Susan's Place Logo

News:

Visit our Discord server  and Wiki

Main Menu

Which hurts less

Started by Emma1017, August 24, 2018, 12:42:27 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

HappyMoni

Quote from: Emma1017 on April 11, 2019, 12:05:50 PM
Ok so I was reading today:   Gender Dysphoria in Adults: An Overview and Primer for Psychiatrists Published online 2018 May 18  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5944396/ to try an yet understand what is happening to me and a simple question crossed my mind:

In spite decades of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming, male confirming social relationships, male confirming romantic relationships and very deep personal denial,  why is this female personality so strong that it overcomes all of this?

Emma, let's turn this on its head and look at it backwards. Suppose you started out as a woman and somehow magically had the male hormones injected, male socialization, gender programming, relationships as a 'male', male confirming romantic relationships, etc. would all that matter to you if you really are a woman to begin with. Essentially, you still are a woman who got through all of the above by hook or by crook. What makes you think you wouldn't want to realize your potential as the woman you are. I wouldn't be satisfied, I'd be pissed. Now the only difference between the above scenario and your scenario is the chromosomal difference  of XY not XX. (Lest you think this is not a real situation, I met someone who went through what is described above. She was genetically female, was forced to take the other role and it just didn't work. It caused great misery until she got right with being female.)

Not sure if I like the outfit I would have to wear to be a pothole filler. I'll try if I can wear my short shorts, bend over my shovel and wipe the sweat off my brow while the guys pass by eating their hearts out. lol  ;D
Moni
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS

]
  •  

Emma1017

Moni it is the singularity with which I am being driven excluding everything else that concerns me.  I feel this obsessive drive and I worry about the harm I am doing to satisfy it.  It scares me. I am not in control.
  •  

Linde

Quote from: HappyMoni on April 11, 2019, 04:55:50 PM
Suppose you started out as a woman and somehow magically had the male hormones injected, male socialization, gender programming, relationships as a 'male', male confirming romantic relationships, etc. would all that matter to you if you really are a woman to begin with. Essentially, you still are a woman who got through all of the above by hook or by crook.
Moni
That is basically what happend with me!  They made me into a man and I worked very hard on being one, with everything you describe!  Until I could not do it anymore, the woman had to come out.  And here I am being myself again, but having a hard time to reverse this stupid surgical stuff the forced onto my body!
I can feel for 100% what you are saying Moni, because it is me! 
And I also cannot even imagine how it must feel to have an even more off body than mine is, to have to live with while having a female mind.  I thought I had some reason for dysphoria, just because of the off genitals, but you guys must be hurting even way more than I do!
I really feel for you girls!
Linde
02/22/2019 bi-lateral orchiectomy






  •  

KimOct

Quote from: Emma1017 on April 11, 2019, 12:05:50 PM
Ok so I was reading today:   Gender Dysphoria in Adults: An Overview and Primer for Psychiatrists Published online 2018 May 18  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5944396/ to try an yet understand what is happening to me and a simple question crossed my mind:

In spite decades of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming, male confirming social relationships, male confirming romantic relationships and very deep personal denial,  why is this female personality so strong that it overcomes all of this?

I didn't read this - to be honest I may or may not.  I have read dozens it seems.  Sound like I am saying it is a waste?

Not at all.  Researching this stuff was part of my journey.  Trying to make this whole thing make sense.  And then after you get an honorary PhD in transgender studies you realize..... whatever.  It is who I am.  But that does not take away from the value of the process.  I am glad I did it and I think it is worth your while to do so too.
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself
  •  

KimOct

Quote from: Emma1017 on April 11, 2019, 09:11:00 PM
Moni it is the singularity with which I am being driven excluding everything else that concerns me.  I feel this obsessive drive and I worry about the harm I am doing to satisfy it.  It scares me. I am not in control.

Emma - In the 15 years I have participated in such forums and the last 3 or 4 very actively I have never said this to someone.  I always avoid it because I don't live someone else's life.  But based on the post above......

You need to transition.  ( can't believe I just typed that ) either that or cast it away and decide you are going to sacrifice yourself.  The angst you are feeling is palpable. 

I am sure your wife is a wonderful person.  I in no way know if she can handle it but I do believe if she realizes the pain you are in she will want some relief for you.

We love you.  Don't cry  :)   
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself
  •  

KimOct

On a lighter note - I want to see Moni's road crew outfit.  >:-)  :D :D
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself
  •  

AvaNovum

Emma;
I faced the same dilemma you are before I started transition about 16 months ago at the age of 59.  My dysphoria, anxiety, and depression had become unbearable a few years before and I finally came out to my wife.  Sadly she did not take it well, I was broken and I needed to be "fixed". I tried to get her to attend joint sessions with my therapist or seek counseling by herself, but again, I was the problem.  You can probably guess that this did not end with us happily riding off into a rainbow sunset.  December 13, 2017, in one of the two joint counselling sessions she agreed to, I told her I was going to try Hormone therapy and she announced she wanted a divorce.   
Losing the Woman who was my world and the love of my life hurt me horribly but I had to let her go because I would not have survived much longer fighting the dysphoria, depresion, and anxiety caused by repressing my true being.   

Now if your wife is amicable to counselling and willing to try and love you as your true self it may possibly work.
I personally know a handful of people who have made it work and stayed together. No guarantees and it will be very difficult for you both. 

Now if you are still with me let me share this, transitioning and living full time as the person I was truly meant to be has been the absolute best decision of my life.  My only regret is that it took so much pain to get to that decision. 

Wish you nothing but the best in you journey wherever it may take you. 
     
  • skype:AvaNovum?call
  •  

Kylo

Quote from: Dietlind on April 10, 2019, 08:57:49 AM
@Kylo, how or what do you define as "No go" area's?  I can remember that I was concerned (as a 6' tall male) to walk around in Frankfurt in the areas surrounding the main railroad station (that was in the late 60"s), and the same in Berlin Kreuzberg, or certain areas in Duisburg, Cologne, Hamburg and even Düsseldorf.  We just did not call them "No Go "areas (the Press invented that expression in Germany).  I have my doubts that anything has changed since then, and at that time, it were mostly native born Germans who made me feel very uncomfortable there.
I think if we can leave polemic out of our observations what is going on, we can see the realistic situation, and that has not changed very much since the 60's.  And corrected for population size, the thread to females even went down!
Are your sources of information associated with the AfD, or fancy this grouping?  If yes, I can understand this!

I cannot say anything about Sweden!

Do not associate it with the AfD or insinuate, please. There are people outside of of this ideological sphere who are not on the right or conservative and who can still see and acknowledge cultural and immigration-related issues, especially those affecting trans people.

I already mentioned that here in the UK we have islamic parents protesting against the teaching in the national curriculum of LGBT topics and have done so openly and publicly under the statement that this is against their religion. They have successfully had these lessons banned from schools their children attend. State schools, NOT private ones, mind you. Which means the non-muslim children there have had LGBT lessons axed from their teaching too to accommodate this group. This will likely begin to be asked for in every region with a sizeable muslim population and will more than likely be granted, judging by the trends among these communities. I would expect it to spread to other areas of Europe soon if it has not already. This is a direct example of what I am talking about and governments will allow it because islam outranks LGBT concerns in their modus operandi; they are also afraid of offending them. Christian parents would have (and routinely are) ignored when they complain about the same thing. But the governments bend over backwards to accommodate the sensitivities of islam in Europe - and it will be at the expense of the LGBT community at some point. In the UK it has already started. 

If you want to know what I mean, let me ask you this. Watch this short video of a recent protest in Germany by Palestinians shouting "Adolf Hitler" in the street.



Policeman stood right there watching it, doing nothing. No group of white Germans would get away with doing that in public, as you likely quite well know. But immigrants, and specifically islamic immigrants seem able to do this with impunity. Why could that be, I wonder? This group was also yelling about killing Jews in public. Something else you'd get in deep trouble for in Germany. But not this particular demographic. This particular demographic appears to be protected from the law regular Germans are subject to. Now let me ask this. If this group goes on to start calling for harm to LGBT people, do you think the government is going to protect you? It certainly isn't protecting Jews from it. In fact Jewish people are leaving Germany in large numbers according to many sources. They don't feel safe there any more, apparently. As a group, the islamic demographic has been polled frequently in Europe to see its views toward homosexuality and LGBT issues and let's just say the results are not encouraging. In the UK alone polling conducted by ICM shows that half of muslims here think homosexuality should be criminalized. 

I have seen the changes in my own country in the last 40 years; only someone intentionally covering their ears or completely unaware would proclaim there are no ethnic/religious tensions in the making here. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see what's on the wall for LGBT people in a continent increasingly populated (and whom the EU intends to invite more of) with people from regions of the world who are largely hostile to LGBT. Perhaps you have not experienced it yet in your own personal experience and local area, but I fully suspect that you soon will see just where the European governments really stand.

If you are not sure what a European islamic no-go zone is, you might need to go back and start from the beginning on this topic and start looking into it. It's an area with a higher than average distribution of islamic residents in which they may use the pressure of their presence/numbers, aggression/intimidation, religious arguments etc. to eject or discourage people they don't like from entering "their" ground, LGBT individuals being high on the list. It is not some area where you cannot go in. No, by all means you can walk in there with your own two feet, but it is not advisable. Particularly if you are visibly LGBT. I can find you some videos of that being done in my own country if you like, and the harassment of gay men in these areas, with the express reason given by the perpetrators that the men "look gay and need to leave". But I am sure you can find them yourself with a search if you wished to be enlightened on it.
"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."
  •  

Emma1017

Kylo I recognize that increasing global intolerance of the LGBT community is tragic.  We have gotten so far but political realities are reversing the trend.

One of the problems is when democratic governments splinter into too many smaller interests, a well organized minority particularly one that is willing to use violence, can have an exponential impact far greater than it's size.  History is littered with examples: the Bolsheviks, National Socialists, the KKK, religious zealots, etc.

Unfortunately appeasement is the easy political solution that a society will use until it fails.  When it fails, innocents become the victims and sometimes the scapegoats.  It is rare that a society has a champion strong enough and willing enough to fight back.  The good news is, it happens but it needs the assistance of a media will to expose them, a policing system to set limits on their unacceptable behavior and a legal system that holds them accountable.

As I said earlier, passivity in not the answer.  Neville Chamberlain would agree.
  •  

Linde

Kylo, I cannot see anything illegal that this group of very noisy people did!  You should have seen us in the late 60's, when we, as students did our protests.  We were unruly, but we were still not treated like protesters in the US are for lesser actions.  Anyway, as far as I know (and I am in the US), the authorities are starting to crack down on the mostly young Muslim guys, and deport them in quite a large quantity.  Yes, Merkel made a mistake to open the borders for some of these people, but the refugees were mostly families who seem to start their integration pretty well.  The mistake was to allow the massive amount of single young males to come into the country. And the authorities are starting to do counteractions about this.
I, as a German Jewish trans women am not afraid to go to any places, to which I went almost all my life, nothing has changed for my life, when I am over there!
02/22/2019 bi-lateral orchiectomy






  •  

Emma1017

Kylo and Linde I suggest you private message each to come to a meeting of the minds. I do not see it happening on this thread.  I will keep politics out of my comments and focus on emotional needs and the design of Moni and Kim's road crew uniforms.

Just remember Moni a thong is not a pair of shorts...
  •  

HappyMoni

I know, I even tried the bright orange reflective thongs and I kept getting hit by cars. You would think they'd stop after hitting me, but no, they sped up.
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS

]
  •  

Emma1017

OK I really wasn't going to respond to anyone today.  I am honestly hurting.

Kim, Moni and Ava I was going to ignore all of you but Kylo and Linde sucked me into a political discourse and I was on neutral ground..............now I am not and damn it I am crying again.  You all suck... ??? :)

Dear God in heaven all I want is some peace.

Kim I really very seriously considered "cast it away and decide you are going to sacrifice yourself"

I know I don't have the courage for that...God knows I am trying...ah >-bleeped-< I am really sobbing again...>-bleeped-< tell me this stops at some point

Tell me this raw exposure of my soul has some value.  No one knows the painful anguish and suffering we go through.  It's not fair that we can't create even a modicum of empathy.

I'm stopping.  Sorry its Friday night and I am dumping.  really sorry
  •  

KimOct

Emma - Before a couple of brief replies regarding the above comments one thing is of paramount importance.

This journey is about finding peace and if someone is very fortunate happiness.  That above all else is what you NEED.

It appears in your mind you are in the conundrum of two diametrically opposed forces.  Your wife or live as a woman.

All of the rest should be noise.  What friends think, what strangers think, what WE think.  That stuff is about finding the courage to live authentically.  I and others here can coach you until the cows come home and I for one am happy to do it but you have a choice that you HAVE to make.   Staying in this purgatory is not an option.

Seems to me to save your sanity the day is coming very soon that is time to have a serious talk with your wife.
I do not pretend to know what to say or what approach to take or what the outcome should be but you have to have the talk.

Your life is spinning in a circle and it is eating you alive.  DO IT.

Always here for you and always supporting you.
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself
  •  

KimOct

1.  Love the Neville Chamberlain reference.  What a dufuss !!!  Probably one of the few scenarios in history that Churchill could become a hero.  Right man at the right time. 

2.  Muslims and anti LGBTQ is an issue.  Many of the followers of Islam do have a problem with us but as with all people we should not paint with too broad a brush.  Several devout Muslims have told me that it is not their view but many extremists do.  However that is the case with most religions including my own.  Methodists do not perform same sex marriage.

Per Emma's wishes if you want to discuss the above topic PM me.

3.  Moni in an orange thong  ;D  how about a matching orange halter for the 'girls'  :D ;)
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself
  •  

Kirsteneklund7

#815
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 12, 2019, 06:49:26 PM
OK I really wasn't going to respond to anyone today.  I am honestly hurting.

Kim, Moni and Ava I was going to ignore all of you but Kylo and Linde sucked me into a political discourse and I was on neutral ground..............now I am not and damn it I am crying again.  You all suck... ??? :)

Dear God in heaven all I want is some peace.

Kim I really very seriously considered "cast it away and decide you are going to sacrifice yourself"

I know I don't have the courage for that...God knows I am trying...ah >-bleeped-< I am really sobbing again...>-bleeped-< tell me this stops at some point

Tell me this raw exposure of my soul has some value.  No one knows the painful anguish and suffering we go through.  It's not fair that we can't create even a modicum of empathy.

I'm stopping.  Sorry its Friday night and I am dumping.  really sorry

Emma, pardon my ignorance, but what would happen if you start dressing as your feminine self incrementally. For instance womens jeans, maybe a blouse and then ramp up from there. I know clothes are just pieces of fabric but they do facilitate our inner woman to come forward.

I bet you find HRT is providing some relief. Would more feminine expression help.? I have no doubt it will kick off a domestic argument- but that could result in some positive understanding when the drama dies down.

I'm not really trying to give advice - I'm only just keeping my head above water anyway.

Give Emma some liberty- she will thank you.

  Getting caught as your female self hurts less- I know none of this is easy,

  Yours, Kirsten.
As a child prayed to be a girl- now the prayer is being answered - 40 years later !
  •  

KimOct

Here's the thing about advice.... it's easy to give.

The one thing Kirsten, myself, Moni et al want is for you to get through this and be happy.  All we can do is offer suggestions as Kirsten and I just did.

As with every person on this site YOU have to decide what rings true to you.  It is all just food for thought.

That is the reason that I encourage you to continue with this thread.  It hopefully helps you but also others reading.

Get some rest, you have a showdown coming- not with your wife but rather with yourself.
Hugs !!!!
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself
  •  

Jessica_Rose

Quote from: Emma1017 on April 12, 2019, 06:49:26 PM
OK I really wasn't going to respond to anyone today.  I am honestly hurting.

Emma, this is probably the most difficult decision you will ever make. Here is an excerpt from my 'coming out' video:

I now had a choice between growing angrier and more miserable every year, or finding peace by letting the person I have always been come out of the darkness. My decision could cost me everyone I love -- my wife, my daughters, my family, my friends. In tears, I chose to begin a new journey. Imagine the pain someone must be feeling to make this choice.

I made my decision realizing it could cost me everything, but doing nothing would eventually have had an even greater cost -- I would have taken my own life and maybe a few others with me. It hurts, many of us have been in that exact same position. Choosing life gives us an opportunity to fix a few things. Our lives will never be perfect, but our future can be better than the past we leave behind. Not many people have the opportunity or strength to start their lives over. When I think about what I have done it seems insane, unbelievable, incredible, but here I am.

Once I started my journey it was like a freight train. Slow and halting at first, then it began picking up speed, eventually it was going fast enough that nothing could stop it. It hurts, and there is no way to avoid the pain, but it does lessen with time. Eventually the joy of living an authentic life will outweigh the painful decisions we all must make. Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA w/Dr. Ley
GCS II - GCS II and FFS w/Dr. Ley
FFS II - Jaw and chin surgery w/Dr. Ley
Hair - Hair Restoration
23Mar2017 - HRT / 16Feb2018 - Full Time! / 21Feb2019 - GCS / 26July2019 - GCS II / 13Oct2020 - FFS II
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot
  • skype:Jessica_Rose?call
  •  

Faith

I read through here, not in depth just a bit piecemeal. So, I may be out of line. No, I don't have any grandiose advice to give. I have my thoughts, they're mine and I don't mind sharing them. That's it. No one has your answer, they have their answers. If one of them suits you, great. If none of the do, so be it. If bits and pieces of everyone can help, great. Such is life.

I understand hurting.
I understand raw emotions.
Raw exposure of the soul .. yes.

Severe raw wounds get cauterized in the field. The pain fades with healing.

We are all in the field trying to find our way. Our wounds are being cauterized in the fires of life. It hurts like hell. The pain fades as we heal.

Did that help you? I doubt it. All I can truly offer is commiseration and understanding. I'm not sure why I typed this. Maybe it was as much for me. Keep sharing, get the poison out.
I left the door open, only a few came through. such is my life.

  •  

KimOct

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on April 13, 2019, 09:39:47 AM
Emma, this is probably the most difficult decision you will ever make. Here is an excerpt from my 'coming out' video:

I now had a choice between growing angrier and more miserable every year, or finding peace by letting the person I have always been come out of the darkness. My decision could cost me everyone I love -- my wife, my daughters, my family, my friends. In tears, I chose to begin a new journey. Imagine the pain someone must be feeling to make this choice.

I made my decision realizing it could cost me everything, but doing nothing would eventually have had an even greater cost -- I would have taken my own life and maybe a few others with me. It hurts, many of us have been in that exact same position. Choosing life gives us an opportunity to fix a few things. Our lives will never be perfect, but our future can be better than the past we leave behind. Not many people have the opportunity or strength to start their lives over. When I think about what I have done it seems insane, unbelievable, incredible, but here I am.

Once I started my journey it was like a freight train. Slow and halting at first, then it began picking up speed, eventually it was going fast enough that nothing could stop it. It hurts, and there is no way to avoid the pain, but it does lessen with time. Eventually the joy of living an authentic life will outweigh the painful decisions we all must make. Love always -- Jessica Rose

Emma - When reading Jessica's post I felt as though I was reading a post from your future self.
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself
  •