to produce the food poisoning alternative...



Kate

[Emma1017]

Katie I love your "DM" strategy. 

Ever since I learned that I needed to transition, fear has been my constant companion.  At least I lost shame along the way.

You and everyone else helped me to find a path through many fears.  That doesn't mean for each of us that it's a one time experience but at least we know we can do it.

Regarding food poisoning, how about sushi at 711 as a source?  I can source the flu for you by simply taking a NYC subway.  Our homeless love to share

Hugs,

Emma

[HappyMoni]

Moni, If there is a common theme in the millions of posts on this forum, I would be fear of failure would be it.

And, if one reads a thread about one person for long enough, it seems a VERY common result is: People just decide to do it, no matter the possibility of failure. It seems we ALL worry about it, and in the end, we ALL decide possible failure just does not matter.

I believe the faster we get from Fear to Doesn't Matter, the faster we get to satisfaction with the result, whatever the result.

So, I hear you about your voice, Moni. And, I do think that you will have to get to Doesn't Matter before you will be satisfied.

As for HOW to get to Doesn't Matter, it might be that therapy would help, but for me, it was just jumping in and doing it. Eventually, when the world did not stop, I worried less and less until one day I realized IT Doesn't Matter...

Kate

I think you are right about that fear being such a commonality, Katie. I did say 'F' it and transitioned with the best voice I could manage. I also had facial surgery with the wrong doctor because I couldn't wait to transition one day longer. I guess I learned to say 'F' it, but 'It Doesn't Matter' eludes me. I have another 5 1/2 hours of electrolysis in the next few weeks and then I'm done. I used the excuse of the millions I was shelling out for electrolysis as reason not to spend more money on voice. That excuse will be gone. At least with electrolysis, any failure is not my fault unlike the voice lessons. I need to get someone to help me in other than musical terms because musically I'm clueless and tone deaf I think. To me it is the hardest thing about transitioning.

[KimOct]

Such wonderful replies I missed today.  You all are pretty smart !!  I could have copied 3 or 4 quotes in the last page of this thread and said YES !!

Emma - You are definitely getting there.  You still have miles to go but I can feel the difference.  Your confidence is growing - your insight into yourself and your overall attitude.  You came from a tough place emotionally to get here.

There will be more hurdles in your path - sadly I can pretty much guarantee it as you probably realize as well.  But you have built the foundation you need to conquer this journey and ultimately get to a better place.

MONI !! - good to see you.  Driving home today Moni Moni - by Billy Idol came on the radio and I thought -yeah what the hell where has she been this week? 

I went to a speech therapist for 4 months.  I made a joke at work today saying that I should sue her for malpractice.    My voice sucks but I am close to the 'doesn't matter' point.

[HappyMoni]

MONI !! - good to see you.  Driving home today Moni Moni - by Billy Idol came on the radio and I thought -yeah what the hell where has she been this week? 

Never heard it. That is Mon-knee, not Moanie, right. Everyone always wants to say my name is Moanie. Yuk. Moni like Bonnie. And I've been here, where you been? Don't give a lame excuse like work either young lady!  I'm waiting!