Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

Sorry for being so rude.  I needed some time.  It felt like my head was exploding.  I apologize for saying you all suck.  I hope you know I didn't mean it.  It was just my inability to accept the truth that was being said.   I really wanted it all to go away.  Not too mature, I know.  What's next stamping my feet and holding my breath?

I suddenly feel like I am doing a complete reversal.   

I started out this thread rejecting this emotional female awakening last year because it defied the logic that had defined my life.  Now that I logically understand what has happened to me and accept it, my emotional side is totally rejecting what feels totally logical to me right now, transitioning.

I really don't know if I am making any sense.

I truly hope and want to believe that I will finally become aligned and happy at some point.

Sorry for the other night, hugs,

Emma

[Kirsteneklund7]

You rock Emma!

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[Emma1017]

Thank you Kirsten but why?  All I am doing is dumping my emotional pain on others.  What good am I adding?  Everyone has their own stuff.  This just feels selfish.

Thank you anyway.  It was very nice to hear.

Hugs,

Emma

[Kirsteneklund7]

You are being authentic. I know what this pain feels like- I feel like its not just me losing the plot at times. You spent a lifetime being invulnerable - now - like me you know what being vulnerable is- it is a strength- it can be embraced.

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[Emma1017]

You're right Kirsten, this vulnerability scares me.....a lot!

[Kirsteneklund7]

My first year of HRT/feminine expression was scary for me

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[Emma1017]

Oh great this is only my 5th month.....

[HappyMoni]

Hi Emma,
   It is useful to take a time out sometimes. We all have or have had times when it is just too much. It's okay! Believe me it wasn't long ago that I wanted to put my head through a wall from mental pain and frustration. Please don't feel bad about expressing it. Holding it in will tear you up. I haven't been here on this thread chatting that long, but I see you are a really good person, and I am sorry for the pain you are feeling.
Hugs,
Moni

[KimOct]

I need an emoji with my arms crossed and pouting in a huff.     That darn Moni said what I was going to say.

Emma don't worry about it.  We are fine and I know you don't think we suck.

I figured you needed a breather, I would have checked in with you with a PM by the end of the week.

Again - you are not being selfish.  It may feel that way but you are being giving.  How so you may say?   

First because how many people do you think are following this thread that feel the way you do?  I think many is a fair answer.  Secondly you are being giving because you are sharing your true emotions, unlike you apparently have previously in your life.

You would have to be pretty awful from here on out for us to abandon you. 

[Emma1017]

Jessica thank you for your thoughts.  They light the path that I seem to be following.

Kirsten thanks for running this marathon with me.  We will both get through Mile 18.

Moni and Kim, you both are always there, thanks. I promise I won't tell Mom you have been picking on me but Moni bury the day glow thong....please!

Ava thank you for sharing the difficult path you had to travel and confirming it was worth all the pain. 

Faith I understand the field craft.  I have the will but it's my partner that I need to carry.  I hope that she chooses to stay with me.  I believe that if she does she has the heart of a warrior and that she will have my back as always.

[HappyMoni]

Consider it buried! Glad to see you feeling better.
Moni

Oh, tell Mom I'm picking on Dr. Kim, that pouty girl, not you.

[Emma1017]

Ok shifting topics, physical changes in month 5 on HRT (I think you all have had enough of my emotional change).

I noticed that I am getting hair growth (not enough by far...) and the texture of my hair has changed from thin and straight to thicker and wavy.  Did that happen to anyone else?

I had the top of my lip lasered and that was the most brutal so far.  Not much black beard left there.  I am going to assume the electrolysis will be worse there.  The rest of my beard is white/grey.  I am not touching the hair on my arms, legs, etc until after the summer.  At that point I will decide if I am stepping up my commitment to transition further.

The breast haven't grown but seem to be changing shape and becoming rounder.

Sex drive has massively dropped.  The equipment is still working but output is zero. 

No change in physical strength.

No change in weight and no change in butt or hips.

Facially no change.

I know YMMV but does this seem to be the pattern?


Thanks,

Emma

[Linde]

Ok shifting topics, physical changes in month 5 on HRT (I think you all have had enough of my emotional change).

I noticed that I am getting hair growth (not enough by far...) and the texture of my hair has changed from thin and straight to thicker and wavy.  Did that happen to anyone else?

I had the top of my lip lasered and that was the most brutal so far.  Not much black beard left there.  I am going to assume the electrolysis will be worse there.  The rest of my beard is white/grey.  I am not touching the hair on my arms, legs, etc until after the summer.  At that point I will decide if I am stepping up my commitment to transition further.

The breast haven't grown but seem to be changing shape and becoming rounder.

Sex drive has massively dropped.  The equipment is still working but output is zero. 

No change in physical strength.

No change in weight and no change in butt or hips.

Facially no change.

I know YMMV but does this seem to be the pattern?


Thanks,

Emma

You are pretty much like I, not much change done by E so far (even though I have no balls for almost 2 moths now).

I don't know about the hair, because I never lost any, my hair seems to be the same it had been prior to HRT.

I found the electrolysis of my lower lip more painful than the top lip one.
I lost all of my libido several years ago, and my equipment stopped working about 15 years ago.  No change here!

I think I lost some muscle strength, but the orchi seems to have taken quite a bit out of me.  I am running on close to ZERO T!   E is my sole fuel!  I m told that my face changed quite a bit, I can't see anything.
My breasts are still growing, but they did not speed up anymore with this than they grew prior to HRT.

I simply feel that 5 months HRT is way to early to see some definate results concerning physical change!

I had a dramatically emotional change starting about 3 to 4 weeks after the orchi.  I disliked dresses and skirts a lot, and now I don' want to wear anything else anymore!

[KimOct]

Ok shifting topics, physical changes in month 5 on HRT (I think you all have had enough of my emotional change).

I noticed that I am getting hair growth (not enough by far...) and the texture of my hair has changed from thin and straight to thicker and wavy.  Did that happen to anyone else?

I had the top of my lip lasered and that was the most brutal so far.  Not much black beard left there.  I am going to assume the electrolysis will be worse there.  The rest of my beard is white/grey.  I am not touching the hair on my arms, legs, etc until after the summer.  At that point I will decide if I am stepping up my commitment to transition further.

The breast haven't grown but seem to be changing shape and becoming rounder.

Sex drive has massively dropped.  The equipment is still working but output is zero. 

No change in physical strength.

No change in weight and no change in butt or hips.

Facially no change.

I know YMMV but does this seem to be the pattern?


Thanks,

Emma

Wow upper lip early on?  You are a trooper.

Hair on the top of your head.  Yeah sounds about right.  HRT is not going to change someone from bald into Goldilocks    but mine thickened up.  I had a good deal of hair for a someone in my 50s anyway - I lucked out on that at least but it did thicken up enough so that I can tell the difference.

Electro on your arms and legs?  You are a glutton for punishment.  Unless you have incredibly hairy arms and legs don't bother.  Save the pain and the money.  I shave my arms about once every 3 weeks or so.  They are practically hairless.  I had average hair on my arms before.  The HRT will dramatically slow down your body hair.

The one cruel irony is that it does very little for your beard.  Mine grows a little more slowly and slightly more sparse but nothing to write home about.  That is at least for what is left after electro.  Chicken or the egg. I dunno.

My sex drive has dropped too.  Most people report that.

As for strength my loss has been gradual and I think it is continuing in year 3.  I still believe I am stronger than if I was born cis but there has been enough loss of strength to notice.

Glad the girls are filling out.  Maybe you won't need to borrow my 'boob sucker'. 

[Linde]

  Maybe you won't need to borrow my 'boob sucker'. 

How is that thing working for you anyway?  If it is good, you could arrange a group buy! 

[KimOct]

Hey Linde, I like the new pic 

I can tell it's doing something but I need to use it more often.  I am on a brutal work schedule for awhile but I try to get in a little 'pumping' every night.  I think it will live up to my modest expectations.

I met Tribble on Saturday night, Jane Plain is up here too.  Let us know when you are getting into town.

[Linde]

Hey Linde, I like the new pic 

I can tell it's doing something but I need to use it more often.  I am on a brutal work schedule for awhile but I try to get in a little 'pumping' every night.  I think it will live up to my modest expectations.

I met Tribble on Saturday night, Jane Plain is up here too.  Let us know when you are getting into town.

I plan to be there in June, and stay there probably during the summer. They way it looks like, we almost have to rent a ballroom for a get together,  with all the people living up there!

[Emma1017]

Hey Linde I agree with Kim.  That is a great new photo of you!!!

 

[Emma1017]

Wow I woke up sad.  That never happened before.  My eyes teared up on the way to work.  It wasn't the panic attacks of last year, it was just a deep sadness.

I started writing what was going through my mind while riding the train to work:

  Anger, frustration, fear/creating shame for others/hurting others/destroying everything for one selfish purpose/not
   passing after destroying everything in my life/soul crushing sadness/the need to receive acceptance and validation

Fortunately it faded as I walked to work and I started to breath again. 

One day at a time...

Hugs,

Emma

[Kirsteneklund7]

Wow I woke up sad.  That never happened before.  My eyes teared up on the way to work.  It wasn't the panic attacks of last year, it was just a deep sadness.

I started writing what was going through my mind while riding the train to work:

  Anger, frustration, fear/creating shame for others/hurting others/destroying everything for one selfish purpose/not
   passing after destroying everything in my life/soul crushing sadness/the need to receive acceptance and validation

Fortunately it faded as I walked to work and I started to breath again. 

One day at a time...

Hugs,

Emma

Hi Emma,
                 Sounds like you run a journal to externalize the angst of being trans. I bet you find it helps a lot and prevents running back over the same old thoughts time and time again.

Kirsten x.

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